Any teachers out there looking to talk about Jane Goodall, this is my preferred text

Reaching the point in the book I’m reading where things haven’t really come together, nothing’s really happened, and there’s less of the book unread than I’ve read already—the “uh-oh point” as we all call it

Got this email and thought I was being put on blast for a second

When I was like eleven I did a psych study where a grad student asked me child development questions and going in I was like “oh what if they find out I’m a genius” and then during it I mixed up right and left

“We must be on our phones less!” Frog said, scrolling on his phone

It remains my contention that whatever you are handed by a Dunkin employee, despite what your may have ordered or what you wanted, it is exactly what you deserve

Been reading a biography of Rose Kennedy and reading about how at her convent school, they had a weekly ceremony where the nuns publicly gave each girl a “very good,” “good,” or “good enough” ranking for their behavior and like damn girl I’m sorry that happened I get it

Probably my biggest fear that I don’t feel things as deeply as other people but I think the solution to that is probably just to be online a lot less

In high school (Catholic) we asked our religion teacher if she could bring in an exorcist for us to just like, talk to, and she came back a few days later and said the Church doesn’t release the names of priests who can perform exorcisms, and I think about this all the time

Don’t believe in “haunted houses” (ghosts). Do believe in “haunted houses” (house is Bad)

Going in I’d just like to state for the record that The Departed is my favorite Leo performance

Just ate an apple cider and am seeing One Battle After Another later. Lapsed Catholic Boy Fall is off to a powerful start

You’re in her dms. I’m singing “Surrey with the Fringe on Top” in front of Ira. We are not the same

There are “This is where Viggo broke his toe people” and “The lady who says I’ll have what she’s having is Rob Reiner’s mother” people

My most firmly held belief that Meg Ryan should have won an Oscar for When Harry Met Sally

Daredevil should have an enemy that represents American Protestantism

Probably the most revealing thing I can admit is that my ideal romantic relationship is Leonard and Virginia Woolf in “The Hours”

I never take rejections that hard. There are tons of factors as to why someone passes on something. Gotta be the right piece for the right market to the right person at the right time. Also sometimes the thing you write just isn’t that good

If you’re concerned about the rapture, may I suggest that possibly it won’t be that bad

Me, turning 34:

I share my birthday with actor Jon Bernthal. We talked this morning, as we always do, and he said that for his birthday, you should read my stuff

Yelling “but dogs can’t play basketball!” while a dog pulls a hood over my head and shoves me into a van

“BECAUSE IT IS MY USERNAME!!! BECAUSE I CAN HAVE NO OTHER!!!”

Me reading a recipe blog: “Ugh just give me the recipe. I don’t need to know your life story” Me writing an essay: “Before I can tell you what I thought of this movie, let me talk about the year I was the most depressed I’ve ever been”

This is what it’s like to be friends with @tonyhotran.bsky.social

You can honor Robert Redford by being a little less hot than your best friend today 🙏

Dreamt last night I was at a press conference and Trump came out with a large stuffed animal of Mufasa which he would occasionally stop and whisper to for minutes at a time

This could be about my short story drafts

I don’t think I take the lord’s name in vain. Every time I have ever said “Jesus Christ” about something, I have definitely meant it

Everyone gives the “militantly turning the lights off” guy a hard time until you get an email like this

Just saw a woman wearing a shirt that said “boheme” but it was in a really loopy font and for a second I thought it said “benihana”

Do not, my friends, become addicted to grapefruit spindrift

The stress dreams will continue until morale improves

Thought about it a lot and I’m pretty sure this is the best book ever written

Just a reminder since it seems we’re going to be talking about him that Frank Sinatra once offered to break Woody Allen’s legs for Mia Farrow

My submission guidelines if I ever start a lit mag

Christian Girl Autumn is over It’s time for Lapsed Catholic Boy Fall

They should invent a normal human action that you don’t immediately feel embarrassed and ashamed about

Coworker told me today that they tried to get into Catholicism by learning Latin and reading the lives of the Popes. Like huh. Probably wouldn’t start there

Not to Milton post on main, but look at how nice my new stapler is

Oh, word?

Dreamt that my late grandfather was insistent I see a movie called “Chimpanzee X”

Bizarro Rodney Dangerfield like “I get so much respect!”

This dude had it exactly fucking right

I am literally never saying this

Hey sorry I can’t come into work today. I’m waiting to see what happens

Obviously loved reading for most of my life, but damn reading has been making me feel so good recently. Like fuck you guys know about books?? You heard of these things called novels???

[homestar runner voice] hetewonowmative

Found a "10 Commandments of Detective Fiction" from mystery writer Ronald Knox. I thought it'd be a fun list then got to #5. Bruh, what did he mean by this 😭 💀

“Do I think…what?” -me as the guy Vanessa Carlton is singing to in A Thousand Miles