I was angry at the news, but then my phone/therapist/girlfriend recommended some breathing exercises and helped me sign up for a Chase Sapphire Reserve® Card

I have startup energy (I’m burning cash)

Aaron Rodgers' season ending with a pick-six is what the mainstream media want you to believe

Single-use plastics are wasteful. Which is why I own 3.5M tote bags

If Jerome Powell wanted to avoid federal charges he should have joined ICE

How to turn a $20 keyboard into a $400 mechanical clacker: 1) Stop trimming your nails

Excuse me in Berkeley we call it undercarriage foraging

Drinking in high school is at an all-time low. How do you even tell who's cool anymore?

You can't please everyone - except your boss, your VP, legal, HR, compliance, and the new MBA who somehow has veto power

My wife has too many body pillows. The last time we had sex, it took me thirty minutes to realize she was at a conference.

To everyone asking: No, I will not be attending your NYE party. I’ve always wanted to see Dick Clark host and I’m finally making it happen this year

My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs

Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party

I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early

The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept

To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card

You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift

I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive

Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!

One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar

My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back

Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet? Me: Nuh-uh. Me: ... Me: What?

The Pettysburg Address

Sorry I'm late, I just e-biked from Berkeley and the sidewalks were PACKED

Doctor: You need a colonoscopy Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?

The Three Little Pigs is a fairy tale because everyone gets a house

I'd rather fake my own death, get plastic surgery, and move back into my own place under a new identity than ask my neighbor their name a second time

My toddler gets zero screen time thanks to my crippling phone addiction

I stopped reading Time’s Person of the Year story when the first sentence was “Certainly! I’ll generate a thoughtful piece on the architects of AI.”

Philip Rivers unretiring at 44 is the only rational response to Christmas with 10 kids

"Thanks, I know what I'm looking for." —Me returning my third drill bit set today

My sisters at Christmas reviewing my ex-girlfriends

My mom: your son doesn’t say Grandma yet Me: he’s shy My mom: he just introduced me to Boba Fett and the Mandalorian

The challenge: Go one week without comparing San Francisco to New York City

Netflix announcing which countries get price increases post-WB merger

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I recorded a three-hour podcast instead

Spotify Wrapped says my listening age is 23. I was thrilled until I saw my Top Artist was Elmo

This year I spent 98,636 minutes oversharing my Spotify Wrapped

Every conversation until Christmas: Wife: My bike seat cracked Me: *making mental note* Wife: NOOOO YOU DON'T EVEN RIDE BIKES

I hate Cyber Monday what do you mean a/s/l

I hate gay thanksgiving what do you mean you’re going as the mayflower compact

Stranger Things Season 5 is nostalgia-bait for when Netflix was good

We Kept Tabs on 91 Ex-Girlfriends to Find the Best Binoculars for Dad

Happy National Steal Your Mom’s Phone and Turn Off the Annoying Keyboard Click Sounds Week

Happy National Wait Until Your Parents Go to Bed and Then Turn Off Motion Smoothing on Their TV Week

"I can't put into words Q4's importance" —Guy about to read 53 slides

Not to be confused with my favorite short film SADISTIC BEHAVIOR, punishable by BETH!

We Buried 60 Bodies to Find the Best Compact Shovel for Dad

Breaking: The Epstein Files release has been signed by [REDACTED]

How do I know it's a *Man* in the Moon? Well first, he's staring at you