Calling Superman an immigrant would be like calling Batman an orphan

When you stop and think about it, Gladiator and The Lizzie McGuire movie exist in the same universe.

If I send you this, it means I need you to trust me one last time.

Wow, between Beans and Cool Js, we sure have a lot of wonderful L.L.s in our lives.

My ancestors survived a potato famine & I took a shower and then got back in my pajamas.

Welcome to LA, where there’s no parking and there’s a different Emmy’s ceremony every 2 weeks.

He’d never charge you for baggage.

But when is this Waffle House going to feel like a Waffle Home?

Wanna feel old? This is the Nirvana baby today.

It's my birthday, but that doesn't mean I'm the only one who has to celebrate it! Everyone sing Diet Coke carols and decorate your Space Jam tree!

It’s my birthday and to celebrate, I have stolen an hour of everyone’s sleep for my own devious purposes

FRIEND: Can I be mean for a second? ME:

A lot of people think Michael B. Jordan was named after Michael Jordan but he was actually named after Susan B. Anthony

As an independent woman, it was really important to me that my dog keeps my maiden name.

Legend has it, Adrien Brody is still making his speech to this day.

That earthquake was Ariana finally dropping character

I write a lot of fan fiction where I’m fine.

Who wore it better?

WEST SIDE STORY IF EVERYONE JUST LISTENED TO ANITA: -no one dies -maria forgets that boy and finds another -my own washing machine

How it feels using email when Slack is down

Your outie had the Princess Diana Beanie Baby.

Me analyzing the seating chart during these SNL 50 crowd bits

SSRIs saved my life, so I guess RFK JR sees my life as a Central Park bear. SEND HONEY AND FISH.

I wish I were as brave as the women who ask strangers if they have any lotion

RIP Duolingo Owl you would’ve loved Muzzy

Kendrick’s flaired jeans really healed my millennial heart

Kendrick Lamar finished the job for Rick from Degrassi

Weird that you never see the Super Bowl in the same room as that mild mannered bowl who wears glasses

“You’re so funny” Thanks, in college someone posted in an anonymous forum about how every girl in my dorm’s hallway was hot except me.

My first ever boyfriend cheated on me on Valentine’s Day so every year, I leave Red Bull and a puka shell necklace out on my mantle

Michael B. Jordan is my favorite name that also sounds like a daily affirmation

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so don't forget to reserve your crying table at Olive Garden.

My favorite part about Full House is all the classic catchphrases, like "Arf arf! I'm Comet!"

Let 2025 be the year that Lou Bega finally includes me in a Mambo

I'd love to go back in time and tell my younger self that it's not teenaged angst, girl— You have an anxiety disorder. But I can't, so I'll honor her by still watching Buffy reruns on a Friday night.

I'm the Triscuit of people.

I miss the precedented times.

CONSERVATIVE FRIENDS: Eileen is so liberal LIBERAL FRIENDS: Eileen is so conservative EILEEN: D2 was the best in the Mighty Ducks trilogy

Saw my shadow yesterday and now we have six more weeks of dead inside

My favorite part in Rent is when Roger sings "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? BARGING IN ON ME AND MY GUITAR?" because how else are we supposed to remember that he plays guitar?!

BREAKING: My sanity

I'd be a great bird lady if I didn't want to keep this bag of breadcrumbs ALLLLLLL TO MYSELFFFFF

You mean we’re still expected to pay rent today, after the month we’ve all had??

Diversity caused the plane crash because only birds should be able to fly but we just HAD to let people up in the sky

I guess we’re blaming the DEI on everything now?! My dog’s mild heart murmur? DEI. The bottom of my jeans being a little wet after walking in a puddle? DEI. An Extremely Goofy Movie? *DEFINITELY* DEI.

I love candy but as a refined comedian, I call Skittles "Sketchles"

99% of women abandoned their dream of being a marine biologist.

Reach for the stars overshoot it now you're outer space’s problem

My parents worked in finance, so allow me to explain the economy: I’m a lil sweetie pie 😊