Holla looyah

I was so busy today.

I did want the funk but unfortunately I did not get up off the funk.

I can’t believe a whole month has passed since I last binged The West Wing. Good thing I started it again.

Sorry, I just woke up from a comatose state due to a lethal amount of coke. Obviously I’m terrible with dead lines. #lunchpun

If the second moon fucks with my manifesting in any way I’m gonna nuke it myself.

Fine. I deleted my dating apps. Guess I’m gonna have to find my jokes elsewhere.

My ex husband, a Chicago-native named Anakin Skywalker, had all kinds of anger issues. Eventually I had to go ahead with da force proceedings. #lunchpun #starwars #dabulls

I’m done cancelling Louis CK but I’m not done I’m cancelling men who are butthurt about Louis CK still being cancelled.

Grammatically speaking, it’s a tifa.

Technically, deployment is the opposite of employment.

Not Amazon being the narcissist withholding love from their adoring companies…

I’m literally only productive in times I should be relaxing.

“My guy!” Me flirting

Chumbawumba really had that Mitch McConnell prophecy locked in huh

Bumble prompt said “What’s one thing I wouldn’t know about you from your profile.” He said he was in a movie. I asked which one. I regret that now.

Anyone: How was your day? Me: Good overall. Anyone: Crazy times we’re living in. Me: (sigh) Fine it was shitty.

What’s a girl gotta do to get more bot followers

A Pokémon but it’s the hairball that came out of my cat

“Christ’s love is coursing through my veins.” I thought we weren’t taking the Lord’s name that way.

I’m so over white guys. Looks like I’m sleeping my way to the taupe.

I heard Taylor Swift is selling voice memos now but everyone should know that I have so many more and they’re all BOGO right now.

I keep having nice dreams about family members who have either died or were terrible people, which makes the phrase “in your dreams” less threatening but more of a problem.

Not Diane Keaton 💔🤍 This one hurts.

How many different ways can I gently tell my son he’s being a dick?

Day 2 of ADHD meds. Honestly? WOW.

Day 1 of ADHD meds: I did two more tasks than normal while overstimulated. Good start.

My 5 year old says her older brother “sneetched” the toy from her and I’m never going to correct her.

Mewsic

I wasn’t born with trauma so maybe it WAS Maybelline.

Men really be out here saying they’re progressive but then have the body types they like in their profiles.

That card he made for Jeffrey was clearly handcrafted. Did we check his scrapbooks for the list?

No amount of Mac n cheese is clearing my sinuses I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

At this rate I may ONLY use AI for sexting.

The cognitive dissonance required to be a Swiftie is some next level shit

I personally don’t think ANY bell should have a peace prize.

I texted a friend that I was feeling sick but it autocorrected to say “feeling dick.” They were confused when I explained that I have a penis infection.

Forget spooky season. I’m here for Charlie Brown.

Pete Hegseth hasn’t had his balls hit hard enough

In my dreams we’re punching Nazis.

America, tonight I make my official announcement. Please join me in my campaign to run from office.

Stop selling me products for me Irish curls.

Ngl I’m offended by pretty much everything now

This seems like it’s a game, but it’s definitely not a match.

Ibuprofen been real quiet.

If we ignore them they’ll think they’ve been raptured to the wrong place so let’s try that.

Dammit they’re still here

Maybe “autism” was just the friends we didn’t make along the way.

I think he was trying to say Ass Eatin Men? A Fan.

Watching I Think You Should Leave to passive aggressively hint to everyone around me that I hope they get raptured