There should be one day a year when cats can talk and we can understand them

What if God was one of us/He’s trapped in a sarcophagus

Alternative History where Tim Curry was in Labyrinth

A muffaletta is a name for a small muff

Asking Jesus what he *really* thinks about Mark Wahlberg

I have never gotten lost in a corn maze but on occasions I have been forced to eat my way out

Ooh no I had a horrible premonition that the Louvre robbery was a concept art piece and let out the loudest groan

Terrifying + Horrific = Terrific

Gilmore Girls sounds too much like Golden Girls. We gotta be more strategic about picking TV show names, making sure they pass the “does it sound like another show if you have mouth full of Oreos” test

They should put QR codes on Pokemon

He’s called a Pikachu because he perks at you

Birthday Cube

The five stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, more anger, hiccups

Alien vs Predator vs RoboCop

In Pontypool there is a virus that spreads via speech turning people into insane cannibalistic zombies. Just thinking of that when I read the latest "VC turned insane by exposure to ChatGPT" story

Probably the hardest part about being depressed is piloting the Mecha

Pronouncing pirates like pilates

Eat/Pray/Love/Better/Harder/Faster/Stronger

Will I understand Diabetes Type 2 if I haven't seen Diabetes Type 1?

On Easter Sunday you should have to vomit the communion wafer back up

They should send more pop stars into space when they have reached the end of their useful lives

Are centaurs allowed to compete in dressage events

My shower drain is clogged with Chicken McNuggets again

The three branches of government are the Executive, the Legislative, and catering

Judy Dench Simulator, a GameCube classic

GoDaddy is named for all the fathers who left to buy a pack of cigarettes and never came back

An appendectomy is when they cut you open and add an extra organ

Adding “I have never broken a bone” to my resume

Heaven (DC jail) is missing some angels (Jan 6th rioters)

I have so many achilles heels

The Internet? Oh you mean the Infinite Fun Dimension

New Marxism: the proletariat shall not be burdened by by the finding out engendered by fucking around of the capitalist class

January is the Monday of the year

Seven brides for seven brothers (they are all draculas)

Business news is like: "GE shares fell shartply Monday, as refrigerator sales failed to meet analyst targets of everyone buying a new fridge every year"

Coarse Ancient Cannibals

Having trouble finding an organ donor with a matching sleep number

This Way: Buns

The PF in PF Chang’s is short for Planet Fitness

Instead of semi colons, we should just put two commas in a row

Are we supposed to believe gorillas are particularly good at making glue

Increasingly clear that Tech Nerds don't want to defeat their high school bully, they want to BE the high school bully

Chapstick is what British men call their penises

Rebranding LL Bean to Lil Bean

Replacing project managers with a spambot that occasionally emails "hey folks how we are looking on the Q3 deliverables" doesn't sound that much of a stretch tbh

Oh no the baby monitor says the baby is at 85% of CPU

Computer needs you to click on burger or horse

Moves Like Jagger (current day)

I assume in Jaws 2 he learns to ride a motorcycle

Heist movies are basically a way to make project management seem exciting