From today

*hurts you in a peculiar new way*

Everything in this world is either kind of ball-shaped or kind of tube-shaped and that’s all the knowledge you need in order to successfully blend in with humans

Today’s sightings at the Middlesex Fells

City scenes 2

That song that goes “This is halloween, this is halloween...” like okay man.… we get it. Now show the nightmare before Christmas though

American goldfinch

First guy to bite into a hot pepper: mmmm… hurts.. more

My body is a machine that doesn’t turn anything into anything else in particular let alone create anything new or really have any use at all. My body is a pointless machine that sucks

City scenes

When you win a race in Forza it should show the other players slamming their fists on the hood, ripping their hair out, biting their car bumper off etc

Back then if you felt melancholic you wouldn’t sadpost about it on your priv. You would get pissed off because no word has been invented to express that feeling yet and smash another caveman’s head with a rock

Pyrrhus: fuuuck my victory sucked so much I’m going to name it after myself

(getting a word I’ve never seen before at a spelling bee) Don’t panic. Remember what he taught you. Remember the alphabet

Barn and tree swallows practicing flying

Getting “I’m sorry” etched all over my bones in case someone finds my skeleton someday and gets the ick

(Recipe webpage intro) The world is a big and scary place. The world is dark

Short girls can fit through hidden passages and evade attacks more easily

A few more pics. I had a nice weekend. Made lots of good food, took a bunch of photos, and relaxed at the pool. Never occurred to me you can actually just have a happy 4th of July

Last night fireworks

Wistful guy playing a melancholic melody on the piano but when the dead wife flashback abruptly ends he hits a jolly C Major instead of slamming his palm on the keys

Blackbirds at the pond

They should make an escort quest where the person you’re meant to protect moves way faster than you

Heat haze

After death, you awaken in a dark room. As you step through a heavy velvet curtain, you find yourself on a circus stage, and the audience is everyone you’ve ever met. How you perform determines your soul’s fate. Anyway what I’m saying is that it’s not too different from real life

Stepping into a Target kinda feels like that village from Midsommar. You can tell employees get assigned their own new names and hold rituals there

(Magician going through the deck, voice becoming increasingly desperate) was this the card you were thinking of

Red cardinal on a hot afternoon

“90% of accidents happen at home” ok but they’re not built like me. They can’t ride the cupboard this effortlessly

Sunset

If you devour a man you should be able to absorb his citizenship

Having a past is so embarrassing like yeah here’s the crib I used to lay in and stare at dangling toys for hours thinking it was peak entertainment up until last year

If someone ran up to me and said “give me your jacket” while holding a gun I’d feel incredibly flattered

Something’s always bound to happen if you sit by some grass and wait

While I was walking through a hallway to get home a bug was flying alongside me and it was the closest it felt to having a friend

“I would steal the moonlight for you” ok do the dishes

Guy that judges books by their page count: (picking up a hefty tome) oh yes, this one is essential reading

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently achieved their potential & flourished into something truly beautiful

A pretty cedar waxwing resting on a branch

Pure sign

Enter a World of Relaxation. Plunge into a Soothing Haven. Smash through the surface with your bare fists and carve your way into this Oasis of Pleasure

Marketing guy excitedly presenting an open floor, modern redesign of hell and Satan is leading the keynote visibly ecstatic while all the demons are fuming and praying he changes his mind

Masseuse 1: (couple massage, in foreign language) “This guy’s chakras are completely fucked” Masseuse 2: “He has no reason to live. Put him out of his misery” (mimes neck snap) Me: what she saying lol Masseuse 1: (assessing my unnaturally girthy neck) delight of weather today

Snowy egret at sunset

Alien Scientist: yeah, you guessed right. All beings are ranked by complexity, and consciousness is just an emergent trait. The only creature that’s truly special and blessed by God is the octopus Me: and man too, right? Alien Scientist: (shuffling through bestiary) what’s that

Bakery storage

Having a body is so embarrassing like, yeah, look at all this space I occupy

It’s less of a “tornado warning” and more like a special weather time

Barn swallow feeding its baby

Facades