Hey check out what my buddy can do. We call him Blue Light Filter Mike. Show 'em, Mike Mike: (fully facing the passersby with a terrified stare, mouthing silently) please help. he’s dangerous. he keeps me locked up Me: What are you waiting for? show them 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬, Mike

Dropping large brass spheres on the floor at 2am is a sacred ritual in upstairs neighbor culture

Beautiful Girl at the club: hey whatcha listening to? (she takes my earbud and a lullaby is playing) Me: (panicking about her finding out I’m staying up past my bedtime) It’s to keep the monster inside me asleep

Wearing a tshirt at a concert that just says Music as to not offend anybody

Why even bother dressing up and going to work when you can just exterminate everyone with your spin attack

Me: hey what are we doing tonight That one friend whose whole personality is being constantly sick perennially reduced to a meek figure with no health no future poor boy flimsy bones 1 hp and incurably weakest constitution: I’m feeling like playing rugby

Professional dumbass practicing shrugging in front of the mirror

Had a dream that I was on a cruise ship but the weather forecast said “meteorites” so I forced myself awake and when I fell asleep again the dream was now set in some horrible prison and the weather was still meteorites

In, out, and through

Cavemen: hey wanna go grunting and stomping at the lake Grug: no, Grug wants to draw caribou on cavern wall. Grug conveys tender feelings this way Cavemen: (laughing) ok lol later man (Archeologist thousands of years later) wow whoever drew this probably had no feelings at all

When you eat at a restaurant you have to remain completely stoic the entire time or else the chef and the whole kitchen crew laughs at you and says stuff like look at that happy moron enjoying our food

Sunset phases today

(former hostage negotiator now salesman) blink twice to buy this car

Bf at a greek place earlier today: Oh, I see what they meant by gyro plate Me: did you want the sandwich instead? Bf: mhm Me: why did you order a gyro plate? Bf: I thought they’d serve it on a plate

Must be so humiliating to be a photon traveling across the universe for millions of years and find out your singular mission is to render my dumb ass

Omniscient reply guy liking posts I haven’t thought of yet

Lovely springtime

We have so much in common. I feel like I can be truly myself ever since you started hiding in my walls (two lively knocks thump through the plaster)

Turkish priest pulling the marriage certificate out of the groom’s hands and swapping it with an empty sheet of paper

misreading the vibe and trying to crowd surf after reading my eulogy at a friend’s funeral

Mathematicians work tirelessly to bring us brand new numbers

This evening

My decentralized uncle: (texting in a Skype group chat from 2002) I’m bleeding out of my dog

Service station on a shimmering morning

I can hear my upstairs neighbor attempting to communicate using language instead of stomps

This morning

Woke up early to go look at birds at the cemetery

“Four beers” is such a crude term. I prefer calling it “seasons wisdom” as the ancients once did

For mother’s day they wrote “Happy mother’s day” on the warthog’s punching bag or whatever that was

I wrote an article with my recollections from Furry Weekend Atlanta from a few days ago, give it a look if you know how to read errai.tf/fwa-travelog/

(Banging on door) You have to get out of there, man Guy inside the bathroom stall at the airport: I miss her so much (Knocking harder) You’ve gotta move on with your life. It’s what she would’ve wanted

(Grand vizier homie drunk texting me at 2am) check out this betrayal compilation

The first uncle was spotted in 2400 BC. Sumerians didn’t have a word for it but still worshipped it as a deity

Whoever decided to build Atlantis underwater was an utter moron

Blue skies and long shadows

(introducing new recruit to the others) And that is Mega Guilt. His super power lets him blame himself for everything that happens in the arc of a mile. He’s asleep right now but do say hi to him tomorrow Mega Guilt: (sleep talking) my fault

(holding the cafe door open for a couple people) “Raising your Kindness Level” added to your Codex (letting the door go when you realize people are just gonna keep walking in and out) “Karmic Debt” added to your Codex “Survivalist Guide — Enemy Territory” added to your Codex

Blue skies and long shadows

(kissing pistol) bless this bullet with the spirit of justice (the gun jams) may it be powered by revenge instead (the shot ricochets back into my leg) ok let this next one be normal

(waiter tapping my shoulder) can you leave some for me

Friend: hey man how are you Me: I’m good (realizing that could come off as virtue signaling) in a subjective sense

(Existential gf) would you still love me if I was a concept

(Tagging every mutual) Easiest “us” of my life

Clairvoyant guy giving nicknames to each of his friends based on the way they’ll die

My coworkers keep farming me because I’m easy and drop lots of ingots

Picking up books from the mystery section at the library, reading the last page and going “I see” before putting them back

That’s a lovely bag of cashews, almonds and pecans you’ve got there. What do you say we add a couple of strange large nuts from Brazil that taste like a bad memory

It’s so beautiful to watch the trees turn green and the birds migrate north, all from the comfort of your office cubicle

(narrowly dodging a javelin aimed at my head) hey watch where you throw that thing