(Alien teacher presenting a slideshow of debris from Earth long after it exploded) The three tenets of human civilization. Live, laugh, love. Student: is this what they meant by "taking the L?" Teacher: (improvising) very likely! (The students take notes)

(alone in my room, completely unprompted) but you guys ain't ready for that conversation

(trying to flirt without complimenting your looks) I smelled you in a dream

Flights

Me: Hey man how's it going My telepathic homie: (smiling faintly) I see all your flaws

One time in my early 20s I had a test that I 100% knew I was gonna bomb so instead of getting off the train at my university's station I kept going until the end of the line, went to a restaurant by myself, ate a steak in complete silence, and took a train back home

Me: Oh, I can't have wine, it makes me extremely violet Friend: Violent? That's not good man Me: No, no, violet. Look (I take a sip and turn eggplant-colored) Friend: What the hell. I'm taking you to the hospital Me: (entering capoeira fighting stance) Over your dead body

Today's photos

I love love love that cousins and uncles have such high stats despite their low summoning cost

Replying "this corroborates my theory" after every sentence the zoo tour guide speaks

(Tattoo artist that inks another notch on my forearm every time I screw up) All set. Enjoy your tenth mark of shame Me: Yeah whatever man (I get up and drop my phone, shattering its screen) Shit. Hey no that doesn't count Tattoo artist: (blocking my path) Sit your ass back down

Just saw these two dudes dap each other up and the light flickered and when it turned back on there was only a puff of dark grey smoke where they were standing

Cowboy with BPD smashing a beer bottle into a table at the saloon and brandishing it at himself

Night walk at a wharf

People voice acting my tweets make me uncomfortable Voice actor: oh like I'm doing right now? Me: You're just a guy in my head though VA: You are too. We'll both disappear when this post ends Me: Oh... Do you wanna hug before we're gone then VA: (youtube voice) is bro gay 💀

When you're peeling garlic and the skin is sticky as hell it's like hey man, you're messing with powers you can't even begin to understand, surrender already

Me: dude you got gravy all over your shirt The mindful spiller: I know

American high schoolers are like daddy I want fortnite tiktok on my disney ipad while Finnish teens are like I reverse engineered my dog when I was 8

Hey bluesky friends, I have a personal account over on twitter.com/dryflat For those of you who still have a private account on there, feel free to send a follow 🤭

Lovely system. I would like to experience it someday

Hey meet my buddy. His name is Rick but we call him the Pugilist because he keeps getting into fights Rick: (squaring up) howdy

(after my date orders ten pieces of salmon sashimi) lol grizzly bear ass meal! (realizing she might have grizzly bear friends or family) Mighty and sophisticated animals, they are

(seeing patient asleep in the waiting room) sloth (assistants talking about stocks) greed (doctor on lunch break) gluttony + sloth (beautiful tall nurse walks in) angel of darkness

Episode 1: Meet Lizard Man, the hero that fights bad guys with his lizard powers Episode 1200: (morally grey music plays) am I wearing the mask; or is the mask wearing me? is it evil 2 be... a superhero....

(nihilist pulling out in the middle of sex) it doesn't matter

Today's walk

(waiter placing a glass of water in front of a beautiful girl) With the compliments of the gentleman over there, madam (I raise my glass of strawberry milk in a silent toast and give her a suave smile)

This is what I imagine my coworkers do when they get home from work and enter stasis until the next day

Clinging to daylight

(activating cyber eyes) What's that thing at the top Surgeon: ah, that's your McDonalds rewards bar. It charges over time, but don't eye-tap the burger button until it's full Me: huh why not (eyes flicker) (flashbang) Sultry female robot voice: insufficient credits, playboy

But we always make it in the end! All those free movie tickets.. Our special trench coat... Guy whose shoulders I've been standing on for two years: there is no damn we! We are done (tries to shake me off)

(after charging a punch for 34 years) watch this (I miss)

Blue hour on withered land

When I was 12 at summer camp we'd roleplay pokemon battles and I distinctly remember one of the kids shouting "hyper beam!" over and over and just straight up running up to the other kids and punching them in the stomach

All software should actively shame and punish the user for summoning it

Placed an order at the mcdonalds self checkout kiosk but instead of the usual animation it played a faded video of my grandma slowly shaking her head, her eyebrows furrowed in a bitter glare, her expression stony and unwavering

Heh... Guess who you just made a deal with. Satan himself Me: sorry who? Satan: Belzeebub. Belial.. Lucifer..? Me: ? Satan: (resigned) I am the Devil. You just sold me your soul like literally a minute ago Me: (taking airpods out) my what

Night drive

Sumerian doomscrolling on a clay tablet

(indoctrinating my neighbor) The people upstairs are not good men. They aren't even really human beings. They turn into billowing evil smoke when you vanquish them

Trying to go viral by filming my nephew not letting go of his comfort iPad while a dozen monkeys attack him

Day at the lake

Woman in tears: Daddy went to buy cigarettes. It's okay Two year old son: He is a male manipulator, mother

(texting my instacart shopper) Your vitals are stable but I can see your heart rate spike whenever you walk by a girl. Focus, agent Shopper: It's just so painful. I see her face wherever I go Me: You're the best. You will win her back Shopper: (picking up cereal) I'm the best

I love it when cats do that ◉ ⌔ ◉ ⅄ thing

Tonight's walk

It's not an addiction. I can quit anytime, father Priest: I'm just saying you should really give sin patches a try Me: whatever man (exits confessional and immediately bumps into a statuette of Jesus, tipping it over and shattering it) fuck Priest: give them a try son

(on a date) what's wrong you haven't touched your meal Her: I'm fine I just hate your stupid sweatshirt Me: okay, okay (takes it off, reveals shirt underneath)

(Mario at a networking mixer) Oh yeah that's Yoshi. We love him in the Mushroom Kingdom (After two beers) He's not even a sentient being he's like a vessel