If Strauss said a Hello Kitty backpack is the most philosophical accessory, a bunch of men in Hello Kitty backpacks would be dwelling on what is the peak excellence of the human being. But Strauss’s position on Hello Kitty isn’t clear, and interpretations differ. Esotericism.

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there. I’m Harrison-Ford-at-Cannes-in-82ing again.

It might be too late. But never flirt with an academic. It blows their fucking minds. You really shouldn’t even be too friendly in person. They think that’s flirting, too. They’ll follow you around. Will ask you to read their silly findings. They. Can’t. Help. It. RUN!!!

For decades I’ve refused to moisturize. Not greasing myself up for your spit roast. I am free. But no. Your skin absorbs the moisturizer. Drinks it right up. You are not just some greasy freak when you do it. I had it all wrong.

More ballrooms everywhere. I want to fucking twirl.

Okay. Listen up. How do I get that fucking strait open? This shit is hitting home. I’m going to be forced to abandon Philip at a high-end suburban mall. Open that shit up.

The sugarbaby has forgiven me for going out last night.

Back of head tattoo. I need the best script guy in the game to scrawl out “I’m not bald, you’re bald.”

I went for a jog once to confirm that it feels as stupid as it looks. It does. I can tell you’re not going anywhere. You’re just running around. That’s sad.

I put TOILET in gold cursive letters on my toilet. It looks classy as hell.

I married a super rich old lady who’s about to die. Here are the benefits of an age gap relationship.

W.hat W.ould O.rson P.unch

I raised my son to take the Great Books™️ deeply seriously. He’s a committed believer. But I told him the Great Books™️ were Lemony Snicket’s “Series of Unfortunate Events” and my fan fiction of “Conan the Destroyer,” “Conan Destroys for Keeps.”

I drew this when Melania Epstein rode that slavebot up to a podium to tell us about philosophy.

I used cognitive behavioral therapy and AI to delete my fear response. Everything is a blast now, especially risk-it-all violence. AI is the future, which I will now snatch from you.

Two days after 420 in 1724, the mellow was world-historically harshed when a little schnauzer turd came to life and named itself Kant. Happy birthday, Kant.

A giant sword would help my self-confidence. This was hard for me to admit.

Can I be real for a minute? The Pope doesn’t get just war theory. He can’t even do this:

Some advice for the Pope: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. RH OUT! 🫳🎤

“A Portrait of the Fartist as a Slug Man”

You can tell by my outfit that I play golf on weekends and on weekdays provide cover for management here and there at this and that stupid corporation or something by telling them to streamline by firing humans.

You all should hear this from me first. I turned down the Guggenheim because I reject their on-call policy. That’s not how I roll. You knew that when you met me.

“This is ai.” —me in a fiery abode, to the demons poking me with spears

JD Vance is a theologian, diplomat, and hillbilly still learning what “elegy” means. He’s lecturing the pope (bad on crime). His book on his conversion to Catholicism, featuring an adorable Methodist church on the cover, is forthcoming with Dickfuck Books.

The ai image of a marble sculpture of my body laid across the lap of a mourning mother was simply my protest against local Marble Slab management.

It just occurred to me that Jesus arrested maybe no one. I skimmed the second half of the Trump Bible (there’s a “New” testament?) before posting this. Weak on crime? You decide.

“I’m not myself when you’re around.” —me to me

AI makes Antichrist posting a breeze! Thanks for saving the Great American Tradition™️ and conserving all that good stuff, conservatives. You’re brilliant.

Coolest guy in politics just OWNED Iran. Art of the Deal Daddy will feed him extra kibble when he gets home. Art of the Deal Daddy went to a fight with Little Marco in Miami last night, so there’s going to be some jealousy. They’ll have to sleep in separate crates for a while.

Your privacy at this time, please. Kristi asks for privacy.

I woke up wanting to die, but it’s casual Friday. I love casual Friday.

You have to take me literally, not seriously. I’m going to throw a piano at you.

NGL, I had the wrong vision of the professor life starting out as a student. The evidence was always there, but when I got VAP positions, I didn’t feel like Indiana Jones, and I had to keep my gun and whip at home. And that made it easier for little weirdos to follow me around.

A young Nietzsche watches his freak uncle try to hypnotize a chicken and comes up with a baller statement on the abyss.

To be fair to Dr. NYT Bestseller A Bunch, English literature, in all its forms, is silent on the sun.

The separation of powers, a theory advanced in 1748, was picked up and quickly mythologized by some guys who gave themselves heroic Roman names and whatnot. It’s not real.* *cf. rapist president saying “a whole civilization will die tonight” while nothing happens.

Putting myself out there. Likes: Soviet realism, murder, my gang, deeply erotic instruments Dislikes: this prison

“Snorting a rail of blow off a toilet seat is less germy than snorting it off a servant’s face. Want a bite of this groundhog I ran over?” RFK, Jr.

I became a better reader when I stopped reading. And now I have more time for me.

“Return upon your shield.”

My baby boy out in the streets. youtu.be/uWxFItoLPWM?...

You can enjoy the Hardy Boys Mysteries, even benefit from them as a serious reader. But until you’ve read them in the order I present them, you will grasp the thread of the Hardy Boys Mysteries teaching only incidentally.

A lot of men ask me and the kitty how to begin with loafers. Aside from quality, versatility is the goal. White loafers are the answer. We used to know this.

BREAKING—I fear the calendar I made to try to turn my marriage around, “Himbofied Me,” has fallen into the wrong hands.

On the one hand, Claude helped me finally resolve a certain rhetorical tension in Machiavelli’s “Florentine Histories.” On the other hand, Claude says my circadian rhythm is off and that I should lick an outlet. I’m conflicted. That was a genius interpretation of Machiavelli.

I told Philip that the utility room he passes through to go take a dump outside is called a “porte-cochère.” I want him to say it to a pit bull so he gets his ass kicked.

My secret identity was assassinated. Only the killer and I know of the event. But the killer remains invisible to me. Mondays! 🤪

My manuscript is called “Accidentally Viral.” It has nothing to do with social media.

BREAKING—Sources tell me that the Bari Weiss bust is “seeing” Claude. Humanoid Plato is said to be devastated. He is currently enforcing a non-consensual SYMPOSIUM on helpless UATX employees paid to talk to children about FORBIDDEN TEXTS.