my pussy too tight. ass too round. rizz too rizzly. they'll kill me

paying a professional with a calm demeanor and soft voice $220/hr to help me decide if I don't like having sex because of PTSD or if it's just because men aren't very good at sex

last skeet was kind of a joke but also it is completely sickening how badly I yearn for anything remotely romantic to happen in my life

I don't want to be fucked in the ass I want to be cuddled like a baby

getting dicked down so good that u get one of those deluxe periods like you're in your 20s after

at least no matter how pathetic it all feels I've still never fucked a Phish fan

it's winter coat weather again which means no jacking it outdoors for at LEAST five months

Americans just can't fuckin do anything properly tbh

I knew I was playing the long game by rocking a full bush all of these years

dick from a dude who won't shut the hell up about the Panama canal

[bible preacher voice] "the Fruit of the Spirit, or as the lay person may know it, semen"

saving him in my phone as "Dubai Chocolate" because I think he's mid and don't understand why people like him

if you can't handle me at my "kissing romantically while the first snowfall gently hits our faces" then you don't deserve me at my "gaping my hole open so you can spit in it"

Subway has a campaign rn that is advertising 6" subs as 15.2 cm subs because it's "more Canadian" and it could not be more obvious than a non Canadian ran this campaign because in Canada we measure sandwiches the same way we measure cocks (inches)

ngl this account is probably going to slip into a silent death now that I'm using Posts.docx for all of my alt type thoughts

Taylor Swift is not good at sex I can tell you that much

god that’s cool

boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

witnessing Americans ball hard on recreational spending is fucking wild to me, I would be stockpiling my cash under my mattress like a squirrel collecting acorns before winter if I lived there personally

being alive got me bricked tf upppppppp

Pee is really just cum's runny cousin if you think about it

Jesus is watching you every time you snort drugs off of a stranger's genitals, so make sure to do a rail for him too

autumn leaves falling the wind whistles a sad tune show me that butthole

sorry you didn't get raptured, Jesus still remembers that one time you did ass to mouth

and how!

my feet slap concrete "back off, get lost! NO! Not you!" you were meant to stay #haiku

Jacking it before bed used to be the golden standard but now that I'm over 30 it is tied with rubbing my fucked up spinal disc before bed

penis, vagina, etc

guess they're still makin 7/10 ugly hot girls with dump truck asses work then

Business proposition I get: your dick in my mouth You get: your dick sucked

Dick from a dude who insists on ordering an absurd amount of food when we go out because he's expensing it

gotta go back to work because the energy gets super starchy in there when there isn't at least one person in a leadership role who does anal

actually when I was a kid I always hoped I'd grow up to work at the grocery store and post lewds for fun

sometimes I think I should post more thotties and then I got to my hoe folder and am reminded that 90% of it is too pornographic to comfortably post

trying 2 decide on a dinner place like

"am I doing it right? I'm pretty sure I'm doing it right" - heterosexual man sticking the whole tip of a satisfier vibrator between his girlfriend's labia as if he were corking a wine bottle

dudes are so good at making women cum until it's actually time to make a woman cum

"this would fix me" and it's just getting held down in prone position and creampied relentlessly

Howdy everyone (ha get it) and welcome to the 15th annual Toy Story Gang Bang! Unfortunately far too many of you have dressed as the alien so some of you will have to change. Now let's get this thing started, there's a snake in my boot if you know what I mean

Mark made a pizza tn with so many onions on it that I literally could not eat it

If you're over 50 you are too out of touch to be giving young people financial advice. If you're over 60 you should be giving young people 100 dollar bills and apologizing profusely to them

I love bald dudes because you can suction cup the dildo right to their head

I respect fake boobs but I don't enjoy them

Any time I eat a sugary treat during the menstrual phase it automatically tastes like the best thing I've eaten in my life

yearning again 😒

being called a 7 is super complimentary coming from a hottie and super harsh coming from a nottie

yes, like all powerful women, I do take massive dumps but what truly matters is that I'm a fibre queen so they're crazy malleable. haven't clogged a toilet in like 15 years probably

I love being a clueless bimbo tbh more people should try it

k admittedly tho I do love how big my boobs are rn