Helen Jeffries
@helenjeffries.bsky.social
📤 113
đź“Ą 116
đź“ť 86
Civil Servant, Autistic Advocate, Musician
http://helenjeffries.wordpress.com
10 days ago
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For many people Christmas is about family, but what does it mean for a family to find out that one of you is different to what you'd thought?
#Autism
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“Your child is different…”
I write a lot about the positives of autism, about the fact that autistics are everywhere, that we're not something (all that) weird, and that we can be successful professionals and leaders. But I'd like to counterbalance that a bit by drawing attention to the challenges for the parents of autistic children and the families of autistic adults. Having a disabled person in your family is often going to be a blessing, but it may not be what you expected, and it may ask more of you than you thought you could give. Some autistic kids don't get diagnosed until teenage or later because they mostly mask and fit in - others are picked up very early on because they have high support needs or because their behaviours present a lot of challenges. In either case the parents are going to have a lot to deal with - perhaps the child having meltdowns after school from masking all day, or struggles through local education systems to access the right support package. Being told that adult autistics sometimes succeed and want to celebrate autistic identity may offer hope for the future, but I imagine it doesn't make the parents' lives much easier in the short term.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/12/22/your-child-is-different-2/
19 days ago
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Christmas is coming, Jumpers getting itchy, Autistics everywhere are now Starting to get twitchy. A curse on all uncomfortable Christmas jumpers!
#Autism
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Christmas Jumpers drat it
OK so Christmas Jumpers are probably not the worst of the world's problems right now but bear with. This blog focusses on the particularly autistic issues of the world and right now, Christmas jumpers are potentially a biggy. You have to wear them - the introduction of the "compulsory Christmas jumper" dress code is a major blow this year in some workplaces - and the dratted things are too hot, too scratchy, made of nasty cheap plasticky material and generally deeply unpleasant for those of us with hyper-sensitive senses.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/12/15/christmas-jumpers-drat-it/
26 days ago
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Autistics are stereotyped as unemotional but we can also become emotionally overwhelmed very easily, and the pressure to hide those emotions then just makes everything worse.
#Autism
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Hide your emotions!
The autistic stereotype is that we're unemotional. We have blank facial expressions (well I do when you try to explain IT to me), flat modes of speaking and are thought of as lacking in empathy. But actually many of us have the opposite problem, particularly in the workplace. I've noticed from myself, and from lots of autistic colleagues I talk to, that we can get passionately involved in things and then emotionally overwhelmed.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/12/08/hide-your-emotions/
about 1 month ago
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Christmas is coming, Autistic's getting scared, Everything's all different, Please help us feel prepared!
#Autism
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Christmas is coming, autistics getting scared…
Christmas is a wonderful time of year with friends, family, food, presents, lights, music and togetherness. It's a chance to step outside the normal day to day routine and do something different - from bank holidays when you don't have to go to work, to special events, to small things like changes to the TV schedules. Sounds great? Yes - obviously. But also it's worth remembering that a lot of the good things about Christmas can also be autistic nightmares.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/12/01/christmas-is-coming-autistics-getting-scared/
about 1 month ago
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Maybe someone you know has just got diagnosed autistic. So what do you say? I tend to start with "congratulations on your diagnosis!" since knowing yourself better is always good.
#Autism
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When someone comes out as autistic – what to say
Lots of people are getting autism diagnoses in adulthood, and while some friends and family see it coming, for others it can be quite a surprise. They may have thought You don’t look autistic, for example. So here's my reflections on how to respond when your friend, colleague or family member comes out as autistic to you. As always, please note the caveat that what I think has no particular authority, I may be wrong, your mileage may vary, and if in doubt ignore me and do what the person you're talking to would like you to do.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/11/24/when-someone-comes-out-as-autistic-what-to-say/
about 2 months ago
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Small talk's a social expectation - a code. It doesn't exchange any information and it doesn't require honesty. So why do the neurotypicals need it?
#Autism
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Small talk – big problem
If you're autistic it's likely one of your struggles in life is small talk. You go up to someone and you need a piece of information from them - but can you just ask for it? No - you have to go through a sort of vocal dance first. There's a code you have to follow - words have to be exchanged - like spies in a movie uttering meaningless content to establish that they're talking to the right person - before anything substantive can happen.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/11/17/small-talk-big-problem/
about 2 months ago
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Face the facts! Easier said than done for many people, but for autistics it can be the only way we can cope with the world.
#Autism
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A TOTAL PIG-HEADED UNWILLINGNESS to look facts in the face
Talking to other autistic people in the workplace, I've tended to find that they prefer to look facts in the face like I do, but others may differ. Sometimes just knowing that actually the world is hard, that life isn't fair can be very empowering to me because it means that I can acknowledge that those things aren't my fault. If I believe that autism is a superpower, then all the things that make life difficult are my failure to deploy my superpower effectively. If I recognise though that autism puts a lot of hurdles in my path, then I'm less surprised and angry with myself when I fall over them. So that's why I pig headedly look the worst facts in the face - to know the worst and be able to deal with it. But I'm aware that it's a potentially high-risk strategy that might not work for everyone.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/11/10/a-total-pig-headed-unwillingness-to-look-facts-in-the-face/
2 months ago
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The autistic nightmare - when the simple words you say are interpreted to mean something else that's bad, and everything you do to try to unravel the misunderstanding makes it worse.
#Austistic
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I’m literal – please don’t read in your non-literal meanings!
You say something. The person you're talking to's face changes. They go very silent and walk away. Much MUCH later, you find out what they took your words to mean, which wasn't what you meant at all. In the mean time you've been at cross purposes with them, and probably everything you've said has made the situation worse. Sound bad? Well that is the reality of life for autistic people when we get over-interpreted. I've had it happen at work a number of times and it can cause so much harm. Once someone reads a message into your tone, words or body language that you didn't mean to be there, it's almost impossible to unpick the misunderstanding even if you're neurotypical, and if you're autistic it's harder still. Everything you say makes the situation worse, and ultimately if it happens with your manager they can conclude you're a poor performer and it can even end your career.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/11/03/im-literal-please-dont-read-in-your-non-literal-meanings/
2 months ago
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Being very conscientious is good, right? But for an autistic brain it can easily flip over into not knowing when to stop!
#Autism
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Being TOO conscientious
There's plenty of things in a world not designed for autistics that can make our lives difficult. But we autistics can also work against ourselves with over-conscientiousness - going not just the extra mile but the extra million miles and then wondering why our shoes are worn out. Figuratively.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/10/27/being-too-conscientious/
3 months ago
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Dress for the job you want not the one you have, right? Well if you're an autistic person, smartening up your clothes might be the one thing you just can't do.
#Autism
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Smarten yourself up!
Picture the stereotype you have in your head of an autistic person. It's probably a geek or a nerd - maybe wearing loose, scruffy clothes and trainers, possibly with thick glasses, hair probably a bit messy or very short. Probably not much makeup. Now picture the stereotype you have of a "professional" person. Suit and tie/heels, well turned out, smart clothes, impeccably groomed, not a hair out of place. There's not a lot in common between the two is there? Appearance isn't everything but it sets the tone of a business relationship, and your clients, stakeholders and politicians want to see you've made an effort. So if autistic people are to succeed in the workplace they should probably stop looking such a mess and start looking professional. Everyone else makes an effort - why shouldn't they?
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/10/20/smarten-yourself-up/
3 months ago
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Is it "autistic person" or "person with autism"? Quick clue - most autistics prefer to former. But here's a bit more info.
#Autism
helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/10/13/l...
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Language about autism
For me, like many autistic people, precise language is important. But unfortunately not all autistic people agree on the language that’s best to use about autism. This is an attempt to summar…
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/10/13/language-about-autism-2/
3 months ago
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Having a fixed desk can't make all that much difference can it? I accidentally did an experiment and it totally can...
#Autism
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Fixed desk – hot button
One of my most important reasonable adjustments for autism is having a fixed desk. Like most workplaces, mine operates a hot-desking policy and colleagues have to book in advance where they will sit on a given day. I realised several years ago that that system really didn't work for my autistic brain - the sheer level of stress at having to sit in different places every day - or worse still being uncertain about where I could sit - took up all my processing power. My brain is quite capable of spending a whole day going over and over "this is the wrong place, this doesn't feel right, I'm in the wrong place" and failing to get anything useful done at all. So, I know I need a fixed desk, so much is clear. And yet...
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/10/06/fixed-desk-hot-button/
3 months ago
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Autism's my brain's operating system - it's not an illness to be cured. And yet the mischaracterisation of autism as an illness persists.
#Autism
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Autism Myths: Autism is a mental illness
If we call someone "mad" or "crazy" or any number of other words meaning "mentally ill" then we often mean we can discount what they're saying. That's really bad for people who are mentally ill, and who deserve to be listened to as much as anyone else, but pretending the unfair stigma isn't there in those words won't make it go away. When an autistic person is called "mentally ill" it's a coded way of saying that they're wrong, they don't know what they're talking about, that their differences are unacceptable.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/09/22/autism-myths-autism-is-a-mental-illness-2/
4 months ago
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If your autistic person seems to be "cured" or "less autistic" then probably they've learned to hide who they truly are because being true to themselves isn't safe. We autistics need choices about how we present ourselves, not to hide out of fear.
#Autism
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Autism Myths: Autism can be “cured”
It's asking a lot of parents, but I really think it would be better for an autistic person if they were allowed to be who and what they are, rather than trained to fit in. Or, I should say, it probably helps to be trained to fit in if that's what you want to do - to have that option - but not to pretend that the autism can go away. Accepting that your family member is autistic not neurotypical can mean great sacrifices - giving up the life you thought you'd have, taking on caring responsibilities that you hoped you wouldn't have, dealing with someone you maybe don't understand very well or who hurts and frustrates you. It's asking the family and friends to adapt and change and they may not like that. But hopefully as more do, as autism is better understood, and with more successful autistic people in work and the public eye it will come to seem less imperative to "cure" rather than accept autistics.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/09/15/autism-myths-autism-can-be-cured-2/
4 months ago
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Even now the stereotype of autism is male - but what does that mean for autistic females?
#Autism
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Autism Myths: it’s a boy thing
Most autistics are men or boys, right? It makes sense that women and girls who are more naturally people-focussed and communicative wouldn't be autistic doesn't it? Well no. That's a whacking great stereotype about females but also there is no particular reason to think most autistics are male. What IS the case though is that autism is much more likely to have been diagnosed in boys in the past. As Caroline Criado Perez has pointed out, the world (regarding diagnostic criteria and many other things) has tended to treat males as the "default" or the "norm" and females as the exception. So if the way we think about autism is based on the male experience of autism, what does that mean for people like me?
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/09/08/autism-myths-its-a-boy-thing/
4 months ago
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Even *ahem* years since leaving school I get a deep sense of dread at this time of year. Such is the damage caused by by undiagnosed (so unsupported) autistic in the classroom.
#Autism
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“Back to school” – deep dread
If there are any people aged about 4 to about 18 in your family, you might have been confronting "back to school" for a few weeks now. For many children school is something to be looked forward to (I'm told!) but for this autistic it was a total nightmare. And sadly there are still plenty of autistic children having to confront that nightmare every September. Why is it so bad? Well for me at least it wasn't about the teaching and learning so much as the other children.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/09/01/back-to-school-deep-dread/
4 months ago
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"Everyone's on the spectrum" sounds like a kind affirmation of autistics but actually it's rather undermining. Here's why.
#Autism
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Everyone’s “on the spectrum”? Kindly meant but no
Everyone's on the spectrum, right? We all have some of the traits of autism ranging from being a little bit quirky occasionally to being non verbal and unable to function? Well no. The "spectrum" doesn't work like that and saying everyone's "on the spectrum" isn't helpful. You don't have to minimise someone's disability for them to be valid as a person. You don't have to tell them they're (nearly) normal for them to be valid as a person. And you definitely shouldn't be dividing autistic people into two categories, one of which should just stop complaining and fake normal like everyone else while the other is consigned to institutional care. We can do better than that.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/08/25/everyones-on-the-spectrum-kindly-meant-but-no/
5 months ago
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If you think autistic people can't be leaders, maybe you're just buying into the stereotype. Look again?
#Autism
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Autistic leaders? Yes way!
If about 1 in 100 people is autistic, and if the UK civil service reflects the population it serves, then there may be enough autistic civil servants to make up a medium-sized department. But what jobs are they doing? They're probably all doing the filing and/or data entry, right? Well no, some of us are doing leadership roles, but autistic leaders may tend to keep quiet about their autism because of the fear of stigma. Part of the role of a senior civil servant is to be able to advise Ministers and speak authoritatively about government policy with people outside government. To do that we need to be able to have credibility, and many of us fear that if our stakeholders knew about our autism, they might not trust us.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/08/18/autistic-leaders-yes-way/
5 months ago
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Who wants to hire an autistic leader? We're inflexible, poor with people and unable to communicate, right? Well actually no - we can make great leaders.
#Autism
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Autistic leaders? No way!
I got my autism diagnosis when I was half way to my goal and working as a middle manager, and already things were a struggle. So while the diagnosis was brilliant in explaining a lot of things about me that I'd blamed myself for, it also made me feel that leadership was now out of reach. I still struggle with whether that's the case because of my attacks of self doubt, but I'm hoping that by being open I'll encourage more autistic leaders to come forward and go for the top.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/08/11/autistic-leaders-no-way/
5 months ago
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Neurotypical people just can't get out of their own heads can they? They're sure they know what a particular behaviour "means" so they enforce it on we autistics, not knowing what harm it may do.
#Autism
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Compulsory neurotypical-ing
I've been doing an occasional series of observations about how neurotypical attempts to support autistic people can fail because of lack of understanding about how are brains are different. Here's a few extra pitfalls and aggravations for autistic and neurotypical colleagues. I mentor a lot of autistic civil servants so these reflections are derived from their (and my) experiences but each is composed of multiple people and not supposed to represent anyone in particular.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/08/04/compulsory-neurotypical-ing/
5 months ago
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Autism's in the public eye more now than when I first wrote this blog three years ago. But that doesn't mean acceptance has been achieved - it's baby steps towards progress.
#Autism
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Is anything changing?
I've been writing this blog for a while now and some days it really feels like things are changing for the better. There are more openly autistic people in the public eye, more TV documentaries (such as Chris Packham's and Christine McGuinness's) more fiction about and by autistic people and better understanding in the workplace. On other days it feels like there's no progress at all.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/07/28/is-anything-changing-2/
6 months ago
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Bright light usually symbolises good, but for autistics it can be an absolute sensory nightmare.
#Autism
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Lights, cameras, overload!
Proms season has just begun so heat, light and cameras are very much in my mind (I sing in the BBC Symphony Chorus). But more generally in our culture light is generally better than dark - dark is something to be feared, but light is safety and positivity. With the spring, the days get longer and everything seems brighter and more cheerful - and that has to be good thing. But as with so many things that are good for neurotypical people, too much light can be an autistic nightmare. Many of us have hypersensitive eyes which means strong sunlight can be actively painful, as can some kinds of artificial light. You may long for those bright summer days, but for some of us it's not always a blessing.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/07/21/lights-cameras-overload-2/
6 months ago
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First Night of the Proms on telly this evening - if you'd like to spot me I'll be wearing red and sat about six seats in from the organ of the back row of the mids.
6 months ago
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A very respectful happy birthday to the incomparable Anita Lasker-Wallfisch - cellist, Holocaust survivor, public speaker, author and matriarch of an amazing family of musicians. She's 100 today and the most amazing person.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anita_L...
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Anita Lasker-Wallfisch - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anita_Lasker-Wallfisch
6 months ago
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Some people just HAVE to get an emotional response. They repeat what they said until you give them the smile/laugh/groan whatever they're looking for. And that drives me nuts.
#Autism
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Having to give that emotional response
People putting emotional demands on me on purpose is something I struggle with. I think that's why the colleague who sits opposite me and simpers all day in order to make other people respond positively to him/her is so maddening (to me - not to other people!) It's not that I'm not empathic - I certainly am - and if someone just expresses their emotion, I am very likely to respond to it. What makes me autistic skin crawl is when someone demands a particular emotional response from me and won't stop figuratively poking at me until I've provided that response.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/07/14/having-to-give-that-emotional-response/
6 months ago
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"I'm sure s/he didn't mean any harm!" Maybe not - but are you saying so to clarify, or to invalidate my emotions? Management language can be a real struggle for we autistics.
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Management language – oh joy
I've started collecting an occasional series of observations about how neurotypical people can attempt to support autistic people can fail because of lack of understanding about how are brains are different. Here's a few more pitfalls for autistic and neurotypical colleagues. I mentor a lot of autistic civil servants so these reflections are derived from their (and my) experiences but each is composed of multiple people and not supposed to represent anyone in particular.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/06/30/management-language-oh-joy/
6 months ago
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There's a tendency to infantilise disabled people - to assume we're stupid or can't make our own judgements or choices, or work things out for ourselves. I'm autistic - I'm not a toddler. "Too simple" can be really bad for me.
#autism
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Don’t treat me like a child…
I've written about how attempts by neurotypical people to support autistic people can fail because of lack of understanding about how are brains are different. There are some specific ways that happens in the work place that I'd like to say a bit more about, in the hope of building better common understanding, and avoiding a great deal of unhappiness and frustration all round.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/06/23/dont-treat-me-like-a-child/
7 months ago
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Do you fail to notice your emotions until they overwhelm you, or have no idea why you're crying? That happens to me and it's the emotional dysregulation of
#autism
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Emotional Dysregulation
For an autistic person meltdown happens when the sensory overload because too great and we're unable to function. That inability to function might mean withdrawing from all communication, staying still, needing to be silent and as far away as possible from other people. If I begin to feel a meltdown starting at work I lock myself in a loo cubicle to be assured that no-one will approach me and I'll be alone.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/06/16/emotional-dysregulation/
7 months ago
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Meltdowns are for toddlers, right? (Well, and some public figures as well maybe...) But actually any autistic person can experience that feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to function and unlike the stereotype, a real meltdown is no joke.
#Autism
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Autistic meltdown – what’s that?
For an autistic person meltdown happens when the sensory overload because too great and we're unable to function. That inability to function might mean withdrawing from all communication, staying still, needing to be silent and as far away as possible from other people. If I begin to feel a meltdown starting at work I lock myself in a loo cubicle to be assured that no-one will approach me and I'll be alone.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/06/02/autistic-meltdown-whats-that-2/
7 months ago
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There's often that one colleague who's different - you find them a bit difficult to deal with. Is it ever a good thing to tell them you think they're autistic? Short answer: no...
#Autism
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I think my colleague’s autistic – what should I do?
The most popular post I've ever done on this blog is one called I think my member of staff is autistic - what should I do? Autism's common - in fact the estimate has gone up from 1 in 100 to 1 in 50 even since I wrote that post. So most people have an autistic colleague and plenty of the adult autistics are in work and either not diagnosed or not open about their diagnosis.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/05/26/i-think-my-colleagues-autistic-what-should-i-do/
8 months ago
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It's not my birthday - it's my name day - sort of. But it's an opportunity to write about why birthdays are a challenge for we autistics - doing the "normal" stuff doesn't work for us, but there aren't many people around who'd enjoy what we enjoy.
#Autism
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Birthdays while autistic
Birthdays can be tricky things for we autistics. In broad brush generalisation terms (every autistic is different!) we like pattern and consistency. So one day following a similar pattern to those around it is helpful, and exceptions and special days can be stressful. Christmas, for example, can be a bit of a trial. There are different sights, sounds, activities, people, settings, times and rhythms for doing things - and any one of those changes could take an autistic person out of their (limited) comfort zone. Don't get me wrong - it's very nice to get presents and attention and feel loved - of course it is. But the pressure to respond "correctly" and handle complex social situations can be quite intense. There are so many conventions to remember and handle - such having to invite people you don't like to your party, or thank people for gifts that you don't really want. It's basic good manners, but it's also extra reminders of how the world doesn't make sense to your autistic brain and how you constantly have to "perform" the role of not being autistic in order to fit in.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/05/21/birthdays-while-autistic/
8 months ago
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Lots of autistic people talk about "masking" - pretending not to be autistic in order to fit in. But what are its costs and benefits - is it ever worth it?
#Autism
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Masking at work
"Masking" is when an autistic person hides their autism to "pass" as neurotypical. That can happen because society keeps punishing them for autistic behaviours with ridicule or rejection, or because the autistic person has made a conscious choice to downplay their autistic identity in a given situation. So - masking at work - is it a trauma response or a tactical choice?
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/05/19/masking-at-work-2/
8 months ago
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Suppose you're autistic and diagnosed in adulthood. You're in work but should you or shouldn't you tell your manager and colleagues? Here's some things to think about.
#Autism
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I’m autistic – shall I tell my manager?
Lots of autistic people only get a diagnosis in adulthood - back when I was a child diagnosis wasn't routine, particularly not for girls. I got my diagnosis when I was well into my civil service career and wasn't sure whether I should tell anyone. Part of me feared the effects of the stigma that autism carries in society - there's a stereotype of what "autistic" looks like, and it's not a stereotype that's going to do your career any good. But equally, if you want any adjustments at work (list of potential adjustments here), or indeed to be able to bring your whole self to work, then you need to tell your manager and colleagues. So - what to do?
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/05/12/im-autistic-shall-i-tell-my-manager-2/
8 months ago
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A reasonable adjustment is a moderate change to make things accessible to a disabled person. But what reasonable adjustments work for invisible disabilities?
#Autism
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Autism Reasonable Adjustments
Reasonable adjustments are moderate (="reasonable") changes that disabled people may need to mean that they have a fair and equal opportunity, for example at work. Something everyone would recognise is having a ramp instead of steps to help colleagues who use wheelchairs get in. But it's less obvious for invisible disabilities like autism what might be helpful.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/05/05/autism-reasonable-adjustments-2/
8 months ago
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We autistics tend to believe what we are told and potentially take it literally. So if things are changing, make sure you communicate what literally is going to happen to avoid misunderstandings.
#Autism
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Literal Change
Many people believe that autistic people can't cope with change or uncertainty, but I think in fact the issue is that we struggle with how neurotypical people communicate change. We don't understand hedging around the issue or hints, and so are in a constant state of stress about what it is we're missing. It's also common that what a neurotypical colleague will think important isn't what we think important, so we may not get any communication on what matters most to us. If change is communicated clearly and literally, then I think we'd all do much better.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/04/28/literal-change-2/
9 months ago
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We autistics need to reclaim our pasts and learn how to manage, but not obsess about, the traumas the happened during earlier times of less understanding. The message of Eastertime is about renewal and rebirth, putting the past behind us and moving on to better things.
#Autism
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Redeeming Our Autistic Past
At the moment when you realise you're autistic you may find your whole life suddenly makes sense. All the misunderstandings, the embarrassment, the struggle - you see how they fit into a pattern of you having a different brain. You're also likely to realise, if your diagnosed in adulthood like I was, how much your childhood and youth was blighted by not knowing and how many kind well-intentioned people did immeasurable harm by not knowing either. Perhaps relations or teachers tried to force you to conform and hide your autistic self - making you feel it's not acceptable to be who you really were. Some autistic children are punished if they show autistic traits or come to realise how ashamed their parents are of them or how much of a disappointment they are. That leaves harm that will endure into adult life, but it shouldn't dominate adult life.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/04/21/redeeming-our-autistic-past-2/
9 months ago
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It OUGHT to be possible to do change in a way that works for autistics, but people so seldom do. Here's a few hopefully helpful ideas on doing better.
#Autism
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Autistic-friendly Change
Change is terrifying for many people, and for autistics in particular. We depend on "scaffolding" to cope with the world, and change makes that scaffolding fall away until it can be rebuilt. It can also be particularly difficult to cope when the scaffolding needed to hold us up is something the rest of the world sees as silly or inconsequential. How CAN having the right mug for your coffee make all that much difference? So change means fear of loss of the things you need to cope and likely inability to get them back. And that's even before we've looked at the new "scripts" for dealing with the world that will have to be re-written for the new circumstances (imagine having to write yourself a new phrase book for every job change), and the ever present anxiety and fear of rejection. So broadly speaking autistics fear change. But it OUGHT to be possible to do change in a way that works for autistics oughtn't it? I'm trying to work out how.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/04/14/autistic-friendly-change-2/
9 months ago
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It's a common belief that autistics can't deal with change. But it's not that clear cut be any means. I can deal with change provided I have the right continuity and scaffolding in place.
#Autism
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Change can be terrifying
The professional world we live in is full of change - evolution, development, occasional revolution. I was talking about this with a wise senior colleague and I pointed out that autistic people find change disconcerting at best and terrifying at worst. This colleague asked a very simple but profound question: why? I realised I had no idea so I thought I'd try and think it out. Please do tell me if you agree or disagree with what I've come up with. My experience of being an autistic professional is that I've built up some very careful "scaffolding" around how I operate that makes things possible. Change means losing that scaffolding and having to rebuild it, and until it's rebuilt I feel very unsteady and liable to fall over. No-one else can see the scaffolding, and I can forget it's there, so it's only when it's unexpectedly taken away that I notice. But having forgotten that I have scaffolding I'm depending on (because I'm so used to it), I don't necessarily see the effect of change coming until it comes. So it's a nasty shock.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/04/07/change-can-be-terrifying/
9 months ago
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Autistic Spectrum Church – TODAY 6 April 2025 At 2.30pm on Sunday 6 April, St Mary of Charity, Faversham will host a short service of words and music FOR autistic Christians LED BY autistic Christians. The theme will be that God made some of us autistic and that must be how he likes us. The…
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Autistic Spectrum Church – TODAY 6 April 2025
At 2.30pm on Sunday 6 April, St Mary of Charity, Faversham will host a short service of words and music FOR autistic Christians LED BY autistic Christians. The theme will be that God made some of us autistic and that must be how he likes us. The service will be live streamed on Zoom and available as a recording afterwards. The pew sheet (the document showing exactly what will happen at each point of the service) is now available online too.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/04/06/autistic-spectrum-church-today-6-april-2025/
9 months ago
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April an autism awareness - that's a great thing isn't it? Well kind of. I'd much rather be accepted than have people "aware" of me. And not all well intentioned actions this month will land well...
#Autism
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The First of April – a Rant
The first of April is a deeply annoying day to me, as an autistic person. There are two reasons - one is the aggravating fact of April Fools' Day pranks. My life is full of the potential for misunderstandings and I have to concentrate very hard to avoid making a fool of myself. The pleasant frisson of wondering which news stories and social media posts are real and which are jokes (that you'll feel silly if you fall for) is one day a year of fun for the neurotypical. And some April Fools' jokes have been extremely funny. But the novelty for most of potentially being caught out, is the day to day reality of trying not to seem foolish to me. I could do without extra things trying to catch me out. But the second reason for aggravation is about the well-intentioned, but sometimes harmful, use of April as "World Autism Awareness Month". I haven't suffered too much myself but I know of many autistic people who just disappear from social media in April because seeing all the kindly-meant but patronising incomprehension about autism is just too painful. A piece of "awareness raising" for us but not with us, that has the effect of making our lives harder, is not a good thing.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/03/31/the-first-of-april-a-rant-3/
10 months ago
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"Don't worry - it doesn't matter that you're autistic" sounds like a kind thing to say but is it? It's really saying "I'm prepared to overlook the thing that's wrong with you" which is much less inclusive.
#Autism
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Autism Myths: It doesn’t matter that you’re autistic
My autistic identity matters hugely to me. It's a major part of who I am and a very big determinant of my life history and how I've grown to be the person I am now. That's something that I would like to matter to people close to me. So I don't want to hear that it doesn't matter that I'm autistic - it does matter to me, just like any other facet of my innermost identity would. Love me - love my autism. If you can... I know it's a weird thing to get used to, but with 1% of the world probably autistic, it would be great if we can all be valued a bit more for being who we actually are.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/03/24/autism-myths-it-doesnt-matter-that-youre-autistic-2/
10 months ago
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Found a little pulled up plant on the pavement. Took it home and planted it. Now it's flowering. Well done plant.
10 months ago
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Tomorrow will be Pancake Day - Shrove Tuesday. A good moment then to get some bad poetry out of my system before Lent. No - I cannot let it go.
#Autism
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“Why can you not let it go?!”
A lot of life depends on knowing when to let things go. You see the phenomenon quite often on social media – a person (who may well not actually be autistic) worrying away like a dog at a bone at an issue long after it would have been much more sensible just to step away. When two people are worrying away at the same issue from opposite perspectives, you have the ideal recipe for a flame war and very little chance of resolution or agreement. Polarisation quickly follows and we autistics are quite as capable of being horrible or bigoted as anyone else. Today is Shrove Tuesday, the day before Lent starts on Ash Wednesday. The name comes from the old word "shrive" which means to confess and get forgiveness for your sins. Christians would use the day before Lent to get their spiritual lives in a good state before starting the Lenten fast. In modern times Shrove Tuesday is more often known as Pancake Day. That's still about Christianity and Lent though, as pancakes are a good way of using up the "fat" ingredients in the pantry before giving them (or some other food) up in Lent. Accordingly, I intend to get my total inability-to-let-things-go out of my system before behaving myself for Lent tomorrow...
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/03/03/why-can-you-not-let-it-go-2/
10 months ago
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If you're autistic you feel the effects of bad management sooner and you feel them worse - we're the canary in the coal mine and that could actually be useful.
#Autism
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Autistic Canary in the Coal Mine
The title of this post is a quote from a colleague of mine who wisely pointed out that autistic colleagues are probably going to be the first to notice if things are going wrong in a workplace. The world is full of gone-wrongness, but there are bits that are more controllable than others, and as a manager and leader it's my job to fix gone-wrongness that I may find at work. A big contributor to how much anyone enjoys (or endures) their job is likely to be the manager. A manager has a lot of control over your working life, has power to make things better or worse, and may be an inspiring leader, dull but OK or a total nightmare. If the managed staff member is autistic the responses to their manager are likely to be heightened and their pleasantness or otherwise may be a big component of their mental health. A good manager is even more likely to be essential to an autistic's success at work than they would be for a neurotypical employee, and that makes an autistic a canary in the workplace coalmine if management and leadership is going wrong.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/02/24/autistic-canary-in-the-coal-mine-2/
11 months ago
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They can't look you in the eye - that means they're untrustworthy liars doesn't it? Or maybe it means they're autistic and eye contact is just painful.
#Autism
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“Look me in the eye!”
Society puts a lot of value on eye contact and giving the appearance of listening closely. But for an autistic person there may be a choice to be made between appearing to focus and actually doing it. Eye contact is often really difficult for autistic people - if I accidentally meet someone's gaze I look away at once - it just feels horrible. Maybe it's overwhelming in the way that some sensory experiences are, or maybe it's just one of those things. But in any case it's an autistic issue and not one society's very accommodating about. I remember learning very early on as a child that I needed to give the appearance of making eye contact, even though it was really uncomfortable. Back then I realised that I could look at people through the upper rim of my glasses so it would look like eye contact (particularly looking up at an adult) but wouldn't actually have the discomfort of the real thing. Now I'm an adult I tend to lip read - it's perfectly socially acceptable to focus on someone's lip movements if you have a hearing impairment (which I don't, actually) - because it looks sufficiently like eye contact and paying attention without creating the autistic issues. Another option is to look at the bridge of someone's nose. Try it - they can't tell you're not making "sufficient" eye contact for social acceptability!
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/02/17/look-me-in-the-eye-2/
11 months ago
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Are you one of those colleagues who loves to "pop round" to someone's desk to "have a chat"? It's a way of showing informality and equality, and of being spontaneous, isn't it? Well yes, it can be, or it can be an autistic nightmare!
#Autism
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“I’m just popping round…”
Are you one of those colleagues who loves to "pop round" to someone's desk to "have a chat"? It's a way of showing informality and equality, and of being spontaneous, isn't it? Well yes, it can be, but it can also be quite disruptive for someone who relies on not having too many unexpected things to deal with when they're trying to concentrate. Of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with popping round to a colleague’s desk – we all do it and it’s one of the reasons working in the office can be particularly productive. But there are some colleagues who use it as their only way of communicating. The danger is that in doing something that feels comfortable to you, you're doing something that makes a colleague feel uncomfortable. Some kind of flexibility on both sides is probably needed.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/02/10/im-just-popping-round/
11 months ago
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Anglican autistic world: are you up for a church service for autistics led by autistics (as far as poss)? Well it's coming to St Mary of Charity Faversham at 2.30pm on 6 April.
www.achurchnearyou.com/church/11983...
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Autism Spectrum Church Service - St Mary of Charity
God made some of us autistic, and that's how He likes us. This Autism Acceptance Month…
https://www.achurchnearyou.com/church/11983/service-and-events/events/1152467/
11 months ago
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How much do you assume someone will follow unspoken norms when you give a simple instruction? Try giving it to an autistic person and you may find out!
#Autism
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It’s really simple… if you know the unspoken “norms”
Suppose you want to give someone a nice simple instruction - you don't want to confuse them and you do want it to be really really clear. You might say "always do THIS" mightn't you? If you get the end of a sentence, always put a full stop. When you get to a road, always stop, look and listen. When you get up in the morning, always make your bed. Sounds helpful doesn't it? But you're presupposing a lot of neurotypical responses that an autistic person might not have. A neurotypical person will be able to read "except when it doesn't make sense" into your words. An autistic person may not. If I were going to be autistic at you (as opposed to masking, which I do most of the time) I'd interpret your three instructions thus. If I always need to put a full stop at the end of a sentence, then, since they come and the end of a sentence and shouldn't be followed by a full stop, question marks and exclamation marks must be forbidden. If I should always stop, look and listen when I come to a road, then I must do that even though I'm in the countryside, there isn't any traffic for miles, and I'm being chased by a bull. I will only feel compelled to make my bed if I get up before midday ("in the morning"), and I will also carefully rearrange the pillows and duvet before leaving even if I've been woken by the fire alarm because the house is on fire. (Provided it's the morning.)
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/02/03/its-really-simple-if-you-know-the-unspoken-norms/
11 months ago
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Today is the 80th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz-Birkenau. Among the victims of the Holocaust were disabled people - may they be remembered.
#Autism
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Holocaust Memorial Day 2025
I wasn't going to write anything specifically about Holocaust Memorial Day because I feared intruding on a grief that isn't really mine. (So far as I know I have no Jewish or Gypsy, Roma or Traveller heritage, am not gay, and nor has my family been involved in any genocide that I know of.) However, I did know that the Nazis killed a lot of people with disabilities and that let me to some research. And that research led me to a heart-breaking quotation from a talk given by Professor Edith Sheffer on Autism and Disability in Nazi Vienna.
https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/2025/01/27/holocaust-memorial-day-2025/
12 months ago
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