Cheer up Dry January by (a) drinking a lot And (b) listening to Yours Truly reading his hair-raising yarns in a voice so sexy that the Vatican claims it breaks at least three Commandments. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

Sir Desmond Stirling’s Abominable! All four episodes of my spleen-boggling 1950s thriller are available at most podcast vendors - but sadly not the Home Service. “The Yeti are timid creatures. They're shy.” I should coco! #horrorwriter #spooky #yeti #bigfoot # podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

Achievements of this year: *My best-selling biography of darling Dickie Wattis *My successful book for children (Young Aleister Crowley & the Lost Cauldron of Satan). Sequel to follow next year *Spending all of February nude *My one millionth knee-trembler!

Say good riddance to the old year and give a Masonic handshake to the new by freezing your bowels with dread. Sir Desmond Stirling’s Abominable! Can you cope with more terror than is medically wise?? #horrorwriter #spooky #yeti #bigfoot tinyurl.tools/63c13b82

Still not Lord Stirling! I am furious - and I’ll be spilling the beans about which members of the Cabinet have been known to visit Dolores in Frith Street, in particular the one for whom she has to stock up with XXL Pampers.

Overlooked for a peerage YET AGAIN! I’m going to have to resort to charitable works, aren’t I? How tiresome… #bah!

It’s the perineum of the year, halfway between the twin points of pleasure… Shift those new excess pounds by scaring the tripes out yourself. #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters #podcast tinyurl.com/2s3m58z3

I record my ‘podcast’ in the nude usually, so I have been a advised that video could get me into hot water (even though I am occasionally in hot water -enhanced with Cap’n Matey - when recording).

Took the dogs for a splendid yomp in the woods. They found 5 Golden Wonder bags, 4 Carling cans, 3 French letters, 2 turd-filled gloves... and a dead partridge in a pear tree * * actually in a ditch

Has anyone ever committed all seven deadly sins in one day before? If not, get the darling McWhirters on the blower - yours truly is a record breaker!

Merry Christmas!

I’m the undisputed* master of #christmasghosstories and you can read them here. You don’t deserve me, you really don’t. Yuletide felicitations! *no citation needed sirdesmondstirling.wordpress.com #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters

This time last year I was anticipating the annual visit of those tiresome ghosts… podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t... #horrorwriter #ghoststory #christmasghost #notthedickens

Sir Desmond Stirling’s Bring Me Flesh! A dire - yet festive - warning about picking up a strange man in a forest and welcoming him into your home… #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

Do you enjoy having the willies put up you? Then Yours Truly is the cove for you. Sir Desmond Stirling: patriot, gentleman, author of Satanic chillers & also the undisputed* master of the Christmas spooky yarn *no citation needed #HorrorWritersChat tinyurl.com/2zcm9u66

Who needs Brussel Sprouts when my bowel-purgingly spooky Yuletide shockers can have the same effect? Bring me Flesh Carrion Christmas Blood on Stan’s Claw Christmas at Scarhelldeath Hall Satan’s Claws Are Coming to Town Satan Baby #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters tinyurl.com/2zcm9u

I am hoping that those 3 spirits will be too busy with many other more deserving coves this year - and will leave me the hell alone. I can’t remember a Christmas Day that I didn’t spend sleep-deprived

“In my box are such delights…” So reads the advertising slogan on Dolores of Frith St’s business card.

Idiot nephew’s bragging again

I’m making a list -& checking it twice- of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, spouses, local gentry & your staff… Blood on Stan’s Claw “You’d better be tidy, You’d better be clean, You’d better be scrubbed, Cos she’s really mean! Frau Perchta is coming to town!” tinyurl.com/bdfm22p3

Tis the season to be merry as a newt An antidote to literary shindigs of today where they drink pineapple juice & munch vegan Twiglets. If one doesn’t wake up in Helsinki sans trousers, it’s been little more than a WI garden fete tinyurl.com/5fkabbpv #horrorwriters #xmasshindig #pissed #writers

It’s a dark Friday in December. Get your manservant to light the fire and pour you a brandy; then listen to a master yarnsmith (me) recite his latest festive fright-fest. Bring Me Flesh! #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters #podcast #dulcettones tinyurl.com/2s3m58z3

I once had Christmas lunch at the Cradocks, but darling Fanny had been somewhat over-enthusiastic with the food dye, and I woke up the next morning and the other 98% of me was purple too.

It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid… But you might as well be so why not listen to my Yuletide shocker BRING ME FLESH! #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters #podcast tinyurl.com/2s3m58z3

Bring Me Flesh! A dire - yet festive - warning about picking up a strange man in a forest and welcoming him into your home… #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

I must emphasise that I wrote my Christmas horror yarn myself and I did not use this cove called Al. I gather this Al - Albert? Alfred? We need to be told - is a bit of a bounder tinyurl.com/2s3m58z3

Bring Me Flesh! Gird your undercarriage! Sir Desmond Stirling’s latest Yuletide yarn is here -& it’s his most spleen-tingling one yet! Quake to the marrow as our top purveyor of spooky chillers relays his clash with the Haunted Tree #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriters tinyurl.com/2s3m58z3

Snifter with a cove in the pub last night who claimed to be a Turkish wrestler. He didn't look Turkish. Turns out he's a turkey wrestler. He's employed to wrestle turkeys - if they win, they're ready for the Christmas dinner table.

As the undisputed* lord of the Christmas spooky yarn I’m excited to tell you that a brand new festive fearfest from Yours Truly will be dropping down the chimney & into your gaping sack tomorrow You don’t deserve me, you really don’t *no citation needed #christmashorror #horrorcomedy #horrorwriter

I’m making a list -& checking it twice- of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, local gentry & your staff No 5 Blood on Stan’s Claw “You’d better be neat, You’d better be clean, You’d better be scrubbed, Cos she’s really mean! Frau Perchta is coming to town!” tinyurl.com/bdfm22p3

A responsible attitude to parenthood #krampusnacht

Hitler only had one ball too…

Coming soon….

I’m making a list - & checking it twice - of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, spouses, local gentry, & your staff… No 4: CHRISTMAS AT SCARHELLDEATH HALL Warning: A Christmas yarn so shocking that it gave Mrs Whitehouse the vapours… tinyurl.com/599fwren

I’m making a list -& checking it twice- of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, spouses, & staff No 3: CARRION CHRISTMAS WARNING: If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this podcast please consult your local exorcist #christmashorror #horrorcomedy tinyurl.com/3crah3yz

I’m making a list - & checking it twice - of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, spouses, local gentry, & your staff… No 2: SATAN’S CLAWS ARE COMING TO TOWN WARNING: May cause sleepless nights & bedwetting. Or is that just me…? podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

I’m making a list - & checking it twice - of my spooky yarns for Yuletide. Tell your friends, spouses, local gentry, & your staff… No 1: SATAN BABY WARNING: narrated by a voice that can be erotically overpowering (eg mine) podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

The world is in a ghastly state. There’s no alternative: Yours Truly needs to take over. I know how to stage a coup; I’ve learned my lesson from the previous 37 failed attempts

I often think of our ancestors at Plymouth, waving off the Mayflower, as they think to themselves 'Ha, that's the last we'll hear from them'

Sir Desmond Stirling’s Carrion Christmas Christmas 1971: Derek Playfair- theatrical agent, trendy playboy & fearless adventurer- is visiting the seaside resort of Heelmouth to see a client in Mother Goose But it’s not just the weather outside which is frightful… podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/t...

I wonder if they’ll acquire Chisel Films too - the so-called Creepy Cottage of Chisel

Werewolf! Now that’s a man’s monster. Wouldn’t mind bagging one, mounting its head over the fireplace. Unless it was only a wolf’s head at full moon. Wouldn’t want a cove’s face staring glassily at me for 28 days of the month. Not again…