Me: Can you recreate the painting of Ophelia floating in the pond but instead of holding flowers she's holding a white flag that says "waiting on the sweet embrace of death" in red letters? ChatGPT: what Me: what

Life pro tip buy a $5 jade plant at Walmart now so when you die you become the legendary aunt or uncle some future generation inherited their giant mature jade tree from.

Oops time to update the karaoke practice playlist

I have been estranged from my father for a year this month. I hope his gun collection, whose rights he voted for over my human rights three times, brought him comfort and joy this holiday season.

Me at work today "And in conclusion, this Copilot prompt will really help you knock out some of your admin stuff." "I drained all the water out of Lake Michigan to cool a data center to test this prompt." "You guys'll never guess what we found when we drained Lake Michigan."

1. My big dog loves my small dog 2. But my small dog hates my big dog 3. BUT my small dog has just discovered that my big dog is ✨warm✨

People posting the best albums of the 1990s are sleeping on these greats.

Doctors shouldn't be able to tell you "it's just your period" and then charge your insurance company like how is that not insurance fraud?

I was just at the grocery store and 9 out of 10 people I saw were men getting one item. It's me, I'm Christmas Eve grocery store husband picking up the one thing my wifey forgot.

Songs that feel like they came out at least 20 years earlier than they did "Maria" by Blondie "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys "Friday I'm In Love" by the Cure

About to find out if conservatives really have a problem with "post birth abortion" or nah.

Imagine being Kate McKinnon and everybody knows you dated Bari Weiss, how embarrassing for her.

My hair stylist was cutting my hair n she conversationally said "so it's almost time to get your brows done again too, huh?" And in 44 years of life I have never been called out so hard.

Ibizan Pizza Hound was bred to watch for the pizza guy and alert owner when pizza arrives.

When the computer restarts and you lose your 87 emotional support browser tabs.

2015: working for a fat lesbian boss 2025: I have become the fat lesbian boss

When we say "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" does it mean "I'm so hungry I could eat 1200 lbs of animal" or does it mean "I'm so hungry I can get past the psychological barrier I have against eating certain animals based on their historical relationship with man"?

First therapy session after Thanksgiving promises to be a doozy 🦃

What boys? Which yard? I have so many questions.

Horse racing is so stupid honestly like it's just horses running around but we put small guys on their backs??

me when somebody at work says "but we've always done it this way!!"

Convincing you to read my short story with the first sentence. Share yours if you want. (Read in www.fusionfragment.com/issue-23/)

"I'm not sure if you've heard," my boomer mom said with a gravitas that suggested she was about to tell me of a death in the family, "but your aunt no longer has a landline."

Time-traveling Catherine from 2025: "and after we ate an entire pie at the Detroit-style pizza parlor I went next door and bought a bag of weed gummies for $15." 1995 Catherine who sells weed out of her wonderbra cup: "I am definitely hallucinating this shit."

I just became a monthly donor to the Abortion Fund of Maryland and I hope you will consider doing the same. Everyone loves someone who has had an abortion.

It's only "blush blindness" if you don't know how much you have on. I prefer the term "blush madness."

Not to brag but my girlfriend and I are adorable (actually yes to brag)

Henlo friends

Beauty items I buy the most on Amazon

Man people just be out here saying words

What is she in for?

Costco is completely out of diet coke. I know it may seem unfair to complain when things are going SO WELL otherwise but this kind of thing never happened under Obama.

When I google "Airbnb" the first result that comes up is VRBO and I think that's such an alpha move.

"are corporations people?" i mean idk Jan it depends whether they're trying to buy a gun or get an abortion i guess

I'm forty four but I have the skin of a sixteen year old (acne prone).

I dropped tofu on the floor and one of the dogs ate it and I have this extremely persistent hunch that if I tell my brother he'll say something very funny in response.

AI version of myself that does my job for me so I can sun myself upon a rock like the apex predator I am.

Online stores: We can't hold items in your cart! They're selling out fast! You only have 10 minutes left to buy this before we give it to someone else! Online stores (3 days later): Please come back and check out your cart.

rosencrantz and guildenstern's bomb ring

Yes I keep up with current events 🙄 for instance I know there's an election in New York and one of the candidates has a bunch of cats —me, after spending three (3) minutes on social

Seems like something a bot would write www.axios.com/2025/10/14/a...

Another fun thing I learned at Karaoke is if someone sings Machinehead you can walk around and ask all the Bros "so, are you a fellow bush fan?"

You learn something new every day for instance the other day I was at karaoke and I learned that I've had the words for Machinehead wrong for 30 years.

Biz trip accessory shots let's set the tone for this meeting

All fragrances are unisex change my mind

There is no textual evidence that Jolene was actually interested in the narrator's man in this essay I will

Whoever has my voodoo doll right now kindly stop playing MacArthur Park to it.

It is not better to be feared than loved. It is not better to be loved than feared. It is better to be loved AND feared, like one of those rickety old wooden roller coasters

Fragile masculinity is when you are threatened by the existence of the soap dish

Gay conversion therapy for straight women but it's the Ludovico Technique from A Clockwork Orange and I make you sit in a chair and look at pictures of Christina Hendricks and listen to the Indigo Girls. Congrats, your straightness is cured.