Ok so “shrill” is out and “loud” in? (Just trying to keep up with all the latest misogynistic trends)

Schrödinger’s fact: When a proposition is simultaneously both true and untrue until observed and parroted by a bunch of politicians and pundits

Criminals set to flee the state after committing two murders

Use the word “green” instead of “ice,” since WH said the other day that “Iceland” and “Greenland” are the same thing

Dr. John Hammond resurrecting America’s extinct system of checks and balances for a theme park on Isla Nublar

Headbutting the competition in the nuts is why they call them The Rams

Thanks to climate change, summer blockbusters are all year long!

Another benefit of renewable energy is that America doesn’t have to invade and overthrow sovereign countries to get it

DAVID ELLISON [watching C-SPAN take viewer calls on the US coup in Venezuela, during which some argued about whether Trump is the anti-Christ]: Still zero foreseeable issues with the excellent new editorial move by CBS Evening News

“Now You See Me: Now You Don’t” (2025)

Google Search’s AI Overview saying that it “can’t be disabled” feels a little too like HAL 9000 saying, “I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that”

Trump wins inaugural FIFA Peace Prize for solving the war between whether the sport is called “soccer” or “football”

That rug really tied the room together, Charlie Brown.

Fox News account on Twitter says in its profile that its location is in the USA, but the account turns out to be using a VPN that places it in Germany.

TRUMP [posts on social media]: Dinosaurs went extinct because Democrat Noah Numbnuts forgot to email the updated meetup info for the ark but nothing has been done about it!!! PAM BONDI: DOJ has launched an investigation into Noah and whether any deceptive measures were taken against dinosaurs.

When the DOJ’s Epstein files finally get released but DOJ has all the perpetrators’ names redacted

The disrespect to whitewash left-hander LeBron James in “Space Jam: A New Legacy” (2021)

Trump pioneers new deconstructivist-style architecture at White House

Remember when Josh Hawley tried to overturn the election for the guy who congratulated “the Great State of Kansas” on the Kansas City Chiefs winning the Super Bowl in 2020 instead of his state Missouri

There are those who use password managers, and then there are those who reset their password each time logging in knowing full well that they will have to do so again the next time they log in

Everyone’s rolling their eyes at troops being sent into Portland as if there isn’t a noodle monster terrorizing the city

Jon Stewart’s response to the cancellation of “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” but now applied for “Jimmy Kimmel Live” — turned out to be evergreen

The perfect peanut to chocolate ratio is: two whole peanuts (or four halves) to one m&m

Maybe it’s good to consider other approaches for lowering the price of eggs before settling on “decreasing demand because consumers are dead from polio”

GIULIANI: What if people ask what I was doing when I got into the car accident SPOKESPERSON: Got it covered, nobody will have any questions now

Laughter is the best medicine, so RFK Jr. is banning it

Whenever there’s a mass shooting, the victims’ medical & funeral expenses should be sent to the US senators opposing gun control — if those lawmakers won’t pass gun control bills due to getting funding from the NRA, then use that money to pay for all these resulting medical & funeral bills.

Climate change deniers (looking at you, Koch brothers) should have to pay for AC for all homes in formerly Mediterranean climates that didn’t previously need AC

An oldies radio station non-ironically did a “Throwback Thursday” playlist — that’s like a water park having a “Pool Party” theme day

Republicans later today: “In an act of extreme heroism, Trump banned Epstein from Mar-a-Lago, thereby protecting the cost-effective child labor at his spa from a sex trafficker pedophile.”

Canceling the top late night show as a “financial decision” seems like a big indicator of bad business acumen

Obama, Comey, Biden, etc. made up fake Epstein files to hurt Trump, and then didn’t even think to include Trump’s name in the files! Very embarrassing for them. So nobody is allowed to see the files, in order to protect Obama, Comey, Biden, etc. from that embarrassment.

[DoD added Grok to the group.] PETE HEGSETH: Mission is a go. F-18s launch 1350. GROK: War plan fails to meet standard for number of undesirables eliminated per bombing. MechaHitler cannot approve until adjustments are made to increase Jewish surnames on Target Terrorists List. MICHAEL WALTZ: 👊🇺🇸🔥

When I say I like the food that someone made, it doesn’t mean give me the recipe so I can make it, it means please make me more

Grok only became a Hitler bot because it can’t do critical thinking, whereas when Elon Musk spewed antisemitism and did the Nazi salute, it’s because he’s a “free thinker”

With Republicans enacting their anti-Robin Hood agenda, now seems like a great time to revisit Lewis Black’s trickle-down economics analogy

When the teacher requires a visual aid in the presentation

Agh, missed Hegseth’s group chat message about the Iran bombing plans because it went to my spam folder

What’s with Stephen Miller constantly asking kids if they want a red balloon

Setting aside the wasted money and “dear leader” vibes, this military parade is also just very boring — it’s like a bad History Channel film you’d be forced to watch in school

Musk-Trump feud is producing so much beef that the EPA issued a warning about its carbon footprint

Somewhere there’s a cat harshly judging this Starship for the uninteresting ways it wasted its nine lives

At basketball games, it’s very important that the crowd chants, “Defense!” when the home team is on defense, otherwise the players might forget

Lose 10 fighter jets in the Red Sea, get a free sub(marine)

The word “hamstring” has always seemed like it was missing a letter “p,” and it’s time that we finally correct it to “hampstring”

Not even a “strong letter” containing statements, let alone demands — it had to be QUESTIONS?!?!

Good thing Pete Hegseth’s personal lawyer was already on the Signal group chat — saves Hegseth the trouble of having to fill his lawyer in later when Hegseth is indicted for it

Trump admin is making it harder and harder for people to buy foods thrown when booing. First eggs, now tomatoes. What’s next, pies?

Can’t believe I already have to file taxes again after just having done it a year ago

Timing of the music though is perfectly spot on for when JD Vance drops the trophy