Freudenfreude over Fajitas Every few weeks I go out for lunch with my boss. This is in our capacity as "mates" rather than boss-man and sidekick, although we do talk a bit about work because that's what we mostly have in common. Today I had my usual - fajitas - but I think I'll have to try…

Checking In I've not heard from my husband for a few days. I was getting worried. He's not the world's greatest responder to messages, but I like to know that he's "OK" (whatever that means). Actually, that means alive, not excessively ill, and not in any kind of danger or crisis. This morning I…

All Clear on the Chlamydia Front? My test results have come back! All clear - I don't have any infections. They tested for: Urine, throat, and rectal Chlamydia Urine, throat, and rectal Gonorrhoea HIV Syphilis Hepatitis C and B Which is an enormous relief … especially since I'm off to see Cicero…

The Tears Are Not Ready Things are getting deeper in counselling. Tonight we started talking about history, because I said that the last time we spoke that I felt tears behind my eyes and strong emotions when I started talking about why the history of my relationship was important. I talked about…

Running Toward Myself I have been for a run! The first since my heart attach ten weeks ago! I thought that I might try it this morning - I had a horrible anxious feeling that's been building for a while, although what it's about, I do not know. My best guess is that I am used to a haunting and…

The Spa of No Expectations Ambrosius and I caught the coach to Bournemouth; fifty minutes, partly motorway, partly through the forest. He's good company and funny, so the time flew by. There were only three other people on the coach, plus the driver, which felt relaxing. Two of them got off…

The trials of Venus I had the day off to go to Bournemouth with my friend Ambrosius. We were catching a coach at midday with the intention of spending the afternoon in the sauna. Clearly, I would be going to participate only through the form of voyeurism. Since I had time, I went to the gym for an…

Grounded in the Steam I'be booked the day off work, and today was meant to be my third attempt at enjoying the sauna properly. The last two times, I didn’t relax - didn’t play - just sat there like a bewildered monk, wondering what everyone else seemed to be doing so effortlessly. This time I…

Grief is a silent stalker I wake up with headache most days. Possibly dehydrated after sleep. Sometimes, the headache will pass after coffee, which confirms that it's dehydration - or possibly caffeine withdrawals. Some days the headache persists and gets worse; that I put it down to stress or…

Waking Next to Absence I had a friend over last night. Originally, he was going to come over and we'd watch Wicked together because he's obsessed with the film. We watched a two other films instead. He was wonderful with the dog - she calms down soon much better when she's involved (by which I…

Love in the Time of Chlamydia Well. Fancy that. A different kind of adventure. Today I got a message from a recent playmate: he has Chlamydia. I've never had a sexually transmitted disease before. I figure that it's just a risk of playing outside of a monogamous relationship. Although I never…

Teaching positive masculinity A primary school in south‑west London has made a smart and progressive move by featuring Elliot Page - alongside Harry Styles - as positive examples of masculinity in their curriculum. They’ve used Page to show that masculinity isn’t just about grit or toughness, but…

Refugees as a Geopolitical Tool: Migration, Hybrid Warfare, and the Rise of Illiberal Politics Somebody on Reddit asked recently how Poland was doing economically, and one of the Polish responders made an oblique comment about immigration — specifically the influx from Ukraine. It got me thinking:…

Being Heard: My MP’s Response on Trans Healthcare and Hate Crime You might remember that a little while ago I wrote to my MP regarding the current persecution of trans people in politics and the media. You can read it here. A couple of days ago I had a reply from my MP: I hope you are well, and…

Vanishing Eunuchs I noticed long time ago that in many online communities, people tended to vanish shortly after their surgery. It worried me: were they ok? Did they have any regrets, or complications? It creates a problem whereby the online spaces are populated with only a small number of actual…

Double Standards As time moves on, I find myself reflecting on this that happened. One of them came to my mind today… When my husband moved out, I helped him set up all his electrical stuff - TV, Blu-ray, broadband, etc. At times was difficult, because there weren't any instructions with the…

A Chronologically Confused Cardiac Adventure I'd had an MRI last Monday, where they induced all the sensations of a panic attack, shoved me into a giant doughnut, and asked me to hold my breath for ten minutes. It's an experience I can tick off and hopefully won't need to repeat. Today was the…

IDEA: Early bed without a guilt trip. I had a long Friday night. A busy Saturday day. It's Saturday night. I'm tired. I can go to bed before ten o'clock without being tutted at or having eyes rolled at me. I can do what my body needs without guilt. Cosy in bed. Reading before signing off for the…

The Postulant Today I met up with a fellow who had been suffering from dysphoria for a very long time; we've been chatting online for a little over a year. We decided to meet up halfway between our two homes as we were both wanting to travel by train. It was an early start, made more difficult by…

The post-mortem begins It felt like there was a lot to talk about in counselling: it's not everyday that your husband starts divorce proceedings. That was emotional to talk about - both the recognition that my husband isn't he kind of person to do such a thing and not tell me advance, but also…

Paperwork Last week I had an email informing me that my husband was starting divorce proceedings against me. That was a surprise, let me tell you! You don't expect to get an email out of the blue about such things. Or maybe you do. Later on that week, when I took some medicine over to him, he…

Beta-Blocked Below the Belt I've been having a bit of trouble with down there lately. It's not been working properly. Mind you, I haven't particularly minded, but there's something about producing eunuch goo for my top to say "look what you made me do" that is kind of hot. It is getting me…

Sun Salutations and Self-Trust I have felt so tired lately. Last night I went to bed even earlier, but it was still about half-ten when I finished reading and turned out the light. I woke shortly after six in the morning. After lying there for a few minutes, I asked "hey Google! What time is it…

IDEA: After the Evil Empire: Britain’s Long War on Difference After the Evil Empire: Britain's Long War on Difference “…since the gradual collapse of the Evil Empire of Communism left nothing to unite the rich few and numerous poor on the right into the semblance of unity except a factious…

Knowing me, knowing you Having the house to myself, I'm tending to finishing jobs, repairing things, and tidying stuff. I'm enjoying the calmness and freedom that is brought me. The lounge still needs a few little things doing to fully repair the damage from last year's flood. The bathroom needs a…

The lure of gendering While I was reading Ben Pechey's "Book of Non-Binary Joy", I found that I was trying to do something absurd: I was trying to work out Ben's gender! It took several chapters before I finally let go of this need to gender them. I find that especially curious since I am…

I used to think love was enough My husband sent me a message today asking for tech support with his soundbar and printer. I was planning to go to Lymington with a friend today, but I said that I could pop in for an hour or so in the morning to sort it out for him. When I arrived, he was very…

No option for sadness So. He has done it. He has applied for a divorce. I guess that's the right thing to happen next - although I'd been prevaricating and procrastinating. Suddenly I feel very sad and very tired. I suppose that I'd been expecting it. It still makes me feel heavy. The initial…

IDEA: Between the Spear and the Spindle: Woden’s Feminine Magic While reading 50 LGBTQ+ Finds, I discovered that Woden - king of the Anglo-Saxon gods - was a gender-bending deity! So I thought I'd do a bit of research... The image of Woden – or Odin, if you prefer his northern form – is usually…

Between Land and Sea: Atargatis and the Castrated Priests of the Deep There are goddesses who rule the earth, and goddesses who rule the heavens - but Atargatis, the great Syrian Mother, ruled the waters in between. Half woman, half fish, she was said to have thrown herself into a lake out of…

Madam! Behave! I am loving the social life I'm developing since living on my own, but there is one problem: Because my husband and I very rarely had any visitors, she's quite unused to having people around - and she goes bananas! Boing! Boing! Boing! Jumping and licking the poor guest. If they're…

Weekend of Faces What a busy weekend! Full of socialising… and I am pooped now! Friday was cinema night with Ambrosius. We walked into town together and watched I Swear (which I found incredibly moving), afterwards we had a beer and a chicken burger. He can be quite intense sometimes, but was much…

Yet more castration humour Time for another post on Castration Humour! Enjoy! Who can see the twist at the end coming? Johnny is walking along the beach and finds a corroded lantern in the sand. He rubs it to polish it up, and a genie pops out. "Well, this is my lucky day." // "Not so fast,…

I Swear: a film that let me feel Last night I went to see I Swear at a little independent cinema in town with a friend. I think we went to see it because this friend has discount cinema tickets. I really didn't know what to expect. It follows the real life of John Davidson, who develops tourettes…

Letting the grief breathe I was thinking of bringing my counselling to an end. Things are peaceful in the house, I'm beginning to settle into having the place to myself. I'm making friends and trying to explore myself. Sessions were mostly becoming a recap of the previous fortnight. During last…

The Soliloquy of the Middle-Aged Molecule So here I am – dihydrotestosteronely inclined, clinically dispensed, delicately smeared across the shoulders of those caught between virility and fatigue. They call me Testavan. Two pumps. Three if you're feeling frisky – but let’s not be hasty. For I am a…

The abdication of home Having the house to myself has left me realising just how detached I was from the house while I was living with my husband. It didn't feel like my home because it didn't enough of me about it. I was allowed one bookcase, but decor and artwork was mostly his choice because he…

Book Review: Leather Forever (Pete Fitz) eunuchorn.uk/2025/10/07/b...

Knots in my stomach, knots in my heart Damned my stupid brain! It's caught in an overthinking spiral. I'm seeing Ambrosius today for some puppy play. And I found myself wondering if Patricius was ok with that. Patricius and I are friends, and hopefully friends with benefits. Actually, I'd like him…

My Evenings, My Self Since living on my own, I've felt free to spend time on things I enjoy - reading and piano, of course - but also my TV obsessions. I watched the original series of Star Trek on Netflix again. Star Trek, especially the Next Generation, has been an obsession since my teens. Star…

Star Trek TOS: The Ultimate Computer I’ve been watching Star Trek the original series and recently saw the episode The Ultimate Computer (1968), and how eerily relevant it feels in 2025. In the story, Dr Richard Daystrom installs his revolutionary "M-5" computer aboard the Enterprise. The idea is…

Finding My Own Vertical As I get better, I feel safer doing more and more — and some of those things are DIY jobs around the house. After my heart attack, I was told that I shouldn't do anything physical for at least four weeks - I certainly didn't ought to be climbing ladders! So today I was…

Book Review: 50 LGBTQ+ Finds – Ben Paites I bought this book at Colchester castle on my visit to see A Number in Space and Time. I'd assumed from the title that it was a book of pictures of LGBTQ+ artifacts from throughout history - silly me didn't actually open the book to see! It contains five…

Locked In: How Chastity Fed My Dysphoria I was talking to a chappie who'd reached out to me about castration. He is doing a DIY job using alcohol injections. I really worry about people doing that - its really not safe! But what can they do when the medical profession is so obstructive? Not…

Discharged – Back to Life, Back to Work I had a call with the cardiac nurse today to talk about how I was recovering. It was quite a long call and she was very thorough - my sweet-tooth is a small problem from a heart perspective really: I am not overweight from a medical perspective, even if I…

Love at a distance, cake at the door I have been missing my husband and I wanted to check on him and make sure that he's ok - he has been ill (a 48 hour sickness and diarrhea bug). I'd also baked a cake and wanted to take him some for him. He didn't seem that keen for me to visit - actually, he's…

Emails, updates, and a nap Today is my first day officially back to work. Mornings only. I really struggled to get up. It takes time at the moment to get both my head and my body ready to get out of bed. I can't get straight up, I have to sit on the edge of the bed for five minutes to let my heart…

Love Me, Love My Dog Ambrosius came over for puppy play. He gave me a beautiful warm hug and soft kisses when he arrived. My real life dog went bananas, so excited was she to meet another human. Ambrosius was very nervous of her though. I lent him my old hood and harness, and his amber eyes…

He’s Not A Patient; He’s A Very Naughty Boy Yay! Counselling! Who looks forward to their counselling session? I do! It had been a busy day doing chores and shopping for bits - once again I'd done more than somebody in my condition should. I am a bad patient! Quite a bit had happened since my last…

Four Weeks: Not Afraid of Dying, Afraid of Dysfunction Its been four weeks since my heart attack. the time has dragged and flown by at the same time. The first weeks dragged, the second weeks flew - I think its because I had settled into a more gentle rhythm I don't think I was ever afraid; I'm…