ChatGPT Wrapped 2025 (or: what happened when I accidentally used an AI as a thinking partner for a whole year) Spotify Wrapped dropped again this year, reminding everyone which songs they overplayed, which moods they lived in, and which artists soundtracked their lives. This is not that. This is…

Public (in)conveniences I had to come into town to have a contact lens checkup. Busting for a pee, I headed towards the toilets. There was quite a long queue for the lady's loo. No queue for the gents. Hmm. Is this another reason why TERFs hate trans women? Increased demand for limited resource;…

Soul Wars – Episode 3: The Men Who Restore Me … continuing from Soul Code – Episode 2: Growing Around the Absence. The Unexpected Metric I used to judge relationships on shared interests, engaging personality, intelligence, doing things together, even physical attraction (especially to begin…

The Eunuch as Infrastructure (or: what societies kept building instead of fixing themselves) When we talk about eunuchs, we usually talk about meaning.Symbol. Trauma. Otherness. Gender disruption. Sexual absence. What we talk about far less is function. Historically, eunuchs were not created…

Two Candles On the anniversary of my mum's death, I go to Winchester cathedral to light a candle. The cathedral is the only church open in the period twixt Christmas and New Year. I say "death", not some sanitised euphemism such as "we lost her" or "she passed away". We did not "lose" her. You can…

The Harder Part of Christmas … continued from The Quiet Part of Christmas … At just after quarter-past-one, I packed all the presents for my husband, grabbed the doggy poo bags, and walked across to his flat. It was cold, but bright. There is a silence to Christmas that I absolutely love: the…

The Quiet Part of Christmas Christmas Eve I asked my husband (not yet ex) whether he'd like to come and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" with me in town. I've never seen it, but everyone tells me its a wonderful film. He was busy preparing for Christmas Day (he's a perfectionist and a faffer, so he's…

Soul Code – Episode 2: Growing Around the Absence Following on from Soul Code – Episode 1: The Silent Menace Opening Scene - The Familiar Isn't Always Safe My husband was gorgeous and absolutely my "type": hairy, stocky, and older than me by ten years. He was also in AA. I thought to myself "this…

When the Body Remembers Before I Do I’ve had a cold these last few days. Nothing dramatic - just enough to flatten me a bit. Tired. Headachy. Fuzzy. The sort of low-grade unwellness that blurs the edges of everything else. And because of that, I didn’t notice at first. Today I felt better. The fog…

Counselling: Notes from the Table Counselling! I laid out the chart of my marriage on the table to ready for Richard, boiled the kettle, and waited for him to arrive. When he came, I didn't put the dog in the kitchen again - she is slowly getting better around people and the only way to get her…

A calm coffee with my Ex Having cancelled my play with Funiculosus and my family visit for tomorrow, I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and grab a few bits to eat in the week. I might have a cold, but I still have to eat. On the way home, I saw my husband coming in the other direction. He…

Responsibility, Snot, and Disappointment I have been so excited about seeing Funiculosus this weekend. We'd been messaging each other, both as friends and as Dom/sub talking about our upcoming session. Then last night before bed my throat started to feel sore. This morning it was even more sore,…

Respectful humiliation This post discusses consensual BDSM play, including domination, humiliation, impact play, gagging, choking (with explicit consent and safewords), and emotional vulnerability during and after sex. It also references health anxiety and boundaries being tested and negotiated.…

Consent Is the Foreplay This post contains open discussion of consensual kink, BDSM negotiation, and explicit sexual boundaries. It’s about communication and consent, but it doesn’t shy away from the details. Severus and I met on a gay hookup app in August. We were actually scheduled to meet in…

Clarity Is Kinder Than Confusion Content warning:This post discusses sexual encounters, bereavement, boundary-setting, and emotional discomfort. There are references to grief and sexual situations that some readers may find challenging. Yesterday, Sunday's disastrous hookup sent me an intimate…

How My Nan Kept the Peace Every three weeks, those of my team who live close enough to Southampton to make the trip in, get together for a lunch to say "hi!" and celebrate the completion of another batch of work. At the lunch, a friend stirred his lime and soda with his fork. Then another friend…

Before I Knew How to Leave This post discusses sexual encounters, emotional coercion, bereavement, religious guilt, and experiences of obligation around sex. It may be difficult for some readers. Reflecting on yesterday's encounter, I became aware that it was almost an exact replay of my first…

A day that taught me about compassion, consent, and leaving early So. Here’s the thing. I’d been messaging a guy that I met on Recon (a gay kink hookup app), who described himself as a top. His profile picture was one of his toys rather than of himself. Lesson 1: there’s usually a reason someone…

A circle of soundbites – further reflections After writing yesterday's piece, something clicked for me: I realised that I've spent a lifetime feeling like the difficult one because people kept trying to fix me, not my sensory environment. My husband kept struggling to communicate with me and he,…

A circle of soundbites It was the works Christmas do this evening. The venue was much better than last year: there might have been music in the background, but it was unobtrusive. However, it was still bloody noisy! At least the food was good. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. There's an…

Soul Code – Episode 1: The Silent Menace I Didn’t Learn Love the Way Other People Did I knew from an early age that my household wasn't normal, but as a child finding the words that could label that difference between my home and those around me wasn't easy. I could see other boys' fathers were…

A Kiss Before the Army: Alexander, Bagoas, and the Edges of Identity Despite studying Ancient History at Uni, I first encountered the name Bagoas when reading 50 LGBTQ+ Finds by Ben Paites (page 9). And just like the first time I saw the word eunuch, something in me startled awake. Two and a half…

Counselling after sexual liberation As usual, I started with the roundup of the past two weeks. I felt his delight as I shared my adventures with him - there were a few laugh out loud moments when he turned a fabulous shade of red as he threw his head back and guffawed at my tales - particularly…

Little hands, quick years Today I just want to pause in the simple joy of sitting on the floor and playing with children like I'm one of them, but using my adult strength as part of the play. Bench pressing them (they are only tiny at five and three-and-a-half), holding them up and spinning around…

Hypochondria, premonition – or just another day? The trouble with having had a heart attack is an increase in, which I hope is, hypochondria! Yesterday, when doing a bit of DIY, and without being particularly energetic, I had to stop and sit down because I thought I was going to black out. It…

His Birthday, Our Old Conversation The husband and I (we're still married - at least for now) never talked about what we should do for presents for Christmas or birthdays, so without having set any rules or expectations I felt that I could only do what I always did: I bought loads of gifts. He was…

Held: A Shibari Encounter I met Funiculosus on the Recon kink hook-up app. He's very much into rope bondage - specifically shibari, the Japanese art of rope bondage. I have wanted to try it for years - I even tried to get my husband into it because I thought he'd enjoy the precise yet sensual…

My Father’s Script, and Mine My dad phoned just as I was leaving the house to take the dog on her evening walk. Normally I don't like talking to him in the evenings - he's been to his club for his liquid lunch and he can be a bit aggy. This was a nice conversation. This was a slightly different…

Pillion: Power, Desire, and Dinner After Patricius and I went to watch the film Pillion; we had once both been into motorbikes and we both have a current interest in kink and leather. The film follows the relationship between gawky mummy's boy Colin (Harry Melling) and Ray (Alexander Skarsgård), a…

A Witch, A Woman, A Galaxy: Abigail Thorne’s Quiet Star Wars Revolution Living without my husband, I am at last free to enjoy Star Wars! I started with The Mandalorian (excellent!), although the big ending to season two was rather pointless when it was completely ignored for season 3. I guess,…

The Wages of Sin (Apparently) Are Haemorrhoids London's leather weekend was the most debauched I've ever been. Again, without going into details on a public site, I had more sex in the four days that I was there than in the previous four years. And I'm a total bottom. These days, thanks to the…

Debugging the Body: A Visit to the GP About a week ago I sent an e-consultation to the surgery to ask whether the timings of some of my heart medications could be changed and if I might start reducing my antidepressants because I am finding it very difficult to get going in the mornings! I am only…

London Leather: Epilogue and Afterglow After the Leather Social, Cicero and I were both very tired and went straight to bed. In the morning, he had to get up for work. I hid on the stairs while he attended his first meeting of the morning. After showering, I snuggled next to him and gently…

London Leather 3: Kink, Calm, and Keeping My Dad From Panic Continuing my adventures at the London Leather Weekend... Content note: This post includes kink, BDSM dynamics, and sexual themes (non-graphic). Once the three of us woke, Cicero again made coffee. We ate chocolate bars for breakfast,…

London Leather 2: Bears, Brothers, and the Texture of Desire Following on from London Leather 1... Content note: This post includes kink, BDSM dynamics, and sexual themes (non-graphic). I woke next to the little Philippino guy, who started by cuddling me before going full on randy rabbit. He was a…

London Leather Day 1: A Collar, a Club, and a Very Bad Beer Content note: This post includes kink, BDSM dynamics, and sexual themes (non-graphic). I am off to London to spend another fun weekend with Cicero! The dog has been packed off to have her little holiday in the country. I have packed a…

Starting to map the marriage The first thing I did when Richard (my counsellor) arrived was apologise for breaching his privacy by looking at his dating profile earlier in the week. He was fine - I said that I was so shocked about crossing the boundary that I swiped left, but I could have "woofed"…

Being Heard – and Being Handled: My MP’s Letter and the Minister’s Evasion (part 2) After reading the Minister for Equalities' response – which Satvir forwarded to me as promised – I felt it was important to reply. Satvir's own correspondence has been clear, candid, and genuinely supportive; the…

Swiping across boundaries In a bored moment, I was on one of the gay dating apps idly swiping through "matches". Too young, swipe left, etc. Then a nice face appears. "Isn't that my counsellor?" I ask myself. Before I had time to think about it and such questions as "boundaries", I am looking at…

Being Heard – and Being Handled: My MP’s Letter and the Minister’s Evasion (part 1) A little while ago I wrote to my MP, Satvir Kaur, about the political and media hostility towards trans people, and the very real consequences we're now seeing in healthcare, policing, and daily life. You can read…

Visible and Vanishing: Trans Day of Remembrance The Weight of Remembrance Every year on 20 November, communities around the world gather to mark the Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR). It began in 1999, after the murder of Rita Hester, a Black trans woman in Massachusetts. Her death - and the…

Apparently I Need Two Hours’ Notice I had to visit the sexual health clinic to pick up my PrEP (Pre Exposure Prophylactics - a pill that can be taken to make one HIV resistant). They need to perform a few tests - most noticeably kidney function because PrEP can stress the kidneys if taken too…

“A Previous Life”: Reading Edmund White in the Midst of My Own Ending This is a posthumous novel; I don't know how much are Edmund's own words and what was added to complete the story. It is kind of autobiographical, but with an imaginative twist: it is set in the far future with the protagonists…

A quiet rite by the sea It's been years since my husband last joined me on one of ritual trips to Clevedon. I had asked Patricius to come, when I'd originally planned to go on the Saturday, but he had plans and when I switched to the Sunday because of the weather I felt that I wanted to be alone.…

@euronuch.bsky.social hello! Interesting name 🩷

Ball Pools and Broken Hearts At the weekly cinema trip with Ambrosius, I was feeling tired and a little out of sorts. This morning actual tears are coming: I am feeling unbearably sad. The dog knows that I'm sad and fussed me. My husband would understand, and today I deeply miss his embrace. Maybe…

Please Aim for Decency A modest proposal for ending the gender toilet wars This morning, in the men's loos at work, I had a revelation - or possibly a near-death experience by ammonia. The smell hit me first: that unmistakable tang of stale wee. Then the sight - the seat thoughtfully left down,…

Freudenfreude over Fajitas Every few weeks I go out for lunch with my boss. This is in our capacity as "mates" rather than boss-man and sidekick, although we do talk a bit about work because that's what we mostly have in common. Today I had my usual - fajitas - but I think I'll have to try…

Checking In I've not heard from my husband for a few days. I was getting worried. He's not the world's greatest responder to messages, but I like to know that he's "OK" (whatever that means). Actually, that means alive, not excessively ill, and not in any kind of danger or crisis. This morning I…

All Clear on the Chlamydia Front? My test results have come back! All clear - I don't have any infections. They tested for: Urine, throat, and rectal Chlamydia Urine, throat, and rectal Gonorrhoea HIV Syphilis Hepatitis C and B Which is an enormous relief … especially since I'm off to see Cicero…