Heading out to celebrate NYE tonight? Public transport is free until 6am. Use it, avoid driving, and instead concentrate on having fun. Bonus: if you hurl in the train someone else will clean it up. See you fuckers in 2026. #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! A reminder public transport fares increase from tomorrow (Jan 1). #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This Dec 1988 Weston Langford shows loco T398 on Platform 1 at Spencer St Station. Dirty, disgusting and unwashed, T398 was that day choosing to cosplay as an average Frankston line passenger. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Merry fucking Christmas, bitches. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.25pm Update: All lines are currently operating a good service with no delays or incidents. Yeah, we're just as confused as you are. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.20pm Update: Network-wide service delivery is operating in alignment with scheduled timetabling and performance benchmarks, with no material variances identified across the operational footprint. Or, in other words, all lines are currently running well. #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! It’s forecast to be extremely cold today, so If you’re travelling with us please ensure you rug up and stay warm. Stay safe! #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This Feb 1984 Julian Wright pic shows a Harris set crossing the Flinders St Viaduct at Market Street. The train looks resplendent in royal blue and yellow livery, whilst the tram looks completely shit in cream, orange and brown. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Metro 5.20pm Update: Boobs. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.25pm Update: All lines running well this evening, however we've cancelled the 5.17pm service to Upper Ferntree Gully as part of our ongoing commitment to disappointing passengers. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This Weston Langford pic shows Craigieburn as it appeared in 1961. It would still look like this today if everyone agreed to stop producing new Melburnians and demanding extra suburbs to house them. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Good morning Melbourne! With the teen social media ban starting today we've contacted the eSafety Commissioner and asked that our rail network be designated a social media platform, allowing us to legally banish every U16 to the Replacement Bus Netherrealm. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.50pm Update: All lines are running well at present, so you can all go fuck yourselves in the mouth. Eat shit, and we hope you all have a good weekend. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This Nov 1983 Julian Wright pic shows a Tait set running a Port Melbourne-bound service near what is now Port Junction - several years before the grand upgrade to “please enjoy your slow, shitty, overcrowded tram service.” #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Today (4th December) is Gunzel Day - a day to recognise train, tram, bus (and other transport-type) enthusiasts. You can celebrate today by watching Malcolm on ABC iView (or find it on your favourite torrent site). #MetroTrains

A serious, no sarcasm post: With today’s opening of the #MetroTunnel we’d like to congratulate the Vic Govt, Metro Trains, CYP and all involved on making this massive transport infrastructure project a reality - one that is a major game changer for commuters. #MetroTrains

Metro 11.40am Update: Services through the Metro Tunnel are currently delayed due to a FSV request near Arden. Who had “first delay two hours after the Tunnel opened” on their bingo card? #MetroTrains #MetroTunnel

Good morning Melbourne! The Metro Tunnel opens today! After only… checks notes… ten years, five chief engineer breakdowns, three budget blowouts and more artist impressions than scheduled trains. Enjoy Melbourne’s newest way to be late in style. #MetroTrains #MetroTunnel

Multiple flights across Australia are cancelled or delayed due to a software issue impacting Airbus aircraft. We don’t want to be left out, so we’re checking if that software is installed on our trains - and, if not, if we can quickly install it across the fleet. #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! We're excited to announce our 2025 Black Friday deal: buy or top up a Myki and pay full price for it. It's our way of saying thank you. Offer ends 11.59pm Monday 1st December 2025. #MetroTrains

This July 1987 @railmaps.com.au pic shows a “Grey Ghost” near Middle Park on the St Kilda line. Grey Ghosts - refurbished Harris sets - were widely disliked by all, and considered more unpopular than a train replacement bus turning up 45 minutes late. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Good morning Melbourne! Today (Nov 26) is World Sustainable Transport Day. We'd like to acknowledge the Vic Govt for the ongoing subsidies paid to us to ensure this privatised venture continues to remain sustainable for our shareholders. #MetroTrains #TransportDay

Good morning Melbourne! PIDs at Flinders St Station are currently inoperative due to a system fault. We suggest passengers consult their instincts, a local busker or a passing seagull for travel information in the interim. #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! All lines are currently running a good service with no delays or disruptions. Please enjoy this extremely limited-time phenomenon before someone sneezes near a signal box. #MetroTrains

This Feb 1984 Julian Wright pic shows a 6-car Comeng in orange teacup livery near Burnley. 1984 was a truly golden age for transport operators: no smartphones, apps or alerts meaning passengers had no idea what fresh chaos awaited them. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Metro 5.15pm (Perth Time) Update: Services on the Ellenbrook, Airport and Midland lines are suspended due to a derailment at Bayswater. Fortunately, this is Bayswater in Perth, so frankly it does not fall within our daily quota of things to pretend to care about. #MetroTrains

⚠️ METRO TUNNEL OPENING ⚠️ The Metro Tunnel begins operation on Sunday 30 November. Replacement buses will also begin on Sunday 30 November, because of the inevitable trespasser, disruptive passenger, signal fault, train with “a vibe issue”… take your pick. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This Dec 1992 pic (photog unknown) shows the result of a Comeng overrunning the buffers at Ringwood. For a short period, this train became Australia's least airworthy aircraft. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

We're pleased to hear Jacinta Allen's announcement of tougher punishments for juvenile crime. We can only hope these laws will include harsh penalties for the most serious crime of all: not tapping on a valid Myki. #MetroTrains

Today (Nov 11) is the 50th anniversary of the "Constitutional Crisis" - GG John Kerr dismissed Prime Minister Gough Whitlam on this day in 1975. We’re still searching for the clause that lets the GG sack incompetent tram operators with similar ease. #MetroTrains #AusPol

Throwback Thursday! This Nov 1974 Weston Langford pic shows Parcels Van 10CM near Darebin. VR 1974: Parcels moved efficiently across the network same day. AusPost 2025: "We wanted to deliver, but you were home. Pick it up from the post office". #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

It’s not a PID fault, it’s a new interactive puzzle experience courtesy of V/line. Come down to Southern Cross and play "Where The Hell Is This Train Going?" #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! If you're a cunt who enjoys playing dressup and watching horse abuse whilst getting absolutely shitfaced, we're running train services all day to and from Flemington Racecourse. #MetroTrains #NupToTheCup

Metro 5.15pm Update: Reports of a number of people out trick-or-treating in ticket thug costumes. A very brave choice. Not everyone has the confidence to go outside dressed as Melbourne's most feared cryptid. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This 1982 Mark Bau pic shows locomotive E1102 at Flemington Racecourse. This was in a time when "taking an E" meant something else entirely, and definitely less fun. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Metro 5.40pm Update: Minor delays at present on the Cranbourne, Frankston, Pakenham and Sandringham lines because fuck you, that’s why. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.25pm Update: Due to all lines running a good service, we're unable to think up a snarky/witty/funny comment to post. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. #MetroTrains

This Nov 1983 Warren Banfield pic shows DERM RM56-64 on a Sunbury-bound service approaching Footscray. This scene has changed considerably since then: the factories are gone, replaced by cheap generic apartment towers devoid of any personality. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Metro 5.15pm Update: Due to extreme weather across Melbourne this afternoon we’re cancelling all services for the remainder of the day. We’re don’t want our trains damaged by falling debris just because you selfish arseholes want to get somewhere. #MetroTrains

Good morning Melbourne! Geelong has a public holiday today. Although we don’t run trains to Geelong, we don’t want to miss out on the fun. Throughout today we’ll run random trains to a public holiday timetable. Enjoy! #MetroTrains

Yes, services were held up whilst the doggo was rescued, but if you complained about the delays you're a cunt. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.25pm Update: All lines are currently operating a good service. We regret any convenience this causes. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! This March 1986 Mark Bau pic shows a St Albans-bound Harris set at Albion. You may notice Albion was a complete shithole in 1986. It remains a complete shithole in 2025. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

Offering door to door service, Sydney’s buses are miles ahead of us when it comes to customer service. #MetroTrains

Metro 5.30pm Update: All lines are currently running well with no delays, cancellations or other issues. We haven’t actually checked, so here’s hoping that’s the case. #MetroTrains

We weren’t aware the bridges had formed a union and were taking industrial action. #MetroTrains

Throwback Thursday! (kind of) Completely fucking forgot about this and can't be fucked finding something to post. So please enjoy last week's Throwback Thursday. bsky.app/profile/fake... #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

We've today updated our network control software to v10.8.3. Release notes: * All lines run a good service. * Reduce incidents of spontaneous signal failures by 0.0003%. This update is untested - there's no guarantee how stable it is. We expect errors to occur. #MetroTrains

BREAKING: The Metro Tunnel will soft open to passenger services in early December. We plan to follow the Rosstown Railway strategy: Build, run one train, declare victory. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosstow... #MetroTrains