Which will go better with spiral-cut, multi-clonal, honey-glazed ham? Can we just agree to have both? Let's not argue about who gets to perform the impaling of the gelatin lamb. Honey Dont

Whenever I hear it said that the Republicans in Congress need to "grow a spine," I find myself trying to imagine what that would look like. So far I've only come up with two possibilities. Anna Thomically

Easter, in my opinion the weirdest of all holidays, will be here soon so we've got to be ready to do some things that may not come naturally. Jesus H. Pleaser

I want you young people out there to know that you should pose for lots of pictures while you're still supple and good looking! Doug Gerrotypes

If you need a new hat for Easter, Rae Swon can make you a good one. A. Fascinator

Have you ever had that feeling that you were into something that was going to be really big but then you made a foolish mistake and ended up missing out on a whole lot of amazing things? Yeah, me either. Nichols N. Dimes

Right now there are people in Yemen who are trying to decide if they want to go all the way back to their hometown for a stupid high school reunion. The biggest persuader is that it would be a chance to get some of Mom's home-cooked Saltah with fresh, hot Malawach! Sanaa D. Desert

Her eyes are a blue million miles. Al Reet-VanVliet

You'd be sad too if you had to pole dance to foxtrot records on the Victrola for a living. There was always some grubby dude trying to tuck old, bogus Confederate $5 bills into your collar, for Bob Lee's sake. Sarah Dippity

The annual report of "The World's Happiest Countries" is in and the Norwegians are near the top again. What's their secret? I mean, I think they look like they have a secret. Maybe they are still sneaking out and going whaling. They'd be prettier if they smiled! Lola Osloite

I was going to say, "I like my cars like I like my women - huge, with big fins on the rear." But then I thought about it more carefully and decided it didn't accurately portray my preferences. Evie Michoice

I recently spent the night in our local ER. It wasn't exactly The Pitt. I was treated nicely but time moves very slowly. I decided to call it The Trickle. Anyway, my pain was caused by a dinky 4 mm kidney stone! This was a new one on me. If I live long enough I may get to everything. Marcus Wellbee

Yes, depending on what the species needs of course. It's that low yo yo stuff that's elective. Don Low

As a kid I spent time wandering around in the desert behind George Air Force Base, annoying lizards. Desert iguanas were unusual and they had really soft skin. Once our heart rates settled down we would release them. The picture below isn't me, it's a simulation. Sandy Arroyo-Cruz

I never trust "maybe it's an eyeball" situations. Photo of actual woman and actual thing unavailable. Lavinia Cysterhood

To beat the blues eat a Sumo orange while listening to The Boswell Sisters. Start with, "River, Stay 'Way from My Door," their ode to climate disruption. Follow with, "Was That the Human Thing to Do?" It's dedicated to "whomever will be president of the U.S.A. in 2026." Harmony bending! Boz Sumomix

I've been scratching my head trying to remember that time that Jack Benny sat in with Paul Revere and the Raiders. If you were in the audience, I'd certainly like to hear about it. Francis Scott Offkey

My dermatologist says if I want to keep working out in the yard this year I'm going to have to take my sun protection to a whole 'nother level. Otherwise they're going to end up doing more of those Mohs procedures on me, and nobody enjoys that. M. Emmett Walsh

They say The East has a lot to recommend it but I've only experienced The West. Calvin Formula

"Hey sailor - new in tree?" Jane Way

Of course I want to have more children but I wonder if it might be a bit too soon, evolutionarily. Gilbert Intolung

Here we have Isadora Duncan with her dance students. Her students described her as, "a bit much." Isadora Herself

You know things are getting interesting when Wavy Gravy looks like the normal one. Normaler than Moondog and normaler than Tim! Who needs a hug? Lon Chaneydo

I still can't remember if I'm supposed to call him Jim or Roger so I just call him McGuinn the Eskimo. The Byrds headlined the second concert I ever saw and they smelled like new leather jackets. The Antelope Valley Junior College gymnasium totally rocked! Miles Eightman

When you start feeling envious of celebrities just remind yourself that Mahalia Jackson has to mow her lawn the same way you do, one photo-op at a time. Mahalia A. Cab

Billie Holiday and Hazel Scott, trying to think of what rhymes with the word "machination" other than "on probation." Missy Demeanor

I read that Chuck Norris died suddenly while surrounded by his family and my first thought was, "That's exactly how I want to die - suddenly, while surrounded by Chuck Norris's family." I guess I'm supposed to be careful what I wish for. D. Chuck Bunch

Now listen here... open.substack.com/pub/marktrai...

I used to think that 98% of the horrible people on Earth were men. But Trump managed to dredge up some of the most vile and despicable women I've ever seen. He gives them important jobs and big shoes and then turns them loose on innocent Americans. I have revised my estimate to 93%. Opie Mieyze

One of us who lives in this house that we call home (not me) had a knee replacement surgery. The other one of us (me) is attempting to be an empathetic health care aide. I can't believe we pay people $9.69 per hour for this, plus no respect! I think it's time for our next pain pill. Dane Byday

He's got the whole world In his hands He's got the whole world In his hands He's got the whole damn hullabaloo In his hands You'd think he could do A better job than this. Yahweh Better

I know a lot of people are really high on The Shaggs but I've always been more of an Intricate Blend man. Ian D. Beholder

I'm glad Saint Patrick's Day is behind us, as it makes me nervous. It must be the Irish blessing where the road rises up to meet you. For a blessing, it certainly sounds like it would hurt and I end up picturing skinned knees and whatnot. On to weirdo flippin' crucifyin' Easter! Hal E. Daytrader

Back in the 1870s, we only had one ICE agent and by gum, we were happy. Opie Carry

Faulkner and I are both imagining what the Deep South is going to look like in the 2030s. Maynard B. Pretty

"From the cradle to the crypt, it's a very short trip, so you better get it while you can." In a nice way of course. Michael Mostofit

Speaking of Women's History Month, do you remember when Saint Patricia chased the snakes out of Ireland by throwing bricks at them? Classic woman move! Paddy O. Furniture

An osprey knows when it's having a special day. What's your "tell" that you're going to "have a good one" on any given Tuesday? Bonita Karma

At one point in my life I was the caretaker of three box turtles and I must say, I really enjoyed it. There was an Eastern box turtle, a Western box turtle and a Loosey-Goosey box turtle that just wandered down off the mountain. Hizan Herpetologist

The marriage was brief but it was musical. C. Otherpeople

We are a dynamic team - she jumps on the spring cleaning while I lean into the yard work. The age difference is no big deal because we are into the same things, such as overdressing for our activities. Sharon & Harvey Dutie

Man's other best friend, as assembled by Miguel Aparici. Doug E. Dogwhirl

They say the wildflowers are really great in Death Valley right now. So there's something. Hal E. Lujah

Jack White's mother, Teresa, has died. But hey, she made it to 95! Whenever I see a video of Jack White playing music I think to myself, "Damn, I really like Jack White!" Whitey Jackfan

It's hard to find a good general practitioner in my small town. The guy I have been seeing is always asking me for samples of body fluid but there never seems to be a lab report. All he ever says is, "that's aging for you!" I think I'm going to try one of those AI advisors. Dr. Jerry Atricks

Seminal rapper DJ Charlie Chinbeard is now widely hailed as the progenitor of both the back-alley triptych rhyming pattern and the classic, double-hand, "I got your overnight delivery package right here" crotch gesture. Give the man his props! Chuck "Baby" Bathwater

Two dudes, each outstanding in their field. Beau Dacious-Fielding

This is one of my all-time favorite moments to relive for Women's History Month! Jeanie Ology

Oh sure, lots of things look beautiful. Until the sinister AI underbelly is revealed. Pat Terntrick

Feeling melancholy strikes me as being a reasonable response right now. I think I read that Mr. Obama gave a good speech on how to feel hopeful in hopeless times as part of the Jesse Jackson memorial. Maybe I should blast that one on the hi-fi this morning. Norma Leigh Lighter