When people ask me if I'm a "leg man" I set them straight toot sweet by letting them know I'm more of a "multiverse man." Phil Ossify

I finally saw that movie, "The Thirsty Games" for the first time and I enjoyed it but I don't really see what all the folderol was about. I used "thirsty" in it's new context in a sentence! Katniss Everlybrother

If your first time is a baffo "treesome," the entire arena can become a letdown thereafter. Bart Toohigh

Many people would like access to a time machine so they can go back and kill Hitler when he least expected it. I respect that but I would prefer to travel back in time to hear Leon Russell leading the band on Shindig. Tom Atotomato

Baxter, you rascal! Bax Toody-Future

Humans are capable of creating great beauty in the world. We just need to make sure we take the time to savor it. Art Parker

The marketing department had a real challenge on their hands - when you combine a stove and a sink how do you stop people from calling it a "Stink? Claiming it was a range and sink combination turned "Rank." Ultimately they named it The Coral Borealis and sold 11 of them. Alma Burnersfull

With the weather warming I find myself fantasizing about all the fun outdoor activities that are to come! Jim Neighborhood

I keep hearing people say that there are obvious signs of physical and mental deterioration. They even describe it as a type of rot. But I just don't see it - I think he's looking good! Phil Spectoresque

We have an unwavering belief that our behavior is normal and that our domestic practices are healthy and also none of anyone's business. Now if you will excuse us, it's time for the silage delivery man to make his rounds. Anna Green-Gableshift

I will always fondly remember the teacher who taught me my XYZs. A crush? I guess you could call it that. I did feel like we had the type of bond that comes through effortless, unspoken mutual understanding. Miss Creanti

Upon news of his death will you be dancing with an organized group or just free-forming it by yourself at home? Kiki Heelsup

Objective analysis reveals a complete absence of commonality between front view and side boob. Les Veracity

"You sit here now and I will begin the sedation." Anna Thesiacheap

I know there are many thoughtful, intelligent and reasonable people in the world and it's heartwarming to see them go public. My heart was warmed by a woman standing streetside holding a sign that said, "Flip me off if you voted for a pedophile!" No pouting. Fisher Cutbait

Who else has got a touch of the fever? Laine Onnahill

People think that the early cowboy days Out West were all glamor and exuberance. But it wasn't like that. The storms could be terrible, scurvy was rampant, the music was almost always folk songs and sometimes you had to shoot a guy. Gene Oddtry

"So this right here is how Satan would get into our home. And he would be in what they call living color. Are you sure you want to get one, just so you can watch The Price is Right? I will support whatever you decide. And I guess I could watch some football." Delia Widdy-Devil

From what I hear, no matter the denomination, money can't buy you love. Saul Falseprofit

The internet shows me lots of people finding really cool stuff for free. It's always just sitting there on the curb waiting for them. Something must be wrong with my town because I never get any cool stuff. Hans Medowns

It took a while but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I no longer want my hair to look like this. Bruce Magoos

When they're young they puff up tight and straight but you can tell it's an old boy when you see curvature in the spine. You probably think I'm talking about Republican politicians but I'm actually talking about horny toads! I know it still sounds like it could go either way. Na'ashǫ'ii Dich'ízhii

I'm embarrassed that they call themselves my South Korean "fan club" but their support makes an old rocker happy. It tickles me when they call me K-Pops and ask me to sing "Yodel Butt" on the phone. We even discuss musical influences, like Jimmy Driftwood and Blind Snooks Eaglin. K. Pops-Delusion

I'm trying to get the look that she's got going but all I get is this. I think I'm not parting my lips right. Image is so important on the internet that I don't think I can afford to get this wrong. Leon "High Lee" Selassie

Don't be unfooled. open.substack.com/pub/marktrai...

Which will go better with spiral-cut, multi-clonal, honey-glazed ham? Can we just agree to have both? Let's not argue about who gets to perform the impaling of the gelatin lamb. Honey Dont

Whenever I hear it said that the Republicans in Congress need to "grow a spine," I find myself trying to imagine what that would look like. So far I've only come up with two possibilities. Anna Thomically

Easter, in my opinion the weirdest of all holidays, will be here soon so we've got to be ready to do some things that may not come naturally. Jesus H. Pleaser

I want you young people out there to know that you should pose for lots of pictures while you're still supple and good looking! Doug Gerrotypes

If you need a new hat for Easter, Rae Swon can make you a good one. A. Fascinator

Have you ever had that feeling that you were into something that was going to be really big but then you made a foolish mistake and ended up missing out on a whole lot of amazing things? Yeah, me either. Nichols N. Dimes

Right now there are people in Yemen who are trying to decide if they want to go all the way back to their hometown for a stupid high school reunion. The biggest persuader is that it would be a chance to get some of Mom's home-cooked Saltah with fresh, hot Malawach! Sanaa D. Desert

Her eyes are a blue million miles. Al Reet-VanVliet

You'd be sad too if you had to pole dance to foxtrot records on the Victrola for a living. There was always some grubby dude trying to tuck old, bogus Confederate $5 bills into your collar, for Bob Lee's sake. Sarah Dippity

The annual report of "The World's Happiest Countries" is in and the Norwegians are near the top again. What's their secret? I mean, I think they look like they have a secret. Maybe they are still sneaking out and going whaling. They'd be prettier if they smiled! Lola Osloite

I was going to say, "I like my cars like I like my women - huge, with big fins on the rear." But then I thought about it more carefully and decided it didn't accurately portray my preferences. Evie Michoice

I recently spent the night in our local ER. It wasn't exactly The Pitt. I was treated nicely but time moves very slowly. I decided to call it The Trickle. Anyway, my pain was caused by a dinky 4 mm kidney stone! This was a new one on me. If I live long enough I may get to everything. Marcus Wellbee

Yes, depending on what the species needs of course. It's that low yo yo stuff that's elective. Don Low

As a kid I spent time wandering around in the desert behind George Air Force Base, annoying lizards. Desert iguanas were unusual and they had really soft skin. Once our heart rates settled down we would release them. The picture below isn't me, it's a simulation. Sandy Arroyo-Cruz

I never trust "maybe it's an eyeball" situations. Photo of actual woman and actual thing unavailable. Lavinia Cysterhood

To beat the blues eat a Sumo orange while listening to The Boswell Sisters. Start with, "River, Stay 'Way from My Door," their ode to climate disruption. Follow with, "Was That the Human Thing to Do?" It's dedicated to "whomever will be president of the U.S.A. in 2026." Harmony bending! Boz Sumomix

I've been scratching my head trying to remember that time that Jack Benny sat in with Paul Revere and the Raiders. If you were in the audience, I'd certainly like to hear about it. Francis Scott Offkey

My dermatologist says if I want to keep working out in the yard this year I'm going to have to take my sun protection to a whole 'nother level. Otherwise they're going to end up doing more of those Mohs procedures on me, and nobody enjoys that. M. Emmett Walsh

They say The East has a lot to recommend it but I've only experienced The West. Calvin Formula

"Hey sailor - new in tree?" Jane Way

Of course I want to have more children but I wonder if it might be a bit too soon, evolutionarily. Gilbert Intolung

Here we have Isadora Duncan with her dance students. Her students described her as, "a bit much." Isadora Herself

You know things are getting interesting when Wavy Gravy looks like the normal one. Normaler than Moondog and normaler than Tim! Who needs a hug? Lon Chaneydo

I still can't remember if I'm supposed to call him Jim or Roger so I just call him McGuinn the Eskimo. The Byrds headlined the second concert I ever saw and they smelled like new leather jackets. The Antelope Valley Junior College gymnasium totally rocked! Miles Eightman

When you start feeling envious of celebrities just remind yourself that Mahalia Jackson has to mow her lawn the same way you do, one photo-op at a time. Mahalia A. Cab