Give me an afternoon with RPGMaker and I could make the exact same game for $0

Did you know that Jerry Seinfeld wasn't supposed to be on Seinfeld at all? He just got the role bc Larry David noticed he had the same name as the show's main character

Please consult this chart and educate yourself

People will sing your praises if you catch a deadly predator, so why can't they be like that when you catch a deadly virus?

As a kid I thought it was a requirement for all film directors to have glasses and a beard

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Englishman Who Went Up a Hill While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

Quote with your vibe if you were a vampire

Poirot gathers all the suspects in the tea room to expose which one is the killer, but instead of bringing up any evidence he just accuses whoever looks the most like this

We're getting to that time of year again

Interviewing Billy Bob Thornton, and my question is if he feels more like a Billy or a Bob

You lie on the operating table for your heart surgery, and just before the anesthesia kicks in you notice the head surgeon looks and sounds exactly like DarkSydePhil

Oh, so that's why it's called that

Why don't we all just go on a treasure hunt in the Caribbean?

First look at Leonardo DiCaprio and Lilly Gladstone in Mickey 17

I tried to explain that nudity symbolizes purity and innocence in many cultures but the Walmart security guard was having none of it

Every dialect map of the US just looks like this

What did this guy actually expect to accomplish with this?

So far, not a single actual squirrel has beaten Conker's Bad Fur Day without cheat codes, and yet we still consider them experts of this craft

Headline for an article that came to me in a dream: "The Battle for Obama was Fought in the World's Largest Crossword Puzzle"

Me when I finally discover the golden city of El Dorado

My dream car is exactly this but with my face on it instead

My life's mission is to rid the world of all bacteria

Is the world of fashion ready for "cantankerous coot" chic?

You can make the world a better place, but first you gotta become famous through some disgusting marketing stunt

Soup of the Year 2025 had been decided. It was Lobster Bisque

Well here we are, the last year of human civilization. Better make it a good one, folks

Mr. Gravy wishes you all a wonderous Christmas full of merriment and good vibes!

My verdict for 2025:

If anyone wants to visit me I live in the large tower that looks like a Pez dispenser of myself

Without hurting his feelings, how do I tell my uncle that the "Astro-Magic Academy" was a scam and that he's not a certified space wizard?

In an act of hubris I achieved apex fusion cuisine by combining every food culture in the world into a single dish. My friends all agreed it tasted like shit

What Big Momma's House movies taught us in 2025:

The Turtles really covered the entire spectrum of what white guys could look like in the 1960s

So I was thinking "Why do t-shirts only ever have two arm holes? Why not four?" That's when I got an amazing idea! Introducing my brilliant new invention that's about to disrupt the entire fashion industry: The モ-shirt!

I just had a great idea for a podcast

My dad used to host cock fights in the basement without a licence. We called the cops on him, and they shot and killed him on sight. When the roosters started pecking at his corpse one cop said "Looks like this time the chicken's having you for dinner!" and we all laughed

The best way to motivate employees is to scream "WORK WORK WORK!" over the intercom the whole day

Youtube vid titled "THE IMPOSSIBLE MURDER MYSTERY THAT TOOK 35 YEARS TO SOLVE!": "Joey the Psycho Killer was quickly ruled out as a suspect bc he said he didn't do it" (48 minutes later) "Then some reddit sleuths made an incredible discovery! Remember Joey the Psycho Killer? Well..."

Remember True Blood? Turns out all the blood they used on that show was fake. We've been lied to

I bet if I was a presidential candidate's campaign manager, I could orchestrate some of the wildest gaffes and blunders

So apparently it can count as public masturbation if you just do it loud enough

Time to educate myself

Me, a proctologist: "You could say I'm in the uh, *wink wink* the ass business..."

My favorite podcast

I will never forget when my philosophy professor gave me a B- on my thesis "More Like Immanuel CUNT Amirite"

"Joining us tonight is Dr Osmond Forrester of Yale University, here to discuss his controversial and deplorable statements on inbreeding!" Me, sitting in Forrester's chair, not knowing where I am or how I got here: "Uh yeah, that's right!"

Shit you guys, looks like we've been spelling his name wrong the whole time