Doubles partner canceled on me because his wife is on her cycle or something so I made better plans

I just really want him end one of his bleats with “AND THATS ON POINT BLANK PERIODT , -DJT” And die. also really want him to do that obvs

Man I feel like if I was a seal or a sea lion I’d be out there in the coves and marinas just fucking

“But I don’t understand what I’ve done! Is this because the Dow is below 50,000?”

I just had the best massage I’ve had in years. Absolutely gagged and gaped.

Hear me out

I didn’t realize I nicked my **** and ***** with the clippers in like half a dozen spots but now my underpants look like a crime scene.

Lemon, it’s 9:30am

Oh jesus, I forgot I nuked my inst*gram yesterday. You know what though, kudos to high me for wanting to be more present.

Lives were changed

I skipped work today to get my life together and instead accidentally hit the vape way too hard (😵‍💫) and watch Gunsmoke all day or whatever this black and white western shit is

This diva’s got half of a squirrel in her mouth. Gentle hands and the heart of a fighter.

For real though what the heck is wrong with people who use carriage returns in texts

I tried to use my quarterly flexible benefit stipend thing to expense botox but it got declined 😒 Submitted a claim for a couple massages and a bunch of gay slut thongs and jockstraps instead, and voila 💸

Won 35 bucks and a scratcher at drag bingo.

Stretch my hole like one of your French girls.

lol remember this fucking shit

JonBenét that one Christmas:

Sunday morning and I woke up two hours before my alarm 🙃 But it’s sort of only one hour early? Or is it three hours early? I don’t know how anything works.

Senators: they’re just like us! (they get their most important news from PopCrave)

Wake up babe, a new game of footsie with thermonuclear annihilation just dropped

Imagine you’re an entertainer. You reached the uppermost echelons in your field. Now in your late fifties, the world has nothing for you but esteem. Your manger has you booked for a press thing. The car service drops you off, you get out of the green room, and you find out you’re on Las Culturistas.

Froy?

First night of Snowed In. I’ve already said half a dozen prayers to Catherine of Alexandria (patron saint of not going home at last call with a bear couple (one ugly)).

Why does everybody call Candiace Candace?

My only pickup line is “Hey, have you ever seen Wit”? It’s never worked.

Selected tonight why exactly for my quarterly “start Sleepless in Seattle, fall immediately to pieces, and then literally cry myself to sleep”?

Never met a pool jet I didn’t get closely acquainted with

lol having a banger of a day. I guess maybe in a way I should be happy that I had 40 vibrant years before finally being stood up & ghosted in public

Fun surprise bonus five inches last night. Dug myself out of the house yesterday to go to the gym only to find it closed. Thankfully I’d just lifted probably 1000lbs of snow. When god closes a door…

At the only open restaurant in town and a screaming match between the two drunk queens on either side of me at the bar has broken out. I’m sitting here stone faced eating my little chowder and little oyster crackers and doing my little crossword puzzle as invective swirls 🙃

I’ve been embarrassed and ashamed to be a US citizen for the past decade; right now I don’t even know how to describe it. Not even embarrassment anymore. More like remorse and guilt and a sort of dull sense horror.

Quote post a gif with a clue of where you’re from…

Hear me out

Butterfly is undeniably Mariah Carey’s magnum opus when you ain’t got a bitch in ya ear telling you her bangs look insane

The cat I’m cat-sitting right now pushed open the bedroom door during an appointment I had earlier and now he won’t even come near me. I’ve tried explaining that I’m actually vers, but he gives back nothing but pity and scorn.

ptown pootown

You know that feeling when you fuck up your rotator cuff and fifteen years later still can’t press more than 60 pounds so you have to resign yourself to being a fat loser forever because going to the gym is just a demoralizing waste of time

Right when I was starting to think that that massage was going to be whomp whomp, I hear “I’m just going to get up on the table now, hands on your shoulder blades and my knees between yours. This is Thai”.

I don’t like to name and shame, but if you’re ever looking to play indoor tennis in Barnstable County, MA, Willy’s Gym in Eastham is a hotbed of drama.

Love that my Blocked list is basically just 150 diaper guys and ICE

To this day one of my big fears is getting trapped in a fridge and suffocating, but I think maybe that was just a fantastical situation concocted by the Punky Brewster writers?

fuck fuck tried a new exfoliator tonight on advice from one of my worst friends and results were not as predicted

Mods took down an account I was following that was exclusively posting homoerotic AI gifs of Riker and O’Brien from Star Trek as rugby-build bears with visible back hair, PG-13 exploring each others bodies. What ever happened to FUN?

Going to get myself an official warning wearing this Xmas gift at the tennis club next week.