All that space within the moment, gimme that

With great power comes a great utility bill and possibly a service upgrade with really great power

Will we ever feel fergalicious again?

It is illegal to say “someone should really kill the president”. Remember that. Absolutely do not say “the president should be killed”. That would be illegal.

There is something deeply broken in this country when the Department of Justice is arresting journalists but letting pedophiles run free.

So like what are we waiting for? We have confirmation he raped kids…. WHEN IS SOMETHING GOING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT?!? I don’t understand

Being an educated and empathetic person in America kinda sucks right now

I’m not saying anyone should do it….. but like if someone did do it, the world would be soooo grateful. But like I’m not saying to do it

These people have to be really stupid or really evil to still support this. I really hope they’re just stupid

I think ima throw a party when he dies

I miss precedented times

I should really take off work tomorrow cause it would be my birthday if I was born on that day

I love snow blowing, I just don’t like how long it takes to make the snowman

“Are you okay with getting the little gnome one? It has lady bugs”. - a Haiku by @marshmellowfluffs.bsky.social

I’m bringing a heavy “late stage capitalism is suffocating the human spirit” energy to our work’s team building activities that I don’t think they were prepared for

“I luh dat crack“ - my wife

Meeting inspector at a site for final inspection Inspector: “where are the labels on the main service panel?” Me: “huh that’s weird. Wait what’s that behind your ear?” I reach behind the inspector’s ear and pull out all the labels like the greatest uncle/magician of all time. We failed inspection

When I was a baby a wizard cast a spell on me so that I wouldn’t want to work or care about a career

Low stakes conspiracy theory: two of the biggest players on the packers’, aka the cheeseheads, are ‘Love’ and ‘Kraft’. Come on now

“Can you microwave a lime without repercussions?”

Anyone have any show recommendations? For context I really love shows that are nostalgic and remind me of a specific time in my life.

My favorite color is oh my god bitch

-sees open sign at restaurant. cool, go inside to eat -get inside and the sign now says closed. Okay I guess; leave the restaurant -go outside and see open sign. Repeat infinitely

Non-vacation me is feeling annoyed with past vacation me

Vacation me doesn’t worry about how much things cost and how much money I’m spending. That’s for future non-vacation me to deal with

I find comfort knowing that the sun will completely engulf the earth in a mere 7.5 billion years

I drank two large margaritas and I feel incredible. Is that normal?

Yall don’t need saunas if ya got an attic

I just read the entirety of “House of Leaves” on a bottle of Dr Bronner’s

I have purchased so many extended warranties for my car, but I keep getting calls saying my warranty is expired. These must be the shortest warranties ever.

“I do all my cooking with my balls, eye balls”

The finale was good but I was a little disappointed by the lack of dong #whitelotus

Urinals be getting sleeker and sleeker

When I was vegetarian I discovered that comparison is the thief of soy

Y’all ever say “oopsie doopsie I made a pudding whoopsie”?

If someone is sending me too many emails I walk by their office and fart

If anyone knows of any 90 year old orphan millionaires that are still looking for someone to adopt them, send them my way

“My hotdog hand got really cold”

Squidward Tentacles is the biggest millennial sex symbol, and honestly it makes a lot of sense

The unfortunate part about having sex in the same room as dogs is sometimes I can’t tell who she’s speaking to. For example “go lick your butthole somewhere else”

The snow is too heavy. I shall not remove it. You can’t make me remove it. I won’t remove it. It’s out of my hands

Revenge is like gazpacho. It’ll probably stain

It’s a doggy dog world out there

Don’t take anything I say seriously; especially this statement

If you criticize me, I will cry and I will make a scene. Choose your words carefully

Fact: 80% of statistics are made up on the spot

This too shall pass, but like wtf

As soon as it starts to get light out when I wake up we set the clocks ahead and it’s back to feeling like I wake up in the middle of the night