I no longer enjoy medical dramas. At my age, shit gets real. ‘Scrubs’ is as far as I can go.

I never really celebrate losses much (karma), but I do celebrate when Kansas gets booted from the tourney. ‘Suck chalk, Jayhawks’

If karma was real, Trump wouldn’t have survived the first attempt.

Most restaurants are downsizing portions due to glp-1 use and people eating smaller portions… not McDonald’s. Now introducing the biggest fucking burger ever!

Dear Chex Mix, please add a clear window to the front of your bags. Since I am a pig, and will be using my hands, there are some selections I would rather avoid. Sincerely, ADHD

It’s 2026. Time to grow up and stop religious nonsense. All these fucking wars are pointless.

Watching the hearings is like watching a 12-year old get in trouble. The adults ask questions and the kids just move weird in their chairs and lie and argue. What a great government we elected. So proud.

I like ‘dim-witted’ as an insult. It has an air of sophistication to it.

In a strange way, I almost don’t want a Democrat Party President to have to clean up this huge fucking disaster in 2028. I want them to have to do it on their own, but that will never happen.

When I was younger, I thought Dan Quayle was the dumbest politician I would see in my lifetime. I could not have been more wrong.

I have never seen ‘Dumb and Dumber’.

So a bunch of wealthy, ugly men with small penises trafficked and raped girls and now they run the country. Do I have this right?

The funny thing about the GOP is that without money, they would be the kids stuffed into lockers in the 80’s.

So the press is more interested in doxing the most influential artist in a generation than finding people in the Epstien files. Fuck off.

The big difference I am seeing between Dems and the GOP is that one wants to leave you alone and let you have equal rights and the other wants to control you or deport you if you aren’t one of them.

For some strange reason I read Pam Bondi saying ‘I will follow the law’ in Stallone’s Judge Dredd voice.

Trump’s birthday is June 14th. I think it should be a day, where anyone who wants to walk away from MAGA can do so. No questions, no arguments, just welcome back. We can set up large red dumpsters around the city for donating your paraphernalia. You will feel lighter and somehow more American.

I am surrounded by narcissists. Our president, my (soon to be ex) wife, my boss, and one of my clients. None of them have ever heard of a compromise and I have yet to get any apologies for how many things they were wrong about. Not holding my breath. Gray rock technique…

I feel like as an elected or appointed official, if your agenda gets to court and you lose, you should just resign. Looking at you RFK Jr.

If there are any real journalists left that get close enough to ask Trump a question please do this: ‘Why did you lie about hearing from a former President on Iran?’ The press needs to start calling this fucker a liar to his face every minute of everyday.

Is AI generated porn actually porn or just super realistic animation?

Expecting people who use AI to write news articles to proofread before publishing, is expecting them to be the kind of people who don’t use AI in the first place.

Cutting HIV funding to gain mineral rights is foreign policy through blackmail. We are not a country anymore, we are a criminal enterprise.

Every time I read one of these horrible quotes from billionaires, like trying to monetize intelligence or some sexist bullshit, I start to wonder if anyone has researched if having too much money creates mental illness.

I am so fucking tired of people in the media telling me what I care about and what I don’t. In politics, I only get to vote every two years for any major decisions and the rest of the system is rigged to keep them in power and not us. I care a fucking ton, but there is no impactful way to show it.

I found a path to the timeline that correctly had Al Gore winning in 2000. In their timeline, the Middle East has no real power and the world has moved past fossil fuels. The air is so clean…

10 years from now in the NBA, teams will start thawing their starters from a deep cytogenetic freeze to be ready for the playoffs.

If you get nominated for an IBS award, it stands for International Builders Show, not what you were thinking.

In the movies, when a dictator takes over a country, they show a few big events and then a montage of really bad shit to bring us to the beginning of the story. I feel like we now live in the montage. (in Team America voice)

Breaking: New NBA lottery system now rumored to involve chocolate bars and a ‘golden ticket’.

To come before Congress, sounds like a sexual problem.

I am working on a new Architect AI app, but what it really is, is me sketching ideas really quick and sending them to you.

Shaq just auditioned for Cowboys TE, I think…

‘Inside the NBA’ is the baldest tv show in history.

The overall hair coverage on ‘Inside the NBA’ is about 4%.

Sci-Fi movies got it wrong. I expected interactive computers or AI would just respond to commands. In 2026, my kitchen timer wants to fucking snuggle and share secrets. Play the music and fuck off please.

I had a dream that Lenny Kravitz walked across the country and all the trad-wives and female MAGAs followed him like lemmings and he walked them right into the ocean.

Cricket finally got revenge.

I need to know the exact date my stuff goes from ‘cringe’ to ‘vintage’. I have given away thousands of dollars. I am willing to pay for this service.

Hey Kristi Noem, I know it’s been rough, but if you are looking to get back into the job market, please consider Indeed. You can use my code ‘Dan’ at checkout and save an additional 20%

I made a proverb in high school and never shared it, here it goes, the opposite of ‘early to rise…’ ‘Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man tired, and socially dead.’

Fetterman looks like the guy that gets kicked out of his kid’s little league game.

It’s interesting that Trump has not sued Southpark for claiming he had a small dick.

Being a psychiatrist and loving politics and watching the news must be just pure hell.

I have no idea what makes a guy have a ‘punchable’ face, but I know it when I see it.

George Carlin was a prophet.

If there was no such thing as sports to distract us, there would be rioting in the streets by now.

I bet if I could recreate a magic 8-ball with Trump’s top 24 answers, instead of 5, I could figure out a fun new drinking game for press conferences and speeches.

Stephen Miller looks like he was born in a lab and raised by evil men in white coats only to be released into society to destroy it from within. Like the tv show, The Americans, but with the Heritage foundation instead of Russia.

I hope Noem turns on the GOP like MTG and they take down the whole party in flames. Personally, I think it would be heroic.