yes good sure do that that thing you do

wearing a hat that says undecided voter to drastically increase the rate of weird shit happening around me

what does “7” mean what the fuck are they saying to me

i’m here representing flat chested women no i will not come down from the floodlight

why did i have to walk through someone’s entire house to use the bathroom at this sizable public accommodation

i’m home 4 1/2 hours a day on average these last few months do you think the cats miss me or are they just doing whatever the fuck this is all day regardless of me

not bad for just getting to where i can’t deny i’m in my mid-30s if i’m allowed to be immodest here

everything happening in this train car is disgusting i’m going to pop a xanax and start tweezing my eyebrows what’s the point in staying above this

heading home in the body odor car

i always get a year older on the day they make everyone stop being gay

pipe’s clogged

in light of popular opinion i will be doubling the length of my neck

okay i watched the thing i think cnn fucked up they should have stopped it after the 3rd rat pack era insult and handed out jello cups

my neighbor and i made this submarine to go look at sunken group chats

thought i woke up hungover but i remembered i didn’t drink it’s just been very hot and sticky for what feels like 20 days straight

feel like i’m narrowly dodging a flying saucepan whenever i log in

group chat chernobyls everyday

dust cloud blew by down the street it’s probably fine

hope i live until i’m old enough to spout complete horseshit and barrel through questioning when nothing’s riding on it. my aunt insists rice crispy treats are called “granola bars” and says “when i were growing up we called it that” lady you grew up speaking arabic

we’ve advanced 400 miles so far but supply lines are getting attenuated and the locals have raised bands of skirmishers to harry the parade’s flanks

got my hair done professionally for the first time in years and walked outside to get boiled

why is someone belting the national anthem somewhere in this neighborhood that’s very ominous

how to explain to a cat that the tar is still very hot from daytime he cannot go on the roof he’ll scald his giant feet

this was all a stunt to get me to buy more surface to surface missiles

wait is that one the bitcoin shithead or the information warfare shithead or the discord weirdo or the other discord weirdo or the balls guy or

got home and the cats are medium rare it’s hot folks

me and her sister went with her today to get the rest shaved and some lady in another chair is weeping and all 3 of us are rolling our eyes and muttering “stop that”

another sarcophagus appeared in the bluesky elder pantheon what happened what did you guys do

my aunt just barreled through chemo hair loss like she’d been through it before. nearly all of it came out in the shower while i was there this afternoon and as i was cleaning the tub she’s calling my brother to ask for pointers on how to deal with the unprotected scalp thing

recently made aware of Kick and i think we need to launch a trident at whoever’s responsible for it

months of extremely insufficient and bad sleep but i’m still spry enough to win fights over the last weird fruit in the grocery store

herman cain gave his life to teach an object lesson no one will learn

i’m taking leadership of this waiting room no one else here has been described as having an “evil shape” by a drunk guy in his late 50s at a gay bar

we now turn to our national security correspondent who speaks with her lips open and her teeth closed

i was about to say these web sites need something akin to natural disasters that pop up irregularly but with enough frequency to be recognized like locusts or something but they kind of do have that

i would like to clarify that my earlier posts complaining about the weapons lobby was not supposed to foreshadow whatever’s going on now no one consults me on this shit

americans are lonelier than ever meanwhile i’m doing fine telling strangers that lately i’ve been getting into reading about really bad submarines

i’m going to create a youtube account to post my 10 hour video on dennis prager’s biography as i extrapolate it from his internet shows alone and then abandon it forever

it’s so cool that we have a weapons lobby and it’s more powerful than most and there’s nearly no one running on pointing at it and going “look at that what the fuck is that thing”

i don’t think my governor has a dog’s brain. “make masks illegal because i saw a video of protestors taking the subway” is too arcane for dogs. it comes from living in a circlejerk where the only concerns you hear are from other people who just get driven between climate controlled spaces all day

yeah that’s an ancient Type of Guy they’ve been around since probably arpanet no we don’t know how to kill them

due to the complexity of my foreign interests it’s actually a reasonable course of action for me to give a bunch of weapons to this subway masturbator

this summer play along with a group of adventurers searching a tomb of unknown architecture where they will discover the reason why the ancients forgot the god within (boring)

since i just left for work i figured i’d let everyone know the cats won the fishing pole game

no one in this public game lobby appreciates that i’m in character as dennis prager

i really have to venture out of town to see the best in ill-conceived local tv commercials. businesses here will get cringe or weird but you need a certain kind of insularity to make a cartoon from hell for a car dealership that urges you to go insane

every waiting room has these home renovation shows and i don’t know why but they all just fill me with rage. oh is this like your vacation getaway from your busy life? an oasis of peace? should we immure you in shiplap

i’m still wired i think i should grill lunches for the next work week one after the other in the middle of the night

just passed my audition for cars 5 i’m voicing the cybertruck