On the tail end of being ill, just in time for going back to work 😤, so I put on some short shorts, greased up with scream, and went for a walk before it got entirely disgusting. A short 11km.

Unfathomable that they’re still out here running buses in 2026 without air conditioning

How many maps on the wall of my flat is too many maps on the wall of my flat?

I’m watching men’s semis (😏). Did they stop using Hawkeye at Wimbledon?

I cannot stress enough how much my entire personality is simply 10000 stims/memes stacked up in a trench coat.

As if it wasn’t bad enough you have to “please sir may I have a crumb of Sudafed” at the counter like a common junkie, but they’ve shrinkflationed it again and now it’s only 12 tabs for nearly £5

I went to the tip and I did not get yelled at 😌

My favourite thing is CS being like "if this doesnt resolve your query please reply to this email", not resolving my query, then square 1ing any response to the email.

Oh no, the twink in the local coffee place has learned me and my order 💀

If the broadband people are going to send an Openreach engineer, it really makes more sense to tell me that they're going to.

Simply why wouldn’t it be 32°C* out at 20:21 *per Garmin; 33.8°C per my thermometer

[UK Politics] If they have to spend the next 6 weeks giving equally breathless coverage to Count Binface as that other cunt, this will be exceptionally funny.

[UK Politics] They'll be billing him the half £million for the cost of the byelection, right?

Hit the annual max of Vitality points three months early so I don’t need to do any more exercise until the end of September 😌

The (beautiful) Coors (and Jim) was the audio on a TikTok today and we really did all forget how much of a banger Breathless is

[Smut writing] There is absolutely nothing less sexy in smut than the use of the word “seed” 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢

I have an internet switch on Wednesday that I ordered on the 27th June and they still havent dispatched the new router. What are you people waiting for!?

The disappointment of dry brioche; A smalltown2k Story

Is he hot, or is he just an Irishman in short shorts?

The French autoroute passcard thing is called 'Bip&Go' which is my new favourite name for contactless

I hate how drugs are all “do not store over 25°C!!!” and bitch* my flat hasn’t been under 26 for like 8 weeks now. You get what you’re given. *[gender neutral]

I’m going to go and see what off brand drugs Lidl has, seeing as they have the courtesy of opening at 10 in what is otherwise an 11-5 town

Obviously the moment I have any annual leave I’ve gotten sick.

Also I’m wearing shorts to work for the first time today. I’ve rolled them down as much as I’m willing to do, so we’ll find out if the straights are being homophobic soon enough

Some cunt coughing their lungs up behind me on my delayed (obviously) train all the way into town. If I’m ill next week when I’m off work, imma be so pissed.

Went to buy anti-gnat stuff at the garden centre this morning but accidentally picked up anti-slug stuff bc the packaging is identical. Obviously I didn't get a receipt so can't return it 😤

Can't stress enough how opposed I am to having to pay for postage any time I order anything.

Luv 2 have been irrecoverably up since 4

Draper’s van, MMT, plus 3.

Every fridge and freezer off in Lidl. End of days.

Walked back in, flat has broken 30° in my absence. Gross.

Casual 26°C at 0742. Perfectly cromulent. This is fine dot gif

I hate how the whole concept of information being in the internet has just simply collapsed in the last 2y that now you cannot find out any information without it being either prewritten AI slop, or just making your own AI slop fresh.

Pay letters went out. +3.5%. At least it's over inflation this year, assuming CPIH doesn't spike in the June numbers.

Unlocked the rainbow badge in Forza. 🌈 Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

RE: https://timetheft.social/@tinybird/116793778709110728 happy pride

The last meaningful 1976 record (35°C in June) going tomorrow or if not then certainly Wednesday. Hopefully that will finally shut those people up who are all “it’s just summer, we had 1976, woke etc” 😒 A group famously receptive to common sense.

I remember years ago watching a PM resigning or calling an election or whatever and being like, I should watch this, it’s history in the making. Like now though, common or garden Monday.

I have a book I got a couple of weeks ago called 'C'est la Vie' and I am being tormented by B*Witched for the last 3 weeks every time I see it around the flat

TfL double billed me on Tuesday, spent half the week retrying the second billing bc my bank kept declining it, then blocked my card and billed me again (which went through) as delinquent. Watch now as I descend into madness trying to get my money back out of TfL where I will somehow surely be […]

I remember roofing in 2003 when it hit over 38° and that was, by a margin, an extreme record. Now it’s just Wednesday.

Thermometer in the sun on my balcony reading 53.3°C lol

Just watched a Met Office forecast, talk of 38 deg weather this week. I die.

It’s only causation if it comes from the Causaçion region, otherwise it’s just sparkling correlation

Already hot enough that the chocolat in my pain au chocolat has melted. I didn’t know pain au chocolat chocolat *could* actually melt.

Took advantage of it not being hotter than Venus to go for a lil' walk. #urbanhiking #GrandUnionCanal

I remember Sandra Bullock ordering pizza from her computer on The Net and it was so very omg futuristic wow. And here’s me ordering pizza on my phone on the train to try and line it up so I can get it ready on the walk home. Omg. The future. Wow.

Got big submission out today and out of work at 1830. I’ve. Earned. Pizza. 🍕🍕🍕

How slutty shorts is too slutty shorts for the office do we think? [serious]

The web interface of mastodon has moved the tooting hole from the right to the left, the icon bar from the left to the right and I don't like change.