My aromatherapist told me my core scent was a base note of 'Axe Body Spray' with a high note of 'sweaty adolescent' :(

Whoomp (There it Is) Whoomp (There it Was) Whoomp (There it Will Be) #WhoompConjugation

I thought people would enjoy uplifting interviews with men who have successfully assembled IKEA storage units. Unfortunately, i've discovered that three of my early guests are extensively referenced in the Epstein Files. For this reason, I have suspended production on my podcast, Shelf Esteem.

DON'T TELL ME WHERE TO PUT MY HAM

"I went to the bar to order a beer and the bartender said 'sorry little man, but beer is for big boys. The only drink I'll serve kiddos like you are fruity soft drinks.'" "Wow. Sounds like you really got in-FANTA-lized."

Last night at the karaoke bar, I was singing Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" but I changed the lyrics to "I Feel Judged". Subsequently, as I was being forcefully removed from the karaoke bar, I must admit: I really did feel judged. :(

THE POPE IS NEITHER FRESH NOR FUNKY FLY

"flying by the seat of my ass"

One time, I ate so much pepperoni I ended up with a rare kind of blood poisoning. When I went to the ER, the doctor said "Hey, my dude—looks like you enjoy a *well peppered roni*!" Then he said there was a 45% chance I was going to die. In retrospect, I'm not sure that was a very good doctor :(

Doomsday Schleppers.

What does it mean to "flip it and reverse it" and is this something that's appropriate for them to do to me at the chiropractor?

I think I may have strained a pectoral muscle. In related news, I may actually have pectoral muscles?

I think my generation has a lot of anxiety because, growing up, we were constantly told that we were personally responsible for preventing forest fires. That's an enormous amount of responsibility to put on an adolescent.

I'm high on life! :) And meth. :(

Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing pants. Sometimes I feel like pants are wearing me. :(

"Total Eclipse of Paul Blart."

THERES NO RULE THAT SAYS I CAN'T LISTEN TO THE MONSTER MASH WHEN ITS NOT HALLOWEEN! SOME OF US MASH IT OUT ALL YEAR LONG #MASHLIFE

"No Nutella November"

CORRECTION: The film 'Hamnet' is a dramatization of William Shakespeare's family life. It is not, as I previously stated 'a cyber-thriller about a group of hackers who attempt to infiltrate a meat packing facility'.

The Youtube algo just fed me two ads for different brands of bougie toilet paper :(

"I got me a CHRYSLER! It's as BIG as a WHALE—but it still gets great fuel economy thanks to a best-of-class Pentastar V6 engine. Hi, I'm Fred Schneider, encouraging you to check out Chrysler's award winning line of American made minivans..."

I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF BETTER WEBINARS THAN THIS

Compared to regular dogs, do the dogs with that plastic cone around their heads get better reception?

"So I told this guy that if he never ran track in high school, he hadn't *earned* the right to wear a velvety tracksuit in public." "Wow. Sounds like a case of Stolen Velour."

The Muppet Show revival was absolutely delightful. Sabrina Carpenter was game for total ridiculous versions of Manchild and a cover of Islands in the Stream. There was a Rat version of Blinded By the Light. So much fun.

After receiving critical acclaim, director Josh Safdie announced that he intends to direct a sequel to his film 'Marty Supreme'. Timothée Chalamet will return in a minor role, as the new film will focus less on the character Marty, instead telling the story of Marty's brother, 'Crunchwrap'.

Is it possible that everybody wanted to hang out with Epstein because he happened to be a sparkling conversationalist?

Sometimes I worry I don't have enough problematic tattoos :(

When Tom Brady is calling a playoff game. (I do not speak Spanish.)

Easy. "SAVE ROOM FOR DESNUTZ."

I suppose you could say that the Holy Grail is the Holy Grail of holy grails.

♫ ♫ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Jeff-rey Ep-stein! ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

my neck my back my scrotum's been attacked :(

My (heavily redacted) prediction of how this season of Pluribus is going to end.

Grandma Got Run Over By Some Douchebag in a Cybertruck.

The algorithm just served me an ad for a product called "Better Than Gravy" and I just don't know any more :(

FFS Spotify :(

At first, I thought this 'gravy enema' was a terrible idea. But now that I've tried it, I can say with some degree of confidence that it was, in every imaginable way, a terrible idea. :(

"Finnegans Wake? More like Finnegans WOKE lol, amirite!?" —thing I said moments before being violently ejected from an Irish pub :(

“McRibbed… for *her* pleasure.”

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And they're like, 'Now I've got diarrhea!' Damn right, you've got diarrhea!" Kelis, Milkshake (Lactose Intolerance Remix)

A bargain at twice the price.

I'm trying to remember the name of a movie from the early 80s. As I recall, the film starred Richard Gere and Barbra Streisand. I thought I knew the movie's title, but nothing comes up on Google when I search for "An Officer and a Yentl Man".

I really thought people would enjoy a culinary experience that combines classic Chinese pasta with hearty German cuisine. However, Rabbi Schulman threatened to have me murdered by a 'squad of mohel assassins' if I didn't immediately shut down my food truck "Lo Mein Kampf" :(

When archeologists are looking for romance, do they post their profile on carbon dating apps?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person at this ayahuasca retreat who really *gets* it :(

"Abandon all MOOOOO, ye who enter here." —Dante Alighieri, The Bovine Comedy

If somebody has a job interview at a company that sells goth themed apparel, should they ‘dress to depress’?

Many people believe the Never Ending Pasta Bowl was invented by the Olive Garden. However, the first limitless pasta jug was actually invented by a 17th century spiritualist named Paston Smithley. Upon announcing his invention to the public, he was quickly accused of witchcraft and executed.

I'm not angry that Etsy sells a shirt that says 'registered flex offender'. I'm angry that Etsy sells *dozens* of shirts that say 'registered flex offender' :(