“Human, I don’t have as much FUN as I used to! I’d CHASE the red dot, CATCH the string…” “Kiki, you’re getting OLD! I wave the string—but you just LOOK at it!” “NOT TRUE! I’m gonna chase the red dot right NOW…or when I have the ENERGY!” “Don’t fool yourself, Kiki, or you may NEVER see the light!”

“Human, you ate hardly any DINNER!” “Wasn’t too HUNGRY, Kiki!” “And you’re just STARING at nothing!” “It’s NOT nothing! I’m staring at the WALL!” “And you’re NAPPING a lot…Hmm, I think you’re becoming more like ME, human!” “It might seem that way to YOU, Kiki! But to me, I think I got the FLU!”

“Wake up, Kiki! I have to make the BED!” “No, human! You’ll just UNMAKE it later.” “It looks NICER after it’s made.” “Will it be WARMER? Will I NAP better? Will anyone NOTICE?” “Guess it’s more of a HABIT than a necessity, Kiki.” “Keep YOUR habits, human, but don’t let ‘em interfere with MINE!”

“Kiki, I bring you many FRIENDS, but you IGNORE them!” “I don’t NEED friends, human! They take attention away from ME!” “You shouldn’t be FRIENDLESS!” “I got a servant who ACTS like my friend!” “But I AM your friend, Kiki! I’ll ALWAYS be by your side!” “Just what I WANT from a servant, human!”

“Kiki’s Journal #21: My human offers me a VARIETY of wet food flavors. And she thinks I want what SHE eats, too! But her foods might upset my stomach or make me VERY sick. She gives me a few bits of real TUNA once a week—but I prefer kibble, wet food and treats! So, only kitty food for THIS kitty!”

“Kiki, PLEASE don’t use the litter boxes yet!” “Why NOT, human?” “I haven’t SCOOPED up your mess from yesterday! I’ll do that NOW.” “I can’t WAIT!” “Then OK, Kiki!…You should go use your boxes NOW!” “Oh, I can wait for THAT! I just can’t wait to see you CLEAN OUT my boxes! So THRILLING, human!”

Kiki here. This version sounds OK, but where are the meows?

“What are you DREAMING about, Kiki? Is it all about ME? Feeding you, petting you, scritching you?” “…Agent Kiki, here’s your new undercover ASSIGNMENT. The target: Human! Objective: INFILTRATE her home and PRETEND you‘re having fun…” “Want LUNCH, Kiki?” “FEED me, human! I’m a kitty on a MISSION!”

🎵“Mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, me-OW, me-OW…”🎶 “Kiki, what are you DOING? Trying to SLEEP!” “Singing a LULLABY, human. It’s ‘The Blue Danube.’ You LIKE?” “Not YOUR version! Stop now, or I‘ll make you LEAVE!” “OK, human! You WIN!” “Good NIGHT, Kiki!” 🎵“Mew, mew…🎶 Now I can’t get it out of my HEAD!”

“Human, I hear you snap open a can of WET FOOD for me?” “No, Kiki. It’s PEARS—for me!” (later) “The bag I hear crackling…Is it TREATS for me?” “No, it’s CORN CHIPS—for me!” (later) “You ain’t fooling me AGAIN by snapping that can lid, human!” “No fooling THIS time, Kiki. It’s WET FOOD—for you!”

“Kiki’s Journal #20: I MEOW when I want something right NOW—like food or a cuddle. The human may sense it before I speak (my being a telepath helps); weeks may pass without ONE meow! But I’ll do it if she puts me in my CARRIER. And I’ll meow QUITE A BIT when I feel bad and need immediate attention!”

“Kiki, you SPILLED paper clips! They’re scattered ALL OVER!” “SIGN it, human!” “What? ‘Kiki isn’t liable for anything!’ I’ll sign, but it won’t hold up in COURT!” “Sign THIS!“ “‘In a dispute, you’ll enter ARBITRATION.’ You can’t DO this, Kiki!” “I CAN, human!…And I’m the arbitrator, so I WIN!”

“Human, you know what I do to look PRETTY?” “Uh, no, Kiki.” “LOTS of things—yet I DO ‘em! But eating PREMIUM wet food interferes with my regimen! And your AWESOME scritches delay me more!” “Kiki, don’t HUMBLEBRAG! Either be HUMBLE…or BRAG!” “It’s hard being humble like ME, human! I’m so PRETTY!”

“Kiki, NAIL TRIM this month with the mobile groomer!” “No GROOMER, boomer!” “It’s for your own GOOD!” “You don’t appreciate my loving CLAWS, especially when I can’t get them out your skin!” “You shouldn’t SCRATCH me, Kiki!” “It’s to let you know not to BOTHER me, human. It’s for YOUR own good!”

“Human, whoever put a box on the table is a GENIUS!” “I did, Kiki!” “No, it’s MY grand design!” “OK…?” “There ain’t ROOM on the floor with my other boxes, scratchers, trees…” “So, the only space LEFT?” “Yep! Add ‘nip and it’ll function…THEORETICALLY, human!” “Einstein would be JEALOUS, Kiki!”

“Kiki’s Journal #19: I’m descended from BIG kitties…So, I prowl and HUNT! I often find an OBJECT (a rubber band or a pencil) my human dropped. I know it’s NOT food, and I DON’T eat it. She usually sees me with it—and takes it AWAY! But I’ll keep on searching…since a HUNTING kitty is a HAPPY kitty!”

“Kiki, I need to read by the LAMP. But I’m ASKING—NOT telling—you to move. YOU decide!” “I decide…to STAY, human!” “If you DECIDE that, I‘ll decide NOT to scritch you again!” “Cool!” “Or PLAY with you…You’ll always be SAD!” “Not ME, human!” “I decide to sit NEXT to you, Kiki! Want SCRITCHES?”

“Why raise your HAND, human?” “It’s a HIGH FIVE, Kiki. Tap it with your PAW, and you’ll get a TREAT!” “No way! Show me the treat FIRST! Put it in FRONT of me!” “OK…And you just ATE it. High five me NOW, Kiki!” “YOU can’t teach ME your trick, human! But I taught you MINE—it’s to give me a TREAT!”

“Kiki, I bought a can of wet food…new brand AND flavor!” “Lemme TRY, human!” “If I OPEN it, you may not eat it; I’ll lose money! If I DON’T open it, I haven’t lost!” “Bet on me to LIKE it!” “It’s OPEN!…Make me a WINNER!” (sniffs) “Nope! YOU lose, human!” “Betting on you is for SUCKERS, Kiki!”

“Human, I sense many KITTIES nearby!” “The building’s KITTY PARTY, Kiki!” “I wasn’t INVITED?” “After what you did LAST month? You HISSED at the Maine Coon and SWATTED the calico’s head!” “I’m an OUTCAST, human! Lonesome ME!” “We’ll have YOUR party here, Kiki—not a KITTY party but a PITY party!”

“Kiki’s Journal #18: I try to get my human’s ATTENTION…for food or cuddles—or to tell her how I‘m FEELING! I sit in her line of sight ’til she LOOKS at me—or in the dining room (for food) or by her chair (for scritches). I also like to make her GUESS what I want, and I can get even MORE attention!”

“Ow, Kiki! You really went ballistic on my ARM! It’s all scratched up!” “It was MOVING, human!…Didn’t you just buy a new TOY and now waved it back and forth?” “My arm’s ATTACHED to me, and I’m VERY attached to it!” “It moved AGAIN! Such FUN! Gonna CATCH it, human!” “Kiki, no! Don’t toy with ME!”

“Lunch, Kiki! Chicken pâté or tuna shreds? Pick!” “I don’t KNOW, human!” “What are you in the MOOD for?“ “WHATEVER I get, I’ll either eat it or not!“ “TUNA…No, you had it for breakfast! CHICKEN…No, you didn’t eat it LAST time!” “Hurry!” “OK, I gave you TUNA, Kiki!” “I wanted CHICKEN, human!”

“For Kiki’s sake! I can’t WRITE; you’re on my tablet!” ”Human, why do you use my name when CUSSING?” “I’m expressing FRUSTRATION! What do YOU say…when I don’t scoop the litter?” “‘Clean my SANDBOX, you…’” ”’You‘…WHAT?” “‘Nerdy kitty-loving HUMAN!’” “Ow, Kiki! You really hit me where it HURTS!”

“Will you ever let me HOLD you, Kiki?” “You want hands, arms AND face intact, human?…Why ask NOW?” “I remember when I ADOPTED you. They put you in my ARMS; you jumped out! I haven’t held you SINCE!” “It ain’t PLEASANT! But—I promise—one day you CAN hold me, human!” “I’ll HOLD you to that, Kiki!”

“Kiki’s Journal #17: My human loves CUDDLING me, whether I want it or not. She SCRITCHES my head and neck and PETS my back. I’ll take it for a bit, since she MASSAGES areas I can’t reach. It gets to be TOO MUCH of a good thing, and she backs off before I attack! But it was SO NICE while it lasted!”

“Kiki, bad time to be in the BATHROOM! I’m gonna SIT DOWN a while!” “Can I sit on your lap, human? You can CUDDLE me!” “Not NOW!” “I’ll watch!” “Would YOU like it if I sat and watched YOU in the litterbox?” “No, human—that would invade my PRIVACY!” “Bingo! Now go, Kiki! I’ll close the DOOR!”

“Kiki, you’re HYPER!…Did you have CATNIP?” “I don’t ‘NIP before noon, human! I’m just a kitty of 1,000 PERSONALITIES!” “Lemme FEED you, and I can get out of your way!” (eating) “Yummy! I‘m feeling as good as NEW!” “So you’re the ORIGINAL Kiki?” “Yes, human…The one with the WINNING personality!”

“Kiki, ONE of us lives off the kindliness of the OTHER!” ”Here we GO!…OK, human! What are my BENEFITS again?” “Health, love, happiness, companionship…Need I go on?” “You made your POINT! I take ADVANTAGE of you!” “No, Kiki, you give ME all that! I thank you!” “Thank me with some TREATS, human!”

“Kiki’s Journal #16: My human often wants to know what I’m THINKING of. Most of the time, I don’t think at all! When I DO, it’s about eating, grooming, napping, being cuddled, watching birds, etc. This leads to WANTING and DOING! I don’t think about the past, unless I need to remember what to FEAR!”

“Kiki, here’s your wet food!“ “I didn’t ASK for that, human! Didn’t even send you a telepathic TEXT!” “You don’t WANT it?” “I didn’t SAY that.” “Maybe…I SENSED that you wanted it before YOU did, Kiki!” “Human, the only thing YOU sense is me getting cranky that you wanna CHAT and I wanna EAT!”

“Human, don’t touch my TAIL!” “Sorry, Kiki!” “And don’t touch my BELLY!” “I won’t!” “And don’t touch my PAWS!” “OK!” “And don’t touch my NECK!” “Really?” “Right now, I declare a ZERO-TOUCH policy. No touching me ANYWHERE!” “I’ll do what you WANT, Kiki!” “You WILL, human? Aw, I’m TOUCHED!”

“You think I‘m a PRETTY kitty, human?” ”You’re more than just a pretty FACE, Kiki!” “How ELSE am I pretty?” “OK…Pretty VAIN, pretty MISCHIEVOUS, pretty LAZY, pretty SILLY, pretty STUBBORN—“ ”GOT it! Well, I think YOU’RE pretty, too!” “Pretty COOL?” “Pretty LAME, human!” “Pretty FUNNY, Kiki!”

“Kiki’s Journal #15: I like playing with TOYS—moving red dot, self-rolling ball, dancing shoestring, etc. But I like my human’s things even MORE. She uses them, so I wanna PLAY with them—figurines on the shelf, pens on the desk, tabs on her shoes, etc. So maybe I can SHOW her that I like them, too!”

“Kiki, a friend’s coming for Thanksgiving—although we don’t share the same VIEWS. Wanna MEET her?” “She got a KITTY, human?” “A dachshund!” “NO! She’ll smell like a PUPPY!” “She’s NICE, Kiki! She even said she won’t talk POLITICS!” “Ask her to ALSO not talk puppies, human…and I’ll RECONSIDER!”

(Kiki to herself) “How to Murder Your Human! Chapter 1: MOTIVE. Choose a reason: They rub your fur the wrong way, stare at you and don’t blink, take you to the vet, use a flea comb, etc. Chapter 2: METHOD…” “Kiki, you NEVER purr on my lap! Why are you DOING it?” “To kill you, human—with KINDNESS!”

”Had a premonition you won’t SEE me after today, human!” “HOW, Kiki?” “My wet food may have ARSENIC!” “No! It’s totally SAFE!” “Or I’ll sink in the litter like QUICKSAND!” “No! It’s not DEEP!” “Or I’ll scratch your EYES out, human!” “No, Kiki! I wear safety goggles…so I’ll SEE you all day!”

“Kiki’s Journal #14: I love to sleep, since I might DREAM! I dream of things I SAW or DID today—but they didn’t make sense when I was awake: staring at food, being petted or seeing birds fly. As I dream, my paws and whiskers TWITCH; my mouth CHATTERS! Because my life’s a DREAM, my dreams are SWEET!”

“Kiki, come out of HIDING! Work crew‘s GONE!” “I still SMELL them, human!” “I’ll turn on the FAN to diffuse the scent!” “I’m never leaving here AGAIN! Bring my kibble, treats, wet food and sandbox to the CLOSET!” “Kiki, I’ll bring you TREATS—but you gotta face me and the rest of the house soon!”

“Kiki, I’m closing the DOOR while I nap! NO interruptions, OK?” (closes door) “Won’t hear a meow out of ME, human!” (minutes later) “Human, got no FOOD! I’m HUNGRY! Where…is…my…FOOD?” (opens door) “Why didn’t you SAY so?…Wait—you HAVE food, Kiki!” (runs in) “And now I ALSO have the bed, human!”

“Kiki, can’t you call me by my GIVEN name, not ‘Human’?” “It’s my name for YOU, human—like you got a name for ME!…You COULD call me what my kitty mom called me!” “Which was…?” “‘Greedy-Eater-Doesn’t-Play Fair-Uses-Sharp-Teeth-and-Claws.’” “I’LL stick with ‘Kiki.’” “And I’LL stick with ‘Human.’”

“MEETING of Kiki’s Fan Club will come to order! Call ROLL, human!” “ME, Kiki!” “OLD business? NEW business? ANY business?” “The usual FUNNY business! UNROLLING toilet paper, RIPPING my Labubu doll, SPILLING—“ “ADJOURNED, human!” “I’m your biggest FAN, Kiki—but not a fan of the MESS you make!”

“Kiki’s Journal #13: My hobby is STARING—sometimes at things, sometimes at NOTHING! I stare at walls, the floor, space around me, things that move, things that don’t. Staring helps me focus on what I WANT: food, safety, warmth, attention. When I stare at my human, I expect I’ll RECEIVE what I want!”

“Kiki, are you OK?” “Human, I ate LOTS of that new ‘nip! The room‘s SPINNING all around!” “Lemme call the VET!” “Wait!” (pukes) “I feel better NOW!” “Gotta clean your MESS!…Hope you LEARNED from this, Kiki!” “Yeah, human! While I was DIZZY, I thought, ‘The world really DOES revolve around me!’”

”Where’s Bunny, human? We fought; I wanna APOLOGIZE.” “Right here, Kiki. Bunny was under the TABLE…You apologize to a TOY but not for hurting ME?” “I LOVE Bunny! Me and you…it’s COMPLICATED.” “‘Cause you don’t want to show AFFECTION, Kiki?” “No, human. ’Cause I can’t drag YOU under the table!”

“Human, a little PRIVACY! Taking a BATH.” “You‘d rather I not LOOK at you, Kiki?” “No, that you not be in the same ROOM as me—or in the HOUSE!” “Kiki, you wash all HOURS of the day! HOW can I leave the house?” “Just OPEN the front door and walk THROUGH it! Now, shoo…I’m licking a delicate spot!”

“Be back SOON, Kiki!” “Boo-hoo! Human’s LEAVING! How will I ever SURVIVE?” “You’re being overly DRAMATIC…I’ve left MANY times!” “Waah! Why you have to go NOW?” “Places to GO, people to SEE, things to DO!” “Poor poor ME! Sob!” “I COULD go later, Kiki…” “Like I care! Just GO, human…you SOFTIE!”

“Kiki’s Journal #12: A box is a HOME I don’t have to share with my human, as long as I can HIDE or NAP inside. But that ain’t ALL: No matter the box’s size, its SURFACE sharpens claws, its sharp EDGE grinds teeth, its ROOF is a soapbox to air grievances on, and its SHAPE is a fun toy to bat around!”

“Stop PICKING my tail, human!” “Don’t FLICK it over your dish, Kiki. You got shreds STUCK to it!…And I keep finding lots of shreds in the BED! It’s hard to clean.” “You’ll deprive me of my after-dinner SNACK!” “Almost BIT me, Kiki! I picked them all OFF!” ”But you picked a fight with ME, human!”

“NAP time, human!” “Yeah, yeah, Kiki. TELL me about it.” “Kiki GOES to the bed, looks UP and leaps! AWESOME!…She’s found a spot—and it’s GOOD!…She spins in a circle and settles into her NAPPING position! That’s…a…KITTY!” “Kiki, I didn’t need a PLAY-BY-PLAY…Shouldn’t’ve said, ‘Tell me about it!’”