“Kiki, RED DOT ALERT!” “I SEE it, human! I’m gonna CATCH it!” “Good luck!” “I already TRAPPED it under my paw…No, wait! It’s gone!” “It went over THERE!” “Human, there’s some TRICK to this! I can chase it but can’t CATCH it!” “Kiki, it’s like ANYTHING you want so bad! There’s ALWAYS a catch!”

“I hope you’re not HIDING, Kiki!” “Yep, human! From YOU…I mean, your camera! I ain’t INTERESTED today!” “You want to deprive the whole WORLD of new Kiki poses?” “No, human! I want YOU to get a new hobby…not taking my pictures EVERY DAY!” “I think I get the PICTURE, Kiki. Let’s call it a wrap!”

“Human, I can’t have SECONDS anymore?” “Eat all the KIBBLE you want, Kiki!” “But I want more WET food!” “You’re too HEAVY. The vet said to consider wet food as a TREAT…not your main diet!” “Can‘t you RECONSIDER, human?” “Kiki, I consider your HEALTH more important than your taste for wet food!”

“Human, I don’t see birdies FLYING!” “Kiki, it’s going to SNOW soon!” “But why?” “A low-pressure system is bringing in cold temperatures and moisture from the north!” “I don’t want a WEATHER report!” “Birds are staying close to the GROUND, Kiki!” “THAT’s what I wanted, human…a FEATHER report!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #6: I want PERMANENCE, but you like CHANGE! Like I leave my wet food dish alone—but when I return to where it was, it’s GONE! Then you make it appear! Or you OPEN the window so I can look at birdies. Then, I leave. When I return, it’s closed! Is it any wonder I’m so CONFUSED?”

“Human, where’s my BOX?” “Kiki, I threw it OUT, honestly.” “I hid your EARRINGS under the couch! Honest!” “And in all honesty, I add WATER to your wet food!” “I pawed a dish off the table! I BROKE it, human! I honestly DID!” “Kiki, whatever you do, you’re still an honest-to-goodness DELIGHT!”

“Kiki, I need to dry my HANDS! Would you let me have a TOWEL?” “I would, human…but I WON’T!” “Then I have no choice! I’ll just PET you until I’m dry—and you’ll get wet and soapy!” “You wouldn’t dare!” “I WOULD, Kiki! Or…would you please let me have a towel?” “I would, human…and I guess I WILL!”

“You ain’t gonna BRUSH me, human!” “You’re such a supercilious CAT, Kiki!” “YOU’RE super silly!” “The word means ‘arrogant’ or ‘haughty.’” “I’m NAUGHTY sometimes!” “Kiki, I used lots of big words—until I met YOU! My I.Q. must’ve DROPPED!” “I picked it up…I’m using it now, you IMPERIOUS human!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #5: I know when you’re LYING if I ask you for treats, wet food, etc.—and you refuse! Why? Because you’re such a terrible LIAR! You have ‘TELLS’: You shrug, shake your head, sigh, look away, put your hands on your hips…or wag a FINGER at me! It’s a sure sign that you’ll CAVE!”

“Human, what’s in my KIBBLE bowl?” “Oh, a PEANUT! It must’ve DROPPED at lunch!” “I don’t EAT peanuts!” “It wouldn’t HURT you! But I’ll be more CAREFUL next time!” “You said that LAST time, after you dropped a BLUEBERRY!” “Right, Kiki!” “Human, you watch WHAT you eat! Now, watch WHERE you eat!”

“Kiki, I filed my TAXES! Took me 3 days!” “Human, let ME help you next year!” “What can YOU do?” “SHRED all your important papers…NAP on your ‘puter so you can’t use it!” “How will THAT help me?” “You won’t NEED to work on your taxes, human!” “Kiki, I’ll FILE that suggestion where it belongs!”

“Kiki, I wanted to tell you something IMPORTANT…but you turned your BACK on me!” “What does THAT tell you, human? It says I don’t CARE!” “But I wanted to tell you to your FACE!” “I can HEAR you! Go on, I’m listening!” “Kiki, you have the PRETTIEST face!” “My BACK’s pretty too, ain’t it, human?”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #4: Your BIGGEST problem? You don’t know when to leave me ALONE! If I’m napping…grooming…eating…playing…exploring—or minding my own business—stay AWAY! The only time I DON’T want to be alone is when I come to YOU! Or else: Offer your HAND and wait until I reply with my face!”

“Human, my BOX is full!” “Kiki, I scooped an HOUR ago!” (3 hours later) “BOX is full!” “No, it’s NOT!” (2 hours later) “BOX is full!” “Seems we have different DEFINITIONS of ‘full.’” “It’s full after I USE it, human!” “Kiki, if you think I’M cleaning your box 4 times a day…YOU’RE full of it!”

“Human’s liking KITTIES on her phone—ignoring ME!” “I’ll play a game to include YOU, Kiki. I click, then SCRITCH you!” “How OFTEN?” “20 clicks a minute…for an hour!” “I got a BETTER game! You click, then I BITE you!” “Not playing THAT game, Kiki!” “So put the phone down and SCRITCH me, human!”

“Kiki, can I STEAL a minute? I need your opinion!” “I was doing my daily STARING, human!” “Which do you prefer: the SALMON or the CHICKEN?” (sniffs) “Both! Neither! Don’t CARE!” “Just what I THOUGHT!” “Now, I want it back!” “What, Kiki?” “That minute of quality STARING time you stole, human!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #3: You’re so NEEDY! You always need to be NEAR me! You need to watch me…pet me…scritch me all the time! And I’ve had ENOUGH! You gotta start treating me like I’m my OWN kitty—not YOUR kitty! Do I treat YOU like you’re MY human? Well, I guess I do…but that’s because you ARE!”

“I know THAT look, Kiki. You’re JUDGING me!” “Yep, human! You fall SHORT in meeting my needs!” “Really…so TELL me about it!” “I don’t get the BEST food, treats, ‘nip, scritches…So, in conclusion, are you ready for my JUDGMENT?” “Kiki, the jury’s still out on whether I should even LISTEN to you!”

“Human, breakfast is LATE!…You’re FIRED!” “Kiki, you didn’t HIRE me!” “I’m hiring THEN I’m firing you!” “You remember this same chat YESTERDAY—when I rubbed your belly?” “Right.” “And 2 DAYS ago, Kiki—when I forgot to buy catnip?” “I must be doing SOMETHING wrong, human!…You’re still HERE!”

“Kiki, COMFORTABLE lying on my side?” “VERY, human!” “FYI, my ARM aches…and my LEG is going numb!” “Want me to MOVE?” “Really? You WILL?” “Not even THINKING about it…Ooh, a MASSAGE!” “That’s just me, hoping to get my BLOOD flowing again! But don’t mind me, Kiki.” “No WORRIES, human. I won’t!”

“Human, I meowed! You didn’t ANSWER!” “My HEARING aids weren’t in, Kiki!” “Then I tried telepathy…but no ANSWER!” “I was very BUSY! What did you want?” “Nothing…What was so important that you couldn’t ANSWER?” “I was thinking about why you’re so PRETTY, Kiki!” “Nobody can answer THAT, human!”

“Human, the TV’s on…a REALITY show.” “It’s the NEWS, Kiki. I DON’T want to watch!” “Don’t wanna LIVE in reality?” “We CHOOSE the reality we want.” “Which do YOU want?” “One where I’m SCRITCHING you…And you?” “One where I BITE you for scritching me too much, human!” “I can LIVE with it, Kiki!”

“Kiki, I ENVY you…sleeping all day without a care!” “Human, I’m only doing what YOU do!” “Huh?” “You’re CALM…I’m calm. You NAP a lot…so I do. You have a ROUTINE…and I can have mine! You have few WORRIES…so I have few!” “OK. Does that make you a MINI-HUMAN, Kiki?” “No, it makes you a MEGA-KIKI!”

“Kiki, my other cats had a luxury that YOU don’t!” “What did THEY get, human?” “They could SQUEEZE under the bed. But I REMOVED the frame before I met you.” “Why you do THAT?” “Kiki, I couldn’t REACH under the bed! So VET visits got delayed!” “Put the frame back, human! I wanna hide in LUXURY!”

“What you WRITING, human?” “A book…called ‘Serving Kiki.’” “Hope it ain’t a COOKBOOK!” “It’s a MEMOIR of my years caring for you, loving you—“ “Sounds pretty and fluffy, like ME!” “AND the times you bit, scratched, swatted or tripped me, Kiki!” “Human, whenever I do that, it serves you RIGHT!”

“Kiki?…Kiki?…You must be SLEEPING. Guess you can’t have any WILD-CAUGHT tuna! So delicious!” “Human, what’s this TUNA I hear?” “Hi! You didn’t get here FAST enough…It’s gone!” (staring at her) “You’re…FOOLING me, human! You ALWAYS save some for me!” “You CAUGHT me, Kiki. Here it is…Now go WILD!”

“Kiki, off the BED! I have to wash the sheet!” “I’m NAPPING, human!” “It’s a FACE-OFF! Who blinks first?” “MY eyes are closed!” “OK, Kiki! Then we’ll see what happens when an IRRESISTIBLE force meets an IMMOVABLE object!” “But I’m both irresistible AND immovable, human! Better come back LATER!”

“Human, WHAT you doing?” “KISSING you on the head, Kiki!” “That’s #2 on my top 10 HATE list—after being belly-rubbed!” “Really? It’s #2 on my top 10 LOVE list—after belly-rubbing you!” “I’ll give you a thing on MY love list!” “Biting or scratching me, Kiki?” “Nope, human! IGNORING you…My #1!”

“Good morning, Kiki!” “What’s GOOD about it, human?” “Wow! You’re GROUCHY—like me, before my first cup of COFFEE!” “I don’t LIKE coffee!” “But I’ll give you TREATS…and you’ll be back to your CHEERFUL self!” “WHEN was I ever cheerful, human?” “You cheer ME up, Kiki! So, I guess you ALWAYS are!”

“Human, my kibble bowl is HALF-EMPTY! You gotta FILL it!” “No, Kiki, it’s HALF-FULL!” “Are we SEEING the same bowl? All these spots WITHOUT kibble: Here…here…here!” “Just WATCH!” (shakes bowl) “Now, NO empty spots! It’s MAGICAL, Kiki!” “You mean ‘magical THINKING,’ human! It’s STILL half-empty!”

“Human, what’s in THIS closet?” “Kiki, I keep my SKELETONS there—things I did that I’m ASHAMED of!” “Things about ME?” “When you bothered me at work, I made you run away. I put hot sauce on my HAND…squirt you with WATER—“ “SCARY skeletons, human! I ain’t going in!” “It’ll be our SECRET, Kiki!”

“Human, what you DOING? The ALARM didn’t ring!” “Kiki, I want to PET you a few minutes before it does!” “The fewer, the BETTER!” “You purring is MUSIC to my ears!” “You scritching my ears is SCRITCHING to my ears!” “You…stopped PURRING, Kiki!” “So, stop SCRITCHING, human! It’s BREAKFAST time!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #2: You might not believe it…but I’m so VALUABLE to you! You can’t calculate it in MONEY you’ve spent on me over the years (quite a bit, I think)! Rather, my value lies in what I GIVE you each day: companionship, mood enhancement and the BEST reason to wake up in the morning!”

“Human, can I sit on your LAP?” “Glad you asked, Kiki!” “Last time, you STOOD before I could land!” “Don’t take my lap for GRANTED!” “When I want WARMTH, you never let me down!…Let me DOWN; you’re PETTING me!” “You SURE you don’t want to sit, Kiki?” “Not with a warm LAP and cold HANDS, human!”

“Kiki, get out my FACE! Your breath REEKS of tuna!” “Human, you always say I eat EXPENSIVE food! I’m spreading the WEALTH!” “I CAN’T eat your food!” “I think I know how BAD you feel when I don’t eat it!” “Do you…REALLY?” “But YOU should know I don’t CARE what I do, human!” “That STINKS, Kiki!”

“Human, you always sit NEXT to me on my couch!” “I’m on your SIDE, Kiki!” “Go on the OTHER side!” “I’m with YOU!” “You ain’t MOVING!” “I’ll stick by you!” “Stick somewhere ELSE!” “I’m in your CORNER!” “Go to the OTHER corner!” “I’ll stand by you, Kiki.” “At least you ain’t SITTING, human!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #1: You take me for GRANTED: You want me to be here for you all the time! But I got needs of my OWN…and a schedule I have to follow. Would YOU like it if I never left you alone? No, you wouldn’t! Here’s my solution: I’ll TELL you if I want something—and IGNORE you if I don’t.”

(whispering) “Psst, Kiki! Your human’s going to look at KITTIES! What will you DO?…” “Kiki, wake up! I’ll be back soon…It’s shelter ADOPTION day at the pet store. I like to LOOK at the cats!” “Human, I FORBID you to adopt a kitty!” “I wouldn’t DREAM of it, Kiki…and don’t YOU dream of it, either!”

“Kiki, you haven’t made biscuits in MONTHS! How about now?” “What’s my INCENTIVE, human? Treats? A toy? Fresh ‘nip?” “I’ll be HAPPY!” “That’ll NEVER be an incentive!” “My other cats were BETTER at biscuits than you, anyway, Kiki!” “WHAT?! Get ready, human! I’m gonna WIN your biscuit bake-off!”

“Kiki, where are my READING glasses?” “What’s that thing on your FACE, human?” “My BIFOCALS, to see things near and far away. I wear READING glasses to see very close!” “I see! No, I don’t.” “You’re SITTING on them, Kiki! They’re under your BELLY!” “But I wear them BETTER, human…Can’t you see?”

“Kiki’s Journal #100: Most things I do are things I WANT to do. My day is NEVER perfect; my human might INTERRUPT a nap or my wet food DISAPPOINTS me! But at the end of the day—no matter what happens—I can tell myself, ‘It was a GOOD day!’ And I look forward to one day saying, ‘It was a good LIFE!’”

“Kiki, I found PRICEY cat toys online! Which do you want? An exercise wheel to JOG on…” “BUY it, human!” “…Or a TREEHOUSE with a spiral staircase?” “Buy THAT one!” “Well, Kiki, I can’t afford EITHER!” “But, human…Think of the MEMORIES you’d have of buying it, assembling it—and me not using it!”

“Human, STOP ahead! Kitty at work…stretching!” “Oh, Kiki, I almost STEPPED on you!” (later) “YIELD for kitty!” “I didn’t SEE you there!” (later) “DETOUR ahead! Kitty’s on carpet!” “So glad you’re giving me all these ALERTS, Kiki!” “Human, I wouldn’t NEED to give them…if you were REALLY alert!”

“TREATS, human!” “Kiki, it’s a NON-STARTER! You haven’t eaten your wet food OR kibble!” (5 minutes later) “Got TREATS!” “Ain’t it a non-starter?” “Gotta eat SOMETHING, Kiki! Haven’t started your FOOD—and left 2 treats on the dish!” “Human, I’m a non-starter AND a non-finisher!…I’ll eat LATER!”

“Kiki’s Journal #99: I’ve got enormous POWER over my human! And she’ll do everything I WANT—usually without me having to tell her what to do: feeding me on time, cleaning my litter, providing warmth, etc. I have so much CONTROL over her…but I figure she freely GAVE it to me for some reason (love?).”

“What’s on my LAPTOP, Kiki?” “PREDICTION market, human. I bet I’ll have TUNA shreds tonight!” “I bet it’s salmon pâté.” “I predict you’ll change your MIND!” “We’re OUT of tuna shreds!” “I predict you’ll buy me some NOW!” “Pet store’s open…I’ll be BACK, Kiki!” “You’re so PREDICTABLE, human!”

“Kiki, you remember when you’d UNROLL toilet paper?” “Nope, human! That was ANOTHER kitty you had!” “OK! But you’d always dip your PAW in the water bowl!” “NOT me!” “But you SWATTED a vase and broke it!” “Human, do YOU remember when you could remember the things I actually did?” “Uh…no, Kiki.”

“I KNOW you’re in there, human! Open up!” “No, Kiki! Too NOISY out there!” “I don’t hear ANYTHING!” “YOU’RE the noise! You’re talking too much—to ME…to dolls…to birds!” “I ain’t gonna STOP until you open up!” “You PROMISE to stop, Kiki?” “I promise to TALK about it, human! Now, open the DOOR!”

“Kiki, move to the other side of the BED!” “Why, human? I’m COMFY right here!” “Because I turned and FACE-PLANTED atop your butt!” “That wasn’t INTENTIONAL?” “No, Kiki! It’s just where my face LANDED!” “Then go plant YOUR face on the other side of the bed, human…You can leave your pillow HERE!”

“Kiki, you have STRING in bed…at bedtime? It’s RISKY!” “HOW, human?” “You’d get ENTANGLED…and wake me to UNTANGLE you!” “An ACCEPTABLE risk!” “If it falls on the floor, I’ll TRIP over it in the dark!” “ALSO acceptable, human!” “At the RISK of making you mad, I’m confiscating the string, Kiki!”