“Kiki, at your next grooming, I’ll ask her to BATHE you!” “WHAT, human?” “You have lots of loose fur and DANDRUFF!” “Ain’t happening!” “But you’ll FEEL great!” “EVERYBODY says, ‘Don’t bathe a kitty!’” “Kiki, you’ve been BRAINWASHED into thinking that!” “Ain’t bathing my brain EITHER, human!”

“Like the VIEW from up there, Kiki?” “I saw 20 BIRDIES flying so far, human!” “You’re in the CATBIRD seat!” “I never KNEW about it!” “Well, I COULD have said it’s the best place to see birds. Would you have BELIEVED me?” “Nope, human! And I STILL won’t!” (jumps down) “Kiki, don’t fly off mad!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #32: I sleep a lot, and you sleep much less! You pack all YOURS in at night; I spread out MINE into many naps, day and night. As you’re in bed, I don’t look at YOU with envy for sleeping so deeply. But as I nap, I sense you looking at ME and marveling at how I do it so well!”

“Human, you BUY it yet?” “What, Kiki?” “I asked last night for an automatic TREAT dispenser. I tap a button, and treats come out!” “What’d I SAY?” “‘I will’…then you fell ASLEEP!” “I remember now, Kiki! I didn’t finish my SENTENCE. I left out the word ‘not’!” “I WILL ask again tonight, human!”

“Whose day was more INTERESTING, Kiki?…I ran out of shampoo!” “I saw a LIZARD on the balcony!” “I finally canceled Netflix!” “I ZOOMED, and I had ‘nip!” “It hailed during my walk!” “I NAPPED 6 times…groomed 5 times!” “Uh…” “Human, MY day is always more interesting than YOURS!” “It is, Kiki.”

“Kiki, welcome to the LAP! I’ll be your human! What can I get?” “What you got?” “Scritching, petting, hugging, kissing!” “Nope…Ain’t for ME!” “What do you want?” “Only SITTING!” “We don’t have it!” “I’ll take my business ELSEWHERE!” “You just GOT here, Kiki!” “And I’m just LEAVING, human!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #31: I don’t often show EMOTION. I can be mad, fearful, sad…but not happy. I do feel pity—mostly, for YOU! You adopted me without knowing HOW I’d act. I’ve misbehaved quite a bit…and still do! So, I pity you for putting up with me. But that doesn’t mean I’ll QUIT misbehaving!”

“What you doing to my BUTT, human?” “I want to remove litter that’s STUCK there, Kiki!” “I’ll lick it off when I’m ready! So don’t do ANYTHING!” “I haven’t succeeded! You’ve tried to BITE me!” “Yep!” “I reared you to KNOW better, Kiki!” “YOU should know better not to mess with MY rear, human!”

“You are KIND…” “I ain’t, human!” “Generous…” “Wrong!” “Caring…” “Nope!” “Loving…” “Come ON!” “Respectful…” “Seriously?” “Forgiving…” “So, you were talking to yourself in the MIRROR, human?” “I didn’t think you HEARD me, Kiki!” “BUT you ain’t ANY of that stuff either!” “With YOU…I am!”

“Hello, police? I wanna report crimes! Human didn’t gimme treats at lunch!…She BRUSHED me during a nap—AND rubbed my belly! Please arrest her!…” “Kiki, you’re meowing in your SLEEP again! And I heard every single word!” “Human, I won’t REALLY report you!” “But you’re very arresting to ME, Kiki!”

“You can come OUT now, Kiki!” “Finished VACUUMING, human?” “Had to do the WHOLE apartment today. Oh, wait—I missed a spot!” “I’ll stay hidden!” “NOW it’s done! Not a speck of FUR on the floor! The carpet looks like you were never HERE, Kiki!” “Human, whenever you vacuum, I wish I WEREN’T here!”

“Kiki, I’m going to BED! Your wet food is out!” “Better be GOOD, human! What is it?” “It’s only your FAVORITE brand of tuna shreds! You LOVE it!” “NOT loving it right this minute!” “And what’s your point?” “You ain’t gonna CHANGE it, human?” “No, Kiki. So, you’ve got all night to NOT eat it!”

“Human, I’m right BEHIND you!” “I know, Kiki!” “So, you’re being MINDFUL of me?” “I’m focusing on everything about you! I’m AWARE when I step, feed you, look in on you, scoop your litter…but I’m NOT focusing on other things.” “And why’s that, human?” “Because I’ve got a mind full of YOU, Kiki!”

“How should I spend my tax refund, Kiki?” “Human, buy me the deluxe TOWER I always ask for!” “You wouldn’t use it!” “But I MIGHT!” “It’s throwing money AWAY! I’d do better at a casino!” “Take a chance on ME, human! What you got to lose?” “My tax refund, Kiki…And the chance to spend it WISELY!”

“Human, trying to KISS me?” “You’re MISTAKEN, Kiki! I know you don’t like to be kissed!” “Can you PROVE I’m mistaken?” “Only if I can do what I WANTED to do!” “Do it!” (kisses her) “Well?” “I was RIGHT, human! You WERE trying to kiss me! Don’t do that again!” “I won’t, Kiki…until NEXT time!”

“Human, you shut the door FAST!” “Kiki, I didn’t want you to run BACK in the closet!” “You KNEW I’d do that?” “I know you like the back of my HAND…I can predict what you’ll do next!” “What?” “You’ll nap, Kiki!” “Nope, human! I’m gonna BITE the back of your hand—so you can’t predict me at all!”

“Human, WHERE’S my scratching post?” “But which one, Kiki? The OLD one—which you seldom used…or the NEW one—which you never use?” “The old one’s got my SCENT!” “It’s gone. Put your scent on the NEW one!” “Nope! I’ll use the carpet…furniture…your legs…” “Why?” “They’ve got my scent TOO, human!”

“Kiki, treats!” “I’ve been WAITING, human!” “These treats are SPECIAL!” (drops each treat in a dish) “1, you make me SMILE…2, you make me HAPPY…3, you make me CARE!” “I just get 3?” “And 4, for everything else!” “I just get 4, human?” “You’ll get more later, Kiki…but they won’t be as SPECIAL!”

“Kiki, we’re under ATTACK!” “By whom, human?” “Lots of tiny INSECTS are invading from outside!” “More FRIENDS! Put out some FOOD!” “They’re eating YOUR food!” “So what you gonna do?” “Get a cat who WON’T treat pests as guests, Kiki!” “I treat YOU as a guest, human…and you’re MY biggest pest!”

“Kiki, wanna sit on my LAP?” “Not after you failed the LESSON, human!” “What?” “Lesson 93 of Kiki 101: ‘No hugging!’” “I thought you LIKE being hugged!” “Nope! Did you even FINISH the course?” “No, Kiki! You keep ADDING to the curriculum!” “‘Cause you keep DOING new things with me, human!”

“Kiki, I’m taking you SHOPPING!” “Nope, human!” (later) “You’re going to a MOVIE!” “Not…a…chance!” (later) “You’ll go to visit FRIENDS with me!” “No way!” “Kiki, I’m being metaphorical! You go ALL OVER with me—on my phone…in my mind…in my heart!” “Take me anywhere, human—but I’ll stay HERE!”

“You did it AGAIN, human!” “What, Kiki?” “Washed the bed sheets! It got rid of the FUR I left behind! I was more COMFY on it!” “I need to sleep on CLEAN sheets!” “Then I won’t NAP here! See how you like it!” “I’ll have the bed to MYSELF, Kiki!” “On SECOND thought, human…I’ll add some new fur!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #30: For a human, you’re WELL-BEHAVED toward me. You let me PASS in front of you! You let me NAP where I want! You never stop trying to be NICE, no matter how much I turn you away—or attack you! And you rarely pick me up! So, despite your many flaws, you know your CATIQUETTE!”

“Kiki, when I took you in your carrier 2 weeks ago, you felt LIGHTER to me!” “I feel just the same to ME, human!” “The vet told me you’re OVERWEIGHT and I shouldn’t feed you as much wet food!” “You lose again, human! I eat KIBBLE!” “Reduced calorie kibble, Kiki. And you WILL lose—some weight!”

“What you DOING, human?” “I’m on the toilet, Kiki! What YOU doing?” “Wanting my breakfast!” “You already have kibble! I need to take time to do THIS thing!” “It’s time to do MY thing!…Hurry up!” “You want to sit there and WATCH me, Kiki?” “Sure, human! It might just motivate you to go FASTER!”

(anchor) “Now, the latest on newly crowned Queen Kiki. Her royal likeness is now appearing on our CURRENCY…” “Kiki…Here’s your dinner—fit for a QUEEN! I’m off to the pet store!” “For my treats, human? My favorite wet food? My ‘nip?” “All on my list! Once again, Kiki, you’re right on the MONEY!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #29: I ACT like you don’t deserve me—but is it how I FEEL? I’m the BEAUTY in your life…the fun…the softness…the serenity…the companionship…and much more! Think of ME as a helpless animal if you want; I think of YOU that way. Maybe you don’t deserve me, but you really NEED me!”

“Human, where’s my WATER bowl?” “I’m nearly done cleaning it, Kiki!” “I’m just DYING of thirst!” “Your other water bowl’s NEXT to it!” “But I don’t want THAT one! I want the one YOU have!” “Here, Kiki! Now, I’ll clean your other bowl!” (15 seconds later) “I wanna drink out the OTHER bowl now!”

“Kiki, I have many PHOTOS of you from the past 2 years. I wish I had more of your EARLY years!” “Any MEMORABLE moments, human?” “JUMPING atop a ceiling fan…CLAWING up a screen door…NAPPING in a plastic bag…” “And that time I POOPED on the carpet!” “Kiki, that’s memorable enough WITHOUT a photo!”

“Cozying up to me, Kiki?” “Yep, human!” “And why are you being THIS nice?” “No reason…Actually, there is: Buy me some TUNA! Haven’t had it lately.” “If I do, will you be THIS nice?” “No, as nice as I USUALLY am!” “OK, Kiki…if you’re this nice SOMETIMES!” “The more TUNA…the more NICE, human!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #28: You’re going to BED now? Don’t let me stop you. But also don’t think I’LL stop doing what I want. I got my OWN schedule to follow—which is often no schedule at all! If you don’t wanna FEED me…CUDDLE me…PLAY with me whenever I want, too bad! I’m gonna BUG you til you do!”

“Kiki, I had a SCARY walk outside—thanks to you!” “I was INSIDE, human!” “A Great Dane almost BIT me!” “But I bite you!” “You’re no dog!…His owner said he sensed CAT on me!” “Defend my honor next time! Bite BACK!” “Kiki, I’ll turn and walk the OTHER way!” “THAT figures! What a scaredy human!”

“Punching me in my EYE, Kiki?” “Human, you got a night mask on! I ain’t HURTING you.” “You’re BOTHERING me! I’m trying to sleep!” “Why WEAR it?” “So I won’t see the sun!” “You won’t see ME!” “I’ll sleep on my OTHER side, Kiki!” “I’m ALREADY on your other side, human!…I beat you to the PUNCH!”

(whispering) “I don’t want to disturb you, Kiki. I know you’re SLEEPING! Chest in…out…in…out. So cute! I’d better go before you wake up!” “You interrupted me again, human! What’s WITH you?” “I just had to watch you BREATHE, Kiki! It’s a beautiful thing!” “You had your FUN, human…Now, let me nap!”

“Kiki’s Notes to Human #27: I don’t care for CATNIP you sprinkle in a box to keep me occupied. I just ain’t gonna SIT in it! If you were a good human, you’d sprinkle ‘nip in a place where I CAN’T see it…such as inside a bag or a toy. Then I’ll be CURIOUS and excited—and remain busy for a long time!”

“I put your DISH here, Kiki…and I’m going to turn away!” “Don’t you wanna WATCH me eat, human?” “No, I don’t want you to see I’m ANXIOUS waiting for you to eat!” “I think you don’t wanna open a new can if I won’t eat THIS!” “…EATING yet, Kiki?” “You’ll never know, human…UNLESS you turn around!”

“Kiki, you found the bit of CHEESE I accidentally dropped!” “I accidentally TASTED it, human!” “I should’ve SEEN it earlier!” “Got my LICKS in before you took it!” “You’re lactose-intolerant, Kiki! So, tell me if you feel sick!” “You’ll be the first to know, human—AND the first to clean it up!”

“Kiki, getting lots of SUNSHINE?” “Human, can you move the SUN over a little?” “I can’t.” “But wouldn’t you move heaven and earth for me?” “For your health—not THIS, Kiki! I’ll pick you up and move you to the OTHER side of the window!” “Moving heaven and earth is easier than moving ME, human!”

“Kiki, you stuck your CLAWS in me when I slept last night!” “What, human?” “I FELT them!” “Can’t take the CREDIT! I wasn’t in bed!” “Really?” “I shed 3 claws last week—and you were LYING on them!” “So THAT’S what I felt, Kiki?” “Yep, human! But even after I shed them, they still work for ME!”

“Kiki, REMEMBER the good old days?” “Last WEEK, human?” “10 YEARS ago! I kept WORKING at the computer, you kept JUMPING on me, I kept DROPPING you on the floor, you kept JUMPING…” “I like the good OLDER days!” “Which ones, Kiki?” “THESE days, human! We’re older…and you don’t DARE drop me now!”

“Human, my litter’s LOW! I see the bottom of the box!” “I should buy some, Kiki!” “I’ll WAIT til you get back!” “You want me to get it NOW?” “I‘d LIKE that!” “Kiki, I’m tired! And it’s not EASY carrying a 20-pound bag up two flights of stairs!” “Pretend I’m CHEERING you all the way up, human!”

“Kiki, what are you looking at behind the DOOR?” “Don’t WORRY about it, human!” “Try me! I might SURPRISE you!” “Reminiscing about my naps back there—and the FUR I left behind!” “I’ll get the vacuum cleaner!” “Well, THAT sucks, human! You’ll erase my best MEMORIES!” “Just make NEW ones, Kiki!”

“Kiki, let’s stop CUDDLING now.” “Ain’t GONNA stop, human! Not now!” “I’m getting TIRED! They say, ‘All good things come to an end.’” “Do ‘they,’ really? But your cuddling ain’t a GOOD thing…just OK!” “Kiki, OK things come to an end, too!” “‘They’ can say what ‘they’ want, human. I say, ‘NOPE!”

“Human, you spend so much time looking at all the KITTIES!” “Kiki, you KNOW I really love cats!” “Do OTHER things! Look at ME, pet ME, scritch ME!” “So, turn my ALL-CAT habit into a KIKI-ONLY habit?” “You’re ALREADY hooked on me, human!” “Yes, Kiki. You’re NOT a habit I can break anytime soon!”

“What you DOING, Kiki?” “Talking to my balcony BIRDIES, human!” “What are they SAYING to you?” “I’m chattering, but they IGNORE me!” “What are YOU saying to THEM?” “‘I gotta have you over for LUNCH!’…What’s EATING them?” “They don’t WANT to be eaten, Kiki!” “Human, I want to be their FRIEND!”

“HELP, human!” “What, Kiki?” “I can’t decide where to NAP! Go pick out a place in the bedroom!” “I’ll be back!…What about the bed?” “It ain’t MADE yet!” “On the dresser?” “The TOWELS are cold!” “Behind the door, Kiki?” “Oh, FORGET it! Never send a human to do a KITTY’S job!…I’ll be in BED!”

“Kiki, what’s on your MIND?” “TUNA for lunch, human!” “Anything ELSE?” “Nope!” “Such a SIMPLE cat!…What’s on MY mind?” “I’m telepathic; I can tell YOU…But you tell ME!” “PANCAKES for lunch!” “Anything ELSE?” “Berries!” “Such a genius!” “Thanks, Kiki!” “I’m being SIMPLY sarcastic, human!”

“Human went SHOPPING today?” “Yes, Kiki! I bought enough to last a WEEK!” “Did you have anything to GIVE to me?” “I give you LOTS of things—but not today!” “But you should ALWAYS be giving stuff to the pretty kitty!” “You are VERY beautiful, Kiki…I’ll give you THAT!” “I already GOT it, human!”

“Kiki, you jumped on my lap…and started STRIKING me!” “That can HAPPEN when I’m on your lap, human!” “Didn’t you want to CUDDLE?” “No, I wanted to strike! And I get what I WANT.” “Then tell me what you want BEFORE you do it, Kiki!” “Don’t drop it all in MY lap, human! I do whatever STRIKES me!”

“Kiki, you SNEEZED in my face!” “Human, YOU were in MY face!” “It’s MY fault?” “Yep…and you’re RESPONSIBLE for it!” “You went to the VET a few times for sneezing.” “I’m not talking about THAT!” “Then what?” “Responsible for cleaning my mess off your FACE, human!” “You’re a SNOTTY cat, Kiki!”