“Nobody LOVES me, human!” “Kiki, what a MEAN thing to say!” “It’s a ME thing to say!” “I CARE for you! If that’s not love, what IS it?” “A clause in the ADOPTION papers!…You GOTTA do it!” “OK…Who do YOU love?” “NO clue, human!” “So THAT’S why you think nobody loves you, Kiki…You love NOBODY!”

“Kiki’s Cat Treats of Wisdom #249: If the vet says you must lose WEIGHT, your humans may: 1) give you food with FEWER calories; 2) feed you on a SCHEDULE (with no ‘grazing’); 3) REDUCE your treats; 4) plan ACTIVITIES so you hunt, run and climb; and 5) WEIGH you often. You need to be HEALTHY, kitty!”

“Human, you stare at HUNDREDS of kitties on the internet every day!” “Why ELSE was the internet invented, Kiki?” “Wish you could bring them HOME?” “Not…at…all! Thousands of people see YOU and might wish they could bring YOU home.” “So many humans for ME!” “But you’re the ONLY cat for me, Kiki.”

“Kiki, you’re on the FLOOR! You OK?” “I nap ANYWHERE, human!” “If you see ME on the floor, you know what to DO?” “Sit ATOP you! Making biscuits is OPTIONAL.” “No, Kiki, dial 9-1-1! You want me to be HELPED…to lie there HURT…or be slowly DYING?” “Not good at multiple choice, human…Gimme a HINT!”

“Kiki, FRIENDS are stopping by—three women you’ve MET.” “I DOUBT it, human. I HIDE if you have company.” “So, the first has a DOG, the second has SIX CATS, and the third wants to ADOPT a cat.” “Maybe she‘ll want to adopt ME!” “Well…she ALSO has a dog, Kiki!” “Never mind, human. I’ll just hide.”

“Kiki, you’re a MESSY eater…CRUMBS on the carpet!” “Griping about ME, human? YOU’RE so sloppy…Crumbs are on YOU!” “Giving me LIP?” “BOTH lips!” “Being SHORT with me?” “Always the same HEIGHT…9.5 inches!” “You talk back SO MUCH, Kiki!” “I’m a KITTY ASSASSIN, human…a kitty who’s a-sassin’ YOU!”

“Human, why so QUIET?” “Kiki, we talk about the SAME stuff every day: litterbox, food, treats, napping…We don’t talk about anything NEW!” “We also don’t talk about stuff YOU do that bothers ME: stinky odors, noisy TV, visitors…Let’s talk about THAT, human!” “I’m going back to being QUIET, Kiki!”

“Kiki, there’s a colony of ANTS by the front door!” “So ADORABLE, human…with their five cute eyes!” “Just do your CAT thing! Send them off to a BETTER PLACE—if you know what I mean.” “Gotcha!” (later) “Kiki, ants are in the KITCHEN!” “You said ‘a BETTER PLACE,’ human! Lots of yummy food THERE!”

“Human, dressed for HALLOWEEN!…A zombie?” “Got my annual SHOTS yesterday, Kiki—and now I feel just like a MUMMY!” “I feel the same when I get MINE!…But you’ll be FRISKY soon, chasing your own version of the RED DOT!” “Making FUN of me, Kiki?” “I won’t miss my chance to take a SHOT at it, human!”

“Saw your phone, human…This app BOTHERS me!” “Kiki, you’re not respecting BOUNDARIES!” “But you can watch me from ANYWHERE!” “WEBCAMS monitor the rooms…and I can look in on YOU!” “What about MY boundaries, human?” “YOURS are all inside our home, Kiki. So I want to know EVERYTHING that happens.”

“Human, let’s be a COMEDY team.” “We’ll do STAND-UP just for cats, Kiki.” “YOU write the jokes…’til I hire somebody BETTER!” “Only the BEST jokes for us!” “I’LL deliver the punchlines and get the laughs, human! You’ll be…SECOND BANANA!” “Kiki, was this a SETUP for me to buy you another banana?”

“Kiki, you just tore off my skin with your CLAWS!” “So WHAT, human? You got LOTS of it!” “How would YOU like it if I pulled off some fur?” “Just give it a try and see if I WOULD!” “OK…Ouch, scratched me AGAIN, Kiki! I never even got a chance to PULL!” “So, NOW you know how I‘d like it, human!”

“I’m CURED, human?” “I haven’t heard you wheeze in a WEEK, Kiki…But I’ll knock on wood, rub my rabbit’s foot, put coins in the Lucky Cat bank—“ “Couldn’t do all that BEFORE you gave me drops?” “Had to do the drops FIRST, Kiki! We might do them AGAIN if you start wheezing!” “Just my LUCK, human!”

“NEED something, Kiki?” “Why else am I HERE, human?” “TREATS?…There!” “Yum!…But NOT what I wanted.” “Wet FOOD?…There!” “Yum!…Not THAT, either!” “Ah, you want SCRITCHES?…There!” “Nice!…Not THAT!” “Then what do you WANT, Kiki?” “Just wanted you to GUESS, human! And look what I GOT out of it!”

“Take a PICTURE, human! I’m at my FLOOFIEST!” “Waiting for the perfect MOMENT, Kiki!” “Hey, kitty wearing out her CUTENESS here!” “Maybe ANOTHER moment would be better!” “Ain’t nothing better than THIS moment!” “OK, Kiki! Ready…set…GO!” “Really hope you caught me in a MOMENTOUS moment, human!”

“Human, what you LOOKING at?” “Apartments, Kiki. Ours is too PRICEY!” “But I thought this was my FOREVER home!” “Not for LONG, maybe a few months.” “I’ll need to find new places to HIDE, human…and get my FANMAIL forwarded!” “Kiki, you and I will be together FOREVER—no matter WHERE our home is!”

“Is my STAFF present, human?” “Yes, Kiki!” “Chef, chicken pâté for LUNCH!” “You GOT it!” “Landscaper, new FILLER in my sandbox!…Masseuse, neck SCRITCHING today…Water sommelier—“ “You’re just talking to ME, Kiki! I’m ALL those people!” “If I wanted INSIGHTS, human, I’d summon my PHILOSOPHER!”

“Human, I thought we’re FINISHED with drops!” “We ARE, Kiki! I need to WASH the syringes and STORE them!” “ADMIT you wanted to see if I’d HIDE, to show me you still have POWER over me!…No, you DON’T!” “I’m FINISHED…honest!” “No…You wanna psych me OUT, human!” “Says the PSYCHO kitty named Kiki!”

“Kiki’s Cat Treats of Wisdom #248: What do you WEIGH, kitty? And what SHOULD you weigh? Weight is important to HEALTH, but an ‘ideal’ weight range depends on your medical history, age, breed, size, gender—and if mainly indoor or outdoor. A VET will know your weight…and what your humans must do!”

“Kiki, I jotted down every time you BIT or SCRATCHED me over the years!” “Why do THAT, human?” “To recall all the PAIN I endure.” “Is the pain worth the TROUBLE of living with me?” “Just part of the world of Kiki that I EMBRACE each day!” “But it’s when you embrace ME that you get hurt, human.”

“Dr. Kiki, why BITE me?” “Gotta draw BLOOD, human…Lemme check your pressure. I’ll MEOW ‘til you get hypertension!” “My INSURANCE won’t cover this…You even HAVE a degree?” “An M.D…Master of Destruction!” ”You‘ve PRACTICED long, Dr. Kiki?” “Just TODAY, human…But they say practice makes PURRFECT!”

“Human, wake UP!” “Kiki, it’s 1 a.m…What’s wrong?” “My wet food DRIED OUT…Change it!” ”I need more time to SLEEP!” “I want it NOW!” “You’ll get…DOUBLE TREATS…when I get up. At 5.” ”You won’t DO it!…Wet food NOW!“ “OK, Kiki!” “You gotta get up PRETTY EARLY in the morning to please me, human!”

“Kiki, don’t scatter lots of LITTER outside your box!” (later) “Kiki, don’t take things off my DESK and hide them!” (later) “Kiki, don’t leave your stuffed DOLL where I can walk on it!” “Human, I do MUCH of what you tell me!” “What do you MEAN, ‘much’?” “Everything you say AFTER ‘Kiki, don’t’!”

“Kiki’s Cat Treats of Wisdom #247: After you were ADOPTED, your humans may have followed the ‘3-3-3 RULE,‘ a rough estimate of how kitties adjust. The first is 3 DAYS, for you to decompress. Then 3 WEEKS, to settle in and explore. Then 3 MONTHS, to feel comfortable at home. Humans must be PATIENT!”

“Kiki, anyone ever praise your BEAUTY?” “YOU have, human!” “AND everyone who’s seen you!” “Can I use that PRAISE to buy TREATS?” “No.“ “Will it make my naps DREAMIER?” “No.” “So what GOOD is it?” “It buys you a LIFETIME of cuddling, Kiki!” “Better start NOW, human…I got a long life AHEAD!”

“Kiki, we FINISHED your antibiotic drops! Any IMPRESSIONS of how it went?” “SOME, human: ‘Kiki, take the DROPS!’ ‘Kiki, it’s for your own GOOD!’ ‘Kiki, don’t FIGHT me!’ ‘Kiki, we’re DOING this!’ ‘BAD Kiki!’” “Spot-on IMPRESSION of me, Kiki.” “You left quite an impression on ME, human—a BAD one!”

“Kiki, can I lie on the COUCH? You’re in the MIDDLE again!” “Nope, human! It’s the BEST spot to nap.” “You know, you ALWAYS get your way.” “That’s because YOUR side always loses. It’s three against two!” “WHAT, Kiki?” “It’s ME, MYSELF and I against YOU and YOURSELF, human. Strength in numbers!”

“Kiki, I’m THINKING about getting a new calico cat!” “SERIOUSLY, human?” “She’d be your PLAYMATE.” “Seriously? She’d be my RIVAL!” “She’d be your ROLE MODEL.” “Seriously? She’d be my ALIBI!” “I was THINKING about it, Kiki. I wasn’t gonna DO it.” “Seriously, human…I KNEW you weren’t serious.”

“Kiki’s Cat Treats of Wisdom #246: Your humans often CALL you, but you don’t ANSWER! It’s not always NECESSARY to respond—or you just can’t HEAR well. You might save your reply until you SEE a toy move, HEAR a bag of treats rustle, or SMELL new food in your dish. You’ll know to respond THEN, kitty!”

“Watching the NEWS, Kiki?” “Thought it was a HORROR movie, human!…Kitties could do a BETTER job ruling the world.” “YOU should run for office!” “I’d rather RUN for the sandbox…bed…food dish…catnip box.” “You got MY vote, Kiki!” “Save it for someone who ISN’T scary, human…Ugh, can’t WATCH this!”

“Got SOMETHING for you, human. Here…” (bites her hand) “Ow, Kiki—WHY? I was just SITTING here, not DOING anything, and you came to BITE my hand?” “It’s for everything you‘ve DONE to me for nine years!” “So it’s…uh, PAYBACK, Kiki?” “On an INSTALLMENT plan, human! Expect ANOTHER payment tomorrow!”

“Kiki, I had to CHASE you around when you saw the syringe!” “I’m your personal TRAINER, human! So, you got a WORKOUT.” “But I DID catch you! You got the full A.M. dose!” “What you want me to SAY, human—that I can’t WIN?” ”I want SILENCE, Kiki. No sneezing, no wheezing. It means…you’re WINNING!”

“I hope you TREAT me right today, human!” “Kiki, you want some TREATS? Lemme give you—“ “NEVER had eight at once.” “Lemme give you—“ “Bet you CHICKEN out.” “Eight…chicken treats. There! And for WET food, Kiki? I’m open to SUGGESTIONS.” “You’re actually open to the POWER of suggestion, human!”

“Kiki’s Cat Treats of Wisdom #245: You may step into your sandbox and LIE THERE. You may want to get away from stress or boredom—or to say you HATE the litter! But you can SCARE your humans, so you’ll be off to the VET. If you DON’T want to do your business, you got NO business being there, kitty!”

“Human, I can’t sleep in the BED anymore! I get BAD DREAMS…Like you LEAVE me for a kitten or GIVE me dog food!” “The MEDS can cause it, Kiki!” “But it happens when YOU’RE in the bed, too! So I won’t SLEEP then.” “If you want. But you’re the cat of MY dreams.” “You’re the human of my NIGHTMARES!”

“Been a tough WEEK, Kiki…We still FRIENDS?” “No more, human! No cuddling OR scritching…Stay on YOUR side of the bed!” “Friendly ACQUAINTANCES?” “You’re only my SERVANT!” “Then dinner is SERVED, Kiki…BROCCOLI pâté!” “On second thought, human…let’s be friendly ROOMMATES. So, bring out the TUNA!”

“Human, take off the EARBUDS! Can’t read your MIND.” ”Chumbawamba’s ‘Tubthumping‘ DAMPENS telepathy…Got your HEAD…OPEN…In go the DROPS…CLOSE it!” “I HATE that, human! It’s like you PUNCHED me!” “Yes, Kiki. You get knocked DOWN, but you get UP again. I’m never gonna keep you DOWN!” (See ALT text)

“I STRADDLED you, Kiki—and got the P.M. drops in!…We gotta FINISH all 7 days.” “Let’s end it TODAY, human!” “No, the virus may RETURN and get worse!…I wish you’d listen to REASON!” “No REASON I should, human! My INSTINCTS are saying, ‘This STINKS!’” “You have FEAR, Kiki…My LOVE will conquer it!”

“Kiki, I’ve had CATS for 40 years, but I learn NEW things every day!” “What you learn TODAY, human?” “That I have so much to learn about YOU!” “I’m such a great TEACHER!” “You foil me EVERY time, Kiki—so, I learn to OUTSMART you!” “When will you EVER learn, human…You’ll NEVER learn to do that!”

“A.M. drops went WELL, Kiki…even if you FOUGHT me.” “You’re OBSESSING about this, human! Don’t wanna TALK about it anymore!” “OK…But it’s TIME to take them again!” “Wanna FIGHT me, human? ‘Cause I’ll FIGHT you!” “I’m not asking you to STOP fighting, Kiki…But maybe you shouldn’t OBSESS about it.”

“Human, you STALKING me?” “No, Kiki! SPYING to hear if you’re wheezing.” “AM I?” ”Some. Not as MUCH as before…The drops MIGHT be working!” “That’s ONE WAY of looking at it.” “Try to be HAPPY, Kiki. I am!” “So, you’ll keep dosing AND stalking me…Looks like only ONE of us will be happy, human!”

“REPORT, human!” “P.M. meds went OK, Kiki…You swallowed HALF of it. So you get TREATS!” “Small potatoes, given my SACRIFICE of being dosed while in a towel!” “I sacrificed too…Took a PILL so I wouldn’t transfer my anxiety to you.“ “You DOSED yourself, human?” “A taste of my OWN medicine, Kiki!”

“Kiki, we had an UNDERSTANDING about you taking the antibiotic meds!” “Human, that was a MISUNDERSTANDING! I don’t want to take meds…or give you any WINS!” “Taking meds is a win for us BOTH! But if I lose, YOU lose!” “Human, I lose my DIGNITY whenever you give them to me! And I NEVER wanna lose!”

“Get off the desk…FOR ME, Kiki!” “I won’t do it…FOR YOU, human!” “You’d do it for YOURSELF?” ”If I WANTED to…Humans say ‘for me’ when they want YOU to do something.” “So it sounds like a REQUEST and not an ORDER…I put TREATS in your dish on the floor.” “Then put them on the desk…FOR ME, human!”

“It’s NO USE, Kiki! You won’t SIT STILL while I give you the drops.” “Give UP, human! In fact, I already HAVE…Do your LAUNDRY and forget about my drops!” “YES! Thanks for the IDEA, Kiki. If I WRAP you in a clean towel…Maybe there’s HOPE after all.” “Until I show you THAT plan is hopeless, human.”

“My BIRTHDAY’s soon, Kiki! 14 CAT years!” ”Let’s PARTY, human!” “Yes, ice cream and cake for ME, treats for YOU.” “Can I have ice cream and cake, too?” “No—lots of DAIRY, lots of SUGAR!” “Not even to LICK?” “Nope, Kiki.” “When it comes to being STRICT about my diet, you take the CAKE, human!”

“PROUD of yourself, human, that I swallowed the meds?” “Proud of YOU, Kiki, for finally doing it.” “It won’t happen AGAIN!” “It might, Kiki—twice a day for FIVE more days. With extra TREATS if we succeed. If we DON’T…NO treats!” “OK, but they’d better be the greatest treats of ALL TIME, human!“

“Kiki, you‘re so MEAN!” “You get the kitty you DESERVE, human…Grabbing my HEAD?” “Face AWAY from me…Tilt your head UP…OPEN mouth…I put the TUBE way in there…In goes the MEDS…CLOSE mouth…You DID it!” “I won’t SPEAK to you…you MEAN human!” “You get the human you DESERVE, Kiki! And you deserve ME!”

“Human, you SPRAYED medicine over my face!” “Didn’t hold STILL, Kiki!” “I’m a MESS!…What’ll you do?” “Watch a YouTube video: ‘Giving a cat LIQUID meds.’” “It won’t work on ME!…Gonna record my OWN video on MewTube!” “About WHAT, Kiki?” “Getting the human to STOP TRYING to give you liquid meds!”

“Human, I demand EQUALITY!” “Wanna run that by me AGAIN, Kiki?” “I meant YOU and ME. Don’t just TAKE me to the vet—ASK me! And don’t just GIVE me food—ASK me what I want!” “The only way that’ll happen, Kiki, is we get MARRIED!” “NOPE, human!…So equality is OUT. I’ll just remain SUPERIOR to you.”