Hey, Iran! After we help get rid of your nutbag Fundamentalist authoritarian Islamic regime can you help us get rid of our nutbag authoritarian Christian Nationalist regime? That'd be great, thanks.

Any war the US wages you can say it's a bad idea and 10-20 years from now you will be proved correct but by that time we'll be in another war.

30 years ago, Alex Jones couldn't shut the fuck up about FEMA camps and nobody could find one. Today the Federal government literally has prison camps they can start throwing American citizens in by the stroke of a pen and he has no problem with it whatsoever.

After a war there's always a huge number of refugees. Republicans overthrew every single country in South and Central America. Republicans got us into the Global War on Terror. Now they're bitching about refugees. Don't like immigrants? Stop fucking over the entre world.

American citizen gets shot, he's Jewish, white guy, gun owner, concealed carry, worked for the Veterans admiration, disarmed and shot in the street on his knees—You can't possibly find a story this perfect for Alex Jones' head to explode, yet it remains intact.

Did you know it's against the law to plan the overthrow of the government? I say we just wing it.

Sure, a car can be used as a lethal weapon but it's not a very good one. Not like a shotgun, Kalashnikov, pipe bomb, sniper rifle or Molotov cocktail. Just sayin' hint, hint.

We probably should get rid of the Patriot Act before AI starts running everything. I feel like the guy giving a heads up to someone pumping gas while trying to light a cigarette.

You are in no danger being an ICE officer and there are no split-second decisions you have to make. You have your entire life to decide not to become an ICE officer.

Does anyone remember when the CIA and Delta Force used to do their evil shit and we didn't have to read nine billion excuses for it from fake accounts on social media?

Politics aside. There's a pretty good catfight going on between CIA backed Venezuelan women and liberal white women on TikTok. I'm just hoping I get to see some boobs come out.

If we're going to start comparing dictators at least they had healthcare. Seems like all the countries we invade, attack, overthrow or send money to have universal healthcare.

Yellow cake uranium, aluminum tubes and WMDs in Iraq are the Fentanyl, cocaine boats and drug trafficking of Venezuela.

Is there any way we can kidnap Venezuela's healthcare system and child mortality rate?

I'm making potato soup tonight. New Years Eve is off the fucking rails over here.

We protected poppy fields in Afghanistan for twenty years. The CIA sold cocaine in LA to arm an illegal war in Nicaragua. Air America an entire airline used to move heroin out of the Golden Triangle lasting 22 years. NOW the gloves come off on your illicit drug trade Venezuela.

Doug Stanhope ruined my career.

Holy shit there's a strain of weed called G-13. That's hilarious. Long live Bill Hicks.

I have one weird fan who runs my fan club for one member. He hired a team of people to make these things.

Nobody has ever said, "We've been up since six in the morning snorting pure, uncut lines of Venezuelan cocaine."

Ever get the feeling America is like the wife and son in the Murdaugh murders and it's only a matter of time before we're taken out back to the dog kennel once he's boxed himself into a corner facing imminent exposure after years of bullshit.

I thought Libertarianism was the magical political philosophy that would fix everything. Now this Argentinan grifter Milei needs a $20 billion bail out. Ha! Libertarians are full of shit, they've always been full of shit and they will continue to be full of shit.

It's always darkest before the dawn. However, not all the time. It could be the middle of the night. Wait for the next day. Go back inside and go to bed. What are you doing outside at three in the morning?

Of course you're going to play Saudi Arabia. You haven't said shit here truly radical or mocking the rich. You think liberals are the establishment—rape jokes, LGBTQ and mocking the poor are your edgy schtick. Of course you can play Saudi Arabia.

How the fuck did you find somebody worse than Nixon? I didn't think that was possible.

Who would have guessed all that training those anti-government militias were doing in the woods back in the 1990s was a waste of time. They weren't training to fight tyranny; they were waiting around for the right tyrant.

Alex Jones entire schtick in the mid-1990s was Posse Comitatus. For thirty years he endlessly jabbered on about National Guard Troops taking over the country. Now his fanbase are cheering it on as if they were black out drunk for thirty years and forgot what they just said.

Ever get into an argument with a comedian on social media then find out you started doing standup comedy before they were born? "Oh, so you think you know comedy, do you? I'll bet you do. You know your mom used to love comedy..."

I think a NASA engineer heard one too many fake moon landing conspiracy theories, "Fuck you, I'll put a goddam nuclear reactor on the moon, fly your ass up there and burn your dick off with a U-235 fuel rod heated to 5092 degrees Fahrenheit and then you'll shut the fuck up."

I always thought the Radical Far Left were Sandinistas, FARC and Che Guevara. If they're going to call me Radical Far Left, I might as well join up with those guys.

The people who say you should never talk about politics or religion at a party never want to talk about literature, history, film, art, philosophy, culture, psychology or current events either. They want to talk about sports or jabber endlessly about their children.

Can somebody please tell Netanyahu pretty much everybody on the planet has been living with the bomb since 1945.

Who would have predicted an ex-gameshow host with 88 criminal charges of falsifying records, election interference and mishandling secret documents would go back on his word of no more war in the Middle East? You'd have to be a clairvoyant or some shit to see that coming.

Israel reminds me of a meth tweaker peering through the shades out the window at a white van when we've told them 15 billion times it's just the dude next door who owns a white van.

People take offense when someone as dumb as I am points out how stupid they are.

I'm going to have to take Mexico's side in the war of L.A. MS-13 risk their lives everyday bringing party drugs into this country. While cops, National Guard and Marines aren't that fun to hang out with, have shit taste in music and flinch every time there's a loud noise.

See what happens when you clean out your basement? Found an old headshot of Joey "Coco" Diaz. This was Seattle, back in the 90s laying low on the witness protection program.

Fuck Ukraine and fuck Zelensky. That shithole country is going to bring us to the brink of nuclear war. Who dung up Reagan's head and reattached it to the Democratic party? When did you become warmongering cunts? Not my party anymore and fuck Trump too.

A young open mic comic I occasionally give advice to in Twitter DMs just got arrested for telling a joke. I haven't heard all the details yet, but I'd just like to say I'm proud of my new students.

I need to ask Joe Rogan where I can get some of that sweet Soros cash for protesting Tesla. Must be somebody who books that gig.

Musk isn't even an American and he wants to come here to lecture ME on rugged individualism and personal responsibility? Hey, fuckface don't come to my country if you're too dumb to know what a Nazi salute is and then cry like a bitch when your cars catch on fire.

Vandalism is not domestic terrorism. This country was founded on dumping 342 crates of tea into the Boston Harbor. Deal with it you big fucking baby.

I can't tell which news stories are funnier. The Teslas that catch on fire or the ones that are set on fire.

Tesla stock is in a nosedive. That Roman salute probably wasn't the best idea, was it? And it didn't smooth things over when you supported the AfD in Germany. This is not cancel culture. It's how capitalism works. If you suck as a person nobody is going to want to buy your shit.

How is it both parties, Republicans and Democrats can't agree on something as simple as nuclear Armageddon? Goddam how dumb are you? It's pretty fucking simple. Do you want to go to war with Russia? You'd rather blow up the entire world over some stupid bullshit 5000 miles away?

Ukraine, Russia, Israel and Hamas all have universal healthcare. Let that sink in.

Democrats spent 20 years during the Global War on Terror not saying a goddam word. You finally open your mouth and sound like warmongering pimps. Sorry, not buying it. There is no flying fucking way you're going to get me to support your proxy war just because I hate Trump.

When people ask me if I support Ukraine, Russia, Zelensky or Trump, I tell them I support science. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists say we're 90 seconds to midnight on the Doomsday Clock, closer than we were during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Musk is only trying to get the government to run more like a business and more efficiently, so the trains run on time.

Maybe it's not so much Jew hater as is it way over the top mass freak out indiscriminate bombing hater. Or eye for an eye plus 40 times over hater.