I'm the BEST uncle

I tripped over nothing carrying a stack of books and it took me almost 1/8th of a mile to fall. If the front door had been open, I'd have ended up outside

I want you all to know that I weighed in at 222lbs, then pooped, and weighed in at 221.6lbs. Follow me for more weightloss tips

Those shorts are at least bi-curious

Tonight I grabbed a hot pan handle immediately after telling myself not to do that

Somewhere in an alternate universe, there's a Spiderman climbing a building with his suction capable butthole.

My thighs meet in the middle, don't talk to me with that tone.

I wanna see a historic plate on a '05 Honda Civic

Hey friends, if you fill up the bathtub for an Epsom salt soak because you're me, an old, please remember that water displacement is a thing. Whether you're 6'2 220lbs, or any size really. When you get in, the water level rises. Bathroom floor is clean now at least 😏

Accidentally said "My body, your choice" and now I'm being invited to a kink group on FB

The aggression of drivers when they're in the wrong needs to be studied.

Own 6k dragons and revive Betty White.

I'm gonna be 'Defying Gravity' after this double kicks in #Gershwin #Wicked #NYC

Tyler drew me this for my birthday 🥰

I got Tyler a lil planter for his desk ✨️🥰

Ikea, fake monitor cover: "Learg a Läjends"

Peak adulting is farting into your $300 air purifier to see if it works

Maybe I'm hyper sensitive today as I sit in the cancer center waiting to talk to my oncologist about my post-chemo memory problems 🥲😬

Dad has stabilized, surgery either Thursday or Friday. Thank you for all th le well wishes, thots, and pears

Dad is in the hospital because he didn't want to be a nuisance and bother my sister (whom he lives with). It's looking like he might not be a nuisance for much longer 😢 Please please please, if something is wrong or off, just speak up, someone will help you.

Frivolous purchase of the day? Giant Snorlax Squishmallow

Bought new art today, go check em out

I need you to understand the level of germophobe I am. If my ass hits the toilet seat, I have to shower. If this isn't possible, then whatever pants I'm wearing have to go through the wash because they touched toilet seat ass/thighs.

Meeeee

Guess who went out to get flowers because we found a ladybug in our apartment

Ted Lasso has leapt into top 5 shows. It's most likely top 3 alongside Schitts Creek and 30 Rock, but I'm going finish season 3 before I solidify that. I started the other day and can't stop. Top tier television.

Show me them skills!

If you remember me as a teenager, please stop doing that.

You're being judged

I've accepted my old and had to get a pill tracker 😭

I've spent the better part of today searching music off of Amazon Music (the app I was using) on Spotify so I could make the switch because F Amazon. I've found that consistently, the songs I like are not very listened to compared to each artists most streamed songs. Unintentional hipster?? 😂😭

I had more dough so I did it again

I was talked into "cat eye" nail polish and I don't hate it

Garlic knots anyone?

"Muffin wakes up each day with weak humps" - Dottedpots

Guess who cleared cache/cookies/etc not realizing it would wipe Palia tracker app that I had used to track everything I had, and what I was missing 😭

I'm in this photo and I like it ❤️

Pickles are Umbridge.

Homemade pizza 🐖🐖🐖

Good morning frens