EVERYONE’S CHEERING THE SANDWICH GUY ACQUITTAL. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HIS SUBWAY ORDER WAS.

THE ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE IS GONNA BE PISSED: www.ksn.com/news/your-lo...

DID THE BLUESKY ICON ON MY PHONE TURN A DARKER BLUE, OR AM I JUST HAVING A STROKE?

THIS FUCKWIT I WORK WITH IS TRYING TO INSIST THAT TORNADOES RARELY CROSS OVER RIVERS. I HAVE COMPLETELY TUNED HIM OUT, WONDERING WHICH CRYPTID IT WAS THAT CAN’T CROSS MOVING WATER. WAS IT VAMPIRES?

JOINING THE AARP BY WRITING OUT A CHECK AND SENDING IT IN THE MAIL.

OH, SHIT! THE MEATLOAF!

WHELP. LOOKS LIKE NEW PHONE TIME. ARE THERE ANY NEW ONES THAT AREN’T GINORMOUS?

(looks to the left) (looks to the right) (looks behind me) I’M ACTUALLY RATHER ENJOYING VTM: BLOODLINES 2! (runs like hell)

ONE ALWAYS SUSPECTS GRUNDARTANGI! icelandmonitor.mbl.is/news/news/20...

THE WIN PROBABILITY GRAPH FOR BRONCOS-GIANTS HAS TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HEART ATTACK.

IT’S MIKE BOBO TIME! (#ohno #ohshit)

VANDY MADE THEM CRY!

DIEGO FUCKING PAVIA JESUS

GREAT. JUST FOUND OUT ONE OF THE FUCKHEADS I WORK WITH IS A HOLOCAUST DENIER. JUST FUCKING GREAT.

ACTUAL WORDS I ACTUALLY POSTED ON THE ACTUAL INTERNET TODAY: “I HOPE BEING A PRINCESS WILL GET ME LAID.” THERE WILL BE NO EXPLANATION AT THIS TIME.

(calmly awaiting the NFL’s apology for what the Broncos and Jets did in London) … …WELL?

AAAND MY FEED COMPLETELY DIES AS EVERYONE GOES TO BED.

OH, LOOK, IT’S THIS “RUNNER ON 2ND WITH NO OUTS” BULLSHIT AGAIN.

BAZARDO!

HEAR ME OUT: BAT FIGHT.

JESUS HASHIMOTO CHRIST YOU’RE FIRED.

THAT’S AN AUTHENTIC FUCK-UP(tm) BRAND FUCK-UP RIGHT THERE.

BREAK ROOM UPDATE: TWO OF THE DOLTS HERE ARE TALKING ABOUT WEST VIRGINIA CRIPTIDS. THEY THINK THEY’RE REAL, AND THEY ARE AFRAID. WE ARE 1000 MILES AWAY FROM WEST VIRGINIA.

DENVER? DENVER!

I AM AT MY FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD USED BOOKSTORE, AND I HAVE JUST DONE HORRIBLE THINGS TO THEIR POOR TOILET. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO, LIKE, BUY THE ENTIRE SCIENCE FICTION SECTION TO MAKE UP FOR THIS.

SCHEELS: BECAUSE OF COURSE WE NEED A STORE WHERE YOU CAN BUY AN ASSAULT RIFLE, A POUND OF JELLY BELLYS, A NEW PUTTER, SOME LIVE BAIT, AND THE CATHEDRAL OF NOTRE DAME LEGO KIT. AND THEN GO RIDE THE FERRIS WHEEL.

UGGHH… GONNA BE A LONG WEEK. GONNA BE WORTH IT WHEN IT’S OVER, BUT… UGGHH…

COOK! YOUR! OWN! FOOD!

I’M THINKING OF GETTING UP REALLY EARLY TOMORROW, AND REALLY GETTING A LOT OF STUFF DONE. I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO, I’M JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

I REALLY HOPE THE RAPTURE WAITS UNTIL JIMMY’S MONOLOGUE TOMORROW NIGHT.

GOOD GOD. BELICHICK AND SCOTT FROST ON THE SAME FIELD. THERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME FOR A BIG GIANT METEOR.

FRID

OOPS!

THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST TWO MINUTE DRILL I’VE EVER SEEN WORK.

HE KICKED THE DICK OFF THAT BALL!

HOLY SHIT, SO MANY STUPID CHARLIE KIRK TAKES AT WORK TODAY. I ISED TO THINK THAT IDIOCRACY WAS A DOCUMENTARY. I’M STARTING TO THINK THAT MOVIE GIVES US TOO MUCH CREDIT.

THE SOUP OF THE DAY AT CASA DE METH IS “cream of WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BO NIX!”

MIAMI LOST BY HOW MUCH? LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE BREAKING OUT THE SAD COCAINE ON SOUTH BEACH TONIGHT.

WHEN I SAW THE ONLY EARLY GAME ON TV HERE WAS STEELERS - JETS, I DAMN NEAR RENOUNCED ALL MODERN SOCIETY AND JOINED THE AMISH.

DELAWARE?

OH, BAYLOR. YOU STUPID, STUPID FUCKS.

NICE SIDEWAYS SPIRAL ON THAT JUMP PASS THERE.

FIRST TEAM TO 20 WINS. IOWA AND IOWA ST COULD BE HERE ALL DAY.

WHAM!

IS CALLING HIM NATE “COLLOIDAL” SILVER A THING? I FEEL IT COULD BE A THING.

STUFFED!

I WOULD SAY RFK Jr AND HIS BRAINWORM CAN TAKE TURNS KISSING MY ASS, BUT I DON’T WANNA CATCH WHAT THEY’VE GOT.

DO YOU EVER WONDER IF INSPECTOR GADGET HAS CYBERPSYCHOSIS?

HOO BOY, WHAT A MOOD I’M IN. IT’S A BRIGHT SUNSHINY DAY AND THAT’S PISSING ME OFF.

IN THE BREAK ROOM AT WORK. THE NEW GUY IS FINDING OUT THAT THE FULL-OF-SHIT GUY IS, INDEED, FULL OF SHIT.