DOINK!

LOOKS LIKE THEY’LL BE SMOKING THE SAD METH IN JACKSONVILLE TONIGHT.

D’OH!

TOO EARLY! TOO SOON!

OOO! THERE’S AN AMBULANCE IN FRONT OF THE ARBY’S! LOOKS LIKE MY BEEF ‘N CHEDDAR IS COMING WITH A SIDE OF DRAMA!

COWBOYS VS GIANTS? FUCK YOU, FOX! I WANT FALCONS VS SAINTS! I DEMAND YOU SHOW ME ASS VS ASS TO DETERMINE WHICH OTHER PILE OF ASS WINS THE NFC ASS!

I’M FINE! I’M NOT DEHYDRATED! URINE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE ORANGE TOOTHPASTE!

THIS FUCKING ROSE PARADE IS CURRENTLY BEING SHOWN ON FOUR -FOUR!- DIFFERENT CHANNELS. I HAVE NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING LESS.

WOO! DISHES AND GUNFIRE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! (I did the dishes, not the gunfire)

NOW’S THE TIME TO CLEAN UP ON AFTER-CHRISTMAS BARGAINS! ORNAMENTS, WRAPPING PAPER, MISTLETOE TRAMP STAMP TATTOOS, ALL DIRT CHEAP!

DID THEY EVER CATCH THAT ESCAPED POP-TART?

A POP-TART HAS BROKEN CONTAINMENT! WE HAVE A ROGUE POP-TART!

YOU’RE HERE FOR A WELL-MATCHED FOOTBALL GAME BETWEEN TWO TOUGH, PHYSICAL, DISCIPLINED TEAMS. I AM HERE TO SEE POP-TARTS GET RITUALISTICALLY MURDERED. WE ARE NOT THE SAME.

BEST. FAKE PUNT. EVER.

THE LAUNDROMAT ON XMAS DAY IS … NOT CROWDED, BUT A LOT BUSIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

OH, LOOK, A PORTAL TO HELL JUST OPENED UP NORTH OF TOWN: www.kake.com/home/guests-...

FIFTY SIX! THIS GAME IS NOT REAL.

SIXTY!

RIVERS WITH A TWO MINUTE DRILL FOR THE WIN? OR WILL HE DROP BACK AND GO DOWN WITH A SCIATICA FLARE-UP?

SEAHAWKS FANS: ARE YOU PISSING BLOOD YET? BECAUSE IF I WERE A SEAHAWKS FAN, I’D BE PISSING BLOOD RIGHT NOW.

RIVERS JUST THREW A TD! THAT’S 0.6 POINTS FOR EACH OF HIS KIDS!

ARMY-NAVY GAME, BUT THE FIRST TEAM TO COMPLETE FIFTY PASSES WINS.

AFTER ELEVEN HOURS OF PISSING EXCELLENCE AT THIS JOB, IT’S TIME FOR A BEER!

NFC SOUTH IS SO FUCKED, ATLANTA’S GOING TO FIND A WAY TO WIN THIS THING DESPITE BEING ELIMINATED.

I REALLY NEED TO GET UP INTO THAT SHOWER, BUT THAT MEANS GETTING UP OFF OF THIS COZY, COZY FLOOR…

ONE MORE TURNOVER? SURE, FUCK, WHY NOT?

DOINK!

LET’S GO ASS!

DID I COME IN HERE TO POOP, OR DID I COME IN HERE TO HIDE?

THE ATTENDANT IN THIS LAUNDROMAT IS BASICALLY MAMA FRATELLI FROM THE GOONIES.

HERE’S ZEKE, SLEEPING SO HARD HIS LEGS FELL OFF:

AS SOMEONE WHO LIVED IN NEBRASKA FOR FIVE YEARS SOME TIME AGO, WATCHING IOWA THUMP THOSE FUCKERS 40-16 WILL HAVE ME RAMDOMLY BREAKING INTO GIGGLES FOR MONTHS TO COME. YAY!

THIS SUPERMARKET IS PLAYING ELEVATOR JAZZ, BUT PLAYING IT CRAZY LOUD. LIKE, IT’S HARD TO HAVE A CONVERSATION IN HERE, THAT’S HOW LOUD IT IS. SOMEBODY HERE SURE LOVES THEIR MUZAK.

I JUST REALIZED: WHEN THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA, AND LOST THAT GOLDEN FIDDLE, IT WAS BECAUSE COUNTRY MUSIC WAS MORE EVIL THAN ANYTHING SATAN HIMSELF COULD COOK UP.

CANS!

SAVED!

SO, WHEN I REINSTALLED EVERYTHING ON THE NEW PHONE, THE REDDIT APP WAS… DIFFERENT. NO BIG DEAL, I THOUGHT. I PROBABLY JUST NEVER UPDATED THE THING. WELL. I’M SCROLLING OVER THERE THIS MORNING, AND THE APP JUST, REVERTED? BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS? MID-SCROLL? IT KIND OF CREEPED ME OUT.

SHEDEUR PLAYED TODAY? LET’S SEE HOW HE DID… (looking it up) OH. OH, DEAR GOD. THE HORROR! THE HORROR…

FREE PATTON!

I’M THINKING THIS IS GOING TO BE MY LAST IPHONE. TRANSFERRING ALL MY SHIT FROM THE OLD TURD TO THIS TURD HAS BEEN IMPOSSIBLE, AND I HAVEN’T EVEN TRIED FUCKING WITH MY NOTORIOUSLY FINICKY ITUNES LIBRARY YET. WE’RE TALKING WINDOWS VISTA LEVELS OF BULLSHIT, HERE.

EVERYONE’S CHEERING THE SANDWICH GUY ACQUITTAL. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HIS SUBWAY ORDER WAS.

THE ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE IS GONNA BE PISSED: www.ksn.com/news/your-lo...

DID THE BLUESKY ICON ON MY PHONE TURN A DARKER BLUE, OR AM I JUST HAVING A STROKE?

THIS FUCKWIT I WORK WITH IS TRYING TO INSIST THAT TORNADOES RARELY CROSS OVER RIVERS. I HAVE COMPLETELY TUNED HIM OUT, WONDERING WHICH CRYPTID IT WAS THAT CAN’T CROSS MOVING WATER. WAS IT VAMPIRES?

JOINING THE AARP BY WRITING OUT A CHECK AND SENDING IT IN THE MAIL.

OH, SHIT! THE MEATLOAF!

WHELP. LOOKS LIKE NEW PHONE TIME. ARE THERE ANY NEW ONES THAT AREN’T GINORMOUS?

(looks to the left) (looks to the right) (looks behind me) I’M ACTUALLY RATHER ENJOYING VTM: BLOODLINES 2! (runs like hell)

ONE ALWAYS SUSPECTS GRUNDARTANGI! icelandmonitor.mbl.is/news/news/20...

THE WIN PROBABILITY GRAPH FOR BRONCOS-GIANTS HAS TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HEART ATTACK.