My Willy was briefly in the Guinness book of records until the librarian told me to take it out. #pun #guinnessbookofRecord

Old McDonald had a virtual farm. A I A I O. #puns

Old McDonald had a virtual farm. Ai Ai Ai I #puns

I have the odd job man a list of 10 things I wanted him to do but he only did jobs 3,5 and 7. #puns

What do I know about Bonsai Trees? Very little.

Some historians claim that Nelson was the finest military strategist. Other historians think that he was not all there. #Nelson #Pun

My wife is currently running across Europe naked. She’s on a Duolingo streak. #Duolingo

My wife had a gender reveal party last night. I just wish he had done it before we got married! #GenderReveal

I’ve got lots of jokes about rowing but most of them are awful! #puns #rowing

If you call a naughty child a little monster it can scar them for life but if you stun them with a taser the marks will disappear in days. #ParentingTips

I have been in London for over 24 hours without witnessing a single stabbing or mugging, can I claim a refund.

I ran to the paint shop to get thinner but it didn’t work. #puns

I’m not impressed by my new American Gothic garden. I won’t be hiring a portrait gardener again. #puns #gardening

What is the difference between an Iguana and a bearded dragon? I’m not married to an Iguana. #IguanaJokes

I’m not very happy with my America Gothic garden. That’s the last time I’ll be using a portrait gardener! #puns #gardening

I just read an obituary which said that the deceased lit up any room he entered. - He was an arsonist!

What’s the difference between a soft cheese and a hard cheese? A hard cheese comes with its own knife.

I was so anxious when doing the caterpillar diet that I ended up with butterflies in my stomach. #puns #diets

I once went out with a woman for a year and didn’t realise she was a communist. I can’t believe I missed all the red flags. #puns

I've just joined the German equivalent of alcoholics anonymous because their approach to quitting drinking is so much quicker. Ein zwie dry. #pubs

I went to Caesars Palace with my wife but they wouldn’t lettuce in. #puns

Scientists are working 24/7 to find a cure for insomnia. #insomnia #puns

Why did the Cornish pasty go to the dentist? Because it had lost its filling. #puns

If you liquidised the head of the Catholic church would you get a pope puree? #puns

I went to a restaurant called Karma, it didn’t have any menus you just got what you deserved. #puns #Karma

My car was in collision with a lorry carrying Bic pens. It is now a complete write off. #puns

I did a 12 inch poo today, it was a foot stool. #puns

My local priest is called Father Cannelloni. I say priest but he is actually more of a pasta. #puns

I told the doctor that all I ever think about is cocker spaniels. He said that I must have a breed on the brain. #puns #dogs

Jeremy Clarkson thinks he should have a Nobel prize for being outstanding in his field. #puns #Clarkson

Growing your own herbs can be very thyme consuming. #puns

I desperately trying to interview the world's best wrestler but he is a hard man to pin down. #puns

I've just been beaten up by 6 dwarves. Not Happy. #puns

I often take a nap in a bath full of petit pois - that's because I like to rest in peas. #puns