Introduce yourself as what almost killed you: 1) Antibiotic Resistant - c.diff, don't look it up 2) Big Swole(n appendix) 3) Kidney Stone - Felt like I was dying, and then (4) drove myself to the ER while vomiting in pain from said kidney stone 5) Excitable Immune System - Anaphylaxis, let's go!

Day 1 of my New Year's Resolution: Never Miss A Day

Marble Cringles!

I slowly make bad decisions before coffee. After, though? I make them faster 😎

HOW TO FEEL ALIVE

who gave her coffee

Just imagine if P=NP. You could deterministically find the worst posts in polynomial time instead of exponentially scrolling through my timeline #compsci

Adult braces rule. Everyone thinks I got kicked in the teeth fighting Baddies, and not that I spent a lifetime ignoring my misaligned mouth bones

Forget Facebook, the only Meta I want in my feed is Metamucil [ages two decades in a single post]

Cheers to anyone who got one of my Big Mood stickers at #MFF2025 I'll get a ton more and make them rain at cons next year.

Five Tips I Learned at #MFF2025: 1) Start each day with a good breakfast, even if it means taking an uber 2) Water is your friend: hydrate and shower 3) Set a budget for dealers den 4) Azathoth watches from the Center of Infinity and it induces madness to comprehend the Outer Gods 5) Bring stickers!

"Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" he said, seven coffee deep and still grumpfy

I hate people who clap when the plane lands - have some class. I formally bow and throw a bouquet of roses into the turbine

Terrible sports crowd here. I’ve been cheering for an hour straight and trying to get a wave going, but all I get is angry looks from other people on the plane

In retrospect, reading Les Misérables in elementary school was A Choice

They only weigh your checked luggage, right? [me, smuggling eight thousand billion tons of neutrons in my carry-on]

On how my permavore OC reframes the societal impact of Alexander the Great’s Egyptian conquest: Thread [1 / 765]

Spirit Airlines: I swear if y’all throw another haymaker, I’m turning this plane around

Spirit Airlines: Don’t You Dare Talk to Us. Just Don’t

No matter how much things change, it’s comforting to have one constant in my life: Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out absolutely destroying my body

Spirit Airlines: We put the hospital in hospitality

Spirit Airlines: Where the only thing complementary is the fist fights

Day 43 of waiting to disembark at O’Hare: Social order has broken down. The First Classers have torn themselves apart, and the Cabin Tribe refuses to communicate with outsiders. Business Class is on the clock and just vibing

There’s something so funny about planes driving on bridges. Like buddy, cars can only dream of your vertical, take off

I swear, if there is a single unstickered surface after #MFF, I am disappoint. Art is by the amazing @halybs.bsky.social, and I added some shading to give the stickers a little pop

Room is booked, tail is floofed, let's go #FWA2006

Hot Take: Raisins were a mistake. Nature intended for grapes to remain juicy, and only the hubris of man would defy such a fruit

Chain-smoking noir detective finally links the last clue: [gravel muttering] Like a ferris wheel orgy, it all comes full circle

"Hey! You aren't allowed on the counter. Get down from there!" Me, crouching like a gargoyle: YOU DON'T OWN ME

Someday I'll find a hobby that doesn't consume my heart and soul so much that I begin monetizing it and turn it into a self-funded side gig, but it is not this day.

Need to warm up my "I AM THE LAW" muscles to play Arbites in #darktide

My new bed frame is but the first in my new hobby of collecting bed frames. Thank you algorithm, and thanks for your perfectly targeted ads

Pouring hot tap water into the machine, just so boiling it is easier for Mr. Coffee. It's called philanthropy, people. #selfless

Achievement Unlocked: You’re Old [A song you remember as a new release just played at the grocery store]

Nothing hits quite like solving a problem your own dumb ass caused

3D printer songs - what’s your favorite? Mine’s the all time classic: bwee-bwee-bwee chucka-chucka-chucka

Mystery solved: it was ghosts

This 3D print keeps failing to adhere. I wonder if it’s the z height, bed temp, or the model’s 3mm² contact area to the bed. It truly is a mystery

Ahh, Friday. No greater day to come after Thursday and before Saturday. Truly the last day before the weekend. One of the best days to start with F

Step aside #Switch2, we all know #Nintendo peaked with this banger

3D printers are the future. Sure, they’re expensive, but they’re also error prone and tempermental.

Programming is great, the code only does what you tell it to! And this [gestures to yesterday’s code] tells me to suffer

Why can’t we have dedicated months for the other deadly sins? I want Wrath Month, so I can hate on bigots and homophobes even harder

It can’t get any worse [the universe, cracking its knuckles]: …

“You know what they say, Carp Diem” [me, still not sure what the Fish of the Day is]: Well, I came here, I saw the menu, and I’ll just take the large pasta rounds. [waiter, nodding sagely] “Venti Vermiceli”

I throw my sixteenth pair of scissors into the ceiling. "Flawless"

I hate getting blood tests, when the phlebotomist drinks it right in front of you. Like come one, at least put away the cloak and let some sunlight into the doctor's chambers, haha. Serious pain in the neck

[me, an experienced Ligma-ologist, standing in Deez, Iowa. Looking up at Butte Mountain]: No words, they should have sent a bofa ... [an innocent]: What's a bofa? I begin to weep tears of joy

[dusting myself off, facing my nemesis]: I don’t have your super powers, or your 200IQ, or your army of minions, [nemesis, levitating]: Haha, I will always- [me]: or your stable income, or health care, or [me two hours later, nemesis in tears] and my back does that popping thing if I sit at an angle

Waking in a cold sweat to frantically write mankind's most beautiful idea. Reading it in the morning: <Three pugs on a t-shirt, it says "All My Homies Hate Capitalism">