Flipping off a cybertruck is so much less satisfying in mittens 😟

The running theme between the Epstein story, banning trans healthcare for minors, religious homeschooling and the complaints about adult children estranging themselves is a fundamental American belief that children are property with no rights of their own

I took 8 to get her ears pierced today and she exited the shop with a cheerful but pointed "Bye! I hope I never see you again!!" and I've never admired her social skills more than I did in that moment 😂. Can I get away with that at 43?

Me: So this is a turn of the century Italian pop band... Mr Feesh: Turn of the century? Which century? The 20th? My love, there are *electric guitars* playing in your ear right now, what century do you *think* we're turning here??

Her face when she really needs some cuddles but I won't stop singing It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Melog while I pet her 🤣

Ever get so distracted arguing with an 8 year old about the difference between slashes and hyphens while you're writing a quick note to school that you misspell your own name TWICE ? 😅

what I want trans kids, queer kids, and gender nonconforming kids to know: you are loved you are so much more powerful than the ghouls using your healthcare as a political pawn, and you WILL outlive them (they know this, and it is why they're attacking you)

Yo, crazy idea, maybe we scale these adhd questionnaires for age because my closely supervised 8 year old has very few opportunities to mug grandmas and commit arson? Maybe some questions about baby crimes like stealing Halloween candy from a sibling would be more relevant to 2nd graders???

We here in the Bystander household are going through it. If you have some spare anything I would be so grateful. And I will work on She-Ra fics exclusively. And post cat photos. gofund.me/278a39a4b

I'm pretty sure the last leg of tonight's trip home from Boston is gonna be hitching a ride with a polka band, at this point. Thankfully I'm only about 20 minutes from home, not 11 hours 😅

I didn't want to stand up ever again anyway 🤷

Don't forget to work hard so you, too, can get a promotion that immediately cancels itself out by disqualifying your family from healthcare subsidies and increases your monthly insurance premium x5! Best country in the world!!!

This impulsive half-formed idea turned out even better than I'd hoped! I have a backpack I love but it's just one giant void inside. Couldn't find an organizer insert I liked online so I bought a couch arm remote organizer and a flexible cutting board and made some ADHD magic happen 😂

It's 2 days later and I'm almost done with the third unnecessary craft project and some I am NOT beset with regret? Everything is doing what I expected it to do? Faster than anticipated? Perplexing.

Love at first bite 😍

5 days before I go out of town and a few weeks before Christmas is the perfect time to pick up 3 new unnecessary craft projects! Right? Right???

Setting: a fresh round of a game of Guess the Video Game Kids: What console is it on? Me: I'm not sure about newer versions but when I played it was on Sega. Kids: Huh?? Me: Sega Genesis? 8: Can I say the F word? Me: if you're not being mean with it, sure. 8: What the FUCK is a Sega Genesis?????

You get offered a lot of kittens when your spouse works in vetmed and eventually you grow a thick kitten-repellent shell but holy shit, this kitten we just got offered just shattered that shell in one look, she is so fucking cute it hurts, help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I love the book exchange my book club does every year because December hits and I suddenly cannot remember reading and enjoying a single book ever.

It's half an hour after bedtime and your annoying sister keeps tap tap tapping you on the leg to see if you're still awake

My child just looked me dead in the eye and told me "modern people spell stuff with one F"

Transanta season is upon us!!! If anyone you know has some extra cash this holidays season and wants to make a difference, send them here!! www.transanta.com

BEANS

I just realized I scheduled myself for 3 appointments and 2 parties in the next 7 days. What the fuck was Past Feesh THINKING???

All the people who helped bring a little magic to the kids who were missing out on so many events and holidays - the friends who sent little Halloween treats to my kids because they couldn't trick or treat, the guy who dressed as Santa and drove around in his convertible for outdoor photos, etc.

8's been begging me to draw her a picture of our cats, no problem, right? 8 year olds aren't picky. I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. 90% of the work was figuring out how to draw a cat with a mustache who didn't look exactly like Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt as a cat 😂

We were out of town until last night so we didn't contribute much to dinner today, but I *did* stay up late to overbake a pie after chasing kids around a waterpark all day, then trip as we were leaving the house and hit the wall pie first, so honestly it's a miracle it looks this good 😂

The kids insisted I look up Eevee to show everyone at Thanksgiving and you'll *never* guess what the *first* result was. I nearly pissed myself laughing in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner.

The best part of marriage is accidentally alarming your spouse with shared to-do list entries 🤣🤣🤣 (It's an ink drawing of a mushroom patch in a forest that my mom did back when she was interesting, that we talked about me taking home when we're at her place on Thanksgiving)

This is how you know he's from the suburbs, a real Chicago Pope would have kicked things off with Percolator

It's shaping up to be a chocolate for breakfast at 11am kind of day

I overheard Mr Feesh use the phrase "wet signature" on a work call today and I may never recover

I've spent most of my life wondering how different it would be with my dad in it so I am speaking with authority when I say absofuckinglutely not. This is ghoulish. Better to have limited memories than hallucinate fake ones based on random stereotypes of what that person's role should be.

Borb

UNFATHOMABLE DEPTHS OF FUCKERY

I got this one too, my favorite part was them telling me my account was suspended right on the platform where my account was clearly working just fine 😂 But seriously, this is a good refresher into how these scams work, especially since they're not always so laughably obvious.

BEANS

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin. I was a late 90s baby gay, craving community in so many ways, and I stumbled across (I think) my first queer novel at a used bookstore. It was a connection to queer joy, community, love, history, and tragedy that I wasn't prepared for but desperately needed.

New: The Supreme Court DENIES Kim Davis' request to overturn Obergefell, the marriage equality decision. No noted dissents. www.supremecourt.gov/orders/court...

Hello friends!! I am so lucky to say that I got to be a part of this huge charity anthology, in which we were simply given the prompt “Dark”. All proceeds will be donated to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund 🖤❤️💚 Please consider checking it out!! Links to purchase are in the next tweet x

We shut down the garden today so dinner is raclette round 2. 4 varieties of potato, fresh parsley and chives, and both cornichons and horseradish pickles are all from the garden. I'm so serious, kids, if you have room for a few grow bags, fresh potatoes are very little work and so fucking worth it.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!! (Raclette season)

It's impressive how my mother keeps inventing new forms of fuckery at her age. I'd have expected the fuckery well to run dry years ago. Shouldn't we be stuck in reruns at this point?

Reposting because, and I say this with love, some of you are going to see this and go “oh shit, I need to check my bottle” and then immediately forget about it so if this could affect you, go check right now before you even scroll to the next post, I mean it.

This needs more attention: Zohran SPLIT the straights with Cuomo. ALL of his margin was from LGBTQ+ voters. Every Dem who ever said “we should abandon the transes” needs this shoved down their fucking throat with a ramrod.

I have a sleep appointment coming up and this pre-visit questionnaire is BULLLLLLLSHIT. A low score on your "how likely are you to doze off doing X" sleepiness scale doesn't mean I'm not perpetually exhausted, guys, it means MY BRAIN WON'T SLEEP AT 2PM EITHER.

This spicy little shit just BIT A TINY HOLE in my signed copy of Scarlet Morning out of nowhere 😭🤣 What the fuck, Sea Hawk?

Impeccable murder vibes at this house

We had one guy make REALLY SURE she knew KPDH was back in theaters and I know he meant well, but holy shit, dude, if you're not putting movie tickets in the ToT bags shut up! We wouldn't have been able to go if Mr F didn't have plans canceled last minute, please don't hype up events to random kids 😭

Happy Halloween! I'm really thrilled with how this one turned out! Except maybe the part where none of my hair plans worked and I ended up frantically painting a swim cap at 1am 🤣🤣🤣