So we’re being told not to eat fruits and vegetables and avoid excessive exercise outdoors. I’ve never felt so ahead of the curve in my life.

The book was better.

Finally figured out who these rants reminded me of:

Next Year’s Mark Twain Award winner:

Two famous people died over the weekend- one was terrible, the other was Sam Neill. The passing of this great actor has opened a floodgate of stories and reminiscences . Some of these were from his friends. Some were from people who met him briefly, on the street or in an airport.

Art Carney in HOUSE CALLS [At burial service] Dr. Willoughby: Throughout history, all great innovators were never really appreciated until they were dead. You're dead now Harry... an' we appreciate it!

Just rented an excellent new office at a surprisingly low rate in New York’s beautiful Pfizer Building. It’s on the twelfth floor but I’m reliably informed that by next week I’ll be able to enter through the lobby. (Yeah, it’s a local joke but it’s the best you can get at these prices.)

Looking forward to Trump’s speech in the 101 degree heat.

“No, sorry, I won’t marry you.” (Nudge)

Happy Melcentennial!

“It was me! I cut the 350 foot slit in the Reflecting Pool! I couldn’t help myself!” Happy Birthday anyway, Peter Lorre!

Another Mamdani triumph!

Happy Father’s Day to those who celebrate!

"Chaplin wasn't the funniest. I wasn't the funniest. This man was the funniest." -- Buster Keaton on Stan Laurel. Today's the birthday of the man who was the heart and soul of movie comedy.

Starting this fall, every Sunday night at 7 on CBS, It’s NEWSMEN UNLEASHED with your host Byron Allen and his guests Matt Lauer, Brian Williams, Charlie Rose and the late Tex Antoine. The best “60 Minutes” you’ll ever spend!

Just booked for The Great American State Fair:

Who says CBS is no longer “The Tiffany Network “?

But I wanna tell ya it’s Bob Hope’s birthday!

How bad do you have to be for Milli Vanilli to cancel on you?

Only one thing can top that - Byron Allen!

Not only do the jokes write themselves, they hand deliver themselves to every comedy show on television.

Wherever Henry Fonda has a birthday, he’ll be there.

I have no idea what this picture of Vincent Price is from but I think it might be the best picture I’ve ever seen!

Hmmm. I really need to buy a birthday present for the great Frank Nelson. I’ll just ask this man. Oh, Mister! Mister!

It’s Orson Welles’ birthday! Little known fact: the last three pages of this story were directed by Robert Wise:

This kid missed the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever.

There are eight million stories in the Naked City. This has been one of them.

And just like that it needs to be disinfected again.

“Look! I found your sled in the closet, sir!” - Andy Serkis’ CITIZEN KANE.

Can anyone prove that he wasn’t shot?

Has anyone checked the President’s ear?

Not the first time Trump evacuated in public.

It’s Shirley MacLaine’s birthday and I’m posting this picture of Shirley vamping Jerry Lewis in ARTISTS AND MODELS because if I don’t, who will?

Mortimer says what?

A giant still walks amongst us. Her name is Elaine May and today is her birthday.

For Harold Lloyd’s birthday, my three essays for Criterion, including my booklet essay for their special edition of THE FRESHMAN; www.criterion.com/current/post... www.criterion.com/current/post... www.criterion.com/current/post...

It’s Hayley Mills’ birthday and I highly recommend her memoir FOREVER YOUNG, an affectionate but clear eyed look at growing up famous and working for Walt Disney.

For Charlie Chaplin’s birthday, the third of three essays I wrote for Criterion: www.criterion.com/current/post...

For Charlie Chaplin’s birthday, the second of three essays I wrote for Criterion: www.criterion.com/current/post...

For Charlie Chaplin’s birthday, the first of three essays I wrote for Criterion: www.criterion.com/current/post...

Michael Gandolfini looks like the Muppet version of his father.

When your only defense against being tasteless is to be an ifiot.

It was inevitable once Vance announced he would campaign for him.

I see the sets for the new Leni Riefenstahl film are going up.

GIVE HIM THE FUCKING PEACE PRIZE ALREADY!

World Ends at 8PM News at 11