The grocery store had a sign that said “Free Fish!” but I wasn’t excited… I knew there would be a catch. #Dadjoke #Joke

My son told me he threw a ball over 100 yards for our dog to catch. I said that's far fetched. #Dadjoke #Joke

Just got Gucci tattooed on my balls. Looks like the wife will get her designer bag after all. #Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a flock of sheep falling down a hill? A lamb-slide #Dadjoke #Joke

My wife texted me while I was at the store: please don’t forget to pick up some feminine products, it’s urgent! I wrote back, “No problemo!” Honestly, it caught me off guard how pissed she was when I came home with flowers, lip gloss, scented candles, and a romance novel. #Dadjoke #Joke

A square, a triangle and a rectangle walk into a bar... Bartender says "looks like you guys could use a round!" #Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a ghost that haunts a chicken coop? A poultrygeist #Dadjoke #Joke

I used to have a coworker who was really good at Excel, but unfortunately, always gossiped about everyone else. She really loved to spreadsheet. #Dadjoke #Joke

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get for you?” “Pop” goes the weasel. #Dadjoke #Joke

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known she had a history of violins. #Dadjoke #Joke

My girlfriend crashed the car again today. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said "Mam, he can do what he likes in his own living room." #Dadjoke #Joke

What letter keeps a Pirate calm? P, without it they become irate. #Dadjoke #Joke

Danny almost lost a chess game and got so mad he flipped the table. Now the tables have turned. #Dadjoke #Joke

The Cop said, "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." I said, "Wait! I can explain everything!" #Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop! #Dadjoke #Joke

I just had an officer at my door saying he was looking for a guy with one eye. I told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker. #Dadjoke #Joke

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left! #Dadjoke #Joke

I reversed into a car in the supermarket carpark, a very irritable dwarf jumped out and said; "I'm not happy!" I replied, “Which one are you then?" #Dadjoke #Joke

A waitress asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers. We went 3 rounds before she knocked me out. #Dadjoke #Joke

I heard the more colorful your salad, the better it is for you. So I replaced my croutons with Skittles. #Dadjoke #Joke

Aladdin has been banned from the upcoming Magic Carpet Race. He tested positive for using performance enhancing rugs. #Dadjoke #Joke

I once asked for a Rum and Coke, and the bartender said "Is Pepsi ok?” I sad: "No, I'd definitely prefer Rum." #Dadjoke #Joke

My wife gave me an envelope with, “Not to be opened until 2027” on it. Inside was a list of reasons I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions. #Dadjoke #Joke

My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke. No one found that humerus. #Dadjoke #Joke

BREAKING: Taylor and Travis's engagement has been called off. A video review showed that Travis's knee never actually touched the ground. The ruling on the field is reversed. #Dadjoke #Joke

Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs? They're afraid of stakeholders. #Dadjoke #Joke

Every time I try to order corn online… It’s out of stalk! #Dadjoke #Joke

I saw a 65 year old man driving to work when a wheel fell off his car. That was the day he decided to retire. #Dadjoke #Joke

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m okay but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. #Dadjoke #Joke

I told my wife: "Your underwear is way too tight." She said, "Then wear your own." #Dadjoke #Joke

My lawyer said I had a strong case against a guy who defaced my freshly poured cement. He said my evidence was concrete. #Dadjoke #Joke

I named my toilet Jim instead of John. It makes me feel great to say I went to the Jim each morning. #Dadjoke #Joke

I told my wife that my tattoo artist was really frustrating me. She said don’t let them get under your skin. #Dadjoke #Joke

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it." #Dadjoke #Joke

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer… Plus it’s REALLY fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. #Dadjoke #Joke

I got really angry with my gps today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house. #Dadjoke #Joke

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "I can't sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said. "We've got a party going on in here, come in." #Dadjoke #Joke

When my grandad turned 90 he declared he was going to start walking a mile a day for his health. He’s 92 now and we have no idea where he is. #Dadjoke #Joke

On our weekend anniversary getaway, I told my wife, “You can be on top tonight…all night long if you want. I can handle it.” She muttered, “I can’t believe I let you book this hotel suite, as she looked at the bunk beds” #Dadjoke #Joke

My sister was telling me how last year it cost her $20 to get 50 balloons blown up for my niece's birth, but this year it cost $30 and they didn't even blow them up as big. I said, "unfortunately we have little control over inflation". #Dadjoke #Joke

I came home today to find my wife left a note on the TV saying "this isn't working" Imagine my relief when I pressed the button and it switched on fine. #Dadjoke #Joke

I tried to start a hide and seek club. But good players are hard to find. #Dadjoke #Joke

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack! #Dadjoke #Joke

After 30 years of marriage my wife suddenly wanted to swap places on our bed… I’ve never seen this side of her before! #Dadjoke #Joke

I installed a high voltage security fence around my property. My neighbour is dead against it. #Dadjoke #Joke

Why did A and B run out of the ocean? C weed #Dadjoke #Joke

My mother always said, "Work hard and save your money, until your bank account looks like a phone number. Available balance is $9.11 #Dadjoke #Joke

My son introduced me to his new girlfriend who works at the zoo. After they left I told my wife, “She’s a keeper.” #Dadjoke #Joke

I’m going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week... I just can’t see myself wearing it. #Dadjoke #Joke

A man was in court for stealing a bag and was sentenced in under three minutes. It was a brief case. #Dadjoke #Joke