Breaking: Nigel Farage (pictured) calls for immediate General Election as Kier Starmer steps down as PM.

This is just my diet

How can you accuse me of no personal growth when I have all this underarm fungus?

I dont wear my glasses out in public much so I can't really see that far, so I just assume everyone is beautiful until they get close enough to prove me wrong.

I made this. This is art.

I wonder what Albert the 5th Musketeer is up to these days.

Tax them, cook them, eat them.

All this talk of eating the rich is short-sighted and irresponsible. We need to sustainably farm the rich.

This hot dog is flirting with me.

From Blood Orange Vampires

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not made of cake. Blood Pudding is a ridiculous horror comedy short I wrote for this collection, featuring sentient and extremely hostile desserts of various kinds. #booksky #indiebooks www.endlessinkbooks.com/blogs/review...

It's me. I'm that gangrel creature.

I'm thinking of bloodmaxxing. Just getting, like, way more blood.

Grab the bull by the worms.

Zombies spiders are the worst.

Another whole day? For only one dollar?

I'll have three shots of whiskey and your breakfast menu, please.

I grew up in a small fish town. In fact, the fish was so small, there was barely room for us to live.

You might say to me "Jim, simply leave the mayonnaise behind for stealth missions." But then what will I put on my sandwiches? Pocket lint? A ridiculous suggestion.

A stealthy approach has become impossible due to the clinking of my mayonnaise jars.

No matter how much butter you put on your potatoes it will never be enough. Life is futile.

People are asking me: Jim, do you prefer spicy noods or cheesy noods? Honestly I'll take either.

I'm hilarious on Tiktok, you guys

If you're not going to use the frog pipe, what's even the point of smoking?

I fear there's been a terrible misunderstanding. When I said I wanted "noods" I was talking about noodles.

Remember when Vince McMahon fired her and she went over to wrestle for WCW as "Dark Erika"? Honestly one of the better heel turns in professional wrestling.

And when I carved him open, I learned the most terrible truth in the world. Inside the bowels of the God Emperor was the shit of an ordinary man.

Tombstone shadow Guess you better slow your tombstone down.

That's not very babygirl of you - me when the self service machine doesn't recognise my item in the bagging area.

I'm unlicensed in many things - archaeology is just one of them.

The American and French peoples have a beautiful alliance that dates back to the founding of the US. To honour this, Americans refuse to pronounce the h in "herb".

Don't bury my body. I don't want to get mudmogged by the planet. Don't let the worms munchmogg me bro. Bro, please. I don't want to get compostmogged by the grass.

Pro-tip: you can comment "needs more cheese" on basically anything.

The dream is that one day I will have a child that grows up to be a successful comedian and they tell everyone all the funny stuff I say at home.

As an unlicensed medical practitioner, I can assure you that it is very important to have a little piece of peppered salami when you're feeling sad.

Is it still January? Feels like January

"All hail the GodMomEmpress!" - ants, probably

An attempt to look sophisticated

You can have the Sunday blues every day if you simply come unstuck from linear time.

I'm just trying my best, guys.

I know eye contact is important but I get so sore from rubbing my eyeballs on everyone.

My hinges are increasingly un

Have you considered simply widening the tube?

If Microsoft Office could stop restarting all my apps whenever my back is turned, that would be great.

I think the internet peaked with "Please. My rabbit. He is very sick."

Merry Chocolate, everyone!

I could hear the beating of the hideous heart. Unfortunately, it was inside the chest of the most beautiful person I knew. They had to die.

Your stripper name is the name of your last victim and where you buried the body 👀