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I really miss the 90' and early 00s Idk why but things felt just nicer. Designs were more fun. Houses were colorful people wore more different and fun clothes. Things tasted better and there was just such a more human feel to the world.

I am afraid of everything ahead but more than anything i am afraid of my weakness i was never this close to giving up and i am so ashamed for even having these thoughts non stop while i cant, i have to take care of my mom i have all these animals that mean the world to me. But i am weak and broken

Brother and sister chilling Will forever remeber how i found them on a rainy night in a trash bag next to the street thank god Belero(the white one) managed to poke his head out of the trashbag so i spotted them and took them in as kittens. They are my 2 big fluffy babies! They are both 9 years old

Gotta love how my lovely neighbors sleep trough the whole day after they spend the nights drinking and blasting music and now at 9pm decide its time to start using power tools and sledge hammers and lets not forget chainsaws. God i so love living here!

It got really cold so the warm blankets are out and rose is very glad for that she loves sleeping on the wool blanket

First vet expenses that hit really hard and now ending the month without even hitting my goal. Next month is car ensurence and technical. Idk how i will deal and handle anything. But its just life. Really wish there was a easier way to just dissapear one that dosnt leave others sad. I am tired.

I want to go back to the simpler times. Where anxiety didnt rule every fiber of my existence and when responsibilities werent weighing on me every second of my day.

Still thinking on how non-chalantly they lately been reporting on a alien mothership and probes that are coming towards us. And then all of a sudden in the last 2 weeks they all stopped shifted focus to other stuff and left that just staying without adressing anything anymore. Am i being gaslighted

I got to the point where i am ashamed of how unwell i am. I feel like a broken record desperately constantly hoping for just some way of solving the constant reoccuring issues. Im in a position where theres not much to hope for anymore. And that spirals me and then i ooze of negativity cause of it

I am really deep in a hole lately i wish i had more talent or mltivstion i would love to go back to my hobies even more wish i could sing and play the guitar again but sold the guitar years ago and singing is basically impossible cant even talk properly anymore. Idk even whats the point anymore.

Worst timing ever my dogs had to have surgery to get their testicles removed cause they were inside picassos were by his belly button and maximilians at his tendoins with the absolute last of money we had at home had to get it done cause vet said they were in grave danger of sepsis or even cancer

Your smile counts and brings joy dont let anyone take that away from you. Cause if you loose it, its very hard to bring it back. And you will never even begin to understand how much you are loved. Trust me i know. I have lost my smile and the warmth within me and i am miserable. Be better than me.

Thank god internet is back Now i only need a miracle to somehow make it trough this and next month with bills and car ensurence/technical and then maybe i can finally breathe a bit easier without all the stress this freaking car technical and ensurence are gicing me and just focus on survival

Im numb cold and fear what is to come. Idk how we will push trough if internet isnt back soon and i can stream again. I have to care for all the bills, meds and food at home. Have a mom and animals to take care of. And even tho i struggle with my health i push trough it all but now i have no options

Internet has been now out for over a week, i needed for this month to go more than well and it isnt. Helplesly starring at the celling and getting eaten alive by my thoughts. Caught myself wanting to reach to my anxiety meds more than i should, i put them away for saftey. Actually falling apart

Have been extremely suicidal lately keep straying into the worst headspace far worse than i have been in a very long time. I feel helpless, trapped and at the end of the road. Sorry for posting this here but i need to let it out but dont want to bother anyone in dms. And sorry for being like this.

What to do when the anxiety, depression, s tendencies and fear all mix togeather? Cause that is what im having right now all mixed with a migraine and very bad piercing chest pain and a hurting spleen. Sorry for the negativity constantly but life is trash for a while and i need to scream at the void

Life has lately been nothing but a race from 0 to 0. I am so tired of being on edge, stressed and afraid. If i didnt have my mom and the animals i have to take care of i would willingly dissapear. Im just tired of everything. Have only 10 days of the month left still so much open. Wish i could just

Absolutely love the 50th anniversary jaws seiko. Its fun its playful and looks actually good. And making it a divers watch fits so well with the theme. Pretty nice seiko good job on this one. Turning the turtle into a shark was a great idea.

A thing about me. I super love fragrances but havent been able to get any for years now cause i need to focus on bills, my mom, my pets, and the farm animals. And with all that fully depending on me i dont have enough and would never on good conscience buy myself something. But it is what it is.

Idk.

All night long in extreme pains and strugling to breathe cause of my heart trying to suffocate me. Finally fall asleep not even 2 hours of sleep after mom sends me a message that she miscalculated bills and that we need to pay 160 more, putting me in the red in my calculations for the month Fuck me

TW: How ever bad life gets. Whatever strugle it may throw at you. Always try. Im sick, deal with mind numbing pain, struggles and awful depressive spirals. Idk how long ill live but i will never kill myself. My dad suggest it every time we talk to eachother but i will never stop pushing and trying

I wish i had a ipad or a portable drawing tablet so that i can draw while stuck in bed all days and actually work on a skill i kinda always pushed aside for years. This is the last thing i drew properly digitally before my drawing tablet broke 2020.

When you feel defeated. Always remeber each and every hero rose from a previous defeat and not from victories.

Tomorrow is my 6 year stream aniversary. And having big health issues, I am preparing tomorrow to stuff myself with 3x dose of meds into being able to pull of that one stream even semi decent. And now my nose started to run and a feever took over and i feel like the flu is hitting. Just poetic...

Have a chill cat known as Pegasus

I am really questioning why i even try in so many aspects. Today has been a rather hollow day. And the further the night goes the more i feel like i should shut myself out.

Sorry if im posting too many but i mostly post them as i make them. Its kind of my own form of therapy. Life has beem really harsh. Health is worsening and my mental state follows. Things have been really rough from just enduring constant pain to financial issues. So doing these to calm my spirit.

Trying to heal is hard

A fitting one for today.

Decided i need a vent that is more positive. Will try coming uo and writing littlw hand written notes like this daily and post them.

Have spent the last 2 hours in tears of pure frustration at my own body. Im sick and tired of enduring pain and dealing with doctors and getting one bad news after another just to then be slapped left and right with pressure from bills that are due. I cant anymore i genuinely want to didsapear

The harder life gets the more i refuse to give up. Its almost as if im so petty that now after i have had to endure all this shit i will hold on till it gets to the point i can enjoy my life. Like my resolve gets stronger cause fuck you life ill get my sufferings worth. Every little bit of it!

Reading solo leveling ragnarok and loving it so far

Anxiety is eating me up alive. My heart is in piercing pains and abdomen also pain and cramps. Heart pressure not going down even with meds. And i have to stream today i cant miss more streams too many things need taking care of. I feel like whatever i do its just doomed to hurt me more.

The more i try to fight against my own body the more i feel like there is nothing but losing. Idk what to expect anymore, how things are going. But im growing more and more certain that how I am the last 3 months is not going anywhere and to better prepare for things to only get worse. Just life.

Absolutely amazing manhwa. It is a power fantasy but a very well executed one. The mc is very likeable and the story has an amazing flow. The fights are exciting and the emotional part is also good. Nothing beats a "cold" hearted but kind and fair mc. I love that balance. Very worth a read

The amazing thing about manhwa and manga is often getting a glimpse into the mind of the writer. Seeing their way of solving issues and tackling complex ideas. Recently read all of Infinite Mage and it was absolutely amazing cant wait for more chapters to come out.

Thinking is sometimes the biggest poison. Im trying my best in my current state to absolutely shut down my thoughts cause already a minute alone with them becomes absolutely suffocating.