Life hack if you’re having trouble finding Dubai chocolate. Get a Dairy Milk for under a quid and get the f**k over yourself.

Some prefer ‘World Autism Awareness Day.’ Some prefer ‘World Autism Acceptance Day.’ Personally, I like, ‘Hey Boomer Please Stop Assuming That Kid Having A Meltdown In Tesco Just Needs A Bloody Good Hiding Day.’

Led By Donkeys’ Facebook post about projecting giant message onto Reform rally venue - 17.7k reactions. Reform UK Facebook post about rally itself - 13.4k reactions.

Tesco cashier: ‘Right that’ll be £32.75 please.’ Me: Scans Clubcard. Tesco cashier: ‘Right we now owe you £300. Will tenners and twenties be OK? Here’s the keys to one of our lorries as well and the logbook, and this piece of paper confirms that you’re now a majority shareholder in Tesco PLC.’

BREAKING: ASDA, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Lidl and Aldi announce emergency popcorn rationing of one bag per customer after sales soar due to people getting ready to watch Farage and Lowe publicly tear strips off each other over the weekend.

A quick question. If ‘nobody cares about women’s football,’ why have Panini made a significant investment in launching the first-ever official WSL trading card game?

The USA is threatening to withdraw ‘intelligence,’ and from what I have seen over the last couple of weeks it wouldn’t be any great loss.

Windsor Castle isn’t a church you absolute ringpiece …

You can be on Universal Credit AND have a job. You can be on Universal Credit AND have a job. You can be on Universal Credit AND have a job. You can be on Universal Credit AND have a job. You can be on Universal Credit AND have a job. Now repeat that back. I want to make sure you’ve understood.

Just to let you all know. Instead of sending Christmas cards this year, I’m just not because I can’t be f****** bothered.

The TV Licence will be going up by £5 in 2025, but at the same time there’s a very good chance that the announcement of the next host of Match Of The Day will make every Daily Mail reader in Britain spontaneously combust so I’m happy to let it slide.

“It’s not about shortening life. It’s about shortening death.” Bang on.

If you’re ‘tubby’ or ‘bald-headed,’ please don’t take Sir Rod Stewart’s words to heart. He was aiming them solely at Gregg Wallace. That’s how it works.

… and shortly afterwards, Parliament will then laugh at it and make farty noises.

I saw these USB-powered oversized heated hoodies in Lidl earlier for £19.99. I know this is an extreme example, but in theory you could charge up a cheap and cheerful power bank during the day at work or elsewhere, and then use it at home to run this hoodie in the evening. Just saying.

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and it’s around 9.45am in the UK, and so around 3.45am in Wichita, Kansas, USA. We are just a few hours away from the exact 37th anniversary of Neal and Del realising that those aren’t pillows.

I’m not sure which is weaker, the UK government petition website’s location check or that pop-up on the iPlayer that asks if you have a TV Licence.

All these petition people calling for a general election are going to be so mad when their wish comes true, and then as a result the UK is also compelled to revoke Article 50 and rejoin the EU because that petition on the same platform had 6.1m signatures and there would be a solid legal argument.

The BBC have announced the presenters for Sports Personality Of The Year. Experienced presenter. Degree in broadcasting, football playing career. Experienced presenter. Represented Wales / Great Britain in gymnastics. Experienced presenter / journalist. Former president, Rugby Football League.

SCHOOLS: Dear Parent. All of our children were weighed recently, and your child's BMI would indicate that they are overweight. For more information about healthier lifestyle choices, please read the attached leaflet. ALSO SCHOOLS:

Just got home to a devastating scene in Essex.

OFFERED FOR SWAP. I bought a hot chocolate at a local Christmas market tonight. Looking to swap for a six-bed detached house in North London with two garages and a pool.

Absolute top-level romantic getaway in Faringdon, Oxfordshire. Spend a few hours browsing the aisles, getting so excited about the latest ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ canvases that you can’t keep your hands off each other and it develops into an all-night shagathon upstairs.

HAPPY 33RD BIRTHDAY to a show that was the pinnacle of Saturday night TV. Nothing since has come even close.

Free parenting advice. Never, ever, EVER press one of these buttons before your toddler gets to them. Just don’t.

How about, and apologies if I sound a bit crazy but hear me out anyway … Black Friday offers but on things like groceries because you can’t eat a 43-inch 4K Panasonic with Dolby Atmos.

Am I missing something here? Why would Tesco sell gingerbread-scented de-icer? Unless you spray it on the inside of your windscreen, you won’t be able to smell it. Please tell me if I am being dense.

Nice one Austrian Airlines 🇦🇹 ✈️

PARENTS BEWARE! Please do not buy this advent calendar for your kids. Last year, my son opened a window of his so-called CHILD-FRIENDLY Paw Patrol calendar and the chocolate was in the shape of a GUN! I looked at another and it was a HAND GRENADE. I was FURIOUS - Nickelodeon you’re a disgrace.

I learned something fascinating today. I needed a single first class stamp, which normally retails for £1.65, but as I was passing a local convenience store I decided to pop in there and buy one instead - £1.75. 🧵

Devastated to hear yellow Metanium has been discontinued due to ‘supply chain issues.’ This stuff was legendary for all four of our kids when they had ‘baboon arse.’ I can already see some of these on eBay for silly money. Apparently this half-crumpled tube could be worth up to £30 now. Madness.

Me: *saves document on computer* Computer: ‘Document saved!’ Me: ‘Where is it?’ Computer: ‘Ha ha where's what?’

Essex & Suffolk Water. They are here for you this winter … but don’t you dare reply to their email.

Bloody well done. So pleased for them.

Parrot pit.

Yet another grammar nightmare from Sainsbury’s on this scented candle. However, if it is meant to be a tribute to William Shatner, I offer my sincerest apologies.

Someone told me today that the vast majority of ‘Door Close’ buttons in lifts aren’t actually connected to anything and they’re just there so that impatient people have something to press. My mind is blown.

Ah I see. Alex Scott is capable of presenting live football matches where the broadcast goes on for more than two hours, but she’s not capable of presenting a sequence of pre-recorded, edited clips of football that go on for about an hour. Gotcha.

Just noticed that when fully laden, my Lidl bag stares at me with a hint of derangement.

Oh this has to be a piss take, come on.

I saw someone complaining that parking restrictions on a new build estate were going to have a negative effect on the prices of houses there. Mate, house prices wouldn’t go down if the estate was infested with child-eating monsters, bubonic plague, and the opening of a uranium enrichment workshop.

This may be a good time to share my only interaction with Mr Joey Barton a while ago. Me: Presents a reasonable argument for Alex Scott to host a TV show. Joey: ‘YOU HAVE NO TESTICLES.’

I regret to inform you all that that Reform UK Facebook page have now deleted my fake nativity letter that they clearly thought was genuine 😂

Erm … someone has made a crafty edit to the England Women’s Football Team Wikipedia entry 😂😂😂

… and as a final ‘f*** you’ he refuses to call it ‘X’ 😂😂😂

M&S have these dinosaur advent calendars for £3 a pop. If you’re looking at this and thinking ‘no child will ever ask for an advent calendar just about dinosaurs of the Cretaceous period,’ you’ve obviously never met child.

Damn that RNIB.

To kick-off my Bluesky, here’s my humble suggestion for our local council’s annual ‘name the gritter’ contest.