Becoming an adult is realizing that corn tortillas are the best food on the planet.

We have to protect our most vulnerable. #protectTransKids

Too much morning. Not enough night

There's not enough time in the day, and if there were enough time in the day I would sleep until there wasn't.

What's wrong babe? You've hardly touched your IUD cake.

The inside of your own head is one of the worst places to be trapped.

I want this for us

Women don't want chocolate for Valentine's Day. They want inalienable rights. #happyvalentinesday

"You don't trust it. You don't trust my shaggy ball" - My wife

And they were, all of them, hella gay.

Someone get me off the sad internet

And check on your loved ones and neighbors if you're safely able to do so.

Getting some much deserved attention

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers With Big Naturals

Sometimes you just really need to spend all day playing Need For Speed with your wife.

Welcome to the Cat Hair Cafe where the added fiber is free.

Perhaps one should not riff while composing one's resume.

Holy shit 2026 did not waste any time becoming super fucked up.

It's important to take time for your hobbies. Even if you're a scary block man.

Can we at least see if 2026 is good before we celebrate it? Like, I want the option to get my money back if I don't like the trial version. #happynewyear

I'm going to write a book consisting entirely of punctuation. It's going to be a period piece.

All I want for Christmas is cheeeeeese

Don't deep fry your fingers, kids. Also probably don't drop fry your finger's kids if that's relevant to you.

Hot dog water...

I've been labelled a propaganda pusher. Who wants to hear about pizza ball propaganda?

When your seven year old wants pizza balls for breakfast, you get up and start making dough (after multiple clarifying questions to figure out what a pizza ball should be).

The Grinch Wears Prada

There's nothing quite so heartwarming as when I tuck my son in at night and tell him that I love him to have him reply "okay" and reach for his phone.

This morning when waking up my son he immediately hits me with "It's time for YOU to wake up". I've been countered.

Sometimes shaving products make my skin numb and I don't know if that's a bug or a feature.

It's not really the holidays until you have to tell a family member to stop eating the tree

There's nothing like the satisfaction of having a nice clean house and knowing that you only have to maintain it for the rest of your life.

Spirals make me happy because they remind me of my mental state and also of ham.

They hate each other but during nap time it's okay for their butts to touch.

I'm getting ads for RuneScape. What year is it?

Our first winter weather has been very delayed here in Colorado and while this is concerning for some I find it wholly appropriate that this year even mother nature is saying "Fuck ICE".

You can't convince me that human laps didn't evolve to be intentionally cat shaped.

The normal amount of pain is some.

Have you ever eaten something so good that you just don't want any other flavor in your mouth after?

Having fully functional vision is overrated and my head hurts.

I may not be good at posting regularly on here but I am good at paying my #cattax when I do.

Just a cat and his emotional support shoe.

It's a special kind of disappointing to get a job rejection from a company whose email template and website look like they were made in 1998 by someone with a penchant for clip art.

Well that pretty much sums up how good I am at habits.

I'm the reason why I can't have nice things and I have no intention of stopping.

Happy pride! #pridemonth

Happy pride! #pridemonth

Out here fulfilling some childhood desires and riding a scooter for the first time.

Spent my morning learning about boat engine repair. I don't own a boat or know anyone who does.

Numerators, denominators, and terminators.