Apocalypse Not Yet (2026)

Americans, I don’t blame *you*. Unless you voted for him, or didn’t vote at all. Then it’s all on you, you absolute fucks

What time is the end of the world tonight in UK time? Need to know if I’m going to be vaporised mid-wank

I’ve had the air conditioning running all afternoon. 100% solar powered so don’t start on about polar bears

So… does that mean we’d have to arrest him if he visits his golf course in Scotland?

Gays give their pets weird names. All cats should be called Beryl or Tom, and all dogs should be Rosie or Dexter

What timesheet billing entry do I use for “Setting Word back to how it worked last week”

Underrated character / acting

11 weeks until the nights start drawing in

Behold, my low-FODMAP paprika chicken, roasted root vegetables and broccoli. No gurgling under the duvet in MY bed tonight

I didn’t experience any Bluesky downtime? I posted three full frontal nudes and didn’t get any errors 🤷‍♂️

Don’t forget to put your bins out if yesterday was your bin collection day. If yesterday was not your bin collection day do not put your bins out.

We’ve had a walk and now we’re just going to watch tv

I need a scruffy boy

I hope Liz Truss had a disappointing Easter

What if they go round the back of the moon and there's an entire cybernetic city of Borg there. Borg Elvis, Borg Lord Lucan, Borg Cat Bin Lady

If I applied to Popmaster and they called me back and it was Ken's week off I would hang up because what's the point

⛪ Right, I'm off to church. (there's a collection point for tablet blister packs because the council won't take them)

Alternate timeline. Yes, the BBC News site used to look like that

Make a new Triga video

Just waiting for my lawn mower batteries to charge. Might have a grape

That’s not bad that is it

My solar batteries are full, so the full sun I currently have is being wasted. Apparently I need a 'dump load' but I don't want to google that

Yeah, bees are great and everything but one just flew in through the window and I need the buzzy little cunt to fuck off

My traditional Easter jacket potato is in the microwave. Might push the boat out and have mashed potato topping #SpudOoLickay

Can you get microwave ovens that just have a [+30s] button, because that's all I ever use

Just picked up the Church of England parish magazine and found a party political for Reform.

Too much church stuff on TV. Why does religion have to stick its nose into every long weekend

Happy First Contact Day!

I predict that today my Brexity dad will furiously ask why we have to rename marmalade, to which I will reply that his jar of “Orange Marmalade” won’t change at all

I’ve been trying to describe the external sound my electric car makes when it’s accelerating from a stop. I’ve settled on “WhooOOOrrrre”

Apparently, if you’re on a date and the guy puts his glass down really close to yours, it means he really likes you.

Yes we made the zero gravity Preparation H applicator

BLOWY OUT

Every time the white pull-cords in my bathroom start to look a bit dirty I snip the end off and move the toggle up a few cm. After 4 years it’s starting to become an issue for anyone under 6ft who doesn’t want to pee in the dark

It’s First Contact Eve, btw 🛸

He’s going to nuke Iran isn’t he

Strip poker, but the first one to lose it all gets tied down and edged by the other players until he loses all sense of reality, forgets his name and his mind turns to jelly.

Just made this. Doesn’t it look delicious

I'm going to the shop but I'll have to walk past the lads playing football so obviously I'm nervous

Death On The Nile (correct version) on BBC Two tonight

Ok but really, this time?

I should get up. No plans, but I might try connecting to the information superhighway on my 33.6K modem. I’ve got a midi file I want to add to my geocities site

I have woken up stiff

Men

I just watched another episode of Coupling. The one sitcom that makes me laugh out loud enough to alarm the dog. To be fair, Steve had just mistakenly told Susan’s parents about his masturbation before unknowingly gifting her mother a 10 inch vibrator

This "art deco fantasia of 1930s lamps, comfortable velvet seats and pre-war murals reminiscent of Diego Rivera." is where I saw Fascinating Aida perform a song that included a line about asking Rolf Harris to babysit. www.bridportnews.co.uk/news/2598226...

They should genetically engineer Fox’s Glacier Mints to not weld themselves to your fillings

I’ve straddled that woman (Joan Hickson in Carry On Girls)