📱“Can I ask you quickly?” I haven’t had a text message from an actual person since 2017, so no

Just completed my mandatory “Preventing Sexual Harassment at Work” training and the guy was really hot

I would totally do the top 5 most recent people in my list of chats on here. They don’t know. Well one of them probably knows because I told him but the rest 🤷‍♂️

Has everyone been here for exactly a year

Sunday fear, but I’m only doing a 3 day week and I’ve got a big dick so… 🤔

One thing about working in a city centre is that we’re only a few weeks away from the parade of mid 20s men queuing up outside Pandora to buy terrible jewellery

Some gays did a Clue reaction video and they’re not getting any of the jokes. “Go diva!” when Mrs White speaks isn’t rescuing this at all. I don’t wish to be associated with them

YouTube just showed me an ad for electric shock self defence knuckledusters. 😵‍💫

I did not sleep well and I blame you

Me, after checking the facts of a Daily Mail story someone sent me

About 1,000 each in a typical year

I’ve been trying to place someone I occasionally see in Tesco and I just realised he looks like my neighbour’s Vauxhall Mokka

Just having my customary chicken nugget sandwich. Granary bread so it’s healthy

Thanksgiving, if it's a real thing and not just for TV, is just a trial run for Christmas I think

The hell is going on with my dog’s hair

Relatives were supposed to be coming over for lunch today, after cancelling last weekend. Since then, no contact, no replies to messages, nothing until just now saying they’re busy. Just as well I made no effort because I knew this would happen 🙂

Pork, broccoli and lemon for lunch, as my gran always used to have pork and lemon and she was a wise woman. Except she didn’t. I misheard and she always had a *port* and lemon. I’m used to it now though.

I recently deleted both Dudesnude and Linked in and failed to make any jokes about how they’re both full of dicks. #Growth #GrowerNotAShower #Dicks #YesItStillExists

Windows inside houses. Like... between rooms. What's that all about. Dodgy. I don't trust them and you shouldn't either

Imagine if Marjorie turned out to be the one who actually took Trump down

Computer, what is the nature of the universe? “The universe is a spheroid region containing 2 pigeons and a collared dove”

Mum wants to know what I want for Christmas. What I want is some new AirPods (Pro, the new ones) but if I say that she’ll get me these because they’re “probably the same but much cheaper” so I’m withholding my answer

Just remembered I posted a cock pic last night. What was I thinking? At least it was a good one.

Mornin’ sugar tits

Living it up tonight with a Ramipril and an Amitriptyline chaser 🍸

I’d just like to point out that I’m lovely

Spotify trying to kill the vibe here. That’s my job.

One of my AirPods is rattling. Now how am I supposed to spend this Friday night listening to 90s club mixes, feeling nostalgic about my 20s when I would stay at home and listen to music before going to bed at a sensible hour

Just made a statement by driving through the centre of Bridport in my electric car with the Queer As Folk soundtrack at high volume. (Nobody saw me. It’s after 6pm so it’s deserted)

Ok who needs a shoulder massage

If Murder, She Wrote has a comma, Diagnosis Murder should have a colon

Omg stop fidgeting

Just booked her in for a haircut

6 weeks from now we’ll all be confused about what day it is and wondering if tv really was better when we were younger because there’s nothing on

Deleted my Dudesnude account after about 20 years. Mainly because the site redesign is shit

We're running out of time for Bluesky to introduce pics in chats, as they promised last year. You can still send some risqué words though

Caller on the radio talking about dedicating a song to his wife: "Well on our first date I took her to the Arsenal" Missed opportunity there.

🚗⚡️Since I discovered a long press on the cruise control button sets a maximum speed*. * Auto adjusting to the current speed limit * Flooring the pedal overrides the limit #KiaEV3

If someone says they like something and it brings them joy and you don’t like it and think it’s pointless there’s always the option to keep your fucking mouth shut

My ISA is up and down like a Soho barman's knickers

Local councils: "ok, we'll take decisive action and fine single mums £2000 for putting the recycling out on the wrong day" www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

I am soap

Politics: Centre/Left Job: DevOps Engineer Height: 6’3” Scent: Aldi apple shampoo Hot drink: Tea (milk, no sugar) Film: Clue Bulge: Large TV: Murder, She Wrote Crisps: Salt and vinegar

The “work from the office at least once every three weeks” mandate that I’ve been complying with for 2 years is being enforced from next week. Annoyed, tbh. Me, Scottish Mum, Dopey Big Arms and Drama Girl have a good thing going on and now some miserable people are going to ruin it

Maybe my spoiled ballot paper for the police and crime commissioner election wasn’t a wasted vote after all

/2 So the third nun says “Well I just thought, if I’m going to gargle, I want to do it before sister Mary sticks her arse in the water” 🥁

I thought this was anatomically correct when I drew it but my eyes still get drawn to the neck area

Still hate Liquid Glass, still furious about the way London Spy ended

Just quite tired really *sits back on sofa, eyes closed, legs spread, hands behind head*

Sometimes I nearly quote a post to add my own pics but then remember I don’t like the person so I’m not going to give them the satisfaction