I think it would be cool if in pairs figure skating the man lifted the woman upside down and used one of her skates to shave.

These are the names George Lucas would create if he wrote about MAGA instead of Star Wars

Sorry, am I supposed to be surprised that Robin Leach, a man who oozed “I need to strangle a girl to achieve an erection” strangled a girl on Bad Erection Island?

We joke about CBS doing the Whiskey Friday thing, but there’s a way to make it work. Tony asks his guest, an inert bottle of whiskey a question. He pours himself a drink from the bottle, slams it, then answers the question himself. I’ve watched worse things.

People are going to have to put in reservations a full week in advance when local taverns announce they’ll be airing the ICE trials.

It’s so weird that a decade ago this was just a goofy NY morning news guy that Joel McHale used to joke about on The Soup. And now, that kind of guy is public Nazi. Yes. I know his dad sucked and he was probably always like this.

So much of this country could be fixed by letting every American to vote once a year for the biggest bastard in the country. Then that person, by law must be thrown into the Grand Canyon by trebuchet. You can still be a bastard, but if you’re the worst you could get the trebuchet

Happy 2026 everybody. And here’s to another 2026 years

It’s O-H ver

I’m not about to bother everybody with regular updates, but last year I gave myself one year to get the poison out and finish literally any draft of a gargantuan epic fantasy novel I’d been writing for a decade, and I made my deadline today with about 13 hours to spare

I cannot stress it enough, this is a veterinarian clinic, not a therapist. Let’s keep it moving

Bases covered

“I don’t know if it’s real or not, but I support Pepsi for cooling down a potentially fraught civil rights moment”

I feel like Argentina, Algeria and Austria should be in Group A

I love that Mike has nothing to do in Stranger Things, because they decided to create Robin who does all the things he could have done. So now he’s relegated to telling Will he’s actually valuable. Which Robin also does. Fucking Yuri has more to do. At least he smuggles shit and cracks wise.

Old Biff: This book tells you all the scores. [Puts on radio] “And UCLA is down 17-16 on 4th and 11 with 18 seconds to go.” Old Biff: I bet you a million bucks they win 19-17 Young Biff: Are you crazy. They said the game was over! [Makes field goal] 😲

Bombshell email reveals Trump briefly morphed into cartoon wolf, began howling at underage girls on Epstein’s island

Mein Kampf The Game Reframe Your Brain by Scott Adams Atlas Shrugged If I Did It Win Bigly by Scott Adams The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Starship Troopers How To Fail At Almost Everything And Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life by Scott Adams

The Democrats are punting on 3rd down again

My wife bought front row tickets to a Broadway show over a month ago and they just told us they changed the format to a sing along show, and that should be illegal. I should be allowed to sue their asses off.

The 6K+ New Yorkers who voted for Eric Adams are as Ride or Die as anybody.

Cuomo: “New York City heard us” Oh for sure. They told you to retire, too

Of course I, an educated big city libural have never ventured into the hinterlands to experience the unknowable MAGA supporter, but I clearly remember my Hillbilly Elegy, and the defining aesthetic was highly polished statuary marble and gold. So he got my ass there.

“I don’t like brunch” Damn. You don’t like breakfast or lunch?

Andrew Cuomo’s campaign just posted — and quickly deleted — this AI-generated ad depicting “criminals for Zohran Mamdani.” Features a Black man in a keffiyeh shoplifting, an abuser, a trespasser, a trafficker, a drug dealer, and a drunk driver all declaring support for Mamdani.

I don’t support Curtis Sliwa: NYC Mayor but I absolutely support Curtis Sliwa: Debate Gremlin who gives the funny answer after everybody else has a turn.

I don’t know man. Three straight commercials with a Manning brother leads me to think the NFL might not be making enough stars.

NBC: “Hey Giants fans! Look at your old QB! He’s so good now. You said he sucked but look how good he’s doing. And you’re trash. Fuck you!” Man, you guys said he was trash when he was here too. Why are you acting like this. I watched those SNF Games. You were roasting him

The failing New York Times should be prosecuted for making this reference to Dodgeball a Red Herring guess

Walking to bar to get pie-eyed Apple Watch: “Hey, are you working out?” “You know it”

Say what you will about the horrible things Charlie Kirk supported when he was alive

Not me responding to every text I got for Andrew Cuomo with “Ha. Eat a bag of dicks” after the results were announced

The bulk of my YouTube shorts are just retired NBA players remembering guys and talking them up line they were John Wick “Hey man… Landry Fields” [Deep exhale] “Maaaaan. That boy was COLD”

The NBA on ABC: Come for Hubie Brown’s final broadcast. Stay for the end of game celebration where he commits seppuku at half court.

The crazy this is that because it’s Groundhogs Day, Mavericks fans have to relive the Luka trade over and over for an indeterminate amount of time.

Has anybody ever realized that the same guy is coaching both the Lions and Commanders? Fuckin Dan thought he could pull a fast one without anybody noticing. Like every episode of Frasier

The cameraman for the Tyson Paul fight