listen to the end of this song and tell me you honestly don’t hear “all beef patties”

fivehead got a lil burn

meeting another bird nerd at gay camping: “so you’re over 40 too, huh?”

i’m one slight inconvenience away from a meltdown

will go out only if i can be carried around weekend at bernie’s style all night

it’s so hard seeing someone else live your dream

not someone working out right next to me with a “dibs on the ginger” tank on

do i check my emails today to know what i’m getting into tomorrow or just wait until i’m on the clock? you know, i think i just answered my own questionz

i just need to be naked by a pool stat

sometimes you take a picture and think “that’s not what i look like IRL”

getting added to a 4:30 meeting with the AVPs is probably something good, right? RIGHT?!

uncle says to me “you look the same as you did in college” so maybe family is not so bad after all

coming home for the weekend is like my yearly vaccination against thinking i should move back east

being on a full flight at 6 AM is crazy. unrelated: i might hate most people?

this built-in mirror was not the only reason i bought this condo but was for sure a contributing factor

like getting older blows and joint pain whatever but there’s also this

having thoughts lately, feels like i need to bring back my Hot Idiot™️ era

realizing i need to actually set time aside to achieve my goals instead of just assuming i’m going to find the time. like at this rate, i’ll never be friends with a crow

i’ve done so much and it’s only 10:30, so will for sure spiral later if you guys need anything

today i bent over and my back cracked sound loud my husband heard it from across the condo so bye forever

wtf is a pre-arrival update? my package is pre-delivered? as in not yet here? yea i’m pretty sure i already know.

i’d like to thank my mom for the crippling guilt i feel whenever i call out sick

very irish. someone kiss me already.

🤭

me to all the political robocalls

the world doesn’t need a new pussycat dolls single rn

i just bought a record player so my whole personality changed forever

signed up to play cornhole. was proud of this team name:

this sunshine makes me want to kiss unfortunately

a man about to consume so much pasta

collecting gym nemeses like infinity stones

i don’t want to work i just want to listen to amber mark

my kitten demands blanket forts solely so he can do this

did i ever think i’d read philosophy again after college? absolutely not.

was there that much fingerblasting in wuthering heights and i just missed it in high school?

i love the feeling of finding a new favorite song tbh like “oh we’re gonna be together for at least the next ten days straight”

objects in mirror are closer than they appear

i can’t wait to be fully hairless AND sad

it’s been a minute since i’ve paid the gym mirror toll

these negative wind chills, man.

if anyone has maintained their dry january commitment this year, your mental fortitude needs to be studied

my husband is lurking in the shadows of this picture like a gremlin

i take one (1) edible and i’m actually so funny you guys you don’t get it

i’m supposed to voluntarily leave my house today?

lifted heavy things and my back didn’t explode. please clap.

yet another day of my back being thrown out instead of blown out 👴🏻

if anyone needs me; don’t

it’s a good thing we don’t have AIM away messages anymore

vibes are terrible today. i’m going back to bed.

i don’t want to look at my computer, there are emails in there