The only time I ever saw a pair of Google glass(es) in the wild, it was when a dude wore them into a strip club and somehow got away with it because nobody knew what they were. He’d somehow gotten his hands on them as a beta tester

1971: “I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees” Now: “I am Groot, buy car insurance”

Now that LLMs are pretty convincing we’re going to have to come up with a new Turing test. Can the machine dance

tanning salon called “Hotbeds of Mental Health”

airplanes or as i like to call them, "flying cars"

black bloc has changed

I just tried to lick a stamp

Starting a pro scratching propaganda campaign

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

I downloaded this a while back because I thought it was funny. I hope it makes you smile too!

i think a lot about Sister Wendy saying that the chief virtue of abstract art (which she generally didn’t care for) was that it makes obvious the things art was kind of always about

and he said “I don’t know” (posting this in quote tweet format so that you all understand this joke has layers)

Thinking about the time I asked a Bitcoin enthusiast what a fiat currency was

Why did this account follow me and why won’t they stop using the word ‘Agglomeration’

“Breathe in, breathe out, you keep me alive / you are my passionZ of Christ” 👼

Revisiting this today bc I recently applied for unemployment

I was never super into The Office. I watched some, there were some great characters. However, I have a huge crush on Domhnall Gleeson and I’m very invested in the success of The Paper. I think a great twist would be to reveal in season 4 that he has been faking an American accent the whole time.

Call me the getty of petty

We were waiting for some change on my account to process so I told her about the triangle shirtwaist fire and when I apologized for rambling she said “no, you should be a teacher!” Anyway, happy Labor Day, the kids are all right ❤️

Today I got to explain to a call center worker at Spectrum what a union is, she literally had no idea when I asked. She was like “I think we must have one because they give us health insurance” and I was like oh, buckle up!

I want whatever this is

lofi beats to ignore the slow-motion apocalypse to

And you will know us by the trail of bread

Wow just remembered hellthread

If you’ve ever wondered who Liv Moss is… she’s nobody. I was typing “Live Más” but then I thought it would be funnier to make it look like a real name. Plus this way I could pretend to be related to Jeff Moss, and start a rumor that Jennifer Coolidge is gonna be at DEF CON filming Legally Blonde 4

An initiative to counter DOGE called Citizens Against Tyranny (CAT)

Petition to get Bobby Fingers to make a diorama of the US government so that we can dig it up later and use it as a reference when it comes time to rebuild

need an injury attorney who specializes in damages related to running into what I thought was a tunnel but was actually painting on the side of a mountain

Only on LinkedIn will someone write ”bridge builder” as their job title and then turn out to be an MBA instead of a Civil Engineer when you take a closer look

I don’t crab race professionally. It’s more of a side hustle

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

When you tell Alex Honnold the bathroom is upstairs

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

My big brain idea is that they should sell dish sets that go with the dishwasher.

I remember the first time I heard a girl say “lol” out loud. We were in the lunch line at my middle school. People made fun of her but who’s loling now?

AI folks have now discovered “thinking”

This is why I put all my money in the ground

are giant dorks riffing in your replies? you may be entitled to compensation

user experience design is my passion

Linkedin is the most unserious platform. You can say absolutely anything on there

Pat the Bunny is the most punk rock children's book

google sheets can be a database if you hate yourself enough

Just as Gutenburg intended

The greatest thing You’ll ever learn Is just to love And hang out with some birds

(david playing F#sus4) is this anything

If a cup of coffee on the back deck doesn't solve it then I am out of ideas.