Reject modernity. Embrace tradition.

Hell yeah I support LAW enforcement! L. LEGOs A. and W. weed

Wearing JNCOs to hide my embarrassing toe shoes.

Hail storms are underrated; you just stick a cup out the window and it's like a free ice machine.

Betty Crocker? More like Betty-Crock-of-Shit, am I right?

Scientists have uncovered evidence that Stonehenge was likely a BBQ pit, part of a larger "man cave" complex.

Sigh... these days I need prescription-strength jelly beans.

Since stuffed animals aren't alive, if you think about it, Puppy Surprise would have been exactly the same product if all the puppies had been stillborn.

THIS SUMMER. (singing) Take a look... Nicolas Cage: No... NOOOOO!! (singing) It's in a book... *children scream* (singing) A Dreading Rainbow! Tilda Swinton: Calm down, children. We're almost at the end. DREADING RAINBOW. RATED R. (singing) I can go anywhere...

TIRED: Strapping on a headset to jack into the "metaverse." WIRED: Shoving beef jerky up your ass to jack into the "meataverse."

RIP Bud Cort, gone to that great cortroom in the sky.

Woke is back and they're rebooting "Ranma 1/2" as "Ranma 2/4."

Sign of the times? Student who carved “FUCK SCHOOL” into desks is now carving “FUND SCHOOL” into desks.

My horrifying life is brought to you by AXE bloody spray.

Kind of weird to think that instead of posting on Bluesky I could be jacking off in an Applebee's restroom. #SponsoredPost

The NFL needs to cut it out with the divisive halftime shows and stick to its core strength: hot, fit, sweaty young men piling on top of one another, fucking each other's brains out.

Holy shit! Look who's covering #Dekkar! (from Axiom's Instagram) #OnCinemaAtTheCinema

Don't worry Binky, you can always open for Kid Rock!

Got a side gig as a "secret shitter" where I test restaurant bathrooms to see how they handle a toilet clogged with my massive dumps.

Due to changes in logistics brought on by globalization, the Boxcar Children are now the Shipping Container Children.

You should only have to breathe when it smells nice.

Fun fact: In the Star Trek universe, everyone in Starfleet has achieved a level of Clear or higher in Scientology.

Reasons I'm not having sex: * Too tired * Girlfriend dumped me * Back hurts * Out of condoms * Other people smell funny * Viagra too expensive * Not as fun as playing video games

Pretty sure the surgeon removing my appendix is a redditor because he keeps telling anyone who will listen about the superiority of his Japanese steel surgical knives.

Who's ready for The Oscars? #OnCinemaAtTheCinema

The 80's was all about crystals: Crystal Light, Crystal Pepsi, Crystal Meth.

Everything was going great until my ex girlfriend showed up out of nowhere and put a decapitated horse head in my bed sheets. #DeusExGirlfriendMafia

A washing machine is only a "washing" machine if you add soap. If you don’t believe me, try adding dirt instead.

Fun fact:

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the billionaires!

They’re saying that breaking into Jeff Bezo’s house and stealing all his shit is “the new Amazon.

The three age groups: * Warheads (youth) * Jolly Ranchers (adult) * Werther's Originals (senior)

Seems relevant today. No reason, I'm sure.

Get in loser, we're going to Cocktown.

We need to get @clickhole.bsky.social back on Bluesky.

Sadly, Elon Musk has no choice but to make robots since no one wants to make babies with him anymore.

Dear Miss Diapers, My husband won’t stop shitting the bed! What should I do? - Sleeping On Shit Dear SOS, Diapers. - Miss Diapers

When they go low, we get stoned.

I bet Captain Picard wouldn't know how to use a microwave oven. What a doofus!

The older I get, the more I can sympathize with the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons.

With all due respect, we're already in a civil war.

My new doctor wears a spandex tank top and a leather mask, and goes by the name “The Bonecrusher.”

Bike lanes? Where we’re going, we don’t need bike lanes! * gets on a flying bicycle and immediately crashes into a skyscraper *

It's been... 🎵 "It's been, six weeks since..." 🎵 What is that song?

Stop letting Grimace shit in your toilet.

There used to be a website called ExpertsExchange, but they got mad because everybody kept calling it ExpertSexChange.

Okay here's my historical hot takes: Thomas Jefferson was secretly black, ancient Egypt is an AI hallucination, and Joseph Stalin was a scented candle.

Gather 'round, folks of all ages, as I regale you with the tale of The 7 Outdated Bathroom Trends Designer Hate.

Unfortunately the rat that lives under my hat and uses me like a human puppet is an unsuccessful private equity manager.