THIS SUMMER IN A WORLD WHERE NURSERY RHYMES... "His pockets, they're full of posy!" HAVE BECOME NURSERY CRIMES... "He's goin' back to his old ways!" RING... "No, not the knife!" AROUND... *woman screams* ...THE ROSIE. (children singing) "Ashes, ashes..." RATED R.

My astral projector needs a new bulb.

Who's ready for all you can eat BBQ ribs at Sizzler? #OCATC

Time After Time (1979, 112 minutes) I'm awake at 12:01 VFT to catch the latest episode of #OnCinemaAtTheCinema

“Butt rock" really should have been called "Sweaty penis music."

MMA cage match but instead of humans it’s the buff ass cows that muscle milk comes from.

Optometrist made me a special pair of glasses to wear in bed so I can see my dreams more clearly.

When I'm president my first order of business will be demolishing the White House and replacing it with a large windowless cube.

Launching a chain of adults-only libraries with erotic fiction and scantily-clad librarians.

The secret to landing your dream job in 2025? Bring a hype man with you to the interview.

His statue has more personality than the man himself.

Working on an edition of the New Testament commissioned by the WNBA. There's a whole section in the back with interviews of top players, photos, and stats.

Sorry nerds, but I've already got the Switch 3.

Sorry folks, they didn't give me enough time to write today's posts so I'll be dusting off my Branch Davidians jokes from '93.

Here's an screenshot of Star Trek: The Motion Picture for all the #greggheads out there.

On Cinema returns tomorrow, and I know these things because I'm a purported expert. #OCATC

"You know the guy who'll break your kneecaps if you don't pay? We use independent contractors for that." - Klarna CEO on how his company is different than a traditional loan shark.

Congrats to Wendy Kerby on landing the Super Bowl halftime show youtu.be/jY72dCjsxmY?...

Ha! Found her! What do I win?

The time Neil Hamburger congratulated Greg Gutfeld on his prestigious award:

Oh, okay then.

*does a slow motion anime backflip and shoots all the bad guys* Well there, I've now solved all of society's dilemmas.

Wisdom of the crowd: Yelp is rolling out a new feature that lets you review homeless people.

Alex Jones needs to catch up with On Cinema At The Cinema.

*takes a giant CAUTION sign and throws it into the wind* Sorry, no that wasn't a metaphor.

Selfie sticks are like canes for people who need to be caned.

All aboard the train to the movies! #OCATC

Check out my new On Location segment #OCATC

Thanks to 500,000-hour Energy, I never have to sleep again!

Just got fired from my role as a conductor for waving my baton the wrong way and making them play the entire symphony backwards.

Watching a show on Quibi about the success of the Juicero.

Get your daily dose of probiotics and healthy food with my new meal delivery service, Shitwell.

I keep accidentally toggling the new feature in iOS 26 that lets you walk through walls.

My Citibank+ subscription entitles me to rob one (1) bank per 24 hour period.

Okay, who put New Heidecker in charge of the FBI? #ocatc

Lifehack: If you don't want to babysit you can *always* get out of it by saying you can't because you're "on a list."

“Why did Robert Redford stick his cock in a jar of Newman’s own tomato sauce?…well they were friends for fifty years! You think he’s going to stick his cock in a competitor’s sauce?”

Getting the settings on my ass adjusted so my farts smell like Febreze.

Instead of taking the poor guy to the hospital after Humpty Dumpty was injured, the king was like "No need to worry, I've got some of my top horses working on this."

Six Flags Magic Mountain is proud to introduce their most thrilling roller coaster yet, "My Dinner with Andre eXtreme eXperience."

"Satan I damn thee!"

Anyone got any ideas for new human body parts we should be adding?

We regret to inform you that "My Buddy" and "Kid Sister" were both FBI informants. They were never your real friends.

Competing with the moving companies with my new staying in one place company.

It is my belief that with enough time and effort, one can achieve "The Perfect Post" and become one with The Feed.

Tom Cruise could have used his Operating Thetan powers to stop 9/11, but he chose not to. Whose side is that guy really on?

Political violence is bad. That’s why I’m condemning Adolf Hitler for killing Adolf Hitler.