I'm not a NIMBY or a YIMBY, I'm an IDHAB (I Don't Have A Backyard.)

Fortunately one of Steve Jobs' childhood friends is available to help you move any larger items.

Would be a nice change of pace if we invaded a country that *doesn't* have oil for once.

Fitbit announced a new smart lock that locks you out of your house until you've gone to the gym, you lazy fat fuck.

How 2026 is going so far:

Remind me, how many foreign governments do we have to overthrow to get the price of groceries under control?

Cutting out the middleman by training bees to bottle their own honey.

Top 10 Products that Won't Fill the Empty Void in Your Soul

January 1st 2026, here we come!

Environmental win! In 2026, California will require all body bags to be compostable.

Went to the children’s hospital by mistake and now a bunch of child surgeons are cutting me open.

Mitch Hedberg was ahead of his time.

Doctor said I needed hernia surgery. "Doc, tell me you're kidding me. That's not very funny!" Then he pulls out his business card and it says he's a comedian. Now I don't know what to believe.

Hey @sfmta.com what's going on with the Central Subway right now?

In hindsight, the Spider-Man movies warned us about the journalistic integrity of newspaper owners who look like Jeff Bezos.

There's been too much product placement in my dreams recently. Where do I go to file a complaint?

Got the new Campbell's IV bags so I can mainline condensed cream of mushroom.

Why I Quit Streaming Services and Started Smoking Cigarettes

My nephew won't stop crying after I got him a "Michael Moore Action Playset" for Christmas.

Watching some classic Christmas porn with the family.

Eggnog is what naturally leaks out of Santa Claus' nipples.

Did you know? The Panhandler app now supports Zelle! #MerryChristmas

Who's ready to ROCK? The lineup just dropped for the Obama Apology Tour 2026!

* Lawyer turns to face camera and speaks * Have you been injured in a car crash, bridge collapse, and skydiving accident? Well good news, because that's fucking badass.

Only I have the POWER to tell if you buy your clothes at Costco. #CostcoAesthetic

Sorry boss, gotta leave early today to prepare for tonight's asexual orgy.

Ben & Jerry's introduces new Jerry Seinfeld flavored ice cream.

"He's been called the greatest keytarist of his generation..."

Experience the flavors of Japan at home with new Stouffer's brand microwave sushi.

Can you gargle mouthwash while trying to talk? Congratulations: you can speak German!

My professor just spent the last 20 minutes drawing QR codes on the chalkboard, and now I have to scan it with my phone to get today's lecture.

Nintendo doesn't want you to know how bad Mario and Luigi smell after they spend the day wading through sewers.

Ate so many vegetables that I have achieved "the vegetative state."

Hate getting shots? Great news: the CDC is replacing this season's flu vaccine with H. "Dr." Pennysworth's Miracle Cure-All Elixir!

SantaCon is for losers. I'm dressed like Santa and vomiting all over the sidewalk for completely unrelated reasons.

Going on a gender bender.

Apple is firing Tim Cook after he was caught having an inappropriate relationship with a PowerBook G4.

A successful burglar needs more than an acquisition play in today’s market. They also need a cloud AI strategy.

The LEGO version of @oncinema.bsky.social is here! www.reddit.com/r/OnCinemaAt...

They ought to bring back those diarrhea-inducing "WOW" potato chips by marketing them as a probiotic.

Kid, when I was your age, the word Napster *meant* something.

Did anyone record Gregg Turkington's presentation at the Association of Moving Image Archivists? Link to the scheduled event here: amia2025.sched.com/event/2BDEj/...

If this post gets half a dozen "likes" I'm gonna do a collab with my girl @PokemonZelda3000 where we have a child together. #influencer #goals

We asked 6 cleaning experts and they all said the same thing; your place looks like a pig sty and you should be ashamed of yourself.

"Eggslut" would be a great name for a chicken.

Thanks to a diet of nothing but AMC Theater Combo Deals, Nicole Kidman now fits in Jared Fogle's old jeans.

Part of being an adult is knowing when you need to put yourself in after school detention.

FOOD RECALL ALERT: Kroger Shards of Glass Ravioli is facing a recall after it was discovered to be contaminated with four types of cheese.

When your therapist wants to tell you about their problems: