sometimes i look at henry’s forge and think he could totally cook a delicious pizza in there.

my 2 favorite cutscenes in kcd1 are - when johanka is standing on a ledge while preaching & the light shining behind her makes her look like a saint - henry + gang get ambushed, henry freezes when arrow flies at him & all you hear is him breathing right before arrow hits shield

how do i feel about brabant? well, when i rescued hans from maleshov i gave him my personal tier IV, freshly sharpened, dueling longsword without hesitation. when brabant complained i didn't give him a weapon, i threw him a shitty tier II 32% axe i randomly found on the way.

i know we all joke about how jealous hans & henry get with each other but once you think about how: 1. for hans, henry is his first friend & first love so of COURSE he’d be possessive 2. henry experienced deep loss so he’s going to hold on tight to his loved ones — hans especially

i realize that everyone was drunk but in my opinion the pack did NOT try hard enough to convince henry that fighting erik was a stupid idea. at least katherine was like, "you're being a dumbass!!" and she was right.

i role play henry, i dont play him as a stand-in for myself. so when im robbing innocent people and dishonorably killing the antagonists i shake my head in real life so the fbi agent watching me thru my webcam knows i disagree with his actions.

been reading a lot of kcd fics and these are my findings: lube edition. i have an endless fascination for smut logistics. yes, this is an open discussion, if you wish to share with the class.

when i say that henry would be the guy who does body shots at the bathhouse with a maid named Ludmila i mean that SHE is doing the shots off of HIM. salt on the abs. tequila in the bellybutton and everything.

hans’ hose clipping thru his waist and ankles tells me he has a different body model or something but i like to think that he just puts on old, ripped sweatpants for bed. or he’s in his punk rock, ripped tights era.

love kcd1 for its american accent jump scares

what would my job be if i lived in medieval times? im so glad you asked. i'd be a 62 year old rich widow's scandalously young boytoy lover who wears her late lord husband's rings and is suspected of aiding in his mysterious death, which was officially declared a hunting accident.

you have to have hella arm and back strength to be an archer. think about the mechanisms invented to wind up a crossbow just to match a skilled archer with a bow. Hans is described as being Zizka's *best* archer. He's not this delicate guy. he can FUCK you UP given the chance.

Hans being frequently described as a fantastic archer. yet, Henry is able to beat him in kcd1 so i like to think his mere presence discombobulated hans enough that his years of training totally failed him for that moment and that's truly where his obsession with henry grew

okay but think about this: henry forges hans a sword with "AUDENTES FORTUNA IUVAT" on the blade to match the latin on his own sword. and then when he presents the sword as a gift it feels like a marriage proposal.

people arguing about who’s the bottom in hansry. guys i appreciate the enthusiasm but thats a tier 4 advanced level of gay sex. those boys were NOT having anal their first time. or their tenth time tbh. ‘course that’s for realism’s sake. in fanfic anything goes.

i know samuel is the tavern owner, not the actual guy who serves drinks but i like to think that his diabolical eyebrow isn’t genetic but simply the way his face has formed after years of dealing with drunk patrons. the customer service facial trauma.

love musa’s little lore drops. like what do you mean you had political assassins coming after your family and that’s the least interesting about you lmfao???

my favorite piece of kcd Politics Plot writing is during Exodus when henry asks john what sort of documents he has in sam’s basement and john says he has Blackmail and Connections papers. S-tier writing right there.

cross posting my most banger tweets onto bluesky to give the most curated filter of my rambling thoughts. like a sieve for trashy thoughts.

good morning to those who celebrate.

i’ve logged the tf back in

henry of skalitz canonically being the model and muse to multiple artists is actually something so very important to me. like yes, he is beautiful and saintly, people are SO right.

kcd1 hans: noooo blacksmith boy don’t beat me at sword fighting nooo no ur muscles are so huge nooo you stink auuugh ur a stinky man take off your clothes (slowly) and get in the tub with me noooo ur dick is so huge ahhhhh the water is being displaced it’s everywhere aaaah

the problem with being a whore (personal experience) is that sometimes i buy questionable clothing items from the thrift w/out considering the fact i live in a uniform for 95% of my life. yes i did buy a powder blue crop top that says "TROUBLE" & shows of my entire two nipples

i miss dating women bc none of the guys i've been with recently ever wear eyeshadow. not even a lil eyeliner. i need partners who know how to put that shit on. WHERE IS YOUR SWAG? WHERE. WHERE.

nothing gives me more confidence than seeing people go thru my reject pile at the thrift. like dang u think my style is cool? (im entirely delusional)

turns out eating regularly, getting sunshine, and goofing with friends is the key to happiness. have people heard of this?

people being angry that mcr is woke is so fucking funny. dildo found in sex shop, like what were you expecting

No gods. No kings. No masters. Only men kissing each other

🍔

remember how hans spent *ONE* night with henry and that was enough for him to suggest moving in together so they could frot stupid style in peace. never forget this.

waking up on a saturday, watering my succulents. standing outside and admiring my plants. all while sipping coffee and wearing my chanclas…..feel like a grandpa in the best way.

my ballsack plant is getting wrinkly again. which means it’s watering time baby!!!! (yes i know i have to change pots and soil, it’s on my to do list)

wait, i wasn’t interested in the superman movie but now that i heard it’s pro-Palestine & not in a whack “both sides” way i HAVE to see what’s up a big budget superhero movie releasing w/ this message while the mainstream US narrative is staunchly eating isr**li boots is WILD

so many edit ideas but i have the attention span of an over-eager chihuahua

im not even a huge mass effect fan but i got a cool idea for an edit. i kinda wanna go for it but just the thought of collecting the required footage is exhausting me. i've played the series enough times to already have an idea of what scenes to use.

context: i participated in evilgang friday on twt started a thread & it was getting out of hand so long story short i ended up making a table on google sheets LMFAO. basically just kept going until i got bored. includes albums/EPs i would rate 4 stars & up. data based on my spotify, itunes, & CDs

henry stronger than me bc i would’ve hopped on that table, spread my legs, and given sigismund a full course meal wait WHAT who said that

you know when sigismund silently ordered henry to pour him wine with one finger, yelled at all the rich people at the banquet, gently touched henry’s shoulder and said, “You have nothing to fear. Not you.” Girl, I—

henry’s pettiness was there day 1. that man is NOT able to let go of a grudge. i still remember in KCD1 when i took him to repent in church and he said *BEFORE GOD MIND YOU*: “i’m sorry i killed that guy, he deserved it and he was a shitty person, but i’m sorry. amen 🙏🏼 “

and the gag is…i don’t even like mass effect like that…

my prediction for kcd3 is just hans capon’s twink death and subsequent dilf rebirth

Rabbi Jehuda 🤝 Sir Hanush of Leipa - becoming Bohemia’s premier gay matchmakers

Samuel’s grandfather telling him to guard Liechtenstein/keep him company thus accidentally setting in motion for them to start a love affair despite initial antagonizing impressions has the same energy has Hanush ordering Hans and Henry to go on their get-along-hunting-trip

i saw a comment under some fantastic kingdom come fanart saying, "what do they feed kcd artists?!?!" yeah so, that would be the sheer power of catholic imagery and gay sex

ugh.

hearing about ICE abductions just induces me into a rage. none of my family is undocumented. but coworkers. people in our community. they are simply disappearing. either bc of ICE or bc of fear. i have family in and around LA and they’ve said people are not showing up to work.

learning how to read in three days? defeating master swordmen after only a handful of training sessions? being sexually irresistible to half of the people he meets? that's mary sue behavior i fear.

what is kingdom come deliverance if not interactive historical fanfiction? henry of skalitz? that's warhorse's OC

started posting kcd2 edits when it first came out and NOTHING is funnier than reading old comments saying, “i don’t even go here but good for them,” (referring to hansry) or “what game is this??” and then the present day account is now called “DRY DEVIL X WET BOYTOY 😈💦💦”