Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months. No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game. It smells like Patrick Ewing.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.

What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.

No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk. Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in. And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.

While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible. Most shocking of all? Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."

Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

A Nobel Prize winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a fifteen-year-old boy. Though the arrest really shouldn't come as a big surprise. His Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste. And they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering: Porcelain land mines.

In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was "too fat to strip." Police warn that the woman is armed, and extremely fat.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. And in addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. Congratulations David Crosby's liver!

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.

Last week in Colorado, seventy-one guns were traded for Denver Nuggets basketball tickets, in a program called "Operation Cease Fire." However, in a sad example of just how tough it is to stop the violence, earlier today, two people were stabbed to death. With Denver Nuggets tickets.

In business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading, simply, "Don't leave home."

The 1997 "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out. And this year, a little bit of a change. Last year's number one, West Coast Rap Star, has been knocked out of the top spot. By the NEW most dangerous job in America: East Coast Rap Star.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three and a half years of marriage, he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn thirty.

O.J. Simpson had been discussing marriage with girlfriend Paula Barbieri, but reportedly she has called the wedding off. Her fear was that if they married, she would be brutally murdered. And then... someone would try to pin it on O.J.!

President Clinton toured flood-damaged sections of the Pacific Northwest this week, and promised that every flood victim will receive meals, blankets, and pup tents. Meanwhile, millionaire Steven Forbes promised every flood victim a case of champagne and a rare Austrian music box.

Our top story tonight... with growing indications the first lady, Hillary Clinton, may be indicted for her role in Whitewater, President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility. Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band, and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.

A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. Don't I know it. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh.

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere's new film "Primal Fear" was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, "Hey, uh, you think that gerbil story is true?"

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

Three of Hollywood's most powerful men - David Geffen, Steven Spielberg, and Jeffrey Katzenberg - joined forces last week to form their own movie studio. When asked what sort of films we can expect from them, the trio replied, "Mostly pornos."

In an effort to raise money for his enormous legal bills, O.J. Simpson this week began marketing a video which attempts to prove his innocence. Should the tape not sell, Simpson has a backup idea: His very own video of the actual murders themselves!

Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. It includes his latest poem, entitled "Ode to a country full of stupid, ungrateful bastards."

The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list of thirty changes to make air travel safer. Number one on the list? No more crashes.

Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel was over long before their divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Christie Brinkley. And that she was married to Billy Joel.

Queen Elizabeth the second visited Russia this week, becoming the first English monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union. The visit, which will last for two weeks, is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything whatsoever.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to "Roseanne" next year. So how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him.

Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premiere of his new movie, Interview With the Vampire. By sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole.

"Wrong Way" Corrigan, the man who once flew all the way to Ireland by mistake, died this week at the age of eighty-eight. "It was just like him," said his wife, "He was trying to live."

Three years ago, an eleven year old British school girl put a message in a bottle, and tossed it into the Atlantic Ocean. Well, this week she was astounded to receive a reply from halfway around the world. Sadly, the reply read, "You're eleven? What are you wearing?"

The FBI released this sketch of the man known as The Unabomber this week. And authorities immediately issued an arrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic.

According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are more likely to procrastinate than women. Except, when it comes to having orgasms.

Two twenty-three-year-old women in China this week have set a record, living twelve days in a room with eight hundred and eighty eight deadly snakes. They now hold a place-- a coveted place-- in the Guinness Book of World Retards

Last night, the epic disaster film Twister opened to big box office. And some controversy. The Reverend Jesse Jackson has called for a boycott of the movie. Claiming that not enough black people in the film are killed by tornadoes.

In business news, two of the nation's leading office supply retailers, Office Depot and Staples Office Supply, have announced a merger. Wall Street insiders are calling it "the most boring merger ever."

A fifty-one year old cosmonaut set a world space endurance record this week, after spending three hundred and sixty-seven days aboard the Russian space station MIR. And also, as a side note, he also smashed his own masturbation record.

Rap star Hammer is suing the Los Angeles Police Department, after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story? Hammer has an entourage.

Republican candidate Pat Buchanan has warned that, if front-runner Bob Dole chooses General Colin Powell as a running mate, his followers will march out of the Republican convention. Later, Buchanan admitted that, actually, his followers march everywhere they go.

O.J. Simpson's lawyers say they don't want the families of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in the courtroom during the trial. They're afraid the presence of the family members will just remind O.J. of how much more killing he still has to do.

In northern Florida, refuse from a paper mill has caused female fish to develop male sex organs. And, in a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno.

Imagine how bitter you have to be to come up with something like this

The New York City Transit Authority plans to put up signs in subway stations, asking city residents to be more polite when getting on and off the subway. Most New Yorkers say the idea sounds great. And that the new signs will make excellent urinals.

Tristar Pictures is planning a film about the seventies' disco act The Village People. While the movie will be coming out next summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come out to its parents.

Senator Strom Thurmond, at ninety-four, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress, has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examined the senator thoroughly got kind of nauseous.

Oh no! O.J. has struck again! How about that? Not a good thing.

In baseball news, Yankee captain Don Mattingly may be headed for Japan. Sources say that's he excited about the chance to play overseas. Particularly in a league where he would have the biggest hog.

Officials at the Philadelphia Zoo report they have actually been able to preserve sperm from an endangered one-horn rhinoceros. The sperm will remain frozen at the zoo until Michael Jackson comes by with a check and picks it up.