“The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful, it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth.” — Norm Macdonald

The Pope came out with a book this week. It contains a series of essays examining faith and morality in today's secular world. And the changing role of the Catholic Church as it approaches the twenty-first century. The book is entitled, "God Himself told me that O.J. is guilty."

Well, the annual list of most dangerous holiday toys is out. Number one this year? Mattel's Eye Poker Outer.

Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton's Christmas album, "This is the Time." Happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!

In a recent interview, actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she's married to cheats on her. Explaining, quote, "Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men." You can read more about her personal philosophy in my new book, "Goldie Hawn: The Greatest Woman Who Ever Lived."

In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in the trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, and appears to be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defense had only one question for each prospective juror: "What is your mailing address?"

Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday, at the age of eighty-three. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace. Until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of years.

Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a new book, called "You Can Make it Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success." Step number one? Become Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend.

A new study has found that Americans are in the best of health and the worst of health. Lifespans that can differ by as much as forty years from one U.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans are found in Stearns County, MN. While the shortest ones are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey.

Just days after she was freed by a Massachusetts judge, British nanny Louise Woodward has received numerous job offers from families seeking an au pair. Although her attorneys refuse to say precisely who has made these offers, speculation has surfaced that JonBenet Ramsey's parents are expecting.

In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increase the penalty for bouncing a check. (reaches down, pulls out a little voice recorder from his pocket) Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans in Alabama. Find state more accommodating to "The Norm Macdonald Lifestyle."

In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.

This week is Taxi Cab Appreciation Week. So, to all you taxi cab drivers out there, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a shower once in a while. How would that be?

In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26 mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.....at a Boston Marathon.

Well, there's good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?

"Legionnaire," star Jean-Claude Van Damme will join the French Foreign Legion. In the film, he is a playboy in 20s Paris, who flees a mob boss after falling in love with the man's mistress. Also, although it doesn't say anything about it... ... uh... I'll bet there's plenty of... uh... of KICKING!

Finally, according the U.S. News and World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is interactive business systems analyst. However, last year's worst job, assistant crack whore... ... has been replaced by a NEW worst job: Crack whore trainee.

And finally, the number-one selling doll this Christmas is "Tickle Me Elmo." And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.

And finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter. Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease. Either way, he'll be missed!

And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews. This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire." And here is my review: Um... not gay enough!

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extra-marital affair - saying, quote, "Frank did, and always does, what is right." Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.

This weekend, veteran news anchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton, for an election night commentary in which he called the President, quote, "boring and uncreative." Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."

In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.

After thirty years of nonstop touring, The Grateful Dead is finally breaking up. Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."

People in fourteen states have reported getting sick after eating Schwan ice cream. They're not sure which flavor is the problem. Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.

And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving. Or, as turkeys refer to it: "Murder Day."

Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor: Other Dogs' Asses.

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive.

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages. What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

Earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept. It was at that moment that he realized... He would never be able to kill her again.

(excitedly) Yippie!! Jerry Rubin died last week!! (pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly) Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week." Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.

In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications. So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.

Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months. No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game. It smells like Patrick Ewing.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.

What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.

No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk. Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in. And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.

While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible. Most shocking of all? Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."

Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

A Nobel Prize winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a fifteen-year-old boy. Though the arrest really shouldn't come as a big surprise. His Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste. And they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering: Porcelain land mines.

In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was "too fat to strip." Police warn that the woman is armed, and extremely fat.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. And in addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. Congratulations David Crosby's liver!

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.

Last week in Colorado, seventy-one guns were traded for Denver Nuggets basketball tickets, in a program called "Operation Cease Fire." However, in a sad example of just how tough it is to stop the violence, earlier today, two people were stabbed to death. With Denver Nuggets tickets.

In business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading, simply, "Don't leave home."