In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.

After thirty years of nonstop touring, The Grateful Dead is finally breaking up. Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."

People in fourteen states have reported getting sick after eating Schwan ice cream. They're not sure which flavor is the problem. Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.

And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving. Or, as turkeys refer to it: "Murder Day."

Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor: Other Dogs' Asses.

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive.

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages. What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

Earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept. It was at that moment that he realized... He would never be able to kill her again.

(excitedly) Yippie!! Jerry Rubin died last week!! (pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly) Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week." Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.

In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications. So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.

Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months. No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game. It smells like Patrick Ewing.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.

What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.

No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk. Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in. And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.

While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible. Most shocking of all? Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."

Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

A Nobel Prize winning scientist has been arrested on charges of sexually abusing a fifteen-year-old boy. Though the arrest really shouldn't come as a big surprise. His Nobel Prize was in child molesting.

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste. And they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering: Porcelain land mines.

In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was "too fat to strip." Police warn that the woman is armed, and extremely fat.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. And in addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. Congratulations David Crosby's liver!

At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program. He also wants some crack.

Last week in Colorado, seventy-one guns were traded for Denver Nuggets basketball tickets, in a program called "Operation Cease Fire." However, in a sad example of just how tough it is to stop the violence, earlier today, two people were stabbed to death. With Denver Nuggets tickets.

In business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading, simply, "Don't leave home."

The 1997 "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out. And this year, a little bit of a change. Last year's number one, West Coast Rap Star, has been knocked out of the top spot. By the NEW most dangerous job in America: East Coast Rap Star.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three and a half years of marriage, he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn thirty.

O.J. Simpson had been discussing marriage with girlfriend Paula Barbieri, but reportedly she has called the wedding off. Her fear was that if they married, she would be brutally murdered. And then... someone would try to pin it on O.J.!

President Clinton toured flood-damaged sections of the Pacific Northwest this week, and promised that every flood victim will receive meals, blankets, and pup tents. Meanwhile, millionaire Steven Forbes promised every flood victim a case of champagne and a rare Austrian music box.

Our top story tonight... with growing indications the first lady, Hillary Clinton, may be indicted for her role in Whitewater, President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility. Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band, and making a giant bathtub with margaritas.

A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. Don't I know it. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh.

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere's new film "Primal Fear" was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, "Hey, uh, you think that gerbil story is true?"

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

Three of Hollywood's most powerful men - David Geffen, Steven Spielberg, and Jeffrey Katzenberg - joined forces last week to form their own movie studio. When asked what sort of films we can expect from them, the trio replied, "Mostly pornos."

In an effort to raise money for his enormous legal bills, O.J. Simpson this week began marketing a video which attempts to prove his innocence. Should the tape not sell, Simpson has a backup idea: His very own video of the actual murders themselves!

Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. It includes his latest poem, entitled "Ode to a country full of stupid, ungrateful bastards."

The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list of thirty changes to make air travel safer. Number one on the list? No more crashes.

Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel was over long before their divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Christie Brinkley. And that she was married to Billy Joel.

Queen Elizabeth the second visited Russia this week, becoming the first English monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union. The visit, which will last for two weeks, is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything whatsoever.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to "Roseanne" next year. So how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him.

Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premiere of his new movie, Interview With the Vampire. By sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole.

"Wrong Way" Corrigan, the man who once flew all the way to Ireland by mistake, died this week at the age of eighty-eight. "It was just like him," said his wife, "He was trying to live."

Three years ago, an eleven year old British school girl put a message in a bottle, and tossed it into the Atlantic Ocean. Well, this week she was astounded to receive a reply from halfway around the world. Sadly, the reply read, "You're eleven? What are you wearing?"

The FBI released this sketch of the man known as The Unabomber this week. And authorities immediately issued an arrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic.

According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are more likely to procrastinate than women. Except, when it comes to having orgasms.

Two twenty-three-year-old women in China this week have set a record, living twelve days in a room with eight hundred and eighty eight deadly snakes. They now hold a place-- a coveted place-- in the Guinness Book of World Retards