Is it Thanksgiving 2028 yet?

Can’t sleep. I miss Marie.

I’m kind of a big deal.

This will definitely work.

I’m somewhere between starting my intermittent fasting routine today and reheating 4-day-old leftover Chinese at 10:30 a.m.

I really should go to bed but that would require getting up from the couch.

Never mind. I just woke myself up with my own snoring.

Who’s up for some fun?

Is there a starter pack for petless child dads?

I only misplace modifiers when I quote post.

I’m setting the bar high today. So I can’t reach it and pour a whiskey at noon.

The only open border I really give a shit about is Taco Bell at 2 AM.

I just dropped an egg and now I have to file for bankruptcy.

Resolutions off to a hot start.

YouTube TV is so far behind it’s actually already February. 🥂

For NYE I got two front row seats for my wife and me on the family room couch. Even better, the tickets come with a VIP pass that includes an open bar, buffet dinner, and a special encore session in the dressing room. Bring it ‘25 🥂🍾

I’m making biscuits and gravy for the family this morning and all you have to do is look at me to know it’s gonna be bussin’

I’m not usually one to brag but I’m thinking about taking a shower today.

Just curious - do any of you actually recognize me, or does the name Del Griffith mean nothing to you? I’m kind of a big deal.

Starting to think about my word for 2025. Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, each member of my family chooses one word to use as a personal theme and we frame the words on our kitchen wall. My word for 2024 was “appreciate.” It was kind of a blah year so I’m thinking about going with “fellatio.”

Driving almost 300 miles today to visit with family. No smoking in the car and I will NOT be wearing a parka. 🔥

Wishing all holiday travelers a safe journey with no flight delays or car fires.

Is there anything that sounds better right at this very moment than a McDonalds fountain Coke?

Since the government is for sale, let’s just all pitch in and buy it back. I know where Neal Page keeps his wallet.

I got a motto … like your work, love your wife.

Mike Lindell: God told me to create MyPillow. Me: (say it with me) … THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!

Yeah, I talk too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic … but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

If you’re traveling home in time for Christmas you might want to leave now. Just sayin.

I feel seen.

Six. Fifty-two. Whatever don’t judge.

I don’t discriminate much but THIS.

Six bucks and my right nut says we’re not getting a white Christmas this year.

Yeah, I talk too much. I also listen too much. Bored and lonely? I’m your guy!

I’m here to chew the fat. How about a nice hot dog and a beer?