"Ok...ok... Maybe if I stand reeaal still the other Republicans won't notice than I'm brown..😓"

"This is not okay. You shouldn't be making light of this tragedy and you need to consider his loved ones." --- people who had jokes when George Floyd was killed

Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio have decided to reject any and all acting gigs coming from woke California. In solidarity with them I will be refusing all requests to become a surrogate mother from this point forward.

Going back to the gym so I can visit my feet once in a while. I hope they're doing ok

Meanwhile, at MAC headquarters : "Has Violet found a foundation that matches?" "Yes sir. We've just had reports from the Ulta in Hunt Valley, MD." "Good. Now discontinue that sh-t Mwuhahahaa" "mwuhahaha" "Not you, Guillermo. Evil CEO laughing only."

Hi. Here are some shirt slogans for loggers I made up: 1.) I saw that 2.) I got 99 problems but a birch ain't one 3.) Lumber Jacked 💪 4.) Branch manager 5.) Every tree is the giving tree

You can tell a clothing site is fast fashion if the name sounds like something you can summon. "50% off all dresses on Beebalool"

Hi I'm Donkey Kong and this is my sidekick..... D. We just call him D these days 😒

Ok hear me out-- A DJ that only spins 90's music named DJ Tanner

"I'm putting real sugar in Coca Cola!" "I'm gonna deport Rosie O'Donnell!" "Obama is a traitor and I'm gonna arrest him!" He's trying EVERYTHING to distract from the Epstein files!" 🤣 He's one step away from pointing out into the distance going "What was that" then sprinting away from the podium

The Grim Reaper trying to appease us with Hulk Hogan. You know DAMN WELL that's not who we were hoping for...

He once saw a discarded popsicle on the ground and did a line of ants. 76 is pretty good.

Labubu sounds like how you'd say 'injury' in French

Today's Coldplay concert is sponsored by Ashley Madison

Hey, whatever distracts him

Today's weather is perfect if you've ever wondered what it would be like to breathe pudding

Redpiller : " the male loneliness epidemic must be dealt with." "I agree." ::transitions:: Redpiller: "NO I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE LONELINESS PART "

Just got a call from my dealership because my car texted them that it needed an oil change. Why is my vehicle better at self care than I am 😭

If anyone is friends with any female birds out there, please tell them that there is an eligible bachelor perched in the tree outside of my window. This little incel desperately needs a mate and prefers to shriek about it at 2:48 in the morning.

Me, driving : "I can't wait to get coffee this morn-" My brain (in a pirate accent) : "To the porthole To the hull, For sails and waves and gulls, Till all these keels get hauled, Till all yar yar landlubber Till all yar yar spot land"

Imagine being SO insufferable that the guy you were talking to just died. Like "eff this guy and his eyeliner. Deuces ✌🏾"

Conversation people have with themselves before heading to a coffee shop: "Hmm.. I could stay at home and watch TV on my nice big screen but NO! I must go out in public, that I may watch the same thing through on a tiny little screen in public at max volume For it is my sworn duty as an asshole 🫡"

"I can give you wealth, power, prestige. But it will cost your soul as well as the soul of your firstborn." "WTF, demon! TWO souls!?!!!" "Sorry dude it's the tariffs"

Right now they're casting for an Elon Musk biopic. According to Hollywood insiders here's the short list for people who are up for the lead role : 1.) Zendaya 2.) A cybertruck with hair plugs 3.) 3 incels in a trench coat 4.) apartheid 5.) An actual muskrat

Dudes on social media will be like : "I really want to post some heinous sh-t but first lemme hold this fish real quick"

The anti-DEI crowd are gonna be SUPER pissed when they see the casting for the Amityville reboot

It's a good thing some idiot didn't build a wall that would slow down all those Mexican firefighters

Tell them not to worry. Trump can't read so we'll probably end up invading Green Bay, Wisconsin

This picture of Marilyn Manson looks like The Hills Have Incels

People will see video of a beautiful trans woman and leave comments like "you still can't have a baby." Look at the birth rates. You ain't having kids either 🤷🏾‍♀️

Donald's new haircut. I call it the Kim Jong Ew

Woman on Tiktok : (Literally anything) Guy in the comments section : OMG IT'S AN EMERGENCY I MUST TELL HER SHE'S FAT

Evangelicals really think God was like : "How will you get revenge on me for casting you out of Heaven" And Satan was like : "Imma make two dudes kiss"

Gendernonconformia LeWrongbathroom is my Potter verse name

Every so often I think about how I know someone who identifies as a cis man but wears makeup, dresses and heels day-to-day and one time someone tried to misgender him with "SIR" but he didn't get offended and the guy got offended that he didn't get offended

My only concern with eating the rich is that eventually we have to get around to Batman

Werewolves should be called maul goths

Generic complaint about the younger generations that is the exact same complaint that I got mad about when older generations made it about mine

If generations were represented on the periodic table Gen X would be the noble gases. Mostly non-reactive, but with a low boiling point and full of neon

I keep hearing that Blue Eye Samurai is really good but I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch another film in the "white guy does your cultural stuff better than you" genre

If I wanted to cosplay the toxic waste guy from Robocop I could either buy a bunch of prosthetics and spirit gum and torn clothing, OR... www.cbsnews.com/baltimore/ne...

You know whose life must be a real roller coaster ride? The guy from the song "I Will Survive." He got broken up with soon as he came back from outer space

Renaissance Faire!

::opens door:: Dudes on the internet: "I'M MAD AT TAYLOR SWIFT!" "Why?" Dudes on the internet: "SHE WATCHED FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL IS RUINED NOW!" "Ah, ok" ::slowly closes door::

Got accused of "acting white" just because I re-emerged after fighting a Balrog 🙄

The Matrix should have been called "Human Resources"

We can't go around tearing down Confederate and Columbus statues, people. That's how we learn about the past. On a related note, did you know that most of human history was covered in bird sh-t?

Alanis morissette : "Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in, theate-" Lauren Boebert : "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED"