me: wow, I sure hope this giant gothic castle doesnt have any nefarious characters inside the ever terrifying Dracula awaiting my arrival:

me when I have to kill my mom because I want to

me: I miss when society was woke, I need to go back! *time travels to 2012* nigahiga: waddup mah ninja

stlll can't believe like a year ago my birth dad reached out to me and it was all good until he started talking about maga... I was chill about it like oh yeah im not a supporter of that even a little bit ... like at all but he kept PUSHING just spamming me with maga Facebook reels

fat white guy came into my job today with a hat that said "PURE BLOOD" with some kinda neo nazi symbol on it ok, cool, dude ur bloods "pure" but ur ugly and fat, like now what do we clap, do we cheer

I dont close my tabs and I take a million screenshots a day

I hate going to work because they make me do my job

tried to haggle at the flea market today and I think it took literal years off my life, I can't do it

she blue on my sky til I post

sorry I can't come into work tomorrow. I need free time and a good hearty breakfast, thanks

party like Eric Andre fight like Tim Robinson dance like Shane Gillis love like Nathan Fielder

hook, line, and stinker

I give nice people discounts at work so YEAH being nice DOES PAY OFF it pays exactly 15 PERCENT OFF, BIIITTCCHH!!!!!

white people be like: let's go grill hotdogs, I got a pack in the fridge right now

sometimes u just kno to not even bother looking at the first wipe, u just gotta drop it in and keep it pushin

if u didn't want me at my unemployed, u don't deserve me at my part time minimum wage job

oh ur sexting him? how my e-pussy taste

shouting rlly loudly, "WHOS OPENING CHIPS?" as i open a pad in a public restroom so now 1. everyone's fucking laughing and cheering 2. no one suspects it's me

"im a realist" "im a pessimist" ok well im an optometrist and u have glaucoma

I lowkey love playing retail simulator at work until it's interrupted by people trying to shop..... no I can't help u LEAVE ME ALONE!! IM WORKING!!!!!!!

growing up is realizing hullabaloo and howdy-do, musty prawns and timbuktu, yeltsy-bye and hibberty poo, kick em in the dishpan, hoo hoo hoo

missed the now you see me 3 $119 promo and now im going to starve to death

is this a safe space to admit I liked gnarly

im not fat, im well endowed