I slept without a panic attack or nightmare last night! That is cause to celebrate. I had a massage yesterday and then spent a few hours making phone calls dealing with mom’s estate and accounts. Maybe checking off some to-do’s helped. Lots more to do today.

I’m so happy coffee exists. It gives me something to look forward to when I get out of bed each day. This time of year is tough otherwise. Dark dreary mornings are not my fave.

Today we’re making gingerbread cookies. It’s the one thing my kiddo likes to make every year. I did not get to it before Christmas, but we’re doing it today. We will pass on making the house this year. Cookies will do.

Well I guess I should add my pic too.

Lost count of how many nightmares woke me last night. The last one ended with an anxiety attack at 5:30. But then I made a fantastic cup of coffee and now sit in the quiet before my kiddo wakes.

I’ve been at moms apartment all morning trying to get stuff sorted. And holy heck it’s a lot to do. I have been busy the whole time but yet feel like I’ve done nothing.

I bought myself a new mug for Christmas and it is bringing me joy today.

My mental break from estate stuff is over. It was good to take a few days off but I’m back into ‘must be done’ mode. Making a plan for the coming week so I have set tasks each day and don’t try to do too much.

Now that my pour over coffee advent calendar is done, I’m hoping to make the move away from my Keurig. Today’s coffee was a success using Fog City coffee by Java Blend. I think that advent calendar and the new kettle, grinder, and pour over dripper were my favorite gift I gave myself.

Our leftover turkey dinner has been had. Gifts are all opened, and we have zero commitments for the rest of the year. Well, maybe one or two sets of plans.

Kid has been awake since 2:45. I also couldn’t sleep as a kid at Christmas. No threats that Santa won’t come here though. Instead we had a few sleep stories and now she’s reading in bed while I drink my coffee in her room. Yawn.

I am not doing any estate stuff today. So instead, I’m overthinking. Years ago, she started doing Christmas Eve open house. She’d have rolls, meats, cheese, veggies… any family and friends could stop by. I missed it last year due to the snow.

I went for my walk, @kimisayswhat.bsky.social!

Today’s plans are heading back to the bank with my marriage certificate to show I am me, deal with the lease on mom’s apartment and maybe call Eastlink again to sort the cell phone. Then the next few days I’m taking off from executor-ing. They are for my daughter and I will find joy.

I didn’t feel like it but I made snickerdoodles last night. We needed cookies for Santa and these are so simple. I usually do gingerbread and we make and decorate a house and all. Next year, we will make them.

Today’s coffee advent calendar coffee is one from Anchored Coffee. That’s two from NS in my all Canadian coffee roasters calendar. It’s yummy.

Well I wasn’t so nice on the phone trying to cancel mom’s cell phone. This will be my downfall. Do not tell me I need to pay out her contract. She’s dead. I don’t care if she was on a two year contract. Sure maybe the phone needs to be paid out. I best stop making phone calls for today.

I’ve officially hit the angry stage of grief. I ranted the whole drive to the city. I yelled at the truck driver that didn’t move over to let me in. They didn’t hear me. Then I apologized. And now people who are living their happiest holiday life are making me mad. Like don’t you know my mom died?

Yesterday I sorted through family photos, divided them for my nieces, got my Christmas gifts ready to deliver. Today I open an Estate account at the bank and deliver presents. My nieces are fighting. It’s nasty and I am not getting in the middle. Grief and family can be so hard.

I’m cooking a turkey today. Yes today. We did the funeral yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow and the following days will bring. So since we are having a ‘home’ day, I’m cooking it. Christmas dinner may be nachos. Who cares. Not us!

Kiddo and her friend are playing Roblox. ‘bro, that fit is actually giving.’ I get the idea, it’s a compliment. But what is it giving?? I am officially an old parent.

That was fast. Power is already out.

I didn’t get any baking done this year and that’s ok. Maybe over the holidays we can bake our ginger bread house. Or not. I mean I could do it today. I have zero things that need to be done TODAY. But I’m going to opt to do nothing. Or more likely, plan to do nothing and then try to do a to do list.

I do not recommend planning a funeral while also trying to make sure Christmas happens for your 9 year old. I am exhausted.

My niece found the will!!!! Great niece had Beyoncé’s ‘to the left, to the left’ stuck in her head. The will was indeed, to the left. I swear I looked there Saturday but totally must have missed that spot.

Rescheduled the funeral home appointment for tomorrow. I don’t need to be risking car accidents to get there, or more likely, not getting back up the hill to my house after it. Feels wrong to pause. But one day isn’t going to change anything majorly. Maybe I just need to slow down.

I’ve been sleeping better most nights in the last week. Grief exhaustion I guess. But the anxiety kicks in early so I’m up super early. I could use a day of rest if it’s a snow day, but also, kinda need to get to the at funeral home appointment. Life goes on.

How to forget about your troubles… get assigned to the preschool room when you volunteer at the dance recital! Woo those kids have energy!

Taking a break from grieving daughter today to be a proud dance mom. Going to watch my kiddo in two recitals today where she gets to go live her passion. Can’t wait to see her on stage!

My mom passed peacefully yesterday. She’d been in a deep coma all week. As I was saying goodbye and telling her I’d miss her always, a single tear fell from her eye. Maybe that’s a normal part of passing, but I’m taking as a sign that she heard me.

Blessing for the week is I’ve had the chance to spend time with so many family members. I have some awesome cousins and nieces and aunts and uncles. My 22 year old niece taught me how to pay for coffee with my phone yesterday! She rocks.

I need to get through today. Then I need to get through tomorrow. Then Sunday is my daughter’s dance recital so I need to get through that. Not sure how long mom will hang on, but I need to get through until then. Then I can get sick, and rest. Not before.

I woke at 2:15 with an anxiety attack. Stomach issues, exhaustion, shivering etc. I waited for the phone to ring to say my mom has passed. It didn’t ring. I didn’t get back to sleep. Now am I sick or am I just feeling the grief and the weight of this week and today? I’m guessing the latter.

Getting myself mentally prepared to head to the hospital again. My mom is in and she won’t be coming out. Likely not at all, but if she does, she will not be the same woman that went in Sunday. Mornings are when my feelings come. The rest of the day, I hold it together for my nieces and aunt.

I have a recommendation for hospitals. Dedicated private crying booths. Like a phone booth but somewhere you can just go, have a moment to yourself, and pull yourself back together again like nothing happened.

November was a MONTH and seems December is following suit. Headphones and EMDR playlists for anxiety relief are saving me today. As is the sunshine.

Phew. Managed to get tickets for my kids dance recital before it sold out! One less stressful holiday thing to do.

Day 6 of my coffee advent calendar and I think I’m getting the hang of the pour over game. These coffees aren’t always my favourite but I’m consistently making a very good cup of coffee! The scale makes all the difference.

I took myself out for a sunshine filled walk. I’m still tired and in a mood, but that was a good downtown walk. There is still some good in this day!

Today has been a lot. Panic attack at 4 a.m., power out at 5:45, fun drive to the office after taking the kid to school. But still a full day ahead. TGIF.

Well first time really getting to enjoy our generator…

I’m so over this flash freeze type of weather with the fresh paving on Peggy’s Cove Road that STILL doesn’t have any painted lines. I hate dark night driving in the rain and this makes every drive an adrenaline filled, white knuckle drive. Yay for parent teacher night.

I treated myself to a coffee advent calendar this year. It is whole beans. I also treated myself to a new grinder and pour over dripper. I'm amazed that I have made two very good cups of coffee so far! Following instructions and using my scale for the win!

First two nights of supplements for sleep went well, but last night, nah. Panic attack, terrible sleep. Oh well. I have high hopes that this coffee will fix enough to not only let me function, but enjoy this Monday at the office. So far, so good.

Night two of trying some supplements to help me sleep and my daughter has been awake since before 4. Some day I will sleep, right?

Took a half vacation day today to chaperone my kiddo’s field trip to see the local high school musical. Sitting in the parking lot now waiting and feel so far removed from that high school era!

Making nuggets and fries at 10:30 so my kiddo won’t be hungry when she goes to the movies with friends today. Food allergy and celiac momma, always have to feed them before sending her out without me!

Have any of you perimenopausal women experienced hair loss? I have been experiencing more loss each wash, but tonight noticed a quarter sized bald patch on my head. Google tells me hormonal shifts, stress, plus many other things.

I bought myself a coffee advent calendar back in August with coffees from Canadian roasters thinking future me would be excited. I was right! It should arrive this weekend! Now to master the pour over before December 1.

I’m at 24 kids now. I’m getting cold and my kid isn’t home yet. I hear many more up the road.