People get so mad when you tell them that what they believe is an urban legend. Like Jesus.

I was in the elevator when the power went out and I said, “Oh. That’s not good.” It wasn’t good.

“And he’s talking with Davy, who’s still in the Navy…” 🤔 “And he’s talking with Barney, who’s still in the Army…” 🤔 “And he’s talking with Claire Morse, who’s still in the Air Force…” 🤔 “And he’s talking with Rational Bard, who’s still…”

And the man in the back said everyone attack and it turned into a

If you are sure that a French person ruined your hot tub can you yell, “J’acuzzi!”

There are so many fireworks here all the time that when Trmp dies I won’t know it!

I am unclear on how ICE in airports will work. If someone’s arriving, they’re not claiming to live in the US. If they’re leaving, will they be questioned to see if they should leave?

Me: I like Michelle Obama but who would carry a purse with her picture on it? Also Me: Carrying a purse with Jayne Mansfield’s picture on it.

People in knit hats when it’s 90 degrees… what’s wrong?

Is the SNL “Schweddy Balls” sketch a satire of terrible, reverse-engineered jokes? Have I missed the underlying theme?

I can’t wait to get my blood test back and once again see that all of my numbers are in the “normal” range but I’m still extraordinarily unhealthy.

I made no small amount of fragile males cry today by simply not caring that Chuck Norris died. I even got a DM! Look at me!

I don’t care who Banksy is. I don’t care who anyone is. I like the art. If the artist is a guy named Jeff, then great.

RIP Nicholas Brendon

Fragile tough guys upset that famous tough guy homophobe dies and some people are glad about it. Hashtag weak.

Bonsai! BANZAI!!!!!

You can have your funds in 8-10 business years or instantly for a fee of $738 plus a finger of your choosing.

Cucumbers on your eyes do nothing!

Let’s play: Liev Schreiber or Dave Bautista?

I used to be made of hardy stock. Now I’m made of hardly slop.

Corned Beef and Cabbage. You know there are other Irish foods, right? Like Boiled Potatoes, Boiled Chicken and Boiled Cake.

“He plays a sadistic serial killer, but he’s really a nice guy!” NO WAY I THOUGH HE REALLY ATE PEOPLE’S SKIN.

I don’t wanna pay my car registration. It’s the same car! 😩

Justice for Bugonia. Justice for weird directors!

Oscar Party nibbles: Frank-and-Beans-Stein. One Cracker After Some Butter. Bluegummya. Marty Taco Supreme.

The reason your favorite artist isn’t in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame yet isn’t because they’re “snubbed” it’s because they induct DIFFERENT ARTISTS EVERY YEAR. Dummies.

Rosario Dawson’s Creek

Laura Loomer’s face is All Five Nights at Freddy’s.

I’d be a terrible parent. First of all I don’t know how anyone knows how to discipline. Crying would make me give them everything they wanted. I’m terrified of bad things happening so they’d never leave my sight. “You can have a pony but it and you can’t leave the house” is my parenting style.

I want to just travel the country by car and take photos of signs and buildings. This is my dream.

People on Facebook marketplace list “Fully operational restaurant $600,000” and there’s a photo of Burrito King. YOU’RE NOT SELLING BURRITO KING, FOOL.

Won’t get me into one of them driverless cars! I’m not ending up on a ship in a freight container.

Welp, you can’t Windom Earle!

I want someone to throw me a surprise party so I can say, “You GUUUUUYS!”

I’ve no I interest in acting but I’d like to be in a blooper reel.

No matter what kids do, they’re wrong. People grow into adults and complain about These Kids. Every generation. It’s fucking boring.

Ratatouille is NOT the rat’s naaaaaaame!!! Aaaugh!!! 👨🏻‍🍳 🐀

If I didn’t have to pay rent, I’d be doing ok.

How many Hipster Dads pushing strollers and wearing Deftones shirts can fit into the Atwater post office?

As a chunky person, I don’t think I can wear a Superchunk shirt. Or Cake. Or Meatloaf. Vanilla Fudge. Cream. Bread. Archers of Loaf. Smashing Pumpkins or Cranberries are ok though.

When even nice, outcast-y guys get a little popularity, many of them turn into insufferable bro-holes.

The movie Roller Boogie isn’t streaming anywhere.

I think Virgil/Sunset/Hollywood Blvd might have this March Madness Intersection thing locked.

Name? Shropshire Slasher. Occupation? Shropshire Slasher.

Everyone at the UPS Store knows that the last seven bras I ordered didn’t fit me.

Albert Rosenfield speaks about Twin Peaks like I talk about the town where my mom lives.

I’m so sick of everyone.

Every time someone in a movie or on tv gets a tattoo, it gets infected.

Wah it’s raining! Wah it’s hot!

Our admin doesn’t care about American children; why the hell would they give a whit about Iranian children?