When I was in 7th grade I wore a “oui” t-shirt to my class trip to Great Adventure and I didn’t know it was a porno mag, I just thought it was French. No one stopped me.

Elon Musk resembles a chewed-up piece of Wrigley gum.

I dig Mamdani. No Cuomo.

Dear Package Thieves, So. My Draino wasn’t good enough for you to steal, huh? I suppose YOU never get drain clogs. Well aren’t. You. Special. You think you’re better than me? - #604

When did bras give up on adjustable straps? That’s one of the most important things on a bra!!

Now the boo-hoo-ing begins. Ignore it.

Go Dirty Jerz.

Euripides pants, I puncha you face. Needs tweaking. Something Greek. Euripides pitas I puncha you face?

Anyone who discourages you from fighting back is a wussy or a maga.

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to build a city on “rock and roll.”

LAPD can’t wait for the Dodgers parade so they can tear gas everyone and terrify children by smashing their dad’s face into the pavement.

Fuck the police attacking people coming home from the Dodger game.

Go Jays.

Threw my back out while vomiting. Throw up throw out. Now flat on the bed.

I’m part Canadian. And a bird. And I hate ICE. So go Jays again.

Any other horrible substances want to come out of me today? I think we’ve covered everything.

Spittles

A vampire that’s not Dracula. My gf.

Angel Hair spaghetti makes me feel like I might choke.

Go Jays again.

People are coming out of their houses in pajamas to confront ICE. You have no excuse. Wah wah the Nazis will get mad.

The Yoshinoya on Wilshire and Alvarado no longer plays the alarm all night. You’re welcome.

Most haircuts are bullshit.

Small dogs think they are big and can defend the neighborhood against threats like bears and lions. Big dogs think they are small and can fit on your lap like a snuggly wittle baby.

Go Jays.

More from the scene

Voted YES on 50. By mail. Vote counted. Fuck you. 🖕🏻🖕🏽🖕🏿

What, if anything, did the No Kings protests accomplish? I've seen that pop up in everything from genuine inquiry to sneering dismissal. For anyone asking or facing that question, here's an answer. Everything isn't all fixed, of course. But the protests accomplished at least these seven things:

No one thinks Curtis Sliwa is gonna be mayor of NYC. Jesus Christ. May as well nominate Steve the security guard from Jerry Springer.

Big surprise: MaxFunHQ is moving! Not so surprising: moving is expensive! If you want to help us out, we're selling vintage MaxFunDrive gifts and merch, as well as naming rights to just about everything in the new office. These are going fast--we're already out of toilets--so act now if you want in!

RIP SPACE ACE!!!!!! YOU WERE INSANE.

Starting to change my mind about the whole King George thing.

Little known fact, but the Walter Matthau character in The Bad News Bears was based on me.

George Costanza has a hamster and no one ever references it.

The Pissing Calvin decal is the worst thing to happen.

It rains for an hour here and cars slide into each other, flood waters rush down streets, trees topple, small dogs get blown away. It’s like a 2000s disaster movie but there’s no John Cusack.

It’s time for graffiti that means something. Yeah you climbed to the top of a building and wrote HOPES like 8 million of your other tags around LA, but now is the time to do some meaningful shit in this fucked up reality. We’ve seen OZZY and BLOOP and FART already. Step it up. Send a damn message.

Client has new ideas.

Tag yourself in this Hieronymus Bosch painting. I’m the naked lady with a blueberry for a head who is fucking a fish.

The way certain people don’t remember something you’ve talked about with them several times. It feels like a prank or a joke.

That lady in the commercial has Betsy Sodaro on her eyelash.

Anyone seeing Ghost World at Vidiots on the 18th hmu.

A place that sells only gauzy, filmy, see-through fabrics called Ethereal Material.

I saw Lisa Loeb using a water bottle that looks like a CAN OF AQUA NET HAIRSPRAY.

“Is it a productive cough?” No, it’s doing a Sopranos rewatch.

I never liked Bill Burr. Oh look at me I’m a tough Boston dude I tell it like it is. Argle bargle. Meh.

This cough better not turn into something. I will be so pissed.

Why are things “dripping” with sarcasm?

So the Yoshinoya on Alvarado plays an alarm all night long to deter loitering and the whole neighborhood just has to listen to it I guess.

Dear Josh, We came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore, you are gay. signed, Tiffany and Amber