applying for that job at Omelas where the utopian society is fueled by constant unimaginable suffering of a child already uploaded my CV & now just filling out all the forms again by hand with all the same info lol wish me luck; things have been prEtsy bleak out here for your boy

#mtg #magicthegathering

WHICH ONE (1) WOULD *YOU* RATHER SEE? a) SHARK LAKE or b) SWAN-NADO?

Me: “He’s a 550-point Gangrel Sheriff with Dementation, Visceratika, & a grudge against the Sabbat! Devon: what? Me: “HE‘S a 45-year-old divorced father of 3 with severe depression & ADHD! Devon: Wow. Me: “THEY FIGHT CRIME. FOR THE CAMARILLA.” Devon: Me: The second one is me. Devon: Got that.

them: y’know maybe an “Epstein List” isn’t something that comes from a DOJ, or a CIA, or a Mossad them: maybe the REAL epstein list is the friendships ████ made along the way them: you ever think about that? no, you only think about yourself us: so we’re gonna have to start stacking bodies, huh?

Andor is so good that i’m legitimately angry its Star Wars Star Wars: A Media Franchise™️©️ includes some of the most dogshit, nakedly cash-grab cultural detritus ever produced, and is ALSO a gross engine of exploitation owned by some of the worst people to ever live Andor f’n too good for Star Wars

Important proxies, Scud: The Disposable Assassin edition. #mtgcommander #magicthegathering #scud

i mean holy shit this timeline is fucking weird

Important proxies, Giant Robo edition. #mtgcommander #mtgproxies

remember

Someday I‘ll admire what appears to be an illustration & be informed the image is Ai It’ll feel, I think, much like I bit into a brownie that turned out to be Actual Shit™️ I won‘t be convinced that the slop was “art all along” I‘ll be convinced that some folks can’t be trusted not to shit in food

dear Edgar Wright & Stephen King, i am very sorry that I did not see “The Running Man“ this weekend and won’t see it next weekend; it is NOT because i don‘t want to 😞 we’re just wrapping up this whole “civilization“ thing at the moment and film-viewership is down thanks again for everything! 🥰

“It’s almost 2026; a decade ago I was promised sex-robots by now! Where’s MY sex-robot!? Waah waah waaah!” that’s what you whiny crybabies sound like Elon Musk has been sticking his genitals in toasters & trying to trick a machine into smiling at him for OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS you ungrateful shits

i feel like this year a lot of you have forgotten the true meaning of Toyotathon

a reminder to anyone with more money than the rest of us: you are playing the Ultimatum Game! 😊 did you know that larger rats, when play-fighting, will purposefully lose about 30% of the time? this is because social animals instinctively experience intense joy at the opportunity to eat defectors!

Sound of Music 2 Sound 2 Music SoM3: Sounder The So¥nd 4 Mu$ic Hills!: Musicer SIXound VonTrapps vs. Arch-Hitler Seven of Music 8Sound/Music8 Th9 Soun9 o9 Von Trapps “A Hawaiian Total Mystery!” Lisel’s Vegas Wedding [Untitled Baron Von Trapp Prequel] Scooby meets the Von Trapps/ Harlem Globetrotters

actually she’s only a ‘MILF’ if John Cho from the East Great Falls region of Michigan, circa 1999, wanted to fuck her otherwise she’s just a sparkling cougar

Important proxies, Castlevania edition.

they should invent a version of namaste that means, like, “the tism in me vibes at the same frequency as the tism in you, my friend“ and another one that means “yeah lady i’m sure your kid is on the spectrum; as the grown adult selling them elf-cards, now pls stop interrupting our rad conversation”

Your FLGS Magical thGathering post-game etiquette guide (it *WILL* be enforced!): Optimal: “Good game.” Suboptimal: “Fuck your deck, pickle-shart.” Inappropriate: “In response I disrobe; your scoop does NOT resolve. Now sit back down so Mommy can spank your naughty little tush the way she likes.”

The one thing I do appreciate about the US is that no other culture I have ever encountered would produce a folksong where the devil challenges a kid to a duel in an obvious morality play about hubris and then the kid just absolutely kicks his ass and wins the fiddle Moreover, ICE must be destroyed

Cleric: You’re SURE this is safe? Wizard: I believe it was Dr. Hugo Strange, Chief of Medicine at Arkham Asylum, who said “fuck it, it’s not like this’ll make the Joker *more * crazy: let’s fire up them electrodes.” Cleric: Cleric: ooh that’s not good Barbarian: Hurry UP! My wig glue is drying!

Paladin: b-but what would the FOUNDING FATHERS think? Warlock: i don’t give one hot & greasy pickle-shart what the Founding Fucking Fath- Barbarian: ACTUALLY Barbarian: yeah uh *actually* it’s “The Thouding They-bors”. Barbarian: so … Warlock: ew i hate that Paladin: yeah wow NO ONE likes that

Barbarian: GAH Cleric: Oh? Pickle jar again? Heh. “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” Barbarian: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Cleric: Cleric: My apologies; do feel free to imagine Sisyphus however you like. Barbarian: THANK YOU. Cleric: (resumes reading scripture) Barbarian: (goes, gets chainsaw)

USA Photo of the year

just having some fun with proxies

Drow: Dark elven has no word for “boyfriend”; our closest term better translates as “devoted foot-servant (horny)”. Bard: I immediately renounce all loyalties to serve Lolth! Cleric: No. Bad. Drow: Interestingly, your word “hello” means “hot MILFs in your area (the Underdark) want me (my blood)”!

Monk: Hello. My pronouns are they/them because I have the heart of a thousand warriors. Monk: Two of them are Cheech and Chong. I feel that this last humorous statement makes me more approachable. Bard: Bard: Okay! So that … *IS* a pick-up line! What else ya got? Monk: That is all I have so far.

Bard: I can’t figure out this stupid lock. Monk: I am also stumped. Barbarian: STAND BACK, IDIOTS. Cleric: Wow. You‘d think ONE of us would have a double-digit Intelligence score, right? Barbarian: (angrily headbutting door labeled “Pull”) THAT’S RIGHT, 9 OUTTA 10! THE *HIGHEST* NUMBER THERE IS!

Paladin: Ok everybody take a knee. We gotta talk battle-cries. All: (booing) Paladin: This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about! Barbarian: I just yell AX! Cleric: Mine is “I disapprove of heresy;” I’m not changing it. Bard: *solos THROUGH THE FIRE & FLAMES on bagpipe, hip-thrusting seductively*

Day 15 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! … and in the end, dear reader, Vecna was defeated by the most unlikeliest of creatures: a German Shepard in pre-war formalwear wearing rocket-skates and wielding the Buster Sword.

Day 14 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Last I checked, the canon in-game Sword of Kas is a +6 keen unholy vorpal(!) bastard sword that grants +10 to Strength. That’s a LOT. This feels like it'll fit the bill nicely.😊

Day 13 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! What dreadful mind dares set in motion the return of Vecna? What undying evil? What total irredeemable a-hole!? Dralnu, Lich Lord is- I’m terribly sorry to say- 100% “that Lich”.

Day 12 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Citadel Cavitius, lair of Vecna, drifts across the Plane of Ash; from this tomb, his unholy presence reaches forth to subjugate all reality. ARE YOU *BADASS* ENOUGH TO STOP HIM!?

Day 11 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Saint Cuthbert of the Cudgel teaches us that foolishness - like for example, Vecna’s plan to rule the universe from beyond the grave - can be beaten. In the face. With a hammer!

Day 10 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Obad-Hai, the Shalm, the Old Faith, is neutral in all things, eternal & cyclical: he’s “where nature-gods go to unplug”. Even THIS guy hates Vecna. *That's* how bad Vecna sucks.

TRAGEDY STRIKES: local man who loves koalas just realized that, if koalas could talk, they would undoubtedly be racist as shit :(

Day 9 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! There is not one mortal brave enough to face Vecna ... FOR THERE ARE EIGHT. (or more, I’ve lost track of the team's roster; I'm pretty sure Wolverine was a member back in the 90s)

Day 6 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Vecna is the enemy of all life, all hope, and all civilization ... but of all the people he hates, The Raven Queen herself just *might* be the one who hates him back the very most.

Day 4 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Who would DARE stand against the Whispered One, the Undying King? Ioun the Knowing Mistress, Lady of Prophecy & Skill, is unafraid to oppose the so-called master of evil secrets!

Fascists: ARMED PANTHERS ARE AT THESE EVENTS, RECRUITING Libs: first off how DARE you Panthers: yeah, we’re not recruiting Everyone: Panther: promise Panther: no seriously Me: shit, yeah? it would be a whole lot cooler if you did I feel like, but i respect your decision based on your expertise

i think that inflatable costumes & dancing increases are part of an important barometer measuring an abstract “America’s tolerance for bullshit” these are *important* indicators i’m seeing a lot of canaries all over the floor of this coal mine, so it’s very cool that the frog is still dancing!

oh my god If i- if I made something like THIS about myself, about me *doing* this, using Ai, it … i wouldn’t want my children to know not anyone it would be the most shameful thing I had ever done; you could not WATERBOARD it out of me I would not post it online. truthsocial.com/@realDonaldT...

What did you do for a Klondike bar? WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Day 3 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Our first "replacement card" on the event's Universal Sideboard, this card overwrites the preexisting Hand of Vecna during the play.

Day 2 of our 15-day countdown to the RISE OF VECNA team-vs.-team, Commander-format D&D / M:tG crossover special event! Who dares stand against the apocalyptic tide of Vecna’s shadow? ONLY SAINT CUTHBERT, MOTHER-SINNER! Foolishness *CAN* be beaten!