Cleric: So. All: Cleric: SOMEONE tested positive for performance-enhancing Tylenol and is casting at three times the autism of a grown man with a Muppets-themed Commander deck. Wizard: On advice of my lawyer, to my knowledge I was AT THE TIME drinking perfectly ordinary wizard-standard mescaline.

Monk: A shame that wizards seek MAGICAL power & so become evil liches. All: wow that’s deep All: Bard: Wait. No one EVER turned evil from double-jump-kicking people in the face? What about Akuma from Street Fighter 2? Monk: Akuma is a misunderstood genius. This is exactly what I’m talking about.

MORE BANNED WIZARD SPELLS 2026 - sodomize credit score - NO - gullible DM - reverse bullshit - 🔥🍆🔥❌👀 - Mambo #6 - negate empanada - lactate self - lactate other - lactate monster, mass - shred dignity - dickbutt - kick the DM in the nuts and then erase all the bad guy‘s HP while he’s crying & puking

Rogue: Welp. Looks clear. All: Cleric: oh god DAMMIT okay fine SOMEONE has to go first one-two-three-NOT-IT Everyone: NOT IT. Paladin: Oh! Not it! All: Barbarian: Yay! I getta in-BEST-igate! With my tinfoil hat that makes me ‘mune to lasers! Wizard: (adjusts goggles) Yes. Completely “immune”.

Music added. Hosted on YouTube as BSky video uploads always fail for me. youtu.be/2x5-JtDhTns

Bard: Ooh, look at all the FANCY people at this party! Wizard: Wow! The mayor! The mayor’s wife! The ex-mayor! The ex-mayor’s ex-wife! The deputy mayor! … And his husband! Cleric: Ugh. I *hate* intrigue missions. And stop pickpocketing! Rogue: (under 500K gold in jewelry) I WILL DO NO SUCH THING.

World’s Most Useless Leftist: WMUL: kay first i’ll write “Anti-ICE” on my bullets WMUL: a slogan i’ve seen often at Antifa©️ Organization Meetings™️ WMUL: now i’ll sneak up on an ICE facility & shoot some ICE guys WMUL: shit oops shot a detainee WMUL: again lol WMUL: WMUL: better unalive myself

Cleric: Oh, lord … why‘re you idiots in time-out NOW? Bard: Publicizing a fake rapture. Wizard: Faking a rapture. Rogue: Selling various rapture-insurances & memorabilia. Cleric: Cleric: Please just tell me you’ve all learned an important lesson. Barbarian: (wearing rapture-proof pants) NEVER.

Entire Party: (in jail) Paladin: (fuming) Barbarian: (snoring) Cleric: Oh c’mon! How was *i* supposed to know that they were a “Lawful Good“ snake-necromancer cult? Paladin: WE FOUGHT AN INTERDENOMINATIONAL CHARITY BEACH VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENT. Rogue: (cheating at craps) Guys? Best weekend EVER!

BANNED WIZARD-SPELLS [2026] - cause isekai - reverse delayed blast reverse fireball - vengeful ferret - Chaos Orb, all Moxes - ‘a free higher-level spell-slot’ the spell! - agitate Toby - thirty-seven car pileup - remove sphincter - *all* kakistomancer spells - quicken Tarrasque - inspect flatulence

when your friend says he’s got your trans homie’s back, ride or die, lone sword drawn at the gates of hell

For those of you not on Tumblr, this is what you’re missing.

I stand with PBS. I stand with NPR. I stand with Stephen Colbert. I stand with Jimmy Kimmel. I stand with the First Amendment. PERIOD.* *Also #ReleaseTheEPSTEIN_Files

hey ABC / Disney, $2.99 for six months of D+ and Hulu ain’t gonna cut it. You’re embarrassing yourself You’re the Mouse, bitch. As in “don’t fuck with the Mouse”. Whatever happened to that? You’ve got the lawyers. I know you do. You’ve got power. Make ‘em release the Epstein Files and we’ll talk.

Rogue: Hey, where’s the wizard? Barbarian: LET’S FIND OUT. -later- Village: (burning) Rogue: Mistakes were made. Barbarian: Did you know!? If you set wands on fire, it makes WACKY colors; if you try to put ‘em out with potions, it’s even WACKIER! Cleric: I left you unsupervised for 10 MINUTES.

This whole timeline is so fucking stupid, *especially* because “Nicky Fuentes & the Groypers” would be a kiss-ass name for a ska band.

I, for one, admire ABC/Disney’s choice to follow the immortal advice the Commodore, Louis Kaestner, gave to James “Jimmy Irish” Darmody. You so rarely see an organization with *that* many lawyers lift their skirt for a guy with a sub-45% approval rating. This gambit will be studied years from now.

Necromancer: Are you okay? Paladin: uh i just Warlock: Safeword? Paladin: (blushes, nods) Warlock: Okay, you heard ‘em! Everybody out of the pool! Necromancer: But … but they’re the TOP! Cleric: (spits out ball-gag) HEY, THE RULES ARE THE RULES! Bard: (muffled) and can someone grab me a soda?

Quick question: www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8S5YdsR/

Bard: But we HAVE to interrogate this random townsfolk! Cleric: Yes. Do you HAVE to use “Good Cop, Bad Cop, Silent Stoic Cop, Psycho-Murder Cop”? Monk: (nods) Warlock: (revving chainsaw) TOO LOUD SORRY CAN’T HEAR YOU Cleric: Cleric: fine just this once Entire Party: YAA! Random Townsfolk: uhh

Stray thoughts: www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8SfGdFM/

Bard: Cuttin‘ up that lil’ plastic six-pack holder? Wizard: Yep! ALWAYS! Bard: …ok? Trying to save the fishies, huh? Wizard: No. Bard: no? Wizard: No. I HATE ALL FISH. But sea-turtles keep Dread Lord Cthulhu at bay. Everything else in the ocean CAN BURN IN HELL. Bard: Bard: (backs out slowly)

Cleric: Welcome, my child—? Druid: Cleric: no uh YOU welcome to confession HA NAILED IT All: Cleric: (sets out pamphlet about hell) Druid: (sets out pamphlet about wolves eating billionaires, cues up Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman”) Cleric: (sweating) Cleric: damn that’s pretty good

Paladin: This armory RULES! Swords! Shields! …OTHER swords! Warlock: (pouts) Paladin: ugh fine where do YOU want to go? -LATER- Clerk: Welcome to Tactical-Combat Hot Topic. Warlock: I need a Hazbin-Hotel-themed tactical-combat bikini, roller skates, choker, and cat ears. Clerk: Right this way!

Wizard: Pft. Those are NOT lava sharks. Rogue: REALLY? What ARE they, then? Bard: Oh, I have a guess! Maybe they’re YOUR WHORE MOTHER. Paladin: (kicking) I’LL KILL YOU. Cleric: Hey! Can we have this argument when we’re not ALL CHAINED-UP above a VOLCANO!? Everyone: Everyone: (resume bickering)

Warlock: (wearing fake mustache) FEAR NOT! Tis I, the great detective! Butler: Maid: Warlock: Indeed! I am Sir Dr. Wravenhurst H. Poe of Ghastlychurch & Poe Occult Investigators, here to SOLVE THE CASE! Everyone: Warlock: Wait. Have you guys not committed the murder yet? Cleric: STOP. HELPING.

Cleric: Welcome, my child. Barbarian: (plops on floor) THIS SUCKS. Cleric: … most people use the chair, but okay. What’s your confession? Barbarian: The rogue taught a monkey to hustle people at three-card monte! Cleric: Cleric: I’m not dealing with this today. Barbarian: I WANT MY CANDY BACK.

Cleric: Why‘re you idiots in time-out? Necromancer & Rogue: [yelling over each other]-CORPSES! Cleric: Cool. And you? Paladin: Said a bad word while apprehending them. Cleric: Cool; so YOU’RE…? Barbarian: IN CHARGE OF TIME-OUT CORNER I’m DEP-OO-TIZED! Cleric: Paladin: It was a VERY bad word.

Cleric: You RUINED the sermon I asked you to proofread. Bard: I made it WAY better! All your sermons are boring two-hour rants in a language no one speaks about how whatever random dumb god you worship hates cabbage! Cleric: GASP! That’s how whatever random dumb god I worship LIKES it! He SAID so!

Wizard: TIRED OF BUTTERING YOUR OWN POP-TARTS!? Everyone: Cleric: You look TERRIBLE; have you slept? Wizard: SHUT UP & BEHOLD TART-POPPO TEN-BRAZILIAN! Everyone: Bard: Why‘s it covered in spikes? Rogue: Why does it have TWO flamethrowers? Wizard: Ha! And yes, it DOES attack random bystanders!

Bard: Lab on fire? Again!? Wizard: I’m TRYING to create a bearowl! Bard: Wizard: A terrible, completely original NEW monster with the head of a bear- Bard: I GET IT I’M PICTURING IT IT’S DUMB Wizard: -and the body of an owl! Bard: Bard: I hope it breaks out and eats you. Wizard: Aww! Thanks!

Paladin: Stop biting townsfolk! Barbarian: GRR I’M A T-REX Paladin: So I’ve tried insisting AND demanding, I’m all out of ideas; you’re our spiritual leader. Fix this. Cleric: naw Cleric: Cleric: vibes are off Paladin: THAT’S YOUR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING. Cleric: (bong rip) Cleric: vibes lol

Wizard: OMG! Check it out! This guy replaced his paladin’s +5 holy avenger with infinite rubber ducks! AGAIN! Ha! Entire Party: Bard: Is THAT why we own 10,000 shirts that say “Radlolz the Prank-Wizard did nothing wrong?” Rogue: Yeah, his party hired us to kill him. They’re gonna be worth a TON.

Paladin: (on fire, bleeding, kicks in door) WHERE THE FRICK HAVE YOU BEEN? Sorcerer: Watching K-Pop Demon Hunters. Eating cheese. Warlock: And I'm helping! Paladin: WE'RE IN A BOSS FIGHT. Sorcerer: Pfft. YOU'RE in a boss fight. Warlock: I blew through all my spell-slots in less than 18 seconds!