Playing It's Goin' Down by Yung Joc for the clicker trained puppy girl 'til she's foaming at the mouth

To be fair, every time We Are Charlie Kirk organically pops into my head, I also kinda wish my neck would just explode

I am not relatable at all. Please stop relating to me immediately. Let me know when you've stopped. K thanks

I'm actually very relatable. Please relate to me as soon as possible. But do it privately. I don't wanna know about it. K thanks

Sorry for leaving everyone in suspense on the honk/beep situation. I'll look more into it the next time I have a few sleepless nights in a row. Or the next time I do coke. Whichever comes first

I can't really explain it, but Culver's is the most homophobic fast food chain

“'Lord, if it’s you,' Peter answered him, 'command me to come'" Matthew 14:28 Can't believe people read this book to kids jfc

Spotify already had the only AI tool I've ever actually been thankful for with playlist radio, but I guess they had to kill it for not being shitty or sinister enough

Trans agenda? Yeah I'm tryin, wise guy

I'm not actually trans, I just have long covid

Can y'all check my shopping list and lmk if I forgot anything?

I asked this monkey paw to make me a woman and a finger curled, but nothing happ– oh.

Unfortunately, I finally remembered to refill my prescriptions today, so I'm probably gonna start acting a lot more normal soon. Sorry, everyone

Dreamed my dog got arrested by the Portland Polycule, so ACAB now means them too, unfortunately

Once the deadly black mold growing in my walls finally cements its nefarious hold over my mind, body and spirit, it's so over for you bitches

Ah shit, my main hatchway just caved in 🤦‍♀️ good knowing everyone I guess

"And all that remains are the faces and the names of the gay sons and the thot daughters"

"The unslaked furies of Lake Superior" goes hard as fuck, but I did have to read it like 4 times

Lake Superior giving me some nasty ass looks today jfc

Wrapping up terms with a few steel firms before I head fully loaded for Cleveland. This is gonna be so easy!

Wow, looks like the gales of November are here early! Ah well, nothing me and my 26,000 tons of iron ore can't handle!

People often assume, just because I'm stupid, that I can't cook. This couldn't be further from the truth

Did anyone else's 6th grade English teacher make the class watch just the ending of Old Yeller one day or was Mrs. Miller just going through some shit?

70s Bowie: what if a sexy alien boy taught humankind an important lesson about itself? 80s Bowie: what if I abducted a child and fondled some glass balls with a massive bulge?

Whenever I say something cool and hilarious to my therapist, she suddenly starts writing faster. Ho, I can LITERALLY SEE you stealing my jokes, if you post them yourself later, I'll know

Idk why everyone in NYC was so mad at this guy, but I guess I'm glad he's dead or whatever youtu.be/ER17aQTklPE?...

I hope I get to be a mayor next :)

The stereotypical 80s porn soundtrack gets memed a lot these days, but it's important to remember what a marked improvement that music style was over the ominous, sweeping orchestral music they used before that

Really digging into this honk-beep dichotomy. My YouTube algorithm is absolutely fucked lousy with car horn videos

Why do some car horns beep and others honk? How do the manufacturers decide which to do?

Goodbye, everyone! I am leaving forever to sit at computer, rip cigs and play Autistic Map Game™. You'll probably still see posts from this account, but those are AI, just ignore those

What the fuck else have they been lying to us about??

I don't care how caked up the players are, I'm not watching a baseball game

If you mark an email as "read" without actually reading it, the computer still knows. It won't tell anyone, but it knows

I put some crushed up estrogen pills in the dough when I make edibles so my weed can have its gender affirmed

The most shocking thing I've learned over the past month is that a lot of people apparently still give a shit about baseball

Ya think it feels good for the basketball hoop when the ball goes in, or is it just part of the job?

There's an albino squirrel outside my office window. Whole building is abuzz about it. Friends and enemies alike coming together to gawk at that snow-white little fucker. A meeting got cancelled over it. Best workday of my fucking life

Gonna bottle and sell the burnt dust scent from turning on the heat for the first time of the year

Do y'all's cars also sound like they're begging you to kill them whenever they start? Does that mean it trusts me?

Wrote a coworker a note for their birthday today and didn't mention piss or cum once. This is how Michelangelo felt when they wouldn't let him make the dicks huge on those statues

Cancer Culture™: If you say slurs online you can keep your job or whatever, but you have to go through one round of chemo for each instance

If everything seems hopeless, be sure to drink water, eat food, shower and get a good night's sleep. If things still seem hopeless, try taking an edible and jerking your shit silly style for a whole afternoon. If that didn't fix you, you're probably beyond saving

Taking too large of an edible so I can spend the rest of the night playing fruit ninja with my intrusive thoughts

Been thinking a lot lately about the Eggs & Pumpkins people who sold eggs and pumpkins in Center Point, Indiana circa 2012. Mad I didn't think of that business idea first

Binge drinking to drown out dysphoria. Call that a Gender Bender

But it was his problem. And soon, it could be yours too

They had their first fight as a couple 😔 They're both dealing with it in their own way

I thought I'd been neglecting all both of my followers here, but I actually just haven't done shit worth posting in like 2 months. Anyway, come get y'all juice

What the fuck even is a Birmingham?