YOU BEAUTIFUL, DIZZY, PROBLEMTICLY TATTOOED RASCAL

Trey's gonna be waiting for Piñango in the clubhouse with a sock full of nickels.

Looks like someone's found his Stroke-amoto.

Simmer down, Cease. You Fleet Foxes looking motherfucker.

I was about to tip my cap to Cam Schlittler but then I remembered we suck shit.

Ok fellas. Here's the deal. I'm gonna try and stay awake to watch. But you gotta try not to play like a bunch of assholes. Cool?

Ok here's the plan... Bottom of the 7th - Rogers Bottom of the 8th - Yariel Bottom of the 9th - Varland Bottom of the Hudson - Hoffman

I honestly don't know how many more Lenyn Sosa at bats I've got in me.

Fuck you, Hoffman. Please just go the fuck away.

Oh God. Gimenez is crying. Any chance those are happy tears?

Looking forward to an orderly 0-0 win.

New menu items, capitalizing on the success of the Kaz-adilla. 1. Cease-ar Salad 2. San Pelli-ñango (sparkling water) 3. Huevos Guerreros 4. Chips and Sosa 5. Heine-mints 6. Sanch-eeseburger 7. Pepsi Max Scherzer 8. Yes-abbage Rolls 9. Gaus-M&Ms 10. Ern Dogs

OH EM GEE EVERYTHING IS NOT TERRIBLE MAYBE

This upcoming Spencer Miles complete game is really gonna steam Lauer's beans.

"We regret to inform you that the subway is out of service but don't worry! Shuttle buses are on the way and we promise they'll be terrible!"

OH NO! KAZ JUST GOT SOAKAMOTO'D!

Kaz is no Jokeamoto.

Mike Trout must have a Disneyland Season Pass. It's the only explanation.

Ok...that was a miserable series at the Trop. Even for us. You assholes have to try.

How many times are these motherfuckers going to make me watch them lose in this shitty community centre, masquerading as a ballpark?

Smokeamoto'd

I still like Eric Lauer, even though he's a bit lippy and bad at pitching.

I mean this with the utmost respect but SCORE SOME FUCKING RUNS, YOU FUCKING DONKEYS

How do we feel about leaving Ben Shulman in Minneapolis?

Always good to see Anthony Banda.

Remember when the Yankees had a press release about allowing facial hair? Anyway, fuck them.

Just a lil Pokeamoto

I see we're still doing Dan Shulman a solid by giving work to his idiot kid.

Not gonna lie, I've got a bit of a chub, watching Tyler Rogers pitch. You deserve the truth.

Nails. Comes right after em. Doesn't nibble. After all, it's Louis Varland, not Chewy Varland.

HOFFMAN, THANK YOU FOR NOT RUINING EVERYTHING BUT I STILL HATE YOU, SWEETIE 😘

Give em the ol Kazzle Dazzle

Another start for everyone's favourite alt-right lefty 😍

Nice save, asshole. (Still hate you)

Schneider looks like he slept weird on the bus.

Ok seriously. If there's one hitter who should never be allowed to challenge, it's Yoan Moncada. I feel like he'll be the first hitter to accidentally challenge a called ball.

GAUSMAN, YOU JUST RELAX AND HAVE A GREAT TIME OUT THERE, SWEETIE 😘

I wanna rub these runs all over my titties.

Will someone please tell Patrick Corbin that this isn't Andrew Tate's Twitter feed and that we actually have standards here?

Look, nobody is happy about Nathan Lukes leading off. Least of all, Nathan Lukes.

I think probably my favourite thing about Louis Varland is that he's not a stupid fucking idiot.

WEEEEEEE LIIIITTTTLLLLLLEEEEEE VARSHOOOOOOOOO

Ew get those awful Leafs away from my baseball team. We've got enough problems.

Who knew signing baseball's worst pitcher would have consequences!

Yamamoto, eh? Name rings a bell. He any good?

My dudes. They'll give you a flu shot at Shoppers FOR FREE.

That challenge call was so bad, they should dock us tomorrow's challenge too.

How come none of the guys who suck have the flu?

Wow! Josh Fleming got out of the inning, even though I hate him! Now that's adversity.

Alright, boys. Start coughing on Dodgers, I guess?